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Jul 15
Love0
girls only sdchool

The importance of a girls’ only education

By Education, girls school, Relationships
by Matthew Parry
Deputy Head – Curriculum, St Catherine’s Prep School, Bramley

As a father of two girls of primary school age, I have a vested interest in the educational options available to them. That being said, I think I’m safe in saying that I am not your stereotypical advocate of girls’ only education. As the son of a coal miner and having been educated in co-ed state schools in south Wales, girls’ only education was something that didn’t enter my consciousness until I moved to Surrey in 2013. Whilst I was aware that many of the highest achieving schools in the area were single-sex, I didn’t really stop and think about the benefits of a girls’ only environment until I came to work in a girls’ only school myself.

The first thing that struck me when I began teaching a class made up entirely of girls was that roles within the classroom that were almost always filled by boys in a co-ed classroom, (the joker, the loud child, the sporty child, and so on) were now occupied by girls. I know I never actively encouraged boys to occupy these roles in any of the classrooms that I taught, however, whether it be a result of unconscious bias or societal expectations, that was the classroom dynamic I was usually faced with. In a girls’ only environment, the girls were free of these expectations and could choose to occupy any role they wished without fear of judgement by others. This also extended to the academic subjects that they enjoyed and knowledge they pursued. Science, mathematics and PE were no longer ‘boys’ subjects’, they were just subjects that some of the class really, really enjoyed. At our school, 56% of girls took A Level maths in 2022, the most popular A Level subject option compared to 8.1% nationally.

The activities on the playground weren’t too dissimilar from those observed during my time teaching in co-ed schools, it was just that there were a dozen girls merrily kicking a football across the field together rather than a group made up primarily of boys.

It’s worth noting that the above observations are purely from my experiences and every school and child is different. But, and I think it’s an important but, when it became time for me to decide on my own daughters’ futures, I needed more than just my gut feeling to decide whether or not single-sex education was the right choice for them. Despite all the benefits I’d seen first-hand, I wanted it in black and white that girls’ only education was likely to be a good choice for them. It didn’t take long for me to discover a raft of literature that almost universally showed that girls in girls’ only education outperformed their peers in co-ed environments when all other factors (socioeconomic, geographical location and so on) were taken into account. (1)

Not only that, they were also far more likely to pursue careers in areas that have been traditionally dominated by men. One study found that girls at single-sex schools were 85% more likely to take advanced mathematics than girls in co-ed schools, 79% more likely to study chemistry, 68% more likely to take intermediate mathematics, and 47% more likely to study physics (2). I have no particular dreams of my daughters pursuing studies in these areas, but I do feel strongly that they shouldn’t be impeded in any pursuit that they choose for themselves. The benefits of single-sex education for boys is a lot less clear and that may be a factor in why a large number of boys-only schools have chosen to become co-ed in recent years.

But what about the ‘real world’ where girls and boys have to coexist? Are girls at girls’ only schools at a disadvantage? I would argue that they’re not. Whilst they may not mix with boys on a daily basis, single-sex schools offer opportunities for girls and boys to learn together when and where appropriate – this may be in mixed teams at maths, science or chess competitions. Furthermore, they have more opportunities to take on leadership roles than their peers in co-ed settings.

I truly believe that girls’ only education proves beneficial to the vast majority of the girls that come through our school gates. However, every child is unique and as a parent it is important to consider the needs of your child. I asked both my daughters whether they wanted to attend a girls’ only school before enrolling them. My eldest had attended our local co-ed infant school whilst my youngest was in a co-ed nursery. Both were extremely eager to join a girls’ only school and are having a wonderful time. I believe that the absence of boys gives my girls space to develop a strong sense of themselves and their values without the pressure of gender stereotypes. Girls schools were established to try and offer girls the educational opportunities that had long been afforded to boys and I believe that they still have an important role to play in further enhancing opportunities for women today.

1. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-35419284
2. https://phys.org/news/2018-03-girls-single-sex-schools-advanced-stem.html

St Catherine’s Prep extend a warm welcome to parents who would like to see what this actually looks like here at St Catherine’s, Bramley with regular Open Mornings. www.stcatherines.info

Jul 11
Love0
relationships matter

It’s good to talk

By Education, fun for children, play, Playing, Relationships
by Marsha Dann
Lead Teacher, Play B C Preschool

Why conversations matter in the early years

Building brains
A child is born already equipped to process language and able to distinguish between different speech sounds. Hearing words helps to build a rich vocabulary in the child’s brain long before they actually start speaking. The brain develops rapidly in the first three years and forms the neural connections that are used for all sorts of functions. During this critical period a child’s brain is flexible and particularly receptive to language input. It is literally shaped by the experiences encountered, reorganising itself as more language is heard, creating and strengthening more neural pathways.

Building relationships
Attachment theory tells us that we are born wired to seek relationships with others. When these relationships and attachments are positive and secure, children feel safe enough to explore the world and interact with others. This paves the way for learning and deepens understanding. Conversations with very young children help them to develop social skills. They learn that adults care about them and that they are valued and respected. Through meaningful discussion, children learn to identify and articulate their feelings and those of others. This fosters emotional intelligence and the development of self-awareness. They learn they have to take turns to speak and have to actively listen to what the other person says. This develops empathy, understanding and respect for others’ opinions.

Building knowledge
Language is used for communication but is also linked to memory, attention, problem solving and self-regulation. Good language skills support cognitive growth in general and literacy skills in particular. Conversations expose children to a wide range of information about family life, occupations, nature, animals and a host of other topics. They help them to learn, explore, and make sense of the world around them. They encourage questions, fuel curiosity and spark a love of learning.

Research suggests educational outcomes are significantly impacted by the quantity and quality of adult-child interactions.

Building vocabulary
A typically developing child will:
• At one, respond to their own name.
• At two, understand between 200 and 500 words.
• At three, use up to 300 words.
• At four, talk in sentences of four to six words.
• At five, have acquired almost all the grammar they will ever need for their first language.

The quality and quantity of children’s vocabulary at age five is a strong predictor of how well they are going to do in the future. Research suggests children with larger vocabularies have better brain connectivity and stronger links between the areas of the brain which process language. They are likely to do better at school and therefore have better life outcomes. This is why conversation is so very important. It is vital for the overall development of very young children in areas of language, cognitive, social, and emotional growth. When you talk to your child you show them how to express thoughts, feelings and ideas. They learn new words, grammar and concepts and begin to reason and make connections between things.

Talk to your child about any and everything because creating an environment that promotes rich language experiences can literally change their lives.

Play B C Preschools offer teacher led provision. We prioritise relationships, sensitive interaction, and fun but challenging learning through developmentally appropriate activities for our wonderfully diverse cohort. More than just a place, at Play B C every day is a learning adventure. Contact info@playbc.co.uk to arrange a visit. www.playbc.co.uk

Jul 10
Love0

There’s no ‘i’ in ‘team’!

By fun for children, Mental health, play, Relationships, Sport
by Sarah Nesbitt
Kiddikicks

It is well-known that regular exercise is beneficial for a child’s physical development. What may come as a surprise though, is learning just how useful group sports can be when it comes to developing important social skills.

Working as a team
Interacting in a group sports class will help your child to recognise the importance of working as a team and interacting not only with other children, but also with their coaches. They learn about leadership, team building and communication, all of which are important life skills that will help them in school, their future career and personal relationships.

Bringing people together
Group sports classes bring together children from various religious and cultural backgrounds, which will undoubtedly provide a valuable experience. Teammates must understand how to adapt to, and accept, each other’s cultures so they can work together. Learning how to get along with people with different personalities and of different cultures is a skill that will be needed throughout life.

Coping with wins and losses
Developing a child’s competitiveness while teaching them to both win and lose gracefully can help them learn how to tackle obstacles and accept the setbacks that life will naturally throw at them. Playing sports like football will demonstrate the fundamental lessons of winning and losing which are important for a child’s development.

New friendships
Group sports classes build a child’s confidence and regular classes allow new friendships to blossom. It’s a good idea to encourage your child to get to know their new friends with out-of-class play dates or days out. It’s also useful for new parents to build a support network of new friends in their local neighbourhood. It’s a win win for adults and children alike.

Finding a class that focuses on developing skills and encouraging everyone to have fun while keeping fit, is a great start for children less than five years of age. www.kiddikicks.co.uk, Tel: 020 7937 7965 Office hours 10am – 3pm daily during term-time info@kiddikicks.co.uk during the holidays

Jul 10
Love0
pretend play

How can pretend play help children cope with the challenges of life?

By Education, fun for children, Mental health, Playing, Relationships, Theatre
by Suzy Duxbury
Principal of Dramatis

In today’s increasingly stressful, polarised and tech-dominated world, play is more important than ever. As a society, we’re still assessing the long-term impact of the pandemic – with some research suggesting the global event has undermined children’s confidence, sense-of-self, and their emotional and mental wellbeing.

The power of play, and particularly pretend play, can be harnessed to help children develop the skills they need to cope with the challenges of life.

But what is pretend play, how does it help build these life skills and how can parents ensure their children benefit?

What is pretend play?
Children have always been instinctively drawn towards play but it wasn’t until the 1890s that its wider benefits (beyond a form of entertainment) were officially recognised.

Thanks to the early pioneering work led by educators and child psychologists like Fredrich Frobel, Jean Piaget and Lev Vygotsky, the importance of play in child development is now widely acknowledged. Pretend play in particular, is noted for its ability to improve the cognitive, physical, social, and emotional wellbeing of children.

Pretend play is when children take on roles and act them out as a way of exploring (consciously or subconsciously) different situations and emotions. Classic examples children naturally gravitate towards include playing ‘mummies and daddies’, ‘doctors and nurses’ or ‘monsters and robots’.

As well as being a lot of fun, pretending to be someone, something or somewhere else, also helps children to express themselves, share thoughts and ideas, and better understand their feelings and emotions.

Children can engage in pretend play alone or with parents, but it is most effective in building life skills when done with a group of other children.

What are life skills?
The World Health Organisation defines life skills as being the attributes required to “deal well and effectively with the challenges of life”.

Whilst there is no definitive list, they are broadly recognised as being:
• Problem solving and decision making.
• Creative and critical thinking.
• Communication and interpersonal skills.
• Self-awareness and empathy.
• Coping with emotions and stress.

How does pretend play help children develop life skills?

Problem solving and decision making
At the heart of pretend play there is always a problem to be solved (some lost treasure to be found or a monster to confront!). By creating their own imaginary scenes and characters, children learn to understand different types of problems, consider different solutions to them, and then take action to address them.

Creative and critical thinking
Pretend play forces children to think on their feet and respond creatively to a range of imaginary situations. This improves their ability to think ‘outside the box’, find new solutions and generate new ideas whilst assessing information and understanding its relevance.

Communication and interpersonal
Taking on different roles requires children to share their thoughts and ideas, listen and respond to others, develop their vocabulary, and take on appropriate body language and gestures. This improves their ability to get on and work with other people, as well as effectively communicate messages.

Self-awareness and empathy
Playing out/simulating scenarios that children have limited personal experience with, helps them to better understand their own thoughts and feelings whilst building empathy and understanding for others.

Coping with emotions and stress
Creating and acting out imaginary scenes is a lot of fun and the physical element generates beneficial endorphins. Pretend play can transport children away from their daily stresses but also enables them to play out difficult situations and emotions in a safe environment. Whether they choose to use it for escapism or cathartic release, pretend play can help children to cope with problems and recover from setbacks.

How can parents encourage pretend play at home?
Whilst pretend play is most effective at building life skills when children are engaged in the activity with their peers, parents can use it to help ignite creativity at home.

When pretend playing together, it’s important that parents allow their child to “be the boss” as giving children creative control allows them to express themselves in an uninhibited way and to explore their ideas in a supported environment.

Here are three ways you can encourage your child to use pretend play at home:
1. Give them a scenario
Give them a character, a setting and an end line that they must finish their scene with and see what they come up with.

2. Give them a prop
It can be anything around the house (a bit of coloured material, a colander, or an empty trinket box). Ask them to make up a story about the item – telling them it can be absolutely anything (apart from what it really is!)

3. Make a film
Give them a character and a mystery to solve. Get them to create various scenes (in different locations in the house) and record them on your phone. Then merge the videos together to make a film than you watch together (add popcorn for extra cinematic effect!)

How can parents encourage pretend play outside the home?
Ultimately, to harness the full potential of pretend play, children should work in groups, with their peers.

Whilst children can play with friends at the local park or in the playground, it is during drama classes (under the guidance of a professional and within a structured framework) that they will really reap the full benefits of pretend play.

Working together to develop scenes and characters requires children to share thoughts and ideas whilst listening to and negotiating with others. The skills they develop will help them to become more confident, more resilient, and more empathetic so they can thrive in life.

You can find out more about local drama schools offering extra-curricular classes and workshops in the ABC Magazine Directory.

Suzy Duxbury is Principal of Dramatis, a Sussex based drama school that harnesses the power of pretend play. For more information about their drama classes and holiday workshops, please visit www.dramatis.co.uk

Jul 04
Love0
confident learners

How do we best prepare our children for the future?

By Education, Forest School, Mental health, Playing, Relationships
by Nick Oakden
Head of Junior Prep School, Hurst College

In our fast-paced, ever-changing world, Nick Oakden, Head of Junior Prep School at Hurst College, explains how we can best prepare our children for their futures. The last few years have taught us that whilst we may not know what is around the corner, or indeed yet understand the world our children will face as adults, we do know that developing a strong sense of independence will mean that our children will be able to adapt and thrive in any situation.

Developing independence is a journey, and one that should start at the very beginning of a child’s education. An independent mindset that is developed from a young age will build self-confidence, develop problem-solving skills, and encourage a sense of responsibility. Embedding an independent attitude should be a fundamental part of the Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS). It starts with small practical steps such as getting dressed into their school uniform and packing their own bags which develops into shaping their own learning in a safe, nurturing environment.

One of the most critical benefits of developing independence in young children is that it builds their self-confidence. In a world where the internet and social media have a powerful influence on our children’s self-image, it is important that we embed opportunities for our pupils to develop inner confidence from a young age, about who they are and how to relate positively to others. One of the ways we seek to do this is to encourage pupils to try new things and give them opportunities to develop friendships outside of their form. We provide our pupils with a wide variety of co-curricular opportunities such as Woodland Camp craft skills, drama, dance and sporting activities, from the Reception year, to broaden their experiences and extend their learning beyond the classroom.

Independence also fosters creativity and imagination among pupils. When they are given the freedom to explore and experiment, they can expand their understanding and develop new ideas and solutions. It is important to provide pupils with tools and open-ended tasks which allow them to express themselves. Sometimes, a pot of water, a paintbrush and a brick wall are all that is needed, alongside an environment that encourages creative play.

Of course, one of the major obstacles that can prevent pupils from becoming more independent is a fear of failure. To encourage a more independent approach, we must help pupils to see failure as an opportunity to learn, rather than something to be avoided at all costs. As parents, the temptation to ‘helicopter in’ and save the day by dropping off a forgotten PE kit can seem to be the right thing to do. However, if we foster independence rather than dependency, then children will learn so much more than where the spare kit is kept at school. The skills and strategies that children develop when things don’t go to plan are vital in preparing them for the future.

In school, the learning environment should echo this ethos and be a ‘safe space’ where pupils are encouraged to take risks and make mistakes. Whether this is designing and testing experiments in a science lab, exploring Woodland School or performing on stage, pupils should focus on the importance of the learning journey, rather than the outcome. When pupils do this, failure is recognised as an important part of the journey.

Another benefit of developing independence is that it teaches pupils about responsibility. When children are independent, they learn to take responsibility for their actions, decisions and behaviour. In Early Years, examples such as self-registering, tidying the classroom and packing their school bags should be part of their daily routines. As the pupils get older, the levels of responsibility invariably increase, and they use the building blocks that have already been established to independently embrace new challenges, such as the introduction of homework.

As well as the practical aspects of responsibility, schools should allow pupils to take responsibility for their learning and develop ownership of their studies. We seek to achieve this through a curriculum that empowers the pupils. In the Early Years, child-initiated activities and discovery time are at the heart of excellent practice. This allows pupils to direct their learning around their own interests, creating purposeful and bespoke learning opportunities. As pupils progress into Key Stage One, a creative curriculum weaves together all subject areas through a thematic approach which allows them to ask questions and seek their own answers, putting in place the building blocks for independent research as they progress in their academic journey. Although knowledge is important, what will be required in the future is an aptitude for flexibility and an attitude of mind which promotes questioning and is open to new learning.

We are all aware that the world is changing, and our role as educators is to prepare pupils to embrace the future. As children become more independent, they become more confident in their abilities to think critically, solve problems and find solutions, which is a valuable skill for success in school and beyond.

As Franklin D Roosevelt famously said: “We may not be able to prepare the future for our children, but we can at least prepare our children for the future”.

Hurst College is a thriving independent school for children aged between 4 and 18 with an overarching aim to provide an excellent all round education with a strong academic core and is ideally located between Brighton and Haywards Heath. www.hppc.co.uk

Apr 04
Love0
body positive

Three body positivity lessons you need to teach your children

By Mental health, Playing, Relationships

There are many lessons we teach our children: from how to be kind to others, to being diligent in their studies. But the most important lesson we need to teach them is how to love and accept themselves.

As role models, we want to instill ultimate body positivity into our little ones, so that they can walk confidently on the runway of life and withstand any external criticism.

Here are the top three body positivity lessons to teach your children and help them develop and sustain their body confidence.

Everyone is beautiful in their own way
Before you even start teaching your little ones how to love their bodies, you need to instil in them a healthy perception of beauty. As the pure creatures they are, they probably already have an inner understanding that everyone is beautiful in their own way. In order to keep them open-minded about beauty standards, untouched by certain pressures from society, you need to emphasise on that. Explain to them just how diverse we are and how beautiful that is. No matter what our skin type or body size is, we are all equally beautiful and worthy. It’s likely that they will start asking you questions about people’s skin colour or disabilities, and it’s your job to emphasise the equality of beauty.

Activity idea: Take your children to the beach and observe people. Explain to them about different body shapes, skin colours and genders, and ask them to name what they find beautiful in other people. It’s likely that one of the first thing they’ll notice will be the vibrant designer bikinis people are wearing, as children are easily attracted by colour and patterns. Point to the fact how they look different on people, yet everyone is beautiful and wearing them with confidence.

By addressing any preconceptions about beauty norms from a young age, it’s likely that you will raise kind and compassionate people, who can help make this world a better place.

Self-acceptance
Your children can’t love their bodies if they’re not familiar with how they work. This is your chance to give them a few anatomy lessons.

Alongside explaining the physiology of their bodies, teach them to accept them as they are. Just like everyone is different, they could also have some features that don’t exactly fit into the ‘norm’, and that’s perfectly okay.

Young people who have a support network of friends and family will find self-acceptance easier no matter what issues arise, so that they feel more confident in their bodies.

Activity idea: Ask your children to write a list of things they love about their bodies and why, as well as things they’re good at. This will remind them that self-acceptance isn’t just about their appearance, it’s about their talents too!

Foster a healthy relationship with food
Food is fuel, and it’s vital for children to cultivate a healthy relationship with it from a young age. The earlier they learn to make healthy choices and honour their food, the easier it will be to maintain healthy eating habits in the future.

Often, children can be fussy eaters for whatever reason, but luckily, there are ways you can make food fun and a social activity that brings friends and family together.

During your children’s upbringing, it’s important that they consume all the vital nutrients and minerals to best support their growth. Use the dinner table as a place to educate them on what a balanced diet is and how to appropriately portion their meals and snacks. Explain why fruits and vegetables are important and how good they make us feel.

The best thing you can do is teach your children how to eat intuitively, meaning that they consume food when they’re hungry and stop eating when they’re full. That’s the healthiest relationship with food they can ever have.

Activity idea: Turn your nutritional lessons into a fun game by organising the foods your family eats into three groups – ‘always’, ‘sometimes’, and ‘rarely’. Nutritious foods, such as fruits, vegetables, and protein, go in the ‘always’ category. The ‘sometimes’ category can include things like a takeaway while the ‘rarely’ group can consist of sweets and crisps. Explain why these foods fall into each category. For example, crisps might taste delicious, but they’re full of fats and sugars, which are unhealthy.

Every time you have a meal or do your weekly food shopping, ask your children to class the foods they see and say why. The important thing is that you’re not restricting them from having any of the foods in these categories!

Establishing a positive body image in your children from a young age will help them have the confidence to be and do who they want. It will also help them have a better understanding of why everyone is different and unique, appreciating the world for the beautiful and diverse place it is!

For further information visit www.heidiklein.com

Mar 24
Love0
empathy to children

Gentle parenting: Is there a ‘right’ way to raise your child?

By Childcare and Nannying, Relationships

Every family is different. The dynamic of siblings, home environment, and work-life balance are unique to each family throughout the world. This means that multiple parenting styles have evolved in your lifetime and beyond, including one named ‘gentle parenting’.

Gentle parenting encourages a positive relationship between the parent and child. The parenting style argues that kindness allows children to follow the rules out of love rather than fear. This is achieved through connection, communication, and consistency.

Dr Becky Kennedy, a child psychologist specialising in gentle parenting, believes this parenting style influences children for the better: “Our children are watching us and learning how we respond to stress and uncertainty. Let’s wire our children for resilience and not panic.”

Here, we’ll explore gentle parenting in more detail and consider whether it can be the ‘right’ way to raise your child.

How can you practice gentle parenting?
There are five crucial elements of gentle parenting. Follow these steps to introduce this parenting style in your child’s life.

Empathy
In order to practice gentle parenting, you need to feel comfortable empathising with your child. This means putting yourself in their frame of mind before responding to their actions. If they are upset, for example, you can ask them to explain their feelings rather than assuming. So rather than shouting at a child for crying and acting out, you could take a moment to stand back and evaluate the situation.

Respect
Gentle parenting encourages parents to treat children how they would like themselves to be treated. After all, children may not be adults, but they deserve as much respect as any other human being. And just because you are in a position of power, you don’t have to use that authority to silence or force them into complicity.

Boundaries
Gentle parenting argues that the absence of discipline does not equal disorder. So you can still set boundaries, such as enforcing rules surrounding bedtime or negative language. In order to do this, the NSPCC recommends setting simple boundaries that are easy to understand, encouraging an open conversation surrounding these boundaries, and being willing to adapt and negotiate these as your child grows and develops.

Understanding
Children are continuously growing and learning. As a result, they may not understand how to communicate their wants and needs. Gentle parenting argues that you must strive to understand the emotions and feelings of your child, even if they don’t have
the emotional intelligence to do this for themselves.

Discipline and reward
Gentle parenting encourages parents to communicate with children in calming tones, choosing to discuss mistakes rather than shouting as a form of punishment. So if they cry because they want to wear their favourite wellies and raincoat on a warm summer’s day, try to explain why they can’t before simply saying, “because I said so”.

On the other hand, you should also refrain from rewarding your child for simple acts. If they have scored at a school football match, for example, you should say “who passed you the ball” rather than “you did a good job”. Dr Beth Kennedy explains this as wiring your child for independence: “When you orient a child to focus on the impact of their feelings on you instead of the reality of the feelings inside themselves, you are wiring a child for co-dependency.”

What are the benefits?
It’s no secret that gentle parenting can be challenging. In any stressful situation, your immediate response might be to force your child into obedience. There are multiple benefits, however, that might help you persist with the parenting style.

Reinforcing calm
Children learn everything from their parents. No matter how small the action or reaction, they will learn how to replicate this for themselves. So you can reinforce a calm mindset within their lives by staying calm in the face of chaos.

Establishing social skills
Everyone is taught to follow the rules, but children may realise that they don’t necessarily ‘need’ to follow them. By establishing simple and understandable rules at home, children are more likely to respect these in their later life, such as at school or work.

Reducing anxiety
Imagine being shouted at by someone twice your height and size. You would no doubt feel anxious. It makes sense, therefore, that removing these negative behaviours will reduce these feelings for your child, both in and outside your home.

What are the negatives?
Gentle parenting can be overwhelming. It isn’t easy to face every emotional breakdown with calm while remembering to go against every instinct to ‘shush’ your child when they drop to the floor and scream while you’re out shopping. Sometimes parents struggle to find an equal balance between setting firm boundaries and being gentle.

Sami, a mother of three from Lancashire, found that her daughter acted out due to poorly executed gentle parenting. Instead of encouraging her child to behave, for example, gentle parenting led her daughter to misunderstand her kindness for weakness and act out regularly. But she has since learned how to set more firm boundaries.

So, is gentle parenting the ‘right’ way to raise your child?
There is no ‘right’ way to raise your child. All you can do as a parent is try your best. If you believe that a gentle parenting approach is the best for your child, then you should feel able to do this while knowing your child is being appropriately raised.

On the other hand, if you feel more attuned to an authoritarian or permissive parenting style, you’re free to explore these other options too. Everyone is different, and that’s OK!

Gentle parenting has multiple attractive qualities. While it may seem like the best idea to raise your child with these guidelines in mind, remember that you’re able to learn the ropes alongside your growing child. Be easy on yourself, and enjoy the beauties of parenthood one day at a time.

For further information please visit www.muddypuddles.com

 

Mar 16
Love0
Mother power

How to care less about what people think of you and your parenting

By Childcare and Nannying, family, Relationships
by Poppy O’Neill
best-selling author of mental health books
for children, teens and adults

We butt up against other people’s emotions every day, in real life and online. People tend to feel a lot more comfortable sharing their emotions and opinions with women, and once you have children in tow, some take it as an open invitation to provide feedback on everything from your appearance to your children’s behaviour.

Having other people’s emotions put upon you can make you feel like they are then your problem to solve, which can cause a lot of anxiety.

Gender stereotypes and other people’s emotions
From very early on girls’ emotions are treated as less important than boys. A study carried out by Sussex University showed that adults respond to babies’ cries differently depending on their sex, with greater sympathy shown to boys.

Gender stereotyping is the cause of many of the ways women are on the back foot socially, psychologically and economically. One of the most common ways gender stereotypes manifest psychologically and emotionally in women is often known as ‘people-pleasing’.

If you’re a people-pleaser, the prospect of conflict, being disliked or even disagreement can feel uncomfortable and sometimes even threatening. For people-pleasers, it seems like a better option just to go along with what other people think and want, even at the expense of their own needs. This disconnects us from what we truly think and want – we lose touch with ourselves by focusing on other people.

The first step to unlearning people-pleasing is to recognise it within yourself.

If you:
• Apologise often
• Struggle to say no
• Don’t admit when your feelings are hurt
• Often assume people are angry or disappointed with you

…you have people-pleasing tendencies. Once you can recognise people-pleasing in yourself, you have the power to take control. It’s not easy, but it’s worth the hard work. The secret is to learn to pause, name the feeling and breathe through the discomfort.

Other people’s emotions are nothing to do with you
The belief that we are responsible for the actions or emotions of other people is common among women. We’re brought up to be nice and to put others’ feelings ahead of our own. Becoming a mother can reinforce this because our children’s emotions are, to a certain extent, tied to our own. As we’re solely responsible for these tiny human beings for such a big proportion of the time, our own wellbeing feels like it’s dependent on keeping them calm and happy.

The key to letting go of the idea that other people’s emotions are our responsibility is to build a sense of trust. When you trust other adults to handle their own emotions and look after themselves, you can let go of some of that guilt that comes when you cancel plans, break bad news or give criticism.

What’s more, when you hurt your own feelings in order to save someone else’s, that’s not actually you being kind – it’s you trying to avoid your own discomfort. Many of us would much rather inconvenience ourselves than someone else, because the latter brings up complex feelings of guilt and shame that come from defying the stereotype of the selfless woman.

When you trust someone to deal with life like a grown-up, you’re showing them – and yourself – respect.

What you can and can’t control
Other people’s emotions are not within your control. Thank goodness they’re not, because it would be exhausting if they were! Focusing on what you can control, rather than what you can’t, can lead to better mental health and higher self-esteem.

Psychologists call the sense of how much power we have over our own lives a ‘locus of control’. Everyone has a locus of control that falls somewhere on a spectrum between internal and external.

Internal locus of control: The belief that you have some power over the events in your life and the choices you make.

External locus of control: The belief that events in your life and your responses to them are controlled exclusively by other people.

Of course, some things truly are out of our control, but the more we focus our attention on what we have the ability to change, the greater our sense of power, responsibility and safety in the world. For example, if it rains on your birthday you can’t stop the weather, but you can dress in waterproofs or stay inside. Those who focus on the weather will feel worse than those who focus on how they’ll adapt to the less-than-perfect conditions.

When you’re feeling stressed out by other people, it can help to remind yourself of what you can and can’t control.

What I can control
My responses
My actions
My boundaries
How I take care of my emotions.

What I can’t control
Other people’s emotions
Other people’s thoughts
Other people’s actions
Other people’s boundaries.

It’s natural to care about what other people think of us and how they feel, but putting other people’s feelings above our own is a recipe for resentment and burnout. Remember – you don’t need to make sense to others, and you can trust other adults to be responsible for their own emotions.

Mother Power by Poppy O’Neill is an honest and empowering guide to parenting for all mothers. Know and grow your power as a mother with this honest, guilt-free parenting guide that champions your own needs and wellbeing as well as those of your children. Available now in all good bookstores priced at £10.99.
Mar 15
Love0
life learning

Exam stress

By Education, Mental health, Relationships, special educational needs
by Edmond Chan
Childline Supervisor

The summer brings with it warmer weather, longer and lighter days and the inevitable stresses of school exams season. The worry of revising or not getting the grades they need can cause a lot of anxiety for young people.

This pressure means that a lot of children turn to Childline for help as they struggle to cope.

Last year our volunteer counsellors at Childline saw an increase in the number of counselling sessions they delivered about exam result worries compared to the previous year. Between April 2021 and March 2022, they delivered 781 sessions to children with worries about their exams – 30% more than the previous year.

One 17-year-old boy told Childline: “I want to do so well in my A-levels but it’s all just seriously overwhelming at the moment. My attention span has been awful lately, and I find it so difficult to concentrate and focus, and as we get closer to exams the stress increases. After I’ve finished revising, I find it so hard to switch off and then I begin getting loads of intrusive thoughts. It’s like I’m stuck in this vicious cycle and I can’t seem to escape from it.”

Exams can feel like a lot of pressure, no matter where the pressure is coming from.

Here are some tips to help young people cope:
Think positively
When we feel anxious, we can start thinking things like ‘I can’t do this’ and ‘I’m going to fail’. It can be difficult but try to replace these with positive thoughts such as ‘this is just anxiety, it can’t harm me’ and ‘relax, concentrate – it’s going to be OK’.

Be honest about how you feel
Sometimes people can put pressure on you without even realising and sometimes it can help to talk about how it makes you feel. Talking about things can help you to think about other ways they can support you in the future. If you’re worried about telling someone, you can always talk to Childline.

Don’t compare yourself to your friends
Competing with your friends can help to keep you motivated. But it can also make you feel like you’re not good enough, especially on social media. Try keeping a list of the revision you’ve done so you can see how much you’re achieving.

And here are some tips for parents and carers, to help you to be there when your children need you most:

Watch for signs of stress
Stress can be good sometimes. It can help us to work harder and focus. But it can also have a big effect and make it hard to cope. If your child is feeling stressed about their exams then they might be:
• Struggling to sleep.
• Having negative thoughts about the future.
• Getting headaches or feeling unwell a lot.
• Not eating because of how they’re feeling.
• Always thinking about their exams or worrying about them.
• Not able to enjoy things anymore.

Stress affects everyone differently but if you’re worried about your child let them know they don’t have to cope alone. Speaking to you, another adult they trust, or Childline can really help.

Talk about what’s happening
Talking about how they’re feeling can reduce the pressure and help them to feel more in control. Why not suggest they try:
• Talking to you or another adult they trust.
• Asking a friend for support.
• Getting advice and support from other young people on Childline’s online message boards.
• Speaking to a Childline counsellor.

Find ways to relax and take breaks
It’s important to take regular breaks and find ways to relax. Taking a break can leave you feeling more able to cope and even make it easier to concentrate when you start working again. There are lots of things children can do to take a break and relax, such as:
• Set a timer to take a 20 minute break every hour so they don’t forget.
• Make sure they have something to look forward to, like a treat or an activity they enjoy as a reward.
• Encourage them to plan when they’re going to start and finish their revision, so they know when to stop.

Stay healthy
• Make sure they don’t skip meals and try to eat healthily.
• Exercising can clear the mind and give them more energy. Suggest they play sports, go for a run or do some yoga.
• Urge them to practice self-care – this means finding things that help them feel calm and relaxed, such as taking a short break or getting some rest.

Exams are very important, and we really want young people to do their best. However, it’s important to remind them that if things don’t go exactly according to plan there will be lots of other opportunities for them to express themselves and succeed.

It is vital that young people feel supported by family, friends and teachers during the exam period to help them do the best they can.

Childline is also here 24/7 for any young person needing confidential support and advice. Children can call and speak to one of our trained counsellors on 0800 1111 or visit www.childline.org.uk for more information.
Mar 14
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loving hands

Your guide to overcoming separation anxiety: Leaving your baby for the first time

By baby health, Childcare and Nannying, family, Relationships

Baby separation anxiety is a real struggle for many parents. When the moment comes to leave your baby for the first time, your parental instinct kicks in. “Would my baby be safe?”, “What if something happens, and I’m not there?”, “Is my baby sad right now?” are only some of the questions that start spiralling in your head when you close the door and leave your baby behind, even if it’s just for one hour.

Although your baby is in safe hands, you can’t help but feel like your heart is breaking into tiny pieces, because you don’t know what’s happening with your baby every minute. Nevertheless, leaving your baby for the first time and getting over the separation anxiety is beneficial for both you and your baby. Baby brand, Nuby, explores how to cope with separation anxiety and make sure that your baby is safe and happy.

The earlier you overcome it, the better
Separation anxiety is normal and usually affects young children between the ages of six months and three years. It usually fades after that, but if the symptoms persist, it can have a long-term impact on your child.

The earlier you start practising leaving them, the easier it will be for them to get used to it and overcome any potential separation anxiety.

As a parent, you also might be suffering from some form of separation anxiety, so it’s important to take the right steps to leaving your baby for the first time.

Do it gradually
You don’t have to jet off on holiday the first time you leave your baby – this will cause turmoil to both of you.

Instead, practise being separate gradually. At first, you might dedicate a two-hour slot where you leave them in your house with their grandparents. It’s advisable that the first times you leave them, it’s with someone they know and in a familiar setting to ease the shock of separation. Later, you can start trusting a nanny or a childminder to take care of your baby while you’re away.

After the first trial, you can slowly start extending the time you’re away from them and even leave them at their grandparents’ and nanny’s house for a night or two. The more often you do it, the easier it will get.

Don’t hold onto the guilt
It’s normal to feel guilty when you first leave your baby. But just like in many other life situations, guilt is not a healthy feeling to experience. Even though it’s totally valid, try not to fall into the trap of self-agonising over the fact that you’ve left your child in the hands of someone else.

It’s something that you need to overcome, as it will help develop a healthy relationship between the two of you and not a co-dependent one. You’re teaching your baby to trust you but not rely on you for everything. Retrospectively, you’re learning that your child is its own person and will eventually grow and separate from you for much longer than an hour-long coffee break. So, the earlier you start the process, the better.

Give clear instructions
Babies have their own individual routines. Whether they like to have a snack right before bed to help them nod off or be read their favourite bedtime story, this is what they’re used to.

Your babysitter’s approach might not match that, so it’s important to communicate your baby’s precise routine with them. This will help your baby to settle and will ensure that there is no additional unfamiliarity and stress.

Pack a comforter
Before you leave, pack a bag of newborn essentials that will be at hand for your babysitter, and make sure to include a comforter.

While their main source of comfort, you, might be away, your babysitter can resort to their physical comforts. Perhaps your baby has a specific toy they like to cuddle or play with, or, for a newborn, they love being tucked in their cosy sleeping bag.

Prepare these items in advance, so that your baby can feel secure in an unfamiliar situation if needed.

Don’t sneak away
Easing your baby into the temporary separation is crucial. This applies to the moment your babysitter arrives and the moment you leave the house.

Dedicate some time to help your baby get used to their babysitter, whether that’s a childminder, a nanny or their grandparents, while you’re still there.

When you’re leaving, don’t just sneak away. Rather, kiss your baby and say a happy goodbye, after which your babysitter will immediately engage their attention and hopefully stop them from crying.

It’s also advisable that your babysitter picks up the baby right away, so that they feel secure in their hands and build a positive relationship.

Leaving your baby for the first time can be frightening, but it’s an essential part of the growing up process. Practising healthy separation from early on will ensure your child becomes its own individual and is able to be on its own.

For further information please see www.nuby-uk.com
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