by Yulia Osudina, Family Solicitor and Mediator, Surrey
Separation can turn family life upside down. As a family solicitor and mediator, I regularly meet parents who are worried about what separation will mean for their children. They ask, “Am I doing the right thing?” or “How can I make sure my child is OK?” Those concerns are natural.
Practical questions about homes, money, schooling and time with each parent can feel overwhelming, but what we need to remember isthat children do not experience separation in the way adults do. They may not understand the reasons behind it, the legal process or the financial pressures. What they often notice is that routines have changed, parents seem more upset or snappy, and the people they depend on may be living separately.
Children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who make their wellbeing the priority.
See it through their eyes
Before making a decision, it can help to pause and ask: How might this feel from my child’s point of view?
For example, a parent may feel frustrated when a handover is delayed or when arrangements have to change. A child may simply feel anxious that nobody has told them what is happening, or worried that a parent will be disappointed with them. Looking through a child’s eyes can change the focus from, “What feels fair to me?” to “What will help my child feel safe, loved and settled?”
That does not mean children should be asked to make adult decisions or choose between parents. They should not have the burden of deciding where they live or who they see. But their feelings, wishes and everyday needs should be heard and taken seriously in an age-appropriate way. Guidance for separating families stresses the importance of talking and actively listening to children, while keeping adult decisions with the adults.
Protecting children from adult conflict
One of the most important ways parents can put children first is to protect them from adult conflict.
Children should never feel they have to choose sides, carry messages, report back on the other parent’s home or comfort a parent about the separation. Even seemingly small comments can place a child in an uncomfortable position.
Instead of saying, “Tell your dad he needs to send the school uniform back,” communicate directly with the other parent by text, email or a co-parenting app. Rather than asking, “What did Mum say about me?”, try asking, “Did you have a nice time?” and allow your child to share as much or as little as they wish.
Parents do not have to agree about everything. Quite the opposite, children can benefit from seeing adults disagree respectfully and deal with practical issues away from them. They should be free to love both parents without feeling guilty for doing so.
Offer reassurance and routine
Children often need to hear the same reassurance more than once:
• “This is not your fault.”
• “We both love you.”
• “You will still be looked after.”
• “You do not have to fix this.”
• “You can talk to us about how you feel.”
It is also helpful to explain changes honestly, simply and in a way that suits the child’s age. Children are often less worried by change itself than by uncertainty about what will happen next.
Where possible, keep familiar routines in place: school, bedtime, clubs, friendships and ordinary family rituals. Predictability can provide reassurance when other parts of life feel unsettled.
Make time for connection
Parents do not need to arrange elaborate days out to make a child feel important. Instead, parents can try putting their phone away for as little as ten minutes (sometimes, there is so much to organise and do at home after work that more time simply feels overwhelming) and giving their child undivided attention. Engaging with their play, drawing together, playing a simple game they are interested in,baking simple cookies, going for a walk, reading a story or simply ask about their day – these are simple examples when children can feel prioritised.
For younger children in particular, play can be a way of expressing feelings they cannot easily put into words. They may say something important while building a den, drawing a picture or getting ready for bed. Parents could try asking:
• “What was the best bit of today?”
• “Was anything difficult?”
• “Did anything make you laugh?”
• “Is there anything you are worried about?”
• “Is there something you would like to be different?”
There is no need to force a serious conversation. The aim is to show your child that their feelings have somewhere safe to go.
Support the child’s relationship with both parents
Where it is safe and appropriate, children usually benefit from being supported to maintain a meaningful relationship with both parents.
This can include helping them make a card, allowing them to call or message the other parent, speaking respectfully about the other parent in front of them, and showing interest in the time they have spent together.
A child’s feelings about their other parent may be very different from yours. They may love and miss them, even when you are hurt or angry. Letting a child express that affection freely is not a betrayal of either parent; it is an important part of protecting their emotional wellbeing.
When parents need support
Putting children first does not mean ignoring your own needs. Separation is emotionally demanding, and parents may be managing grief, anxiety, financial worries or difficult communication with the other parent.
Seeking appropriate support can be one of the most child-focused things a parent does. That could mean talking to family or friends, accessing counselling, obtaining legal advice, or exploring mediation where it is safe and suitable.
Family mediation can offer parents a structured setting to discuss arrangements for children, practical matters and communication. The focus is not on deciding who is right, but on helping parents find workable arrangements that place their children’s needs at the centre.
When safety is a concern
Not every family situation is suitable for mediation. Domestic abuse, coercive control and other safety concerns require particularly careful consideration.
The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises that children can be victims of domestic abuse when they see, hear or experience its effects. In these circumstances, safety must always come first.
A proper assessment is essential before mediation is considered. In some situations, different arrangements, such as shuttle mediation or online meetings from separate locations (which can also be done via break out rooms so that both parents are not on the same screen), may be possible. In other cases, mediation may not be appropriate at all. No parent should feel pressured into a process that puts them or their children at risk.
Small things make a big difference
Children do not need parents who never feel upset, never make mistakes or always agree. They need to know they are loved, listened to and protected from adult problems. Often, putting a child first starts with something small: a calm handover, a reassuring conversation, a regular bedtime, a walk to the park or ten minutes of undivided attention.
It can help for parents to ask themselves: If I were my child, what would I need from the adults around me right now?
That question will not answer every practical or legal issue. But it can provide a valuable starting point for parents navigating one of the most difficult periods in family life.
Yulia Osudina runs YO Mediation offering family mediation for children and finances at any stage of family breakdown, providing tailored, cost-effective solutions outside court for British and international families. Appointments are available face-to-face in Epsom or online.
For further information please visit www.yomediation.com
