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Apr 04
Love0
body positive

Three body positivity lessons you need to teach your children

By Mental health, Playing, Relationships

There are many lessons we teach our children: from how to be kind to others, to being diligent in their studies. But the most important lesson we need to teach them is how to love and accept themselves.

As role models, we want to instill ultimate body positivity into our little ones, so that they can walk confidently on the runway of life and withstand any external criticism.

Here are the top three body positivity lessons to teach your children and help them develop and sustain their body confidence.

Everyone is beautiful in their own way
Before you even start teaching your little ones how to love their bodies, you need to instil in them a healthy perception of beauty. As the pure creatures they are, they probably already have an inner understanding that everyone is beautiful in their own way. In order to keep them open-minded about beauty standards, untouched by certain pressures from society, you need to emphasise on that. Explain to them just how diverse we are and how beautiful that is. No matter what our skin type or body size is, we are all equally beautiful and worthy. It’s likely that they will start asking you questions about people’s skin colour or disabilities, and it’s your job to emphasise the equality of beauty.

Activity idea: Take your children to the beach and observe people. Explain to them about different body shapes, skin colours and genders, and ask them to name what they find beautiful in other people. It’s likely that one of the first thing they’ll notice will be the vibrant designer bikinis people are wearing, as children are easily attracted by colour and patterns. Point to the fact how they look different on people, yet everyone is beautiful and wearing them with confidence.

By addressing any preconceptions about beauty norms from a young age, it’s likely that you will raise kind and compassionate people, who can help make this world a better place.

Self-acceptance
Your children can’t love their bodies if they’re not familiar with how they work. This is your chance to give them a few anatomy lessons.

Alongside explaining the physiology of their bodies, teach them to accept them as they are. Just like everyone is different, they could also have some features that don’t exactly fit into the ‘norm’, and that’s perfectly okay.

Young people who have a support network of friends and family will find self-acceptance easier no matter what issues arise, so that they feel more confident in their bodies.

Activity idea: Ask your children to write a list of things they love about their bodies and why, as well as things they’re good at. This will remind them that self-acceptance isn’t just about their appearance, it’s about their talents too!

Foster a healthy relationship with food
Food is fuel, and it’s vital for children to cultivate a healthy relationship with it from a young age. The earlier they learn to make healthy choices and honour their food, the easier it will be to maintain healthy eating habits in the future.

Often, children can be fussy eaters for whatever reason, but luckily, there are ways you can make food fun and a social activity that brings friends and family together.

During your children’s upbringing, it’s important that they consume all the vital nutrients and minerals to best support their growth. Use the dinner table as a place to educate them on what a balanced diet is and how to appropriately portion their meals and snacks. Explain why fruits and vegetables are important and how good they make us feel.

The best thing you can do is teach your children how to eat intuitively, meaning that they consume food when they’re hungry and stop eating when they’re full. That’s the healthiest relationship with food they can ever have.

Activity idea: Turn your nutritional lessons into a fun game by organising the foods your family eats into three groups – ‘always’, ‘sometimes’, and ‘rarely’. Nutritious foods, such as fruits, vegetables, and protein, go in the ‘always’ category. The ‘sometimes’ category can include things like a takeaway while the ‘rarely’ group can consist of sweets and crisps. Explain why these foods fall into each category. For example, crisps might taste delicious, but they’re full of fats and sugars, which are unhealthy.

Every time you have a meal or do your weekly food shopping, ask your children to class the foods they see and say why. The important thing is that you’re not restricting them from having any of the foods in these categories!

Establishing a positive body image in your children from a young age will help them have the confidence to be and do who they want. It will also help them have a better understanding of why everyone is different and unique, appreciating the world for the beautiful and diverse place it is!

For further information visit www.heidiklein.com

Mar 24
Love0
empathy to children

Gentle parenting: Is there a ‘right’ way to raise your child?

By Childcare and Nannying, Relationships

Every family is different. The dynamic of siblings, home environment, and work-life balance are unique to each family throughout the world. This means that multiple parenting styles have evolved in your lifetime and beyond, including one named ‘gentle parenting’.

Gentle parenting encourages a positive relationship between the parent and child. The parenting style argues that kindness allows children to follow the rules out of love rather than fear. This is achieved through connection, communication, and consistency.

Dr Becky Kennedy, a child psychologist specialising in gentle parenting, believes this parenting style influences children for the better: “Our children are watching us and learning how we respond to stress and uncertainty. Let’s wire our children for resilience and not panic.”

Here, we’ll explore gentle parenting in more detail and consider whether it can be the ‘right’ way to raise your child.

How can you practice gentle parenting?
There are five crucial elements of gentle parenting. Follow these steps to introduce this parenting style in your child’s life.

Empathy
In order to practice gentle parenting, you need to feel comfortable empathising with your child. This means putting yourself in their frame of mind before responding to their actions. If they are upset, for example, you can ask them to explain their feelings rather than assuming. So rather than shouting at a child for crying and acting out, you could take a moment to stand back and evaluate the situation.

Respect
Gentle parenting encourages parents to treat children how they would like themselves to be treated. After all, children may not be adults, but they deserve as much respect as any other human being. And just because you are in a position of power, you don’t have to use that authority to silence or force them into complicity.

Boundaries
Gentle parenting argues that the absence of discipline does not equal disorder. So you can still set boundaries, such as enforcing rules surrounding bedtime or negative language. In order to do this, the NSPCC recommends setting simple boundaries that are easy to understand, encouraging an open conversation surrounding these boundaries, and being willing to adapt and negotiate these as your child grows and develops.

Understanding
Children are continuously growing and learning. As a result, they may not understand how to communicate their wants and needs. Gentle parenting argues that you must strive to understand the emotions and feelings of your child, even if they don’t have
the emotional intelligence to do this for themselves.

Discipline and reward
Gentle parenting encourages parents to communicate with children in calming tones, choosing to discuss mistakes rather than shouting as a form of punishment. So if they cry because they want to wear their favourite wellies and raincoat on a warm summer’s day, try to explain why they can’t before simply saying, “because I said so”.

On the other hand, you should also refrain from rewarding your child for simple acts. If they have scored at a school football match, for example, you should say “who passed you the ball” rather than “you did a good job”. Dr Beth Kennedy explains this as wiring your child for independence: “When you orient a child to focus on the impact of their feelings on you instead of the reality of the feelings inside themselves, you are wiring a child for co-dependency.”

What are the benefits?
It’s no secret that gentle parenting can be challenging. In any stressful situation, your immediate response might be to force your child into obedience. There are multiple benefits, however, that might help you persist with the parenting style.

Reinforcing calm
Children learn everything from their parents. No matter how small the action or reaction, they will learn how to replicate this for themselves. So you can reinforce a calm mindset within their lives by staying calm in the face of chaos.

Establishing social skills
Everyone is taught to follow the rules, but children may realise that they don’t necessarily ‘need’ to follow them. By establishing simple and understandable rules at home, children are more likely to respect these in their later life, such as at school or work.

Reducing anxiety
Imagine being shouted at by someone twice your height and size. You would no doubt feel anxious. It makes sense, therefore, that removing these negative behaviours will reduce these feelings for your child, both in and outside your home.

What are the negatives?
Gentle parenting can be overwhelming. It isn’t easy to face every emotional breakdown with calm while remembering to go against every instinct to ‘shush’ your child when they drop to the floor and scream while you’re out shopping. Sometimes parents struggle to find an equal balance between setting firm boundaries and being gentle.

Sami, a mother of three from Lancashire, found that her daughter acted out due to poorly executed gentle parenting. Instead of encouraging her child to behave, for example, gentle parenting led her daughter to misunderstand her kindness for weakness and act out regularly. But she has since learned how to set more firm boundaries.

So, is gentle parenting the ‘right’ way to raise your child?
There is no ‘right’ way to raise your child. All you can do as a parent is try your best. If you believe that a gentle parenting approach is the best for your child, then you should feel able to do this while knowing your child is being appropriately raised.

On the other hand, if you feel more attuned to an authoritarian or permissive parenting style, you’re free to explore these other options too. Everyone is different, and that’s OK!

Gentle parenting has multiple attractive qualities. While it may seem like the best idea to raise your child with these guidelines in mind, remember that you’re able to learn the ropes alongside your growing child. Be easy on yourself, and enjoy the beauties of parenthood one day at a time.

For further information please visit www.muddypuddles.com

 

Mar 16
Love0
Mother power

How to care less about what people think of you and your parenting

By Childcare and Nannying, family, Relationships
by Poppy O’Neill
best-selling author of mental health books
for children, teens and adults

We butt up against other people’s emotions every day, in real life and online. People tend to feel a lot more comfortable sharing their emotions and opinions with women, and once you have children in tow, some take it as an open invitation to provide feedback on everything from your appearance to your children’s behaviour.

Having other people’s emotions put upon you can make you feel like they are then your problem to solve, which can cause a lot of anxiety.

Gender stereotypes and other people’s emotions
From very early on girls’ emotions are treated as less important than boys. A study carried out by Sussex University showed that adults respond to babies’ cries differently depending on their sex, with greater sympathy shown to boys.

Gender stereotyping is the cause of many of the ways women are on the back foot socially, psychologically and economically. One of the most common ways gender stereotypes manifest psychologically and emotionally in women is often known as ‘people-pleasing’.

If you’re a people-pleaser, the prospect of conflict, being disliked or even disagreement can feel uncomfortable and sometimes even threatening. For people-pleasers, it seems like a better option just to go along with what other people think and want, even at the expense of their own needs. This disconnects us from what we truly think and want – we lose touch with ourselves by focusing on other people.

The first step to unlearning people-pleasing is to recognise it within yourself.

If you:
• Apologise often
• Struggle to say no
• Don’t admit when your feelings are hurt
• Often assume people are angry or disappointed with you

…you have people-pleasing tendencies. Once you can recognise people-pleasing in yourself, you have the power to take control. It’s not easy, but it’s worth the hard work. The secret is to learn to pause, name the feeling and breathe through the discomfort.

Other people’s emotions are nothing to do with you
The belief that we are responsible for the actions or emotions of other people is common among women. We’re brought up to be nice and to put others’ feelings ahead of our own. Becoming a mother can reinforce this because our children’s emotions are, to a certain extent, tied to our own. As we’re solely responsible for these tiny human beings for such a big proportion of the time, our own wellbeing feels like it’s dependent on keeping them calm and happy.

The key to letting go of the idea that other people’s emotions are our responsibility is to build a sense of trust. When you trust other adults to handle their own emotions and look after themselves, you can let go of some of that guilt that comes when you cancel plans, break bad news or give criticism.

What’s more, when you hurt your own feelings in order to save someone else’s, that’s not actually you being kind – it’s you trying to avoid your own discomfort. Many of us would much rather inconvenience ourselves than someone else, because the latter brings up complex feelings of guilt and shame that come from defying the stereotype of the selfless woman.

When you trust someone to deal with life like a grown-up, you’re showing them – and yourself – respect.

What you can and can’t control
Other people’s emotions are not within your control. Thank goodness they’re not, because it would be exhausting if they were! Focusing on what you can control, rather than what you can’t, can lead to better mental health and higher self-esteem.

Psychologists call the sense of how much power we have over our own lives a ‘locus of control’. Everyone has a locus of control that falls somewhere on a spectrum between internal and external.

Internal locus of control: The belief that you have some power over the events in your life and the choices you make.

External locus of control: The belief that events in your life and your responses to them are controlled exclusively by other people.

Of course, some things truly are out of our control, but the more we focus our attention on what we have the ability to change, the greater our sense of power, responsibility and safety in the world. For example, if it rains on your birthday you can’t stop the weather, but you can dress in waterproofs or stay inside. Those who focus on the weather will feel worse than those who focus on how they’ll adapt to the less-than-perfect conditions.

When you’re feeling stressed out by other people, it can help to remind yourself of what you can and can’t control.

What I can control
My responses
My actions
My boundaries
How I take care of my emotions.

What I can’t control
Other people’s emotions
Other people’s thoughts
Other people’s actions
Other people’s boundaries.

It’s natural to care about what other people think of us and how they feel, but putting other people’s feelings above our own is a recipe for resentment and burnout. Remember – you don’t need to make sense to others, and you can trust other adults to be responsible for their own emotions.

Mother Power by Poppy O’Neill is an honest and empowering guide to parenting for all mothers. Know and grow your power as a mother with this honest, guilt-free parenting guide that champions your own needs and wellbeing as well as those of your children. Available now in all good bookstores priced at £10.99.
Mar 15
Love0
life learning

Exam stress

By Education, Mental health, Relationships, special educational needs
by Edmond Chan
Childline Supervisor

The summer brings with it warmer weather, longer and lighter days and the inevitable stresses of school exams season. The worry of revising or not getting the grades they need can cause a lot of anxiety for young people.

This pressure means that a lot of children turn to Childline for help as they struggle to cope.

Last year our volunteer counsellors at Childline saw an increase in the number of counselling sessions they delivered about exam result worries compared to the previous year. Between April 2021 and March 2022, they delivered 781 sessions to children with worries about their exams – 30% more than the previous year.

One 17-year-old boy told Childline: “I want to do so well in my A-levels but it’s all just seriously overwhelming at the moment. My attention span has been awful lately, and I find it so difficult to concentrate and focus, and as we get closer to exams the stress increases. After I’ve finished revising, I find it so hard to switch off and then I begin getting loads of intrusive thoughts. It’s like I’m stuck in this vicious cycle and I can’t seem to escape from it.”

Exams can feel like a lot of pressure, no matter where the pressure is coming from.

Here are some tips to help young people cope:
Think positively
When we feel anxious, we can start thinking things like ‘I can’t do this’ and ‘I’m going to fail’. It can be difficult but try to replace these with positive thoughts such as ‘this is just anxiety, it can’t harm me’ and ‘relax, concentrate – it’s going to be OK’.

Be honest about how you feel
Sometimes people can put pressure on you without even realising and sometimes it can help to talk about how it makes you feel. Talking about things can help you to think about other ways they can support you in the future. If you’re worried about telling someone, you can always talk to Childline.

Don’t compare yourself to your friends
Competing with your friends can help to keep you motivated. But it can also make you feel like you’re not good enough, especially on social media. Try keeping a list of the revision you’ve done so you can see how much you’re achieving.

And here are some tips for parents and carers, to help you to be there when your children need you most:

Watch for signs of stress
Stress can be good sometimes. It can help us to work harder and focus. But it can also have a big effect and make it hard to cope. If your child is feeling stressed about their exams then they might be:
• Struggling to sleep.
• Having negative thoughts about the future.
• Getting headaches or feeling unwell a lot.
• Not eating because of how they’re feeling.
• Always thinking about their exams or worrying about them.
• Not able to enjoy things anymore.

Stress affects everyone differently but if you’re worried about your child let them know they don’t have to cope alone. Speaking to you, another adult they trust, or Childline can really help.

Talk about what’s happening
Talking about how they’re feeling can reduce the pressure and help them to feel more in control. Why not suggest they try:
• Talking to you or another adult they trust.
• Asking a friend for support.
• Getting advice and support from other young people on Childline’s online message boards.
• Speaking to a Childline counsellor.

Find ways to relax and take breaks
It’s important to take regular breaks and find ways to relax. Taking a break can leave you feeling more able to cope and even make it easier to concentrate when you start working again. There are lots of things children can do to take a break and relax, such as:
• Set a timer to take a 20 minute break every hour so they don’t forget.
• Make sure they have something to look forward to, like a treat or an activity they enjoy as a reward.
• Encourage them to plan when they’re going to start and finish their revision, so they know when to stop.

Stay healthy
• Make sure they don’t skip meals and try to eat healthily.
• Exercising can clear the mind and give them more energy. Suggest they play sports, go for a run or do some yoga.
• Urge them to practice self-care – this means finding things that help them feel calm and relaxed, such as taking a short break or getting some rest.

Exams are very important, and we really want young people to do their best. However, it’s important to remind them that if things don’t go exactly according to plan there will be lots of other opportunities for them to express themselves and succeed.

It is vital that young people feel supported by family, friends and teachers during the exam period to help them do the best they can.

Childline is also here 24/7 for any young person needing confidential support and advice. Children can call and speak to one of our trained counsellors on 0800 1111 or visit www.childline.org.uk for more information.
Mar 14
Love0
loving hands

Your guide to overcoming separation anxiety: Leaving your baby for the first time

By baby health, Childcare and Nannying, family, Relationships

Baby separation anxiety is a real struggle for many parents. When the moment comes to leave your baby for the first time, your parental instinct kicks in. “Would my baby be safe?”, “What if something happens, and I’m not there?”, “Is my baby sad right now?” are only some of the questions that start spiralling in your head when you close the door and leave your baby behind, even if it’s just for one hour.

Although your baby is in safe hands, you can’t help but feel like your heart is breaking into tiny pieces, because you don’t know what’s happening with your baby every minute. Nevertheless, leaving your baby for the first time and getting over the separation anxiety is beneficial for both you and your baby. Baby brand, Nuby, explores how to cope with separation anxiety and make sure that your baby is safe and happy.

The earlier you overcome it, the better
Separation anxiety is normal and usually affects young children between the ages of six months and three years. It usually fades after that, but if the symptoms persist, it can have a long-term impact on your child.

The earlier you start practising leaving them, the easier it will be for them to get used to it and overcome any potential separation anxiety.

As a parent, you also might be suffering from some form of separation anxiety, so it’s important to take the right steps to leaving your baby for the first time.

Do it gradually
You don’t have to jet off on holiday the first time you leave your baby – this will cause turmoil to both of you.

Instead, practise being separate gradually. At first, you might dedicate a two-hour slot where you leave them in your house with their grandparents. It’s advisable that the first times you leave them, it’s with someone they know and in a familiar setting to ease the shock of separation. Later, you can start trusting a nanny or a childminder to take care of your baby while you’re away.

After the first trial, you can slowly start extending the time you’re away from them and even leave them at their grandparents’ and nanny’s house for a night or two. The more often you do it, the easier it will get.

Don’t hold onto the guilt
It’s normal to feel guilty when you first leave your baby. But just like in many other life situations, guilt is not a healthy feeling to experience. Even though it’s totally valid, try not to fall into the trap of self-agonising over the fact that you’ve left your child in the hands of someone else.

It’s something that you need to overcome, as it will help develop a healthy relationship between the two of you and not a co-dependent one. You’re teaching your baby to trust you but not rely on you for everything. Retrospectively, you’re learning that your child is its own person and will eventually grow and separate from you for much longer than an hour-long coffee break. So, the earlier you start the process, the better.

Give clear instructions
Babies have their own individual routines. Whether they like to have a snack right before bed to help them nod off or be read their favourite bedtime story, this is what they’re used to.

Your babysitter’s approach might not match that, so it’s important to communicate your baby’s precise routine with them. This will help your baby to settle and will ensure that there is no additional unfamiliarity and stress.

Pack a comforter
Before you leave, pack a bag of newborn essentials that will be at hand for your babysitter, and make sure to include a comforter.

While their main source of comfort, you, might be away, your babysitter can resort to their physical comforts. Perhaps your baby has a specific toy they like to cuddle or play with, or, for a newborn, they love being tucked in their cosy sleeping bag.

Prepare these items in advance, so that your baby can feel secure in an unfamiliar situation if needed.

Don’t sneak away
Easing your baby into the temporary separation is crucial. This applies to the moment your babysitter arrives and the moment you leave the house.

Dedicate some time to help your baby get used to their babysitter, whether that’s a childminder, a nanny or their grandparents, while you’re still there.

When you’re leaving, don’t just sneak away. Rather, kiss your baby and say a happy goodbye, after which your babysitter will immediately engage their attention and hopefully stop them from crying.

It’s also advisable that your babysitter picks up the baby right away, so that they feel secure in their hands and build a positive relationship.

Leaving your baby for the first time can be frightening, but it’s an essential part of the growing up process. Practising healthy separation from early on will ensure your child becomes its own individual and is able to be on its own.

For further information please see www.nuby-uk.com
Mar 03
Love0

Learning for life

By Education, Relationships
by Jon Chesworth
Headteacher, Banstead Prep

It is becoming increasingly clear that schools should be giving significant thought to how we future proof our children. We must reflect on how we deliver their education and go beyond our core curriculum subjects in increasingly innovative and practical ways. Our motivation is simple: the skills our children need are changing and therefore so must we.

However, there is also another fundamental reason – because it makes learning exciting! Broad and varied educational experiences inspire and engage children and enable them to have fun with their learning, and when children are having fun, when they are happy, they flourish! These broad experiences can enhance rather than dilute academic progress children make across all subjects, and this is what education in the 21st century should look like.

All schools will have a set of values or approaches to how they teach such skills for life. At our school we call them our ‘Attitudes for Learning’, but whatever the name, it’s a focus on the ‘soft skills’, which are often ironically the hardest to teach. These skills and attitudes transcend way beyond the classroom and subject knowledge and are truly transferable to all aspects of life. The World Economic Forum’s list of the top 10 skills employers want from a future workforce should serve as a tick list for what schools must be teaching. Critical thinking, problem-solving, innovation, creativity, self-management, resilience and flexibility currently top that list. It seems reasonable therefore to ensure we are developing these skills to prepare children for life, not just the next step in their education.

There is of course a striking similarity between these and the key skills set out in the Early Years Foundation Stage, the very first step of this educational journey. I believe educators have a duty to continue developing these skills, not just in the early years, but throughout the time children spend in formal education and whilst we can develop many of these in any subject, one of the best ways to do it is through the wider curriculum.

There was a recent debate about whether cooking should be part of the National Curriculum. As a truly fundamental life skill it makes sense, but like so many subjects, the barriers limiting schools’ ability to deliver often come down to a lack of facilities and time. Some schools are luckier than others with facilities and we have a cookery room and a STEM centre where we can nurture a broad range of subjects, but dedicating space and time in the curriculum to life skills is half the battle. If we place great significance on these wider aspects of education and the softer skills and we make time for them, it is not a compromise, it adds to the learning experience in every sense.

Teaching of life skills really begins in nursery, as educators support children to navigate their way into their exciting new world of school, particularly focusing on developing children’s independence. As children move through primary school these skills should evolve not just as preparation for life beyond school but also to engage them to understand their strengths, interests and help bring subjects to life! A good life skills curriculum helps target and develop transferable skills for life in a fun and practical way and they learn so much by participating in these activities, developing skills they are some-times not even aware of using.

As an example, the skills and experiences that our life skills curriculum encourages include entrepreneurship, design and research, collaboration and leadership. Activities such as prototype product design – challenging gender stereotypes, exploring marketing and packaging. Money skills, understanding finance concepts by planning a party! Building business skills through the Virgin Money Young Entrepreneur programme, planning, budgeting then cooking a three-course meal in a Ready Steady Cook event. By participating in these our children develop their attitudes for learning, resilience, leadership, adaptability, curiosity, independence, collaboration and communication.

A dedicated life skills curriculum will of course nurture a multitude of valuable traits but many of these skills should and can of course be taught in every subject, all the time. Developing a commitment to curiosity in our school communities should be embraced at every opportunity. By adopting a schoolwide approach to developing these skills for life, we create exciting opportunities for subject collaboration and school wide activities. Venturing away from or collapsing the traditional curriculum can feel overwhelming at times, but the open-ended learning potential of doing projects or activities in innovative ways is well worth it! Ensuring that there are frequent ways to apply problem solving, critical thinking, innovation and the appropriate and discerning use of technology should be the responsibility of every teacher in every subject!

Jon Chesworth is the Headteacher at Banstead Prep School, a coeducational nursery and prep school for girls and boys aged 2 -11 delivering a modern education to prepare children for an exciting future and encouraging them to aim high and dream big. www.bansteadprep.com
Mar 03
Love0
happy schoolgirls

How to get your child to tell you about their day

By family, Mental health, Relationships
by Pre-Prep & Prep School Teachers at Burgess Hill Girls

How was your day darling? Did anything good happen? Who did you play with? What lessons did you have? What did you learn? If you are a parent of a school age child, it is likely you have fired these questions at your child immediately after they get out of school. It is also more than likely that the response was simply; “good,” “yep” or “OK”, or just complete silence as your questions are ignored in favour of the TV, tablet, toys, or a combination of all three!

So, what is the secret? How can you get them to tell you more about their day? Here are some of the strategies we suggest you try.

Give them time
If you think about how you feel after a day of work, you probably want nothing more than to get home and zone out for half an hour or so. Children are the same. You can talk about something else other than their school day or just let them initiate the conversation if they want to. Otherwise give them some space and time to reset and unwind.

Model talking about your day
After some down time, when you think there is a good opportunity for conversation you can initiate discussions by modelling what happened in your day and how you feel about it. They may choose to follow your example and share something about their day. But try not to push it. They may decide to share tomorrow instead.

Vary the focus and frequency
You might be concerned about a particular aspect of your child’s interaction at school. For example, what they are learning or whether they are playing regularly with others. Often this concern will reflect in the questions you ask. To avoid your child clamming up ensure your questions are varied, especially if it is an area that they might not be comfortable talking about. Try to have days when you do not ask any questions at all. Maybe they will choose to volunteer information on their own. If they do, try to keep the conversation going with open versus closed questions.

Give them confidence
You leave the most precious thing you have at the school gate, and it requires you to openly trust those who care for your child. If you over focus on elements of the day or over question, the child might pick up on your apprehension which in turn might lead them to worry that something is wrong at school.

Try the positive sandwich method
The sandwich feedback method offers positive feedback before and after negative feedback. When engaging your child in conversation about their day, ask them to share something positive. Then ask them if anything worried them about their day. Ask them who they shared their worry with. If they did not share at school, model how they might share with their teacher in the morning and reassure them you have every confidence in their teacher to help them resolve their worry. Finally, finish off with another positive. This approach will help your child to feel confident that school is a safe place and that you trust the adults who work in it.

While we are talking about food, you might want to try making them their favourite snack or drink and sit down to enjoy it with them. As they happily munch or slurp, they might feel more in the mood to chat and share.

Focus on them
Remind your child you are interested in what they did at school not what others may have done or not done. This will avoid them becoming hypervigilant of others and help them to recognise their own gifts and talents.

Make links to their timetable
It is possible you know that they have a particular subject or activity on a specific day so you can make the discussion more focused and relevant by linking to that topic and open the conversation from there.

Be tactical with bedtime
In our experience, bedtime is often the time when children want to talk. They are clever little things, anything to delay bedtime! But you can exploit this opportunity by making bedtime a little earlier, so you allow time to chat if the situation arises. If it is an area of worry for them, they are also likely to sleep better once they have got it off their chest so try not to worry if they go a little bit over! But do not forget the positive sandwich method.

Not sharing can be a good thing!
Children will take the lead from your questions and will respond accordingly. If your questions are probing and you focus on the negative, your child might learn this is your area of interest and so will give you more of the same. Some parts of a day may not always go as your child would wish them to, but it is exceedingly rare for a child to have a totally miserable time. Try to bear in mind that happy children often do not share much about their day and that is OK.

To find out more about Burgess Hill Girls, visit www.burgesshillgirls.com
Mar 02
Love0
birthwise

Bringing up baby – who is making you feel guilty?

By Childcare and Nannying, prenancy, Relationships

When it comes to parenthood, I believe we are hard wired like all mammals to fiercely protect, nourish and raise the next generation. Our attention to this biological task makes us particularly susceptible to the perceived wisdom as to how best to do this. Having had a keen interest in baby and childcare and early years education over the last 40 plus years, one thing I have observed is that every childbirth and baby guru of their time is deposed by the new emergent one. Former ‘truths’ on how to best prepare for labour, ensure good feeding/sleep habits/social skills and so on get rubbished as the pendulum swings from left to right. What is the ‘must do’ one decade is ‘avoid at all costs’ the next, with dire warnings of what will befall your impressionable infant in later life if you ignore the latest theory on bringing up baby.

A small example of changing trends is how baby should sleep. In the l950s babies were placed on alternate sides. This was thought to prevent choking, avoid a flat head and to flatten ears. In the l960s-1980s the advice was to place baby on its front to avoid choking, ease tummy aches and strengthen baby’s neck. Concern over cot deaths (more to do probably with smoky rooms, low breastfeeding rates and overheating than position) the advice again changed and from the l990s onward the advice is to place baby on its back with very light cover.

Lets look at the influencers. The first baby and childcare guru was Truby King, a childcare and health reformer from New Zealand. His premise was that a rigid routine of feeding, toilet training, sleeping, exposure to fresh air and limited physical contact led to good health and a robust character in later life. In his 1937 book ‘Feeding and Care of Baby’, Truby King warns “Fond and foolish over-indulgence, mismanagement, and ‘spoiling’ may be as harmful to an infant as callous neglect or intentional cruelty.” Are you appalled? Well, his doctrine spread across the Western world in the first half of the 20th century, and his theories of necessary strict routine, potty training, lots of fresh air, crying being good for the lungs and so on were still popular in the 1950s. The notion he introduced of ‘spoiling baby’ is now refuted, but this would have been the method by which our national treasures were raised (including our late Queen), and your own grandparents! How did they turn out?

So it was with relief that 1960s parents embraced the kindlier advice of Dr Benjamin Spock, an American paediatrician whose book ‘Baby and Child Care’ was one of the best selling books of the 20th century. His first chapter is entitled ‘Trust Yourself – You know more than you think you do’, followed by the reassurance “Don’t take too seriously all that the neighbours say. Don’t be overawed by what the experts say. Don’t be afraid to trust your own common sense“. Great advice, I think, that doesn’t date.

Dr Spock’s theories were followed by Dr Penelope Leach, an English psychologist and baby guru. She started the fashion of baby centred parenting. If you are a young parent or parent-to-be reading this, your own early years are likely to have been heavily influenced by the wisdom of both Dr Spock and Dr Leach. In the last twenty years the ‘Continuum Concept’ theory has been popular leading to many ‘Attachment Focused’ baby and child care publications.

But, guess what? About 15 years ago Gina Ford (neither a mother, nor a paediatrician but a nanny) revisited the concept of establishing strict routines. Her ‘Contented Little Baby Book’ became a best seller and made her the first baby care guru of the 21st century. Along similar lines, Ferber Sleep Training and the ‘Cry it Out’ method is also currently popular with exhausted parents.

And so the pendulum of advice continues to swing back and forth. However, I have never known quite such polarisation of advice competing for validation at the same time. I follow several online support groups for new parents, most following a particular baby care approach. I am concerned that many mums are exhausted to the point of hallucination by feeling they need to observe the doctrine of having their babies and toddlers physically attached to them at all times, and letting baby take the lead on everything, including toddler night feedings. Don’t misunderstand me, if you just love co-sleeping, contact napping, baby wearing or toddler demand feeding, that’s great and you will treasure this special time and confidently bat away those who tell you that you are establishing bad habits or “spoiling” baby. But if baby wearing is not for you, that’s all right too.

It’s also OK to reject the ‘must do’ baby sleep training if it doesn’t gel with your personality or is counter intuitive. Really, experience and observation has convinced me that there’s no one right way of bringing up baby. I suggest you do your own research – ask what is working for your friends and ask what advice worked for your family. Maybe look at your mum’s old copy of Penelope Leach. I’ve had four children spread over 12 years. Each brought their individual personality and sensitivities into the world. What suited one baby certainly didn’t the next, and my baby care needed to adapt to that (although I too was influenced by the latest trend).

Make sure your antenatal course covers the fourth trimester and early parenthood, and that your teacher spends time looking at the different approaches to baby care, so you can consider what feels right for you, your lifestyle and your particular baby. And to quote Dr Spock: “Trust your instincts”.

“I think attending a good antenatal class will prove to be one of your best decisions, with the benefits of ongoing support and friendship.”
Jackie Whitford runs Birth Wise classes in Lewes and Henfield.
For further details please visit www.birth-wise.co.uk
Feb 21
Love0

Why do we seek to love and be loved?

By Health, Mental health, Relationships
by John D. Bieber
Author of Am I Loved? The Most Asked Question Of All Time

Aspirations of love and of being loved are the constant waking schemes and sleeping dreams of all humankind. Indeed, acting like a barometer for our mental health, the satisfaction or otherwise of our need to be loved is paramount for our wellbeing. Exploring the undeniable fact that as the world’s only emotional beings, it is truly astonishing that we function through emotions that we do not remotely understand or control. Our emotions exist not to benefit us but to safeguard our genes, protecting the life within us. We spend our lives intent on surviving when fulfilment comes from loving and being loved. Nature’s protections serve to liberate us yet we allow them to inhibit our lives without realising that the majority of our many emotional problems are solvable simply by a proper understanding of the human condition. The most asked question of all time is: Am I Loved?

Why do we breathe and why do we need to eat and drink? That is how we are made. We couldn’t survive in any other way. And that is also the case with love.

As human beings we have two special gifts from nature not given so generously to the rest of creation: our emotions and our capacity to love. They stand at the very core of our survival which makes our subject all the more worthwhile, indeed almost tender because as we consider love we are dealing with fallible, loveable, needy and vulnerable human beings just like you and just like me. We are all irrevocably the same.

Remember that love is nature’s gift to us and it will be no surprise that the pursuit of love is a passion, a game, in which practically every individual will participate , if not on a daily basis, then at least at some stage in their lives. Loving is a huge human need but nature has ordained that being loved is by far the greatest human need of all. We never tire of trying to satisfy it.

Love is the only voluntary emotion we have; that is one we can choose to give or withhold. Love looks out for the dangers we must avoid to survive. Love is another pair of eyes and ears, a source of care, a wise and experienced hand to avoid risk, and love is a source of happiness too, the most necessary gift to humankind. When you are loved you find protection and fulfilment in the emotions of others.

To put it simply, love is our predominant desire and our predominant need. Reducing life to its essential parts, stripping out the hosts of feelings that confront and confuse us every minute of every day, love is the single greatest force that influences and propels the course of all human experience. It is love that truly distinguishes us from other animals; it is love that makes life possible; indeed it is love that makes life liveable and worthwhile.

And what is love? Love is like an elephant: you know it when you see it, even, or especially, when it is gone. But can love be defined? I think it can. In fact it comes down to something very simple, namely, the gauging and supply of another’s needs. That is all it is.

It is a binding that contains us all, the glue that holds us together, the care, the security we crave for, the supply of our personal needs.

We give love and we receive it. But really we trade it. We wish to love but, above all, we wish to be loved and in many instances that single desire will be greater than our personal desire to give love.

Being loved, feeling loved, is the real and actual key to the age-old question: what makes people happy? As Steven Pinker writes in ‘How the Mind Works’, “The study of happiness often sounds like a sermon for traditional values. The numbers show it is not the rich, privileged, robust or good-looking who are happy: it is those who have spouses, friends, religion and challenging work.” In short, all individuals whose relationships endow them with the potential to love and be loved.

Aspirations of love and of being loved are the constant waking schemes and sleeping dreams of all humankind. Indeed, acting like a barometer for our mental health, the satisfaction or otherwise of our need to be loved is paramount for our wellbeing.

We give love to find love. When we feel loved, we feel both protection and fulfilment in the emotions of others. That need, that essential dependence on others when we consider ourselves strong and self-sufficient, exists whether or not we are aware of it, can speak of love, have difficulty in finding it or spend our lives in search of it. All of us need to be loved, even when we persuade ourselves that we don’t or appear to be unlovable.

Being loved, feeling loved, is the greatest prize of our existence. It is the only way we can satisfy our need to be happy and whole and at one with our nature, crucially bringing added security to our genes through the loving concern of others.

And so the sight or sound of another human being becomes the most physically arousing thing that a human being can see or hear. Such is the potential of love, going not just to our heart but to the very heart of our being, the constant need for which provides us with our tenderest feelings, our romantic spirits, our passionate ways and a lifelong spur to go on always propelled by our great need to be loved.

And what of our need to be loved? It’s really just a call for someone to love us.

Am I Loved? The Most Asked Question Of All Time by John D. Bieber published by Umbria Press is available now in hardback and eBook in all good bookshops and online.
www.johndbieber.co.uk
Feb 15
Love0
birth advice

Do I need an antenatal class?

By Education, family, Health, prenancy, Relationships

by Jackie Whitford
www.birth-wise.co.uk

“I’m pregnant with my first baby and all is going well. My sister has just had a baby and has told me all about it and given me the books she found useful. I think I have all the information and support I need.” I’ve heard this sort of viewpoint expressed ever since I started holding antenatal classes (over 40 years ago) but now followed by… “And of course I can get any other information from the internet!” So why indeed would you need an antenatal class?

Firstly, you will meet a group of women and their partners who are at the same stage in their lives and chances are you will meet your new friendship and support group. My own antenatal class pals are still great friends, meeting up regularly some four decades later!

Early parenthood is a time of big changes and transitions (like starting school or leaving home) and it is great to meet others on the same journey sharing all its excitement and uncertainty. My antenatal classes usually form their own WhatsApp groups – it’s good to chat to someone else who is in exactly the same boat when you are doing a feed at three o’clock in the morning!

Secondly, regardless of what worked (or didn’t) for your sister/friend/mum, labour and birth are as individual as you are. What was OK for them, may well not be for you. A good class will set out your choices. It should give you knowledge, skills and confidence as to where you have your baby and the options available to you. Through looking at the latest research and discussing with others, you can choose what feels right for you – whether it’s an elective caesarean or a hypnobirth.

A good antenatal class should also prepare you for Plan B – what if your labour doesn’t go as you had hoped? In a recent class, one of the women had planned and booked in for an elective caesarean. She was attending classes to make local friends and wasn’t really engaged with discussions about physiological labour. However, her baby decided to make an early and rapid entry into the world. She said, “Although I was shocked, it’s not what I had planned, I knew what to do. Somewhere I could hear you saying breathe out, relax, you can do this.” Labour and birth can be unpredictable and you need to be knowledgeable and confident to cope with all possible variations.

Which class?
I would recommend choosing a class that runs once a week over five or more weeks ideally to start from week 30 or 32 of your pregnancy. This gives you a chance to really get to know others in your group and a chance to practice the many comfort techniques introduced plus plenty of time for questions. Ideally your class will be run by someone with a breadth of experience both personally and professionally and be committed to supporting you in the birth experience that you want.

“I think attending a good antenatal class will prove to be one of your best decisions, with the benefits of ongoing support and friendship.”

Jackie Whitford runs Birth Wise classes in Lewes and Henfield. For further details please visit www.birth-wise.co.uk

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