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Jul 10
Love0
Dads and family life

The essential role dads play in family life today

By family, fun for children, Mental health, play, Relationships

by Giles Alexander
Fatherhood Expert

 

Throughout history, for literally thousands of years, the principal role of a father has been to provide. But times have well and truly changed. Dads today are more actively involved in every element of raising our children and supporting our partners through pregnancy, birth and parenthood than any generation that’s come before.

Long gone are the days when expectant fathers would spend the whole birth sitting in the waiting room smoking cigars. No longer do we stroll through the front door at the end of the working day expecting the kids in bed and dinner on the table. Providing for your family in this day and age means so much more than merely bringing home the bacon.

As any working dad will tell you, being a father has never been more of a full-time job, and one that extends well beyond the traditional 9-5. Our job doesn’t stop once the monthly rent/mortgage/gas bills have been paid. Our working day doesn’t end when our paid employment finishes and we head home. Bath time, nappy changing, weaning, potty training, cooking, cleaning and emotional support are all fundamental parts of the job description.

More than ever, men today appreciate that being a dad is one of the most important jobs there is. An opportunity to build a family and shape a whole new life. To pass on our values and everything we’ve learnt to another human being, to change misconceptions and outdated stereotypes. And, ultimately, we all hope, leave a positive mark on the world. Because, beyond gestation and lactation, there really are no limits to what modern dads can do.

But this is only part of the story. To be really good parents, we need to be supportive partners too.

Because modern parenting is hard work. It used to be said that it takes a village to raise a child. And back in the day, that’s exactly how it was. New parents had so much more child rearing support from family, neighbours and the wider community than we do now. It was also much more feasible to live off one salary and still afford regular childcare, buy a house, pay the bills and buy groceries.

But the reality is that incomes today don’t cover what they used to, while societal expectations on new parents (especially new mums) are greater than they’ve ever been. Not only is the parenting role itself bigger, but more of the invisible, unpaid tasks associated with raising a family and modern life fall on new parents to complete themselves, with the so-called ‘village’ nowhere to be seen.

Given that gender inequality at work is still commonplace, this still too often leads to the bulk of the parenting and domestic load being heavily biased against women, who end up taking on the lion’s share. As modern fathers, we shouldn’t just accept this as the status quo.

It’s unreasonable to expect the weight of parental responsibility to land solely on a mother’s shoulders. Add to this all the other daily tasks we all need to complete just to get through the day – the laundry, shopping, cleaning, cooking and general life admin – and it’s even more unrealistic to expect one person to do it all alone. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day.

Of course, we all come into fatherhood with different life experiences, jobs, financial situations and support networks, which each have a massive impact on how well we can fulfil our new parenting role. And there is no such thing as the perfect dad, with each of us doing it the best we can, in our own unique way.

But no matter our personal situation, every one of us can choose to be a hands-on dad. A man who knows his stuff, rolls up his sleeves, does his fair share at home, and never shies away from his fatherly duties. Who appreciates his partner and the sacrifices they make. Who chooses to see parenting as a 50:50 partnership between two equals. And sets a positive example, both for his kids and for every new dad that comes after him, by showing them what’s possible.

It isn’t easy. Anything worth doing rarely is. The hours are long, the pay is terrible, and you spend most of your time working with someone who doesn’t speak your language, needs feeding 8-15 times a day, and relies on you to wipe their bum! But, like all jobs, the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. And the rewards – well, they really are huge and will last a lifetime.

Giles Alexander is a hands-on dad of three and author of new parenting book You the Daddy: The Hands-On Dad’s Guide to Fatherhood. Find out more at

www.youthedaddy.co.uk

you the daddy
Jul 03
Love0
astral psychology

Why astrology is the perfect tool for parental support

By astrology, Education, environment, family
by Tarah Stevenson
Love & Luna Astrology

As a parent to my 20 year old daughter, I understand just how challenging parenting can be! Parenting is both complex and multidimensional, requiring the ability to respond to the diverse and complex needs of the child. There’s no manual to help us navigate each chapter in our child’s progress, so quite often we turn to parenting tools to help guide us.

So, what does parenting have to do with the world of astrology? Like most people, I knew my sun sign, but in the spring of 2018, I saw my birth chart for the first time. I realised that I was so much more than my sun sign! The birth chart is a snapshot of the sky, the moment you were born, and astrologers can use this timestamp to derive meaning and a deeper understanding of our psyche.

On a basic level, we have our Sun, Moon and Rising sign, each of which relates to three distinct parts of our nature, and is a great basis for understanding astrological concepts. The Sun represents our identity, sense of self, ego, our wants and core purpose in life. The Moon signifies our subconscious, emotions, what makes us feel safe and nurtured and our needs. Our Rising sign signifies our appearance, how we appear to others and in turn how we view the world and perceive others. Furthermore, the Sun symbolises our father or significant father figure, while the Moon embodies our mother or significant mother figure.

So, how has astrology helped me improve my parenting skills? In 2018, my daughter was 14 years old. This is a time of many physical, mental, emotional and social changes. Hormones change as puberty starts and teenagers begin to develop their unique identity and gain independence. Parents can often find this stage challenging, due to conflicting beliefs, miscommunication and misunderstandings. I started studying my daughter’s chart, which gave me a much deeper personalised insight than any self-help book could.

The chart is divided into twelve parts called houses, and each house relates to a different aspect of our life. One of the first things I noticed was her Aquarius Sun in the 8th house, which meant that while she was socially adept at making friends, she had a deep need for a safe space to recharge. Aquarius is a sociable sign, but Aquarians also crave ‘alone time’. Being placed in the 8th house, further emphasised the need for privacy. This meant when she would retreat to her room for hours on end, a typical teenager thing to do, I wouldn’t take it personally. I understood that this was her coping mechanism after a busy day of socialising.

My daughter is a Cancer rising, which means having a strong attachment to home and close family. Cancers are extremely nostalgic and sentimental, which meant I understood how important it was to talk to my daughter about her childhood memories. She would positively shine when we’d look at old photos together and it was a great way to cheer her up if she was feeling down. Over the years, I have used astrology to help understand my daughter on a deeper level, which has helped me become a better parent by using her chart to support her in a way that is nurturing and aligned with her needs.

A close friend of mine was worried about her seven year old son, who although very likeable, was socially awkward and shy. We looked at his chart and I saw he had a Virgo Moon in the 12th house, which explained his shyness. Virgo is naturally reserved and introverted, and with the moon placed in the 12th house, which is said to be hidden, this further emphasised the challenge of standing out. It also indicated he was delicate to the feelings of others, so I advised he would thrive better in one-to-one connections over groups. My friend has since reported her son is a lot happier now that he has one close friend instead of lots, which he finds overwhelming.

Since then, I have been helping more people understand their child through the lens of astrology and I now offer tailored astrology readings for parents. In the winter issue of ABC, I’ll be talking about how you can use your own chart to better understand your parenting style and how it aligns with your child’s personality.

Tarah Stevenson is a professional astrologer and former teacher who has formally studied at the Faculty of Astrological Studies, London. She writes a monthly newsletter and her article The Astrology of Familial Relationships’ was published in the 2023 Autumn Equinox edition of the Evolving Astrologer Magazine.

 

Apr 03
Love0
sad child

It’s OK to cry – letting our children know they can feel sad

By family, Mental health, Relationships, Special support needs

We’ve all been there: your toddler’s sobbing because their strawberries are being served in a bowl rather than on a plate, or you’re playing in the park and they start crying over a tiny scratch. It’s natural to respond by saying, “Don’t cry, you’re OK.”

It’s a fact of life – babies and toddlers cry. The reasons they cry change as they get older, and so do our reactions. We tend to be more forgiving of infants (although a colicky baby can put anyone’s patience to the test), as we know that crying is one of their only ways to communicate.

Once children start to walk, talk, listen and follow simple directions, adults can become less accepting of crying. Parents naturally want to prepare their children for the world beyond home, and sometimes we react as though expressing negative emotions is a sign of weakness.

Crying can be a way of processing any strong emotion. Toddlers, of course, cry when they’re sad, but they might also cry when they encounter something new, confusing, unexpected, or difficult.

Here are some ways to help your toddler work through big feelings without telling them to stop crying:

Validate and empathise
A simple step is to just say “I can tell you’re upset” or “That looks really frustrating for you and I can see why.” It may help and it shows you care. At this age, your toddler is crying for a reason, even if it doesn’t make much sense to you.

Notice
Notice how you are feeling when your toddler starts crying. We may tell our toddlers to stop because we’re frustrated or out of time and patience. Watching our own reactions can be an instructive way to tap into our own empathy.

Listen
Finding the patience to listen to your toddler struggle to communicate with you in a difficult moment can be hard, but even with a limited vocabulary, they want to tell you about their feelings. Some of it may come in the form of words, some from body language and other cues.

Circle back
Your toddler is starting to remember more and more. A day after a tough episode, revisit it when your toddler’s in a calmer state by saying something like “Remember when you were so sad yesterday?”

For further information on child development issues please visit www.lovevery.co.uk/community/blog/child-development

Mar 10
Love0
ok not to be OK

It’s OK not to be OK

By Childcare and Nannying, family, Mental health, Relationships
by Katie Gowers Watts
‘Diary of a Warent’ blogger

When maternity leave ends, returning to work is an emotional tug-of-war.

diary of a warentMining for diamonds
As maternity leave draws to a close, I find myself emotionally lost, once again. In so many ways I’m looking forward to the return of my professional self, excitedly daydreaming about super-stardom and frankly, ‘being a somebody’. But on the other hand, it hurts.

We’re all familiar with the autopilot words of independent women, the world over. “I’m so ready to get back to work” and “Bring on adult conversations at last”. As for me, my grit and determination shine brightly, but hidden in the shadows of my ambition, is an undeniable anxiety.

Parenting is like mining for diamonds. On average, you need to move 250 tons of earth to find a single carat of diamond. But when you do, you have something indestructibly beautiful. Raising children, through blood, sweat and tears, you’ll deal with 250 tons of sh*t (literal and metaphorical) but the beauty you unearth is like nothing else. It’s invaluable.

It’ll be over when it’s over
Firstly, when this ‘baby phase’ is over, I know I’ll miss it for all time. It’s why almost every parent in the history of parenting says, “They grow up too fast” and “Cherish every moment”.

Secondly, my husband and I are unlikely to have any more children. And so, when maternity leave ends this time around, it ends forever. I’ve been silently dreading it for months.

I doubt that we can ever have too many diamonds, but we can definitely run out of energy and time for another 250 ton dig.

Run for it
Thirdly, whilst I have thankfully rediscovered my sense of self (which can elude you for a while after having a baby), I’m worried that other people’s perceptions of me may have changed. Like ‘buggering off to have a baby’ makes me seem professionally incompetent.

In the early years of senior school, I was roped into running the 800m race on sports day and you had better believe I wanted to win. On the day, with my friends and school-house cheering me on from the sidelines, I ran like the wind – until the last 100m. I realised that my friends, my confidence in human form, were together, united in the crowd – and I was out on the track, all alone. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I buckled and deliberately dropped from 1st to 4th place, afraid to take the podium alone.

Almost 30 years later, going back to work carries a similar irrationality. I want to win, so badly! But my team, my confidence in human form, is now the family I have created at home. And I find myself back at the start line, feeling exposed and vulnerable once again.

Warenting is a competitive sport
Put your hand up if you’ve ever encountered one of those delightful people who brag about giving birth ‘naturally’, probably without pain relief, in a bid to out-birth others? To ‘win’ at giving birth. A fine example of how unanimously irritating one-upmanship can be. Let’s keep it real – if you have given birth, then your body either (painfully) contracted and stretched in ways that don’t seem humanly possible, was (painfully) torn apart from the inside out, or was (painfully) sliced open and stitched back together again. As my midwife once told me, “There is no easy way to get a baby out”. So, however you did it, ‘fist bump’ to you.

Dads, you are credited with 0.011% of the workload. Thanks for your help. (little in-joke there for my husband!)

Warenting is a competitive sport. I have known plenty of women throughout the course of my career, who proudly flaunt the brevity of their maternity leave. They wear it like a medal of honour. “Oh, I only took (*insert short amount of time) off work. I couldn’t wait to get back to the grind” and, “I was responding to work emails from my hospital bed, like 10 seconds after giving birth”. If that’s you, then good for you, I get it. But it’s not me.

Emotional dumbbells
Why do we view physical pain as strength, yet emotional pain as weakness? Since our struggles are such a heavy weight to bear, perhaps we could think of them as emotional dumbbells. The more we lift, the stronger we become.

So, yes I want a badass career, but no, I don’t want to leave my kids. Yes, I want professional success in abundance, but no, I don’t want to sacrifice meaningful parenting moments. Yes, I want to stretch my maternity leave for a while longer, but no, I haven’t lost my ambition.

What I want to say, to shout even, is, “I don’t want to be at work instead of being with my baby. But also, I do want to be at work, absolutely bossing it”.

It’s OK not to be OK
Some of us are wrongly programmed to feel as though admission of our struggles is an admission of guilt. Like it’s telling people we’re not strong enough, not good enough. And as we all know, there’s only one solution…

I’ve turned it off and back on again, and instead of pretending that I don’t give a hoot about something I find painful at times, I’m acknowledging it.

Because as a mother, it is my right to feel this way. And it’ll be OK. Because it’s OK not to be OK.

You can read the full version of It’s OK not to be OK’ and additional ‘warenting’ blogs

written by Katie, at www.diaryofawarent.com

Mar 04
Love0
Divorce help

Court is not the only way

By family, Legal, Relationships
by Rachael House
Partner, Dutton Gregory

Contrary to what we may see on television, when couples divorce or dissolve a civil partnership, there are not many people who say to their lawyers “I want to take my ex to the cleaners!”. In my experience the majority of people say the opposite: “I want to be fair but get what I am entitled to”. In that circumstance, I commend my client for their sensible outlook and discuss with them the ways that settlement can be achieved without going to court.

We will then attempt to engage the spouse/civil partner in an out of court route such as mediation, the collaborative process, round table meetings, arbitration, a private financial dispute resolution hearing or early neutral evaluation. This list of options has grown in recent years, so there are plenty of routes to keep people away from the overworked and underfunded courts.

Despite all the options, it can sometimes become apparent that each party’s perception of what is fair can differ, or one party is an ostrich and does not engage in any meaningful negotiations. This can result in a stalemate in negotiations. Thus, an application to the Family Court to ask a Judge to make decisions for the couple can sometimes seem the only way forward. This can result in the parties both having an outcome imposed upon them that neither of them is happy with. Furthermore, each person will have spent many thousands of pounds in legal fees and may be stuck in the court system for a number of years.

If the above is not enough to put people off going to court, there is now even more of a deterrent in the form of two new elements being applied to the process in 2024:

1 Parties to court proceedings will need to let the court know what their thoughts are on trying to reach settlement outside of the court process, rather than staying within the court arena. If they do not wish to negotiate out of court, then they have to justify why they should not have to go and try an out of court route. If the Judge is not satisfied with the answer, an order can still be made to send the couple off to try and progress matters outside of the court arena.

Furthermore, if the Judge is not satisfied with a party’s engagement, they can make that person pay towards the other person’s legal costs. The court has long been trying to get couples to engage in out of court processes, and so is formalising the process from April so that couples will need to be much more alive to the risk of paying even more money to their ex if they show no interest in trying to move their disagreement away from the court.

2 The press will be allowed to report on court hearings. Initially just in proceedings concerning disputes over children – but this is expected to extend to financial proceedings in due course. This will be subject to strict rules on not naming the parties. There has been a pilot in place across a number of courts in England and Wales, but as from 29th January it has been extended to include 16 more courts including Guildford.

Imagine feeling nervous already about going to court but then having a journalist gawping at you as they type every word on their laptop, hoping for a juicy snippet of detail to entice their readers about the way the relationship has failed.

If your relationship has broken down and you are wondering what the difference is between the out of court routes, here is a summary:
Mediation – a third independent party helps couples reach a negotiated agreement.
Collaborative process – negotiations face to face with lawyers and a firm commitment to try and stay away from court.
Round table meetings – negotiations face to face with lawyers.
Arbitration – a jointly appointed arbitrator makes a decision that will be binding on the couple and become a court order but is more flexible and much quicker than court.
Private dispute resolution hearing/early neutral evaluation – the assistance of a specially trained person acting as a judge identifies and seeks to resolve the issues in the case, with the aim of limiting overall legal costs and time delays.

I know there will still always be situations where court is unavoidable. However, I hope that more people will become aware that going to court to resolve their issues is fraught with risk as to the uncertainty of outcome, speed, cost and privacy.

Rachael House is a specialist family solicitor at Dutton Gregory so if you want advice, then please contact Rachael House on 01483 755609 or r.house@duttongregory.co.uk

Mar 02
Love0
smiling tween

Parenting tweens

By family, Relationships
by Kelly Cox
Parent Coach & Trainer at Connective Family

The transition from childhood dependency to adult independence – it’s scary stuff!

We often think of teenagers appearing in our homes the morning after their 13th birthday, like the scene from Kevin and Perry. But actually pre-teens or ‘tweens’ develop from about eight to 12 years of age.

During this time our tweens often start to worry more about what other people think of them, they may become more self-conscious, keen to fit in with peers and even confident children can become more insecure. This can be a time where we start to see bullying.

So, what can we do as parents to stay connected with our children while they navigate these years?

Our parenting journey is an ever-changing landscape of rough roads, smooth country lanes and mountains, which is why being able to adapt to our child’s needs is crucial if we want to create a calm and connected home life.

Prioritise self-care
The most important thing we need to remember is that we cannot pour from an empty cup. Parenting leads us to pour from our cups constantly throughout the day, so looking after ourselves is crucial.

When we practise self-care, we allow ourselves to self-regulate more often and to allow ourselves to be less reactive to stressful situations. For some, self-care is small daily acts and for others is weekly or monthly acts. It’s whatever works for you, find what you need to help you to stay connected and calm.

Remember, it takes a village to raise a child
It’s important that, as parents and carers, we are connected with others who have a positive impact on us and our families.

Some examples of this might be:
• Maintaining positive relationships with teachers and support staff at your schild’s school.
• Encouraging positive relationships between children and sports coaches.
• Having positive relationships with friends and wider family.
• Asking for help when needed from appropriate people.

Keep up the parental presence
Being able to maintain a positive connection with our children is key to making them feel safe and supported, which in turn has a positive impact on behaviour and wellbeing.

You can increase parental presence in a number of ways to suit you and your child. Some simple ways you can do this include:
• Watching a movie of their choice with them.
• Popping your head in to see if they want a drink or a snack.
• Being in the room with your child.
• Going for walks or drives in the car together.
• Giving them a lift somewhere or picking them up.
• Spending time one-to-one with them doing something they enjoy.
• Taking an interest in a hobby or interest that they have.

Think connection over correction
We’re not saying that we should never correct our children but if we think and practise connection first, we often don’t need to correct.

If a child behaves in a way that we do not approve of, then it’s important that we try and think why they may be behaving in this way.
What are they trying to tell us or what are they trying to gain from this?

We often hear adults saying that children are just ‘attention seeking’. However, if we reframe this and think of it as though they are ‘attention needing’ or ‘attachment seeking’, it leads us to think more about connection rather than correction.

Tweens or teens will often push away from their parents (remember your tween and teenage days!?) so it’s important that we maintain a connection but also allow them to have a little more freedom. This transition between childhood dependency and adult independence can be a scary process for many children, particularly if they do not have the skills to navigate this.

And finally…
We so often hear so much negativity around teenagers, but if we stop and think about what they are navigating in life and the changes in their adolescent brain, then we realise how truly amazing they are!

They’re finding their way through education, friendships, relationships with teachers and other adults, handling intense emotions, changing bodies and external pressures such as social media. And they’re told, often daily, that choices they make today will affect the rest of their lives – despite the fact that their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for planning, prioritising and making good decisions, is the last to develop.

The tweenage brain is a wonderful thing!

Kelly Cox is a parent coach and trainer at Sussex-based Connective Family,

an organisation supporting parents, carers and their families.

www.connectivefamily.com

 

Mar 02
Love0
trampolining fun

The surprising benefits of trampolining

By children's health, Exercise, family, fun for children, Mental health, parties, Playing, Wellbeing
by Sandra Zerr
Head of Marketing, AirHop Group

Trampolining isn’t just fun, it’s good for you too. Exercising regularly not only improves physical health, but mental health as well. And, unlike most other forms of exercise, it doesn’t feel like hard work yet it’s still effective. Bouncing on a trampoline or in a trampoline park can burn up to 1,000 calories per hour! Read on to find out more about some of the surprising benefits that visiting an indoor trampoline park can bring to both your body and mind, whatever your age.

Exercising on a trampoline is three times more effective at burning calories than jogging whilst being lower impact on your joints and limbs. Just ten minutes on a trampoline burns as many calories as half an hour of jogging. The bouncy surface of a trampoline is much kinder on the joints that experience a lot of stress and impact when running, such as your knees and ankles. Stop plodding along the pavement and start bouncing instead, it’s a low impact activity that provides you with really good high impact results!

Research has shown that there is a positive link between physical activity and improved mental health, and what better way to exercise than in a trampoline park!

Exercise can help to reduce stress in the body and release endorphins. These are your body’s feel-good chemicals, so you’ll happily come back for more bouncing! So take a break from your screens and social media and go for a bounce! A couple of hours in a trampoline park will tire you out whilst having fun at the same time, helping to improve your mood and your sleep.

Bouncing is a great way to improve your co-ordination and balance, as well as increasing your spatial awareness. Trampolining requires balance and adjustments of the body to stay in the centre of the trampoline and get a good bounce! The other activities found in trampoline parks – like the wipeout zone, battle beams, assault course, or reaction wall – all challenge your reaction times, physical ability, balance, and strength in different ways.

Every jump uses multiple muscle groups. Bouncing requires the muscles in your glutes, legs, back, and core to be tensed and relaxed repeatedly, giving you a full body workout, and increasing your strength over time. It’s also an aerobic exercise, so your circulation is greatly improved. As you jump, your muscles contract and help the heart push greater quantities of oxygen around the body. So you’ll feel fitter and better in other areas of your life after time spent in a trampoline park!

We’ve found the cure to growing older! Or slowed it down at least – because jumping works in unison with your body’s natural detox system, better known as the lymphatic system, the system responsible for removing dead cells and toxins from the body. Exercising in a trampoline park stimulates lymphatic circulation, promoting a healthy metabolism and helping to burn fat more effectively.

Visiting a trampoline park isn’t just for children, it’s the perfect active day out for the whole family! It’s a great way to spend time together and there are activities for all ages and abilities, not just trampolines! Indoor trampoline parks often have obstacle courses, airbags or foam pits to jump into and practise tricks, battle beams to challenge your friends and family, or reaction games to test your reflexes. Whether you are four or 54, there is an activity for you that will leave you with a big smile on your face.

Students can take a break from the books; swap times tables for trampolines, algebra for airbags, the whiteboard for wipeout, and enjoy a much-needed study break at an indoor trampoline park! They are also the perfect venue for sober socials and even corporate team building events, with a range of different activities to suit everyone and the physical element and fun environment helping to break the ice. Ice breakers without the cringe!

Some of these benefits may have surprised you but they certainly show that the pleasure of going to a trampoline park shouldn’t be restricted to just children; all ages will benefit whilst having a huge amount of fun!

AirHop Adventure & Trampoline Parks run 17 parks throughout the UK providing a fun and active day out for the whole family with sessions for all ages and capabilities. www.airhop.co.uk

 

Nov 26
Love0
defiant toddler

Teaching your child boundaries

By Childcare and Nannying, children's health, Education, family, Mental health, Relationships, Special support needs
by Michelle Elman
Author, How to Say No

You will remember a time in your child’s life when “no” was their favourite word but as a child hits three to four years old, saying “no”, getting their needs met and communicating how they feel, gets a little bit more complicated. They start to develop Theory of Mind which means they start to get an awareness of the fact that not only can they think, but other people think too. Over time, this realisation turns into the knowledge that if someone can think, then they can think about you and they can also think badly about you.

As adults, you will understand that your own boundaries are usually in conflict with caring what people think, and children also suffer with the same issue, especially when popularity, fitting in and being liked by their peer group is such a high priority. This is where it is important to emphasis the need to keep boundaries in their vocabulary, starting with the simplest and first boundary we all learn – the word ‘no’.

As we all know, children don’t do as you say, they do as you do and therefore practising boundaries yourself is the best place to start to be an example to your children. Learning boundaries isn’t just something you should do for your children though, it can positively impact your life in many ways – from self-esteem, to protecting yourself from burnout, to reprioritising your need for rest and looking after your body. As much as children might struggle to do what you say, if you create an environment where everyone feels listened to, they often start to listen to you more too, if they feel heard themselves.

The word “no” is crucial to understanding how you feel, what you want and it also means that your “yes” has more power. If “yes” is the only word you can use, then that’s the default and your life becomes filled with meeting everyone else’s needs and demands. As much as a child using the word “no” may make your life more difficult as a parent, it’s important to understand that it’s a crucial skill as they grow up and become adults.

We want to foster a sense of independence and knowing how to communicate well, even if they still need to comply with the rules of the household or school. When they set a boundary that is simply not feasible, for example, staying at home alone because they don’t want to attend a family friend’s party, then you are still able to congratulate them on communicating their needs, expressing their boundaries and making them feel heard, listened to and respected.

If you lead with empathy, you are treating them with the respect you would with any adult who has their full autonomy and freedom to make their own decisions. I’m sure you’ve had evenings where you’ve not wanted to attend an event that you previously were looking forward to or there are times as an adult, you just want to be left at home alone to enjoy your solitude. For your child though, that might be unsafe and therefore communicating that to them, not only gives them respect but understanding as to the decision making process.

Saying something like “I know you don’t want to come tonight. I know you are tired and I wouldn’t want to come too if I had as long a week as you have. I can’t find anyone to stay with you last minute though and I do not feel comfortable leaving you at home alone so for your safety, you will have to come with us”. When you come from a empathetic standpoint, you can understand why a child wouldn’t want to go to a grown-up party where they have little in common with the people there, and it is easier to come up with a compromise, for example, “If you would like some alone time though, why don’t you bring a book and we can find a room where you can be by yourself while all the adults are talking?”

Teaching boundaries is also about teaching your children to respect other people’s boundaries so when you set rules about behaviour, make sure you echo the reverse. For example, if they don’t want their siblings barging into their room, then they also have to lHow to say noisten when their siblings say no to them entering their room. Emphasising that we also want to respect other people’s boundaries and giving them the language around boundaries is also really helpful. A boundary might not always sound like the word “no”, it can be “That doesn’t work for me”, or “I don’t like the sound of that,” and when you understand that this is someone conveying their boundaries, not only do they have phrases to listen out for but they have the same phrases they can use themselves.

‘How To Say No’ released by Puffin, is available now.

Nov 20
Love0
work from home parenting

Success wears many hats

By family, Mental health, Relationships, Work employment
by Katie Gowers Watts
‘Diary of a Warent’ blogger

As a parent, your definition of success can change entirely.

Despite being a complex person emotionally, I didn’t take my first pregnancy very seriously – until it ended in a silent miscarriage. We had been for an ultrasound scan the week before and reassuringly seen a tiny, beating heart on the monitor. Sadly, one week later we saw nothing but a static, grey image.

In that moment, my version of success pivoted entirely. The only thing I really wanted, was to be able to successfully carry my child.

It’s embarrassing to confess, but in the past, I didn’t respect women who chose not to go back to work after having children. I thought of it as a cop out. I’m ashamed of that now. For those who subscribe to ‘stay-at-home stereotypes’ like I did, WOW, looking after children all day long is hard. Really hard.

Being a perma-entertainer and safe-keeper, never EVER switching off, and the sheer monotony and thanklessness of housework is so much harder than ‘work work’.

 

Even playing is arduous. Fumbling around in the attic of your adult mind for the dusty old imagination you stored away many years ago. The definition of child’s play is ‘a task which is easily accomplished’. I’m here to tell you that playing with children is not child’s play. It’s exhausting!

Importantly, being a stay-at-home parent comes from a place of love (or financial necessity because childcare can break the bank). It’s not laziness or lack of ambition. It took me 36 years to figure that one out.

My two children are without a shadow of a doubt, my greatest achievement. So, having recently welcomed baby number two who brings me unadulterated joy, why don’t I feel successful anymore?

Many of us define our success based on what others think of us. Or more specifically, our assumptions of what they think. Will people be suitably impressed by my accomplishments, my job title, my salary (or indeed envious of them if one’s ego needs a stroke)? If yes, then bingo, we feel successful.

Success wears many hats.

Something we all need to acknowledge is that actually, success wears many hats. Professional success, financial success, parenting success, relationship success, family success. Sometimes it’s just ‘keeping your sh*t together’ success. What matters is how we define our own success, and in turn, respecting each other’s unique versions. If I’m wearing a baseball cap today, that doesn’t mean you can’t wear a trilby.

Right now, rudely interrupting my marvellous motherhood moments, is the fact that somehow my sense of accomplishment is diminished.

I question myself ALL the time. Am I adding enough value – to my family, to our bank balance, to my employer? I feel like I’m in debt.

As a bona fide warent (working parent), I cast aside all the other hats in my success wardrobe, in search of my ‘professional success hat’. The hat that people admire the most. But it doesn’t fit me right now.

Despite having fire in my belly and craving professional success once again, I’m scared. I’m not ready to leave my baby yet; I want to be a present mum – but, I’m also afraid of the alternative. Of having already stunted my success, of being left behind and of missing out on opportunity to be professionally brilliant. I really want both. But we can’t wear two hats at exactly the same time, can we?

My heart tells me to focus solely on our chubby little bundle of joy. Somebody recently told me, “You will never regret spending more time with your kids”.

Surrounding myself with love and this unbelievable family we have created is a HUGE, everlasting success. A hat that I’ll never outgrow. I know that.

But, my (annoying) head tells me I need to get back to work and back in the game. My professional success hat has been sitting around in the wardrobe so long that it’ll be moth-eaten by the time I take it out and shove it back on.

So, I’ve taken a step back to properly look at myself. To open every drawer of my mind and rummage through my collection of hats.

I tried my ‘stay-at-home success’ hat on for size, and I like it. It’s one of those understated, comfortable pieces of clothing that you’ll never throw out, so I’ve been wearing it for a while – but it’s not in vogue. From time to time, I put my more impressive ‘professional success’ hat back on and walk around the house in it to make myself feel busy and important (I’m wearing it as I write this). And when I get bored, I try on every single hat in the wardrobe and end up with nothing but ‘hat hair’.

It seems obvious now, that my ‘family success’ hat will never, ever go out of fashion. The others are perhaps more seasonal.

Here’s the most important thing I’ve figured out. Self-deprecation is the opposite of success. It has literally no useful purpose. It’s a paper hat when you’re out in the rain. Self-respect is success in its purest, most impressive form. It’s a frickin’ bejewelled gold crown, sparkling in the sunshine.

warentingFor those of us ‘warenting’ our way through life, impossibly striving to be perfect parents AND perfect professionals, remember that success belongs to YOU. It’s yours to define. Own it.

For now, I have redefined my version of success. Because it’s not a static, grey image. It’s a beating heart.

You can read the full version of ‘Success wears many hats’ and additional ‘warenting’ blogs written by Katie, at www.diaryofawarent.com

Nov 10
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family christmas

Giving children the best Christmas

By Christmas, family, Legal, Relationships, Toys

For a lot of people, Christmas is about spending time with family, but what happens when children have more than one? If not handled carefully, talk of Christmas can descend into conflict and arguments about where children spend the festive season.

In this article, Family Law Specialist, Rachael House, from Dutton Gregory Solicitors in Woking gives her tips on how to establish a Happy Christmas for all.

Top tips for child arrangements over Christmas:
1. Plan ahead
Discussions should be had as soon as possible. That way, if there is disagreement, there is time to resolve it.
2. Child first
A good way for parents to try and reach an agreement and overcome the desire to spend as much time as possible with their children, is to focus on what the child needs or wants.
3. Compromise
It is always best if parents, who know their children and what is best for them, can find a solution between themselves.
4. No point-scoring
Parents shouldn’t try and outdo each other, either in terms of time or presents.
5. Keep records
Arrangements are best confirmed in writing, (an email conversation will suffice) so there is a clear record of what has been agreed.

If you need help
If they cannot agree, a lot of parents find benefits in using mediation. This is where an independent, neutral third party assists in discussing and negotiating through a situation.

The process is voluntary, and a mediator cannot make a binding decision, but if parties can reach a solution, a ‘Memorandum of Understanding’ can be drawn up to record what parties have agreed to. In certain circumstances this be drawn up in to a Court Order, but only if it is deemed of benefit to the child.

There are alternatives to mediation. Collaborative Law is where parties sit around a table (or in different rooms if they don’t want to meet face-to-face) and engage in negotiations with the support of their solicitors providing legal advice. This too is a voluntary process and any decision is not legally binding.

A couple can also choose to undertake Arbitration where the decision of the arbitrator is legally binding on both parties. The parties jointly agree an arbitrator (a professionally trained and qualified expert who effectively performs the role of the Judge), prepares paper evidence and the arbitrator then hears from each party before making a decision. Arbitration is often a very effective way of resolving a dispute where the issues are limited or narrow, such as arrangements for Christmas.

If you want advice about Christmas, or any child contact, then contact Rachael House on 01483 755609 or r.house@duttongregory.co.uk

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