Relationships Archives - ABC Magazine

Nov 09

The things our children teach us

By Iain Boyle family, Relationships, Wellbeing

by Katie Stacey, founder of The Wild Shift

It had just started to rain. We were outside and, without thinking, I sighed, “Oh no. Rain.” My eldest son, who was seven at the time, looked at me, completely confused. “What do you mean? This means there’s going to be a rainbow.”

He was right. Almost as quickly as the words had left my mouth, I wished I could take them back. He probably forgot it minutes later, but I didn’t. In that moment I realised he wasn’t just hearing my words, he was learning how I met the world.

We spend so much of parenthood thinking about what we’re teaching our children: to be kind, to work hard, to keep trying. But I wonder whether the lessons they absorb most deeply are the ones we never consciously set out to teach.

The sigh that turns rain into an inconvenience. Whether we rush through a walk without looking up or stop to watch a snail crossing the path. Whether we meet the world with curiosity or simply move through it trying to get to the next thing.

Children arrive in the world already knowing how to notice. Somewhere along the way, many of us forget. Perhaps that’s one of the hidden costs of becoming busy adults. And yet curiosity, awe and wonder aren’t simply lovely parts of childhood. They’re conditions in which we flourish.

For years, I thought it was my job to create those moments for my children. Now I realise they don’t really need my help. If anything, I need theirs.

Parenting asks an extraordinary amount of us, yet so often we believe the answer is simply to try harder. After more than a decade as a wildlife journalist, I learnt that behaviour reflects conditions. Give an animal what it needs and different behaviours emerge. Looking back, I realised the same was true of people.

The version of ourselves our children need most isn’t created through effort alone. It’s supported by the conditions that help us flourish.

For almost all of human history, our brains and bodies developed in close relationship with the natural world. It’s hardly surprising that so many of us feel more like ourselves when we spend time there. Of course nature isn’t the only place we find those conditions, but it may be one of the oldest, and one our bodies still recognise.

These days, I’ve realised that whenever I stop noticing what my boys are pointing out, I’ve usually stopped noticing myself too. I’m rushing, thinking about tomorrow, trying to keep all the plates spinning. Meanwhile, they’re still looking for rainbows. But the truth is the world hasn’t become less beautiful. I’ve simply become less available to notice it, and when that happens, I become less available to meet my children too.

That realisation led me to ask a different question: What helps me become more like myself?

Because when I feel most like myself, I have more capacity to be the parent I want to be. For me, the answer almost always begins outside. Winter can make it tempting to retreat indoors, yet it may be when we need those small moments outside most.

Here are five simple ways to begin this season

1. Pause before you go inside

Before everyone rushes through the front door after school, stop for one minute.

Take a slow breath. Look up. Notice the colour of the sky. Feel the cold air on your face. Say it out loud.

It won’t change the day so far but if you let it, it can change how you arrive from there on out. I often tell my boys it’s never too late to start the day again, and this tiny pause gives us the space to do exactly that.

2. Let your child lead

If they want to stop to examine frost, a feather or a puddle, follow them.

Children have a remarkable ability for noticing what adults often overlook. In following their curiosity, we often rediscover the moments that restore our attention and help us become more available to ourselves and the people we love.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is borrow their curiosity instead of directing it.

3. Let winter become part of the adventure

Rain isn’t the thing that ruined the walk.

It’s the reason you’ll notice worms, reflections, mist and, if you’re lucky, rainbows. Winter strips the landscape back. Birds, bare branches and changing skies suddenly become easier to notice. Nature changes every day, winter simply asks us to notice different things.

4. Find your track

For me, it’s a daily five-minute walk to see what birds I can find. I find it pulls me out of my head and into the present moment.

For someone else it might be walking beneath the trees, tending a garden or watching the sunset.

We don’t all replenish ourselves in exactly the same way. Notice what helps you return to yourself, and make space for it as often as you can.

5. Build capacity before you need it

Most of us wait until we’re overwhelmed before we stop. But the best time to replenish ourselves isn’t after we’ve run out, it’s before.

The real power isn’t in doing these things once. It’s in returning to them often. Because capacity isn’t something we suddenly have when life gets hard. It’s something we build beforehand.

Over time, those small moments help me return to the version of myself I most want my children to know: a mother who notices, wonders and still believes rain might mean rainbows.

The rain carried on that afternoon and, just as my son predicted, a rainbow appeared.

Katie Stacey is a writer, former wildlife journalist and founder of The Wild Shift, a community helping mothers reconnect with themselves, their children and the natural world.

Find out more at www.thewildshift.com

Nov 07

Love0

Safer sleep guidance for families and early years settings

By Iain Boyle baby health, Relationships, Safety, sleep

by Jovita Opio, Nursery Manager, Little Lancing Day Nursery & Forest School

Safer Sleep has become a hot topic over recent months for families of young children and for nursery settings and domestic childcare providers. But what is it all about? From as long ago as the 1990s, advice has continually been developed and shared to help reduce the risks of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) in babies up to 12 months of age, and sudden unexpected death in childhood (SUDC) in children aged over 12 months.

So what are SIDS and SUDC?

SIDS is the sudden unexpected death of a baby where no underlying cause is identified. It is not common but research indicates that the risk can be increased by one or more of the following factors: Premature birth before 37 weeks, low birth weight, less than 2.5kg (5.5lbs), exposure to smoking in pregnancy and sleeping with babies or children on sofas or chairs. SUDC is the sudden unexpected death of a child where no cause is found.

Advice for parents of new babies is offered by the NHS Best Start in Life website, where suggestions for reducing these risks at home are given. Essentially, the recommendation is that the safest option is that babies under six months should sleep on their backs in a cot or moses basket in the same room as their parents, although it is acknowledged that sometimes co-sleeping will take place and the NHS offers advice on how to do so as safely as possible. They offer more information and advice about bedding, clothing and room temperatures at home.

For early years settings, there has been a move from guidance to a stricter set of regulations, developed by the Department of Education in conjunction with the Lullaby Trust. The work of the Trust has two overarching aims: to keep babies safe while sleeping and to offer ongoing support to grieving families where a sudden unexpected death has occurred.

These regulations for children under two years of age are now embedded within the Early Years Foundation Stage framework with effect from September 2026. This is a serious undertaking and provides a specific, stringent framework that must be adhered to. It outlaws unsafe sleep practices during childcare, whether at a nursery setting or a domestic-based provider.

For many nurseries and early years settings, the broad principles of safer sleep have already been best practice for some time, and they prepared for the specific requirements of the EYFS in readiness ahead of the implementation of the changes. It required reviewing current sleep practices and making adjustments as necessary.

Safer Sleep for the under two’s during childcare essentially covers four main areas: how they are put down to sleep, where they sleep, the sleep environment and monitoring/supervision. These can be summarised as follows:

• Children must be placed down to sleep on their back. Babies who are able to move from their back to their front and back again by themselves, can find their own sleeping position but should be placed down on their back to start with.

• Children must have their own separate sleep space on a clear, flat, firm surface such as a cot, bed or suitable mattress on the floor. Babies aged 12 months and under must only be placed to sleep in a cot that adheres to the relevant British Standards – this can include carrycots, moses baskets and travel cots but coracle-style floor beds are not allowed. Cots must not contain extra items such as toys, pillows, loose bedding, bumpers, wedges or straps. Sleep comforters may be used for babies and children aged over 12 months only.

• Sleep spaces must only contain a firm, flat, waterproof mattress. The child should have lightweight bedding firmly tucked in around them. Their heads must always remain uncovered and where blankets are used, they should be tucked in and the child should be placed feet-to-foot at the bottom of the cot. An acceptable alternative to bedding is a well-fitted baby sleep bag which again conforms to relevant British Standards.

• Children must always be within sight and hearing of staff when sleeping. For children over six months of age, a baby monitor may be used, provided it allows children to be seen and heard at all times. Babies under six months of age must always have an adult with them in the same room for every sleep – all children must be frequently checked when they are sleeping. Recommended temperatures for babies under 12 months while they sleep range between 16 and 20oC and staff must ensure that they are not too hot or cold, adjusting layers of bedding or clothing as judged necessary.

Other measures include children who fall asleep on walks and outings not being left in buggies or in outdoor clothing once they have returned to the nursery. Settings such as Little Lancing have developed a specific safer sleep policy shared with families and specifically referenced in Child Protection and Safeguarding policies. Regular sleep checks are completed on our nursery child management system.

Our staff have all undertaken the training offered by the Lullaby Trust and it forms part of our induction programme for new staff.Everyone involved in the care of children has their wellbeing and safety at the heart of everything they do and now these adjustments are in place, childcare providers and parents can work together to ensure that safer sleep practices continue to reduce the risks of SIDS/SUDS even further.

There is more information for families here:

The Lullaby Trust

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/baby-safety/safer-sleep-information

NHS Best Start in Life

www.nhs.uk/best-start-in-life

The Lancing College family includes its two Prep Schools located in Hove and Worthing and Little Lancing Day Nursery & Forest School which offers day care all-year round for children aged two months and over.

www.littlelancing.co.uk www.lancingcollege.co.uk

Nov 01

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Why flexible educational support matters more than ever

By Iain Boyle family, Relationships, special educational needs

by Michelle Catterson, Executive Head, Moon Hall Schools Educational Trust

The school run can be deceptive; from the outside it often looks as though every and another day of learning gets underway. Yet behind those gates are thousands of children experiencing education very differently.

Some arrive already exhausted from the effort it took to get there. Some are managing anxiety that others cannot see. Some are bright, capable young people whose needs are simply not being met by a traditional educational model. Others are attending part-time, struggling with attendance, or finding themselves increasingly disconnected from learning despite everyone’s best intentions.

For their parents, the challenge can feel both deeply personal and surprisingly lonely.

At Moon Hall, we speak to families every week who tell us a similar story. Their child is intelligent, capable and wants to succeed. But somewhere between potential and participation, something has become difficult.

The conversation around education often focuses on destinations: exam results, qualifications, university places and career pathways. What receives less attention is the journey itself and the growing number of children who need a different route to reach those destinations. The reality is that educational needs are becoming increasingly diverse.

Schools across Surrey and Sussex are working incredibly hard to support children with a broader range of needs than ever before. At the same time, many families are searching for meaningful support that sits somewhere between doing nothing and making a complete change of school.

Too often, specialist intervention becomes available only when challenges have escalated to a crisis point. Yet many children do not need a new educational placement, and they do not need to leave school entirely. What they need is targeted support, specialist teaching, greater flexibility and the chance to rebuild confidence before difficulties become entrenched.

Sometimes a child needs help navigating emotionally based school avoidance or they need specialist literacy intervention. Sometimes they require exam access arrangements, a quieter environment to learn in, or support to reconnect with education after a difficult period. Most importantly, they need to know that there is another way forward.

That belief sits at the heart of Moon Hall Connect.

Newly opened in Sussex (close to the Surrey and Sussex border), Moon Hall Connect has been created to provide flexible, specialist educational support for children and young people from primary age through to post-16.

Importantly, it is not a school – it has been designed to work alongside existing school placements and educational pathways, complementing the support already available rather than replacing it. Its purpose is not to take children away from education. Its purpose is to help them connect back into it.

Parents frequently tell us they spend countless hours researching options, advocating for support and trying to find services that truly understand their child. It can feel overwhelming, particularly when there is no obvious route to the help they need. Moon Hall Connect has been developed to help bridge that gap.

Through personalised programmes of support, children and young people will be able to access specialist provision for up to 18 hours per week, tailored around their individual needs and circumstances. For a primary-aged child, that might mean strengthening core literacy skills and developing confidence in learning. For a secondary-aged student, it may involve specialist intervention that enables them to remain engaged in education during a particularly challenging period. For post-16 learners, it could mean building the skills, qualifications and confidence needed to progress into further education, training or employment.

The common thread is that support is built around the individual rather than expecting the individual to fit a one-size-fits-all model.

Every child brings their own strengths, aspirations and challenges. When those differences are recognised and understood, remarkable things can happen; their confidence returns, attendance improves and anxiety reduces. Learning begins to feel achievable again.

Parents often tell us that the most powerful changes are not reflected in a report or assessment score. They are the moments when a child begins talking positively about school again or when they volunteer an answer in class or when they sit an exam believing they can succeed. When they start to see themselves not through the lens of difficulty, but through the lens of possibility.Those moments matter because education is about far more than academic outcomes alone – it really is about belonging and connection. All while ensuring that temporary challenges do not become permanent barriers.

Moon Hall Connect has been created in response to a clear and growing need across Surrey and Sussex. Families, schools and local authorities are all searching for solutions that are flexible, responsive and genuinely centred around young people.

The vision for Moon Hall Connect extends beyond individual pupils. Alongside specialist and flexible provision, the initiative will provide examination services and access arrangements, with future phases introducing therapeutic support, specialist assessments and a wider outreach programme for schools and communities.

The aim is simple: to create a network of support around children and young people, bringing together families, schools, specialists and local authorities to improve outcomes and expand opportunities. The name ‘Connect’ was chosen deliberately, as it reflects our belief that children thrive when they feel connected to learning, connected to their strengths and connected to the people who can help them succeed. It speaks to the partnerships that sit behind effective educational support and the importance of ensuring no family feels they are navigating challenges alone.

For every parent who has wondered whether there is another option, another layer of support or another route forward for their child, there should be. Education has never been about ensuring every child follows the same journey. It has always been about helping every child find their own.

And sometimes, the most important thing we can offer is a bridge between where a young person is today and where they are capable of being tomorrow.

To discover how Moon Hall Connect can support children and young people, and to explore the funding options available through schools, local authorities or private funding, please email connect@moonhall.co.uk

Nov 01

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Children don’t need perfect parents – they need parents who put them first

By Iain Boyle family, Legal, Relationships

by Yulia Osudina, Family Solicitor and Mediator, Surrey

Separation can turn family life upside down. As a family solicitor and mediator, I regularly meet parents who are worried about what separation will mean for their children. They ask, “Am I doing the right thing?” or “How can I make sure my child is OK?” Those concerns are natural.

Practical questions about homes, money, schooling and time with each parent can feel overwhelming, but what we need to remember isthat children do not experience separation in the way adults do. They may not understand the reasons behind it, the legal process or the financial pressures. What they often notice is that routines have changed, parents seem more upset or snappy, and the people they depend on may be living separately.

Children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who make their wellbeing the priority.

See it through their eyes

Before making a decision, it can help to pause and ask: How might this feel from my child’s point of view?

For example, a parent may feel frustrated when a handover is delayed or when arrangements have to change. A child may simply feel anxious that nobody has told them what is happening, or worried that a parent will be disappointed with them. Looking through a child’s eyes can change the focus from, “What feels fair to me?” to “What will help my child feel safe, loved and settled?”

That does not mean children should be asked to make adult decisions or choose between parents. They should not have the burden of deciding where they live or who they see. But their feelings, wishes and everyday needs should be heard and taken seriously in an age-appropriate way. Guidance for separating families stresses the importance of talking and actively listening to children, while keeping adult decisions with the adults.

Protecting children from adult conflict

One of the most important ways parents can put children first is to protect them from adult conflict.

Children should never feel they have to choose sides, carry messages, report back on the other parent’s home or comfort a parent about the separation. Even seemingly small comments can place a child in an uncomfortable position.

Instead of saying, “Tell your dad he needs to send the school uniform back,” communicate directly with the other parent by text, email or a co-parenting app. Rather than asking, “What did Mum say about me?”, try asking, “Did you have a nice time?” and allow your child to share as much or as little as they wish.

Parents do not have to agree about everything. Quite the opposite, children can benefit from seeing adults disagree respectfully and deal with practical issues away from them. They should be free to love both parents without feeling guilty for doing so.

Offer reassurance and routine

Children often need to hear the same reassurance more than once:

• “This is not your fault.”

• “We both love you.”

• “You will still be looked after.”

• “You do not have to fix this.”

• “You can talk to us about how you feel.”

It is also helpful to explain changes honestly, simply and in a way that suits the child’s age. Children are often less worried by change itself than by uncertainty about what will happen next.

Where possible, keep familiar routines in place: school, bedtime, clubs, friendships and ordinary family rituals. Predictability can provide reassurance when other parts of life feel unsettled.

Make time for connection

Parents do not need to arrange elaborate days out to make a child feel important. Instead, parents can try putting their phone away for as little as ten minutes (sometimes, there is so much to organise and do at home after work that more time simply feels overwhelming) and giving their child undivided attention. Engaging with their play, drawing together, playing a simple game they are interested in,baking simple cookies, going for a walk, reading a story or simply ask about their day – these are simple examples when children can feel prioritised.

For younger children in particular, play can be a way of expressing feelings they cannot easily put into words. They may say something important while building a den, drawing a picture or getting ready for bed. Parents could try asking:

• “What was the best bit of today?”

• “Was anything difficult?”

• “Did anything make you laugh?”

• “Is there anything you are worried about?”

• “Is there something you would like to be different?”

There is no need to force a serious conversation. The aim is to show your child that their feelings have somewhere safe to go.

Support the child’s relationship with both parents

Where it is safe and appropriate, children usually benefit from being supported to maintain a meaningful relationship with both parents.

This can include helping them make a card, allowing them to call or message the other parent, speaking respectfully about the other parent in front of them, and showing interest in the time they have spent together.

A child’s feelings about their other parent may be very different from yours. They may love and miss them, even when you are hurt or angry. Letting a child express that affection freely is not a betrayal of either parent; it is an important part of protecting their emotional wellbeing.

When parents need support

Putting children first does not mean ignoring your own needs. Separation is emotionally demanding, and parents may be managing grief, anxiety, financial worries or difficult communication with the other parent.

Seeking appropriate support can be one of the most child-focused things a parent does. That could mean talking to family or friends, accessing counselling, obtaining legal advice, or exploring mediation where it is safe and suitable.

Family mediation can offer parents a structured setting to discuss arrangements for children, practical matters and communication. The focus is not on deciding who is right, but on helping parents find workable arrangements that place their children’s needs at the centre.

When safety is a concern

Not every family situation is suitable for mediation. Domestic abuse, coercive control and other safety concerns require particularly careful consideration.

The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises that children can be victims of domestic abuse when they see, hear or experience its effects. In these circumstances, safety must always come first.

A proper assessment is essential before mediation is considered. In some situations, different arrangements, such as shuttle mediation or online meetings from separate locations (which can also be done via break out rooms so that both parents are not on the same screen), may be possible. In other cases, mediation may not be appropriate at all. No parent should feel pressured into a process that puts them or their children at risk.

Small things make a big difference

Children do not need parents who never feel upset, never make mistakes or always agree. They need to know they are loved, listened to and protected from adult problems. Often, putting a child first starts with something small: a calm handover, a reassuring conversation, a regular bedtime, a walk to the park or ten minutes of undivided attention.

It can help for parents to ask themselves: If I were my child, what would I need from the adults around me right now?

That question will not answer every practical or legal issue. But it can provide a valuable starting point for parents navigating one of the most difficult periods in family life.

Yulia Osudina runs YO Mediation offering family mediation for children and finances at any stage of family breakdown, providing tailored, cost-effective solutions outside court for British and international families. Appointments are available face-to-face in Epsom or online.

For further information please visit www.yomediation.com

Jul 20

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Getting your child ‘school ready’

By adrian_abc Education, Primary school, Relationships

There has been a lot in the press recently regarding fewer children being ‘school ready’. More children are starting school without being toilet trained and are finding the school environment difficult to cope with. Below, Barnardo’s charity offers their advice.

Being ready for school does not mean your child needs to be able to read or write their own name. Although it’s great if they can!

There are some practical skills that will make life easier for your child when starting school:

• Putting on their coat

• Using the toilet on their own

• Sitting at a table to eat

Your child will learn to read and write in school. Their teacher will help them to progress at their own level. Have fun with your child in the preschool months and years by:

• Sharing stories

• Playing games together

• Singing songs

• Talking together

Getting your child used to being away from you

This is less likely to be an issue if your child already attends a childcare setting, but starting school is a big step. Don’t worry if your child is tearful and clingy for the first few days – it’s quite normal. Although you might feel terrible leaving them, they will most likely be playing quite happily within a few minutes.

If they haven’t spent time away from you, try looking for chances to leave your child with other people such as friends, family or play dates. Your child needs to learn that when you leave them you will come back. This way they can relax, have fun, and continue learning when you are away.

Helping your child share their needs, feelings and emotions

Your child is learning and developing fast. You can help them have the right words and phrases and the confidence to ask for help. The teachers will support your child in the classroom.

Help your child to ask for help if needed. For example: “What would you say to your teacher if you needed help with going to the toilet/putting on your shoes?”

Remember to encourage the use of “please” and “thank you”.

Self-care

Using school toilets can be a big challenge for little people. Ensuring your child can use the toilet will help them. They need to wipe themselves clean and wash their hands afterwards.

Children learn this skill at different times. If the time comes to start school and they still need some support, talk to the classroom teacher. Help your child to use the words they will need to ask for help. Sitting on the toilet and shouting “finished” isn’t going to work!

Little accidents are common for children in a new, exciting environment. Pack a spare set of underwear and make sure they know where it is. Do not pack new underwear that your child has never seen before. They may deny that the pants belong to them and refuse to put them on!

Washing hands

Teach your child to wash their hands and chat about the importance of good hand washing with soap and water.

There are other things that will make life easier for children once they start school such as being able to dress and feed themselves and sitting still and concentrating for a short amount of time.

If your child is starting school in September the full article is worth reading and is available at https://families.barnardos.org.uk/

Jul 10

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Early movement

By adrian_abc children's health, dance & Art, Education, Exercise, fun for children, Mental health, Playing, Relationships, Sport, Theatre

by Alice Liley, TumbleTots Worthing

Movement is one of the many ways babies and young children start to understand the world around them. Think about a baby rolling all the way over for the first time, or a preschooler jumping around with excitement. These moments aren’t just cute, they’re important steps in your child’s development. As parents, we have the joy of cheering them on as they master the basics and gradually build skills like balance, climbing and agility. These skills don’t just help them stay healthy, they also help with thinking, learning, managing feelings and making friends.

It’s good to remember that every child moves in their own way and at their own pace. Some babies might crawl early, others might take their time. What matters most is giving them lots of relaxed and engaging chances to play and spaces to try new things, so they can build confidence and learn new skills whilst having fun with you.

Agility might sound like a skill reserved for athletes, but in reality, it is simply about moving with control and adapting to new situations. Babies begin by crawling, then cruising and then walking. Children build their agility by learning to adapt their skills – crawling under tables, climbing over cushions and reacting to the space around them. Games like chase, dancing or dodging obstacles helps them to get better at moving as well as teaching them how to play with others as they grow.

Balance is fundamental to physical development. Babies start working on balance as soon as they learn to sit up and roll. As they grow, playing on uneven ground, stepping over toys or kicking a ball all help build their core muscles and balance. Letting your child play and move on their own, without holding their hand too tightly, helps them trust their bodies and become more independent in balance.

Climbing is another valuable way to develop strength and problem-solving skills. Whether your child is pulling up on the couch, climbing stairs or exploring a playground, they’re learning to plan their moves and judge distances. The goal isn’t always to climb the highest, but to let your child try new challenges independently that fit their abilities. You can help by giving them safe places to climb on their own, starting with simple things and moving up as they get stronger.

When babies and young children are moving, whether they’re rolling, crawling or walking, they’re getting feedback from all their senses. They feel where their body is, look around to judge how far things are, and learn by trial and error. This helps them figure out how to control their bodies, which is important for future skills like getting dressed, writing and team sports. You can help by making sure their clothes and play spaces let them move easily. Soft mats to roll on, bare feet as much as possible and plenty of room to explore can all make a big difference.

Every child benefits from opportunities to move and explore, regardless of their abilities or background. Creating welcoming environments, offering choices and focusing on what your child can do helps build a positive and inclusive experience.

Early movement also plays a key role in brain development, laying the foundations for future learning, hobbies and even careers. Each new movement is an opportunity to experiment, make mistakes and try again. Building resilience and self-esteem along the way.

Movement is also a powerful way for children to connect with others. Playing games, chasing friends and joining group activities teaches cooperation, turn taking and social skills. When movement is fun and accessible for all, children are more likely to share their games, explore together and discover the fun in shared activities.

When children feel safe and supported, they are more willing to try new things. Respecting their comfort zones while allowing them to take the lead helps build independence and confidence. In the early years, movement shapes how children grow, learn and see themselves.

By encouraging skills like balance, agility and climbing, you are helping your child develop into a confident and resilient person. The best thing you can offer is a wide range of opportunities to move and play, creating a strong foundation for a happy, healthy future.

Booking Tumble Tots Worthing classes helps your child build confidence, coordination, social skills and fitness while having fun in a safe environment together.

To find out more please visit www.tumbletots.com/worthing

Jul 07

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Family mediation and neurodiversity Why understanding your child changes everything

By adrian_abc ADHD and neurodiversity, Legal, Relationships

by Yulia Osudina, YO Mediation

When parents separate, one of the biggest concerns is how children will cope. For many families, mediation offers a calm and constructive way to make arrangements. But when a child is neurodivergent, whether they have ADHD, autism, developmental coordination disorder, Tourette’s Syndrome, specific learning difficulties (e.g. dyslexia, dyscalculia), or another form of neurodiversity, the approach needs to go further.

For these children, it is not just about where they live. It is about how they experience change, routine, and emotional security.

A growing reality for many families

There is growing awareness of neurodiversity across England, and that is a positive step forward. It is estimated that around 15 – 20% of the population is neurodivergent. Based on National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) guidelines, ADHD is thought to affect between 3 – 5% of school aged children, while British Medical Association states that autism affects approximately 1 in 100 children in the UK.

At the same time, family separation is common. According to the Office for National Statistics, around one in four families experience separation before a child reaches adulthood.

This means many families are navigating both neurodiversity and separation at the same time. While awareness is improving, support systems are still evolving. There is growing emphasis within legislation and policy on promoting children’s wellbeing and recognising their individual needs. However, the family justice system still faces challenges. Delays in the courts are widely reported, and for those children who depend on routine and predictability, long periods of uncertainty can be particularly difficult.

Understanding neurodiversity in mediation

Family mediation works best when it truly focuses on the child. A mediator with an understanding of neurodiversity will recognise that behaviour is often a form of communication and that children may experience routines, transitions, and emotions differently.

This understanding shapes better conversations between parents and leads to more practical and supportive outcomes for children.

ADHD and the challenge of two homes

For a child with ADHD, daily life can already feel fast moving and unpredictable. Separation can add further complexity.

Moving between two homes may seem straightforward, but in reality, it can lead to forgotten belongings, difficulty adapting to different routines, increased anxiety around transitions and emotional overwhelm.

A mediator who understands ADHD will encourage parents to look beyond, for example, equal time arrangements and instead focus on stability and what it means for a particular child. This may involve creating consistent routines across both homes, using clear and visual schedules, reducing the number of transitions and agreeing on practical ways to stay organised and communicate. It may also be necessary to have regular reviews, especially in the beginning. Some families choose to have an annual review of their parenting plan at the start of each school year.

The aim is to create a sense of predictability that supports the child’s wellbeing and overall emotional stability.

Autism, routine and emotional safety

For autistic children, routine and familiarity are often essential to feeling secure. Changes to living arrangements can feel overwhelming, not because the child is unwilling, but because predictability is so important.

An informed mediator will support parents to think carefully about how change is introduced. This may include gradual transitions, maintaining consistent daily routines and ensuring the child has a familiar and comfortable space in each home.

In a similar way, extra consideration may have to be given to how and when new partners (and potentially, their children) are introduced to an autistic child.

Preparing the child in advance and allowing time to adjust can make a significant difference. A slower and more thoughtful approach often leads to better long-term outcomes.

The emotional impact of separation

All children are affected by separation, but neurodivergent children may experience and express emotions in different ways. Some may struggle to explain how they feel, while others may become more anxious or withdrawn. Changes in behaviour can be a sign that the child is overwhelmed.

A mediator with the right understanding will help parents recognise these signs and respond in supportive ways. This includes encouraging clear communication, reducing last minute changes and creating an environment where the child feels safe and understood.

Moving away from one size fits all parenting plans

Parenting plans often focus on fairness or convenience, but for neurodivergent children, a more individual approach is needed.

Effective arrangements may include longer stays in one home to reduce transitions, flexible schedules that reflect the child’s needs and shared strategies to support emotional regulation.

It is also important to build in regular review so that arrangements can adapt as the child grows and their needs change. In some cases, the involvement of other professionals such as parenting coordinators or therapists can provide valuable support and guidance.

This approach allows families to create arrangements that are practical, realistic, and focused around the child’s everyday experience.

Mediation compared with court

One of the key advantages of mediation is that it allows parents to remain in control of decisions. Families can design arrangements that reflect their child’s routines, sensitivities and emotional needs.

By contrast, the court process can feel rigid. Decisions are made for families, often under pressure and within limited time. With ongoing delays in the court system, families may face long periods of uncertainty, which can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent children.

Mediation offers a more flexible and responsive approach, allowing families to adjust and refine arrangements as needed.

A more supportive way forward

Separation is never easy, but with the right support, families can move forward in a way that protects a child’s wellbeing.

For families with neurodivergent children, understanding is key. Working with a mediator who recognises ADHD, autism, dyspraxia, associated specific learning difficulties or another form of neurodiversity can lead to more thoughtful decisions and better outcomes.

It means less misunderstanding, more stability and arrangements that truly reflect the child’s needs.

Most importantly, it ensures that the child remains at the centre of every decision, where they belong.

YO Mediation offers family mediation on children and finances at any stage of family breakdown, providing tailored, cost-effective solutions outside court for British and international families. Appointments are available face-to-face in Epsom or online. For further information please visit www.yomediation.com

Jul 03

Love0

From steps to strength – The power of ballet and dance for children’s fitness

By adrian_abc dance & Art, Education, fun for children, Mental health, Music and singing, Relationships, Theatre

by Lynda Forster, Dance Art Studio

In a world filled with screens, busy schedules,and limited outdoor play, finding fun and effective ways to keep children active is more important than ever. One activity that blends movement, creativity and joy is dance. For preschool children especially, dance classes offer far more than just learning steps – they provide a powerful foundation for physical fitness, emotional development and lifelong healthy habits.

Moving little bodies in big ways

Preschool-aged children are naturally full of energy. Dance gives them a structured yet playful outlet to move their bodies in ways that support healthy growth. Through jumping, spinning, stretching and balancing, children develop essential motor skills such as coordination, agility and strength.

Unlike some sports that focus on competition, dance encourages every child to participate at their own level. Whether they are tiptoeing like a fairy or stomping like a dinosaur, each movement helps build muscle strength and improve cardiovascular fitness. Over time, these small steps contribute to stronger bodies and better physical endurance.

Building confidence through expression

Dance is not just about physical movement – it’s also a powerful form of self-expression. In a dance class, children are encouraged to use their imagination, explore different emotions and express themselves freely through movement.

For preschoolers who may not yet have the words to describe how they feel, dance becomes a language of its own. This freedom helps boost self-confidence, as children learn that their ideas and movements are valued. Performing simple routines or even just dancing in front of peers can give them a sense of accomplishment and pride.

Supporting social skills and friendships

Dance classes are also wonderful social environments. Children learn to share space, take turns and work together as part of a group. Whether they are following a teacher’s instructions or moving in sync with classmates, they are developing important social skills.

These interactions help children build friendships and feel part of a community. For many preschoolers, dance class may be one of their first structured group experiences, making it an excellent opportunity to practice cooperation, listening and respect for others.

Enhancing brain development

The benefits of dance extend beyond the body and into the brain. Learning dance routines involves memory, focus, and sequencing – all key cognitive skills for early development.

When children remember a series of steps or respond to changes in music, they are strengthening neural connections that support learning in other areas, such as reading and problem solving. Dance also introduces rhythm and timing, which are closely linked to language development and early literacy skills.

Encouraging healthy habits early

Introducing children to dance at a young age helps establish a positive relationship with physical activity. When exercise is associated with fun and creativity, children are more likely to stay active as they grow older.

Dance classes teach children that movement is enjoyable, not a chore. This mindset is crucial in building lifelong habits that contribute to overall health and wellbeing. Instead of viewing fitness as something they ‘have to do,’children begin to see it as something they love.

Supporting emotional wellbeing

Preschool years can be full of big emotions. Dance provides a safe and supportive space for children to release energy, reduce stress and help regulate their feelings.

Music and movement have a natural calming effect, helping children feel happier and more relaxed. Whether they are dancing energetically or swaying gently to a soft tune, these moments can improve mood and emotional balance.

Additionally, the structure of a dance class – warm-ups, activities and cool-downs – gives children a sense of routine and security, which is especially beneficial during early childhood.

Inclusive and adaptable for all

One of the greatest strengths of dance is its inclusivity. Dance classes can be adapted to suit children of all abilities, ensuring that everyone can participate and enjoy the experience.

There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to dance, which makes it accessible and welcoming. This inclusive environment helps children feel accepted and valued, regardless of their skill level.

A joyful path to fitness

At its heart, dance is about joy. The laughter, music, and movement create an environment where children can thrive physically, socially, and emotionally. It transforms exercise into an adventure, where every class brings new opportunities to explore, learn and grow.

For parents and caregivers, enrolling a child in a dance class is not just about teaching them steps – it’s about giving them the tools to build strength, confidence and a love for movement that can last a lifetime.

So, whether it’s a twirl, a jump, or a simple clap to the beat, every movement matters. From those first tiny steps to stronger, more confident strides, dance truly has the power to shape a child’s fitness journey in the most delightful way.

Dance Art Studio is located in the Fiveways and Preston Park area of Brighton offering preschool ballet and dance for 3-4 year olds and graded ballet, tap, modern theatre dance and street as well as boys only tap and jazz. Exams and performance opportunities. We also hold holiday workshops. www.danceartstudio.co.uk

Jul 02

Love0

Public speaking and confidence A gift or a skill?

By adrian_abc Childcare and Nannying, Education, Independence, Mental health, Relationships, Wellbeing

by Aysha Powell, Planted Voices

Picture the scene. You are in a cafe and the waiter asks your child what they would like. Your child, who spent the entire car journey telling you exactly what they wanted, goes completely silent. They bury their face in your arm. You smile apologetically, say something about being shy and order for them. It happens a hundred times in a childhood. Most of us let it pass without a second thought. But those moments matter far more than we realise, because inside each one is a message your child quietly gives themselves about their voice. And once that message takes hold, it is hard to change.

The question parents most often ask me is whether confidence is something a child is born with or something that can be built. The answer, backed by decades of child development research, is unambiguous – it is built. And the most important thing to understand is when. It does not begin at secondary school. It does not begin when a child is asked to present in class. It begins in the earliest conversations, at the kitchen table, in the car, on the way to nursery, long before anyone thinks to call it public speaking.

Communication confidence is not a secondary school subject. It is not a skill we should begin developing at eleven or twelve, when habits of silence and self-doubt are already well established. Research in early childhood development consistently shows that children who are given a voice from a young age, asked for their opinions, listened to with genuine attention and encouraged to express themselves in safe environments, develop significantly stronger communication skills, higher self-esteem and better academic outcomes than those who are not. The gap is visible well before a child reaches primary school.

“Communication confidence is not a secondary school subject. It begins in the earliest conversations, long before anyone thinks to call it public speaking.”

And yet our school system is not designed to develop every child’s voice. Susan Cain’s landmark research in Quiet shows that schools are built overwhelmingly for extroverts. The child who leads every group project and shouts out answers is rewarded. The child who thinks deeply and speaks only when certain is too often overlooked, or labelled as shy, as though that explains everything. The UK Government’s growing investment in oracy, the ability to speak clearly and with confidence, acknowledges something has been missing. Research shows that children who receive explicit communication teaching make measurable gains in literacy, critical thinking and self-confidence. Parents do not need to wait for the curriculum to catch up.

From the moment a child begins to talk, parents are their most important communication teacher, often without realising it. Even a two-year-old who is encouraged to say please and thank you to a stranger is practising something real. The conversations we have at breakfast, how we respond when a child tells us something that matters to them, whether we let them order their own food or do it for them – these are the earliest lessons in whether a voice is worth using. The most effective things parents can do require no specialist training, no expense and very little time.

The most powerful starting point is genuinely listening when your child speaks, not just hearing but responding as though what they have said matters. Ask follow-up questions. Invite opinions on small things – what film shall we watch, what do you think happened there? A child who is regularly asked what they think, and whose answer is received with curiosity rather than correction, learns early that their voice has value. This is where all communication confidence begins, and it can start at three just as easily as at thirteen.

Second, create small, real-world speaking moments and step back. Let your five-year-old hand their library books to the librarian and say thank you. Let your eight-year-old order their own meal at a restaurant. Let your twelve-year-old call to ask about a booking. These micro-moments feel insignificant but they are anything but, because each one builds a child’s evidence that their voice works outside the home. The temptation to step in is natural and kind. Resist it. Give them five seconds. The discomfort is not distress. It is growth.

Finally, look for structured activities in the right environment. Drama, debate, storytelling and public speaking workshops all help, but the setting matters as much as the activity. Large or competitive groups can overwhelm quieter children. Seek out small groups where every child is seen, confidence is built through encouragement rather than evaluation, and the child who speaks last is valued as much as the child who speaks first.

I spent twenty years learning something that could have been natural if someone had started building it when I was small. It is the story of a generation who waited too long. Our children do not have to. The window opens early. Pay attention when it does.

Aysha Powell is a corporate professional and public speaking coach for children, with twenty years of experience in communication-led environments. She works with children across South London, from early years through to secondary school, helping them build the confidence, clarity and courage to find their voice. www.plantedvoices.com @weareplantedvoices

Mar 23

Love0

Theatre – ignite their imagination

By Iain Boyle Music and singing, Panto, panto, Relationships, Theatre

Taking children to watch live theatre is one of the most enriching gifts a parent can offer. In a world increasingly dominated by screens, instant gratification and passive entertainment, live theatre stands apart as a vibrant, human and deeply immersive experience. It sparks imagination, nurtures emotional intelligence and introduces children to the power of storytelling in a way no digital medium can replicate. Beyond simple entertainment, theatre helps shape thoughtful, confident and culturally aware young people.

One of the most powerful benefits of live theatre is its ability to ignite imagination. Unlike films or television, theatre does not rely on constant visual effects or close-up shots to tell its story. Children must actively engage, filling in gaps with their own creativity. A simple stage can become a magical kingdom, a pirate ship or a bustling city through performance, lighting and sound. This active participation strengthens a child’s ability to visualise, think creatively and interpret meaning – skills that are essential for problem-solving and innovation later in life.

Live theatre also fosters emotional development. When children watch characters experience joy, fear, jealousy, love or loss in real time, they learn to recognise and understand emotions in a nuanced way. Seeing actors express feelings physically and vocally helps children develop empathy, teaching them to consider perspectives different from their own. These emotional lessons are subtle yet powerful, helping children become more compassionate and emotionally literate as they grow.

Another major advantage of live theatre is its positive impact on language and communication skills. Theatre exposes children to rich vocabulary, expressive dialogue and varied speech patterns. Unlike scripted television shows designed for quick consumption, stage plays often challenge young audiences to listen closely and follow complex narratives. This strengthens listening skills, improves comprehension and encourages a deeper appreciation for language. For younger children especially, seeing stories unfold through spoken word can significantly support literacy development.

Live theatre also encourages focus and patience – qualities that are increasingly rare in the digital age. Sitting through a performance requires children to remain attentive, observe quietly and respect shared spaces. This practice of sustained attention is invaluable, helping children develop self-discipline and the ability to engage meaningfully with longer tasks. Over time, these habits translate into better concentration at school and a greater capacity for thoughtful reflection.

Cultural exposure is another key reason to introduce children to theatre. Plays often reflect diverse histories, traditions and viewpoints, allowing children to explore cultures and experiences beyond their own. Whether watching a classic fairy tale, a historical drama or a modern story tackling social themes, children gain insight into the world’s complexity. Theatre can gently introduce big ideas – such as fairness, identity, courage and responsibility – in ways that are accessible and age-appropriate.

Importantly, live theatre creates shared experiences that strengthen family bonds. Attending a performance together opens the door to meaningful conversations afterward. Parents and children can discuss characters’ choices, favourite moments or lessons learned, reinforcing understanding and critical thinking. These discussions help children articulate their thoughts and opinions while feeling heard and valued. The memory of dressing up, sitting in a theatre and applauding performers can become a cherished family tradition.

Live theatre can also inspire confidence and creativity in children. Watching performers command a stage may encourage children to explore self-expression through drama, music or public speaking. For some, it plants the seed for a lifelong love of the arts; for others, it simply builds courage to speak up, perform or share ideas openly. Even children who never step on stage themselves benefit from seeing what confidence, collaboration and practise can achieve.

Finally, taking children to live theatre teaches them to value art and human connection. Theatre is a shared, unrepeatable experience – each performance is unique, shaped by the energy between actors and audience. Children learn that not all meaningful experiences can be paused, replayed or scrolled past. They learn to be present, to appreciate effort, and to recognise the beauty of creativity unfolding in real time.

Live theatre offers far more than entertainment for children. It nurtures imagination, builds empathy, strengthens communication skills and fosters cultural awareness. It teaches patience, inspires creativity and creates lasting family memories. In choosing to take children to live theatre, parents are not just planning an outing – they are investing in their child’s emotional, intellectual and social growth.

In a fast-paced, digital world, live theatre remains a powerful reminder of the magic that happens when stories are shared face-to-face.