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Nov 09
Love0
outdoor fun for children

The things our children teach us

By family, Relationships, Wellbeing
by Katie Stacey, founder of The Wild Shift

It had just started to rain. We were outside and, without thinking, I sighed, “Oh no. Rain.” My eldest son, who was seven at the time, looked at me, completely confused. “What do you mean? This means there’s going to be a rainbow.”

He was right. Almost as quickly as the words had left my mouth, I wished I could take them back. He probably forgot it minutes later, but I didn’t. In that moment I realised he wasn’t just hearing my words, he was learning how I met the world.

We spend so much of parenthood thinking about what we’re teaching our children: to be kind, to work hard, to keep trying. But I wonder whether the lessons they absorb most deeply are the ones we never consciously set out to teach.

The sigh that turns rain into an inconvenience. Whether we rush through a walk without looking up or stop to watch a snail crossing the path. Whether we meet the world with curiosity or simply move through it trying to get to the next thing.

Children arrive in the world already knowing how to notice. Somewhere along the way, many of us forget. Perhaps that’s one of the hidden costs of becoming busy adults. And yet curiosity, awe and wonder aren’t simply lovely parts of childhood. They’re conditions in which we flourish.

For years, I thought it was my job to create those moments for my children. Now I realise they don’t really need my help. If anything, I need theirs.

Parenting asks an extraordinary amount of us, yet so often we believe the answer is simply to try harder. After more than a decade as a wildlife journalist, I learnt that behaviour reflects conditions. Give an animal what it needs and different behaviours emerge. Looking back, I realised the same was true of people.

The version of ourselves our children need most isn’t created through effort alone. It’s supported by the conditions that help us flourish.

For almost all of human history, our brains and bodies developed in close relationship with the natural world. It’s hardly surprising that so many of us feel more like ourselves when we spend time there. Of course nature isn’t the only place we find those conditions, but it may be one of the oldest, and one our bodies still recognise.

These days, I’ve realised that whenever I stop noticing what my boys are pointing out, I’ve usually stopped noticing myself too. I’m rushing, thinking about tomorrow, trying to keep all the plates spinning. Meanwhile, they’re still looking for rainbows. But the truth is the world hasn’t become less beautiful. I’ve simply become less available to notice it, and when that happens, I become less available to meet my children too.

That realisation led me to ask a different question: What helps me become more like myself?

Because when I feel most like myself, I have more capacity to be the parent I want to be. For me, the answer almost always begins outside. Winter can make it tempting to retreat indoors, yet it may be when we need those small moments outside most.

Here are five simple ways to begin this season

1. Pause before you go inside

Before everyone rushes through the front door after school, stop for one minute.

Take a slow breath. Look up. Notice the colour of the sky. Feel the cold air on your face. Say it out loud.

It won’t change the day so far but if you let it, it can change how you arrive from there on out. I often tell my boys it’s never too late to start the day again, and this tiny pause gives us the space to do exactly that.

2. Let your child lead

If they want to stop to examine frost, a feather or a puddle, follow them.

Children have a remarkable ability for noticing what adults often overlook. In following their curiosity, we often rediscover the moments that restore our attention and help us become more available to ourselves and the people we love.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is borrow their curiosity instead of directing it.

3. Let winter become part of the adventure

Rain isn’t the thing that ruined the walk.

It’s the reason you’ll notice worms, reflections, mist and, if you’re lucky, rainbows. Winter strips the landscape back. Birds, bare branches and changing skies suddenly become easier to notice. Nature changes every day, winter simply asks us to notice different things.

4. Find your track

For me, it’s a daily five-minute walk to see what birds I can find. I find it pulls me out of my head and into the present moment.

For someone else it might be walking beneath the trees, tending a garden or watching the sunset.

We don’t all replenish ourselves in exactly the same way. Notice what helps you return to yourself, and make space for it as often as you can.

5. Build capacity before you need it

Most of us wait until we’re overwhelmed before we stop. But the best time to replenish ourselves isn’t after we’ve run out, it’s before.

The real power isn’t in doing these things once. It’s in returning to them often. Because capacity isn’t something we suddenly have when life gets hard. It’s something we build beforehand.

Over time, those small moments help me return to the version of myself I most want my children to know: a mother who notices, wonders and still believes rain might mean rainbows.

The rain carried on that afternoon and, just as my son predicted, a rainbow appeared.

Katie Stacey is a writer, former wildlife journalist and founder of The Wild Shift, a community helping mothers reconnect with themselves, their children and the natural world.

Find out more at www.thewildshift.com

Nov 05
Love0
child making things

The gift of extra time

By Education, environment, family, Forest School, Green
by Susan Luxford, Timeless Toys, Hove

Why older children need play more than ever

Summers have been dominated by two viral trends over the last couple of years – “kid rotting” and “feral child summer”. If those terms feel a little provocative, a more comfortable description might be “slow parenting summer”.

Whatever we call it, the idea behind the trend is the same – parents are recognising that children need more unstructured play. More time to themselves and less scheduled activities.

For previous generations, play was largely child-initiated and open-ended. Today, however, even play can become adult-directed, structured and over-scheduled. And there is growing awareness of what children may be losing when every hour has a purpose and the impact this is having on children’s physical, cognitive, social and emotional wellbeing.

But as the autumn chill arrives and thoughts turn towards Christmas, a different kind of parental pressure inevitably creeps in.

Our instinct can shift from allowing children to explore freely to helping them ‘grow up’. For children between six and eleven, in particular, the perceived need for age-appropriate, educational or technologically advanced gifts can quietly replace something they still desperately need – the freedom of play.

I hear it often: “That’s too young for you.” “That’s not for your age.” “They’re five – it will be too easy for them.” Or, perhaps most revealingly “Does it actually do anything?”

As adults, we tend to view toys through a rigid, logical lens. We want to understand what something is for. We look at the age, the instructions, the skills it develops and, increasingly, whether it ‘does’ something.

But children don’t necessarily see toys that way. The less a toy tells a child what to do, the more room there is for the child to decide.

There is also a very real fear among parents that their children will be left behind if they don’t have constant access to technology, or that we aren’t pushing them hard enough.

That anxiety can drive us towards toys with instructions to follow, skills to master and an obvious purpose that adults can understand.

But perhaps we need to ask a different question. Not, “What does this toy teach?” But, “What could my child imagine with it?”

The secret world of older play

When an older child plays, they are often processing life.

As school becomes more demanding and friendships become more complicated, children encounter social pressures and emotions that they are not always equipped to articulate. Play can provide a private, analogue space in which to explore those experiences safely.

This is where toys can become so much more than entertainment.

Take the beautifully crafted, whimsical world of Maileg, which we proudly stock. To an adult, a tiny linen mouse tucked into a matchbox bed might simply be a beautiful keepsake.

To a nine-year-old navigating the heart-breaking complexities of friendship groups, that mouse can become a confidante.

By arranging miniature furniture, creating scenes and acting out fictional arguments, exclusions or reconciliations between characters, a child can explore feelings that may be difficult to put into words. They can experiment with different outcomes, revisit situations and regain a sense of control over a world that can sometimes feel overwhelming or confusing.

It is imagination, storytelling and emotional processing – disguised as play.

And that need doesn’t disappear simply because a child is now six, seven or nine.

In fact, older children may need imaginative play precisely because their world is becoming more complicated.

Preserving the magic this christmas

The unhurried freedom of a ‘slow parenting summer’ doesn’t have to disappear when the seasons change.

We can preserve that independent, imaginative spirit through the winter months by giving older children something surprisingly simple – permission to keep playing.

This Christmas, perhaps we can resist the urge to ‘age up’ our children too quickly.

Rather than choosing gifts because they look impressive, complicated or technologically advanced, look for toys that offer narrative depth, tactile experiences and plenty of room for imagination.

Because growing up is inevitable.

Let’s give children the gift of extra time – time to imagine, time to create and, most importantly, time to simply be children who play.

Susan Luxford runs Timeless Toys 100 Portland Road, Hove. @timelesstoysUK

This lovely shop is open from 10am to 5pm Tuesday to Saturday. Please feel free to pop in to the shop or visit www.timeless-toys.co.uk

Nov 01
Love0
Dorset House

Why flexible educational support matters more than ever

By family, Relationships, special educational needs
by Michelle Catterson, Executive Head, Moon Hall Schools Educational Trust

The school run can be deceptive; from the outside it often looks as though every and another day of learning gets underway. Yet behind those gates are thousands of children experiencing education very differently.

Some arrive already exhausted from the effort it took to get there. Some are managing anxiety that others cannot see. Some are bright, capable young people whose needs are simply not being met by a traditional educational model. Others are attending part-time, struggling with attendance, or finding themselves increasingly disconnected from learning despite everyone’s best intentions.

For their parents, the challenge can feel both deeply personal and surprisingly lonely.

At Moon Hall, we speak to families every week who tell us a similar story. Their child is intelligent, capable and wants to succeed. But somewhere between potential and participation, something has become difficult.

The conversation around education often focuses on destinations: exam results, qualifications, university places and career pathways. What receives less attention is the journey itself and the growing number of children who need a different route to reach those destinations. The reality is that educational needs are becoming increasingly diverse.

Schools across Surrey and Sussex are working incredibly hard to support children with a broader range of needs than ever before. At the same time, many families are searching for meaningful support that sits somewhere between doing nothing and making a complete change of school.

Too often, specialist intervention becomes available only when challenges have escalated to a crisis point. Yet many children do not need a new educational placement, and they do not need to leave school entirely. What they need is targeted support, specialist teaching, greater flexibility and the chance to rebuild confidence before difficulties become entrenched.

Sometimes a child needs help navigating emotionally based school avoidance or they need specialist literacy intervention. Sometimes they require exam access arrangements, a quieter environment to learn in, or support to reconnect with education after a difficult period. Most importantly, they need to know that there is another way forward.

That belief sits at the heart of Moon Hall Connect.

Newly opened in Sussex (close to the Surrey and Sussex border), Moon Hall Connect has been created to provide flexible, specialist educational support for children and young people from primary age through to post-16.

Importantly, it is not a school – it has been designed to work alongside existing school placements and educational pathways, complementing the support already available rather than replacing it. Its purpose is not to take children away from education. Its purpose is to help them connect back into it.

Parents frequently tell us they spend countless hours researching options, advocating for support and trying to find services that truly understand their child. It can feel overwhelming, particularly when there is no obvious route to the help they need. Moon Hall Connect has been developed to help bridge that gap.

Through personalised programmes of support, children and young people will be able to access specialist provision for up to 18 hours per week, tailored around their individual needs and circumstances. For a primary-aged child, that might mean strengthening core literacy skills and developing confidence in learning. For a secondary-aged student, it may involve specialist intervention that enables them to remain engaged in education during a particularly challenging period. For post-16 learners, it could mean building the skills, qualifications and confidence needed to progress into further education, training or employment.

The common thread is that support is built around the individual rather than expecting the individual to fit a one-size-fits-all model.

Every child brings their own strengths, aspirations and challenges. When those differences are recognised and understood, remarkable things can happen; their confidence returns, attendance improves and anxiety reduces. Learning begins to feel achievable again.

Parents often tell us that the most powerful changes are not reflected in a report or assessment score. They are the moments when a child begins talking positively about school again or when they volunteer an answer in class or when they sit an exam believing they can succeed. When they start to see themselves not through the lens of difficulty, but through the lens of possibility.Those moments matter because education is about far more than academic outcomes alone – it really is about belonging and connection. All while ensuring that temporary challenges do not become permanent barriers.

Moon Hall Connect has been created in response to a clear and growing need across Surrey and Sussex. Families, schools and local authorities are all searching for solutions that are flexible, responsive and genuinely centred around young people.

The vision for Moon Hall Connect extends beyond individual pupils. Alongside specialist and flexible provision, the initiative will provide examination services and access arrangements, with future phases introducing therapeutic support, specialist assessments and a wider outreach programme for schools and communities.

The aim is simple: to create a network of support around children and young people, bringing together families, schools, specialists and local authorities to improve outcomes and expand opportunities. The name ‘Connect’ was chosen deliberately, as it reflects our belief that children thrive when they feel connected to learning, connected to their strengths and connected to the people who can help them succeed. It speaks to the partnerships that sit behind effective educational support and the importance of ensuring no family feels they are navigating challenges alone.

For every parent who has wondered whether there is another option, another layer of support or another route forward for their child, there should be. Education has never been about ensuring every child follows the same journey. It has always been about helping every child find their own.

And sometimes, the most important thing we can offer is a bridge between where a young person is today and where they are capable of being tomorrow.

To discover how Moon Hall Connect can support children and young people, and to explore the funding options available through schools, local authorities or private funding, please email connect@moonhall.co.uk

Nov 01
Love0
family

Children don’t need perfect parents – they need parents who put them first

By family, Legal, Relationships
by Yulia Osudina, Family Solicitor and Mediator, Surrey

Separation can turn family life upside down. As a family solicitor and mediator, I regularly meet parents who are worried about what separation will mean for their children. They ask, “Am I doing the right thing?” or “How can I make sure my child is OK?” Those concerns are natural.

Practical questions about homes, money, schooling and time with each parent can feel overwhelming, but what we need to remember isthat children do not experience separation in the way adults do. They may not understand the reasons behind it, the legal process or the financial pressures. What they often notice is that routines have changed, parents seem more upset or snappy, and the people they depend on may be living separately.

Children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who make their wellbeing the priority.

See it through their eyes

Before making a decision, it can help to pause and ask: How might this feel from my child’s point of view?

For example, a parent may feel frustrated when a handover is delayed or when arrangements have to change. A child may simply feel anxious that nobody has told them what is happening, or worried that a parent will be disappointed with them. Looking through a child’s eyes can change the focus from, “What feels fair to me?” to “What will help my child feel safe, loved and settled?”

That does not mean children should be asked to make adult decisions or choose between parents. They should not have the burden of deciding where they live or who they see. But their feelings, wishes and everyday needs should be heard and taken seriously in an age-appropriate way. Guidance for separating families stresses the importance of talking and actively listening to children, while keeping adult decisions with the adults.

Protecting children from adult conflict

One of the most important ways parents can put children first is to protect them from adult conflict.

Children should never feel they have to choose sides, carry messages, report back on the other parent’s home or comfort a parent about the separation. Even seemingly small comments can place a child in an uncomfortable position.

Instead of saying, “Tell your dad he needs to send the school uniform back,” communicate directly with the other parent by text, email or a co-parenting app. Rather than asking, “What did Mum say about me?”, try asking, “Did you have a nice time?” and allow your child to share as much or as little as they wish.

Parents do not have to agree about everything. Quite the opposite, children can benefit from seeing adults disagree respectfully and deal with practical issues away from them. They should be free to love both parents without feeling guilty for doing so.

Offer reassurance and routine

Children often need to hear the same reassurance more than once:

• “This is not your fault.”

• “We both love you.”

• “You will still be looked after.”

• “You do not have to fix this.”

• “You can talk to us about how you feel.”

It is also helpful to explain changes honestly, simply and in a way that suits the child’s age. Children are often less worried by change itself than by uncertainty about what will happen next.

Where possible, keep familiar routines in place: school, bedtime, clubs, friendships and ordinary family rituals. Predictability can provide reassurance when other parts of life feel unsettled.

Make time for connection

Parents do not need to arrange elaborate days out to make a child feel important. Instead, parents can try putting their phone away for as little as ten minutes (sometimes, there is so much to organise and do at home after work that more time simply feels overwhelming) and giving their child undivided attention. Engaging with their play, drawing together, playing a simple game they are interested in,baking simple cookies, going for a walk, reading a story or simply ask about their day – these are simple examples when children can feel prioritised.

For younger children in particular, play can be a way of expressing feelings they cannot easily put into words. They may say something important while building a den, drawing a picture or getting ready for bed. Parents could try asking:

• “What was the best bit of today?”

• “Was anything difficult?”

• “Did anything make you laugh?”

• “Is there anything you are worried about?”

• “Is there something you would like to be different?”

There is no need to force a serious conversation. The aim is to show your child that their feelings have somewhere safe to go.

Support the child’s relationship with both parents

Where it is safe and appropriate, children usually benefit from being supported to maintain a meaningful relationship with both parents.

This can include helping them make a card, allowing them to call or message the other parent, speaking respectfully about the other parent in front of them, and showing interest in the time they have spent together.

A child’s feelings about their other parent may be very different from yours. They may love and miss them, even when you are hurt or angry. Letting a child express that affection freely is not a betrayal of either parent; it is an important part of protecting their emotional wellbeing.

When parents need support

Putting children first does not mean ignoring your own needs. Separation is emotionally demanding, and parents may be managing grief, anxiety, financial worries or difficult communication with the other parent.

Seeking appropriate support can be one of the most child-focused things a parent does. That could mean talking to family or friends, accessing counselling, obtaining legal advice, or exploring mediation where it is safe and suitable.

Family mediation can offer parents a structured setting to discuss arrangements for children, practical matters and communication. The focus is not on deciding who is right, but on helping parents find workable arrangements that place their children’s needs at the centre.

When safety is a concern

Not every family situation is suitable for mediation. Domestic abuse, coercive control and other safety concerns require particularly careful consideration.

The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises that children can be victims of domestic abuse when they see, hear or experience its effects. In these circumstances, safety must always come first.

A proper assessment is essential before mediation is considered. In some situations, different arrangements, such as shuttle mediation or online meetings from separate locations (which can also be done via break out rooms so that both parents are not on the same screen), may be possible. In other cases, mediation may not be appropriate at all. No parent should feel pressured into a process that puts them or their children at risk.

Small things make a big difference

Children do not need parents who never feel upset, never make mistakes or always agree. They need to know they are loved, listened to and protected from adult problems. Often, putting a child first starts with something small: a calm handover, a reassuring conversation, a regular bedtime, a walk to the park or ten minutes of undivided attention.

It can help for parents to ask themselves: If I were my child, what would I need from the adults around me right now?

That question will not answer every practical or legal issue. But it can provide a valuable starting point for parents navigating one of the most difficult periods in family life.

Yulia Osudina runs YO Mediation offering family mediation for children and finances at any stage of family breakdown, providing tailored, cost-effective solutions outside court for British and international families. Appointments are available face-to-face in Epsom or online.

For further information please visit www.yomediation.com

Jul 03
Love0
love

Parenting Moving from protecting to equipping

By Childcare and Nannying, Early Years, Education, family, Mental health, Playing, Wellbeing
by Molly Potter, Children’s wellbeing expert

As parents/carers, we most commonly begin with a baby who depends on us for everything and needs our protection. At the other end of the parenting timeline, we hope to deliver an ‘effective adult’ into the world – someone we have equipped well to navigate it.

When you consider how much a child changes between these two stages, it makes obvious sense that our parenting will also need to change. However, being a parent is an extremely demanding role and it’s understandably difficult to find the time and motivation to continuously take stock and reflect upon our parenting. It can therefore be helpful to hold some ‘big picture’ awareness of what we might be trying to achieve on this journey.

As our children leave babyhood behind, our responsibility becomes helping them learn how to become increasingly self-reliant. We can discard the plug-socket protectors and playpens as our children start to learn what’s safe and what isn’t. We teach them basic skills, such as putting their shoes on, so they can do more for themselves. However, as this process unfolds, we might sometimes miss opportunities to stretch their self-reliance and understanding of the world even further.

For example, we might sometimes continue to do things they could learn to do but also overlook chances to let our children sort minor difficulties out for themselves. When our child is struggling with a situation, we might typically bombard them with solutions, dismiss the problem or sort everything out directly and immediately for them. We probably do this in the name of expediency or be responding automatically – unable to bear seeing our children suffer or struggle even a little (which, of course, comes from a place of love). However, it might seem counter-intuitive, but allowing our children to struggle, fail and mess up and then work through the situation for themselves, helps them prove to themselves that they can problem-solve, that they don’t always need someone else to fix things and that they can cope.

So, what can help us do this without feeling as though we have abandoned our children to a regime of far-too-uncomfortable tough-love? The answer lies partly in managing our own reactions. When a child has a problem that we don’t really need to become involved with (like falling out with a friend, struggling in a lesson at school or not being invited to something) we will understandably find it distressing to see them upset and want to put them out of their misery as quickly as possible. But if we’re going to be able to leave them to sort things out for themselves, we need to be fully convinced by the idea that developing self-reliance is ultimately really going to be beneficial in the long term as it reduces anxiety and boosts self-worth.

Once we have managed our own tendencies, how can we help in a ‘hands-off’ way that doesn’t leave us feeling as though we have completely abandoned our child? The key is to actively listen while they talk about their problem. Simply let them explore the issue while you attentively listen. Add in the odd “Hmm, yes… go on, I’m listening,” to encourage them to unpack and consider what they need to. Better still, try to identify the likely emotion behind what they are saying to help them feel truly seen and heard. Comments such as, “You sound as though you’re feeling misunderstood,” can encourage them to open up further and take a deeper dive into what’s bothering them. At worst, they will feel listened to; at best, they might arrive at a solution to their problem.

Another aspect of moving from protecting to equipping our children as they grow is about giving information. Books and stories can obviously help with this. As a parent though, it can be hard to know what information to give them and at what age, but quite often the things we deem inappropriate are linked to our instinct to protect our children from certain topics, when we might better be equipping them.

Take the ‘birds and the bees’ as an example. Without thinking, we might have a gut reaction that makes us want to shield our children from information relating to this topic. However, they are eventually going to be exposed to similar information from other sources (the internet, peers and wider community) that might not always be accurate or pleasant. Therefore, isn’t it better that we use suitable resources ourselves, giving opportunities to ask questions? In doing so, we equip our children with knowledge rather than simply trying to protect them from ever being exposed to it – which would be extremely difficult.

And we don’t have to stop at factual information. When we discuss topics such as friendships, emotions, worries, differences and consent with our children, it can be a deeply connecting experience and can give us delightful insights into their worlds. Exploring such topics helps them develop the necessary skills and positive values that will enable them to navigate life’s challenges more confidently. So while we might love the idea of our children remaining young and needing our protection forever, if we want them to become capable and self-reliant adults, we need to accept that equipping them to navigate and discern for themselves is fantastic parenting.

Molly Potter is a bestselling author of 35+ books for teachers, parents/carers and children covering a variety of topics under the broad umbrella term of ‘wellbeing’.

For further information please visit www.bloomsbury.com/uk/education

Jul 01
Love0
resilient children

How to raise more resilient children

By children's health, family, Mental health, play, Wellbeing
by Cheryl Donaldson, Licensed marriage and family therapist

As parents, we are raising children to navigate the unknown. The world today is nothing like the one we entered. Everything has shifted – tech, culture, education, work – and it will continue to shift in ways that we cannot predict despite our best efforts.

The question becomes: how do we prepare our children for a world we don’t yet understand?

In my 30+ years as a licensed marriage and family therapist, and in raising my own three children, I know that adult self-esteem is shaped in childhood. The small things we say to our children, and what we expose them to, have a profound and lasting impact on how they come to see themselves.

I define self-esteem as the internal confidence we have as individuals to tackle the unknown. That confidence is not built through belief alone; it is gained through incremental exposure to new and uncomfortable things.

With our children, this can begin in very small ways. It could be letting our child spend the night at their grandparents’ house, or letting them order for themselves at a restaurant. It’s bringing them into new social spaces where they have to learn to manage themselves in others’ presence. These moments may seem insignificant, but they compound internally during development. And as parents, we need to affirm them when they face challenges, even if it doesn’t go to plan. We can say things like, “I love how you navigated that situation!” or “That was so cool how you challenged yourself in that new environment.”

In our own family, we introduced this idea in both big and small ways. When my three boys were all under the age of five, my husband and I moved our family from Chicago to the Netherlands. It was a complete step into the unknown. They were suddenly immersed in a new language, a new culture and a completely different way of life. At every stage, we repeated the same message: you are capable.

That experience gave us, as a family, the opportunity to talk about differences, to stay curious rather than fearful, and to expand what felt familiar. At times, this was messy. It’s not always a perfect picture. That messiness is how you know you are putting them in new situations. If it were straightforward, then there would be nothing pushing them to learn new skills. Over time, I watched this shape how my children moved through the world. They became more adaptable and more open to engage with unfamiliar environments, while still staying connected to themselves.

We tend, as parents, to shelter our children from things that are different from them. When our child is struggling with something, we want to take that struggle away. This instinct comes from a loving place, but it often has the opposite effect. I once worked with a parent whose child became anxious if she was even a few minutes late for school pick-up. Her immediate instinct was to eliminate that anxiety. She would plan her whole day around not being late, stress about getting there, and over-apologise if she was late, as if it were a major mistake. That behaviour communicated to the child that his emotional response was valid and didn’t allow him to develop a new skill for coping with those difficult emotions.

Anxiety is our body’s way of communicating to us that we need a new skill. When we step in too quickly to remove that discomfort from our children, we prevent them from learning to tolerate it, manage it and move through it on their own. The more we solve our children’s problems, the more we communicate that they cannot solve them on their own.

This is not an argument for loose parenting. Our job as parents is to keep our children safe. They need structure to feel safe exploring that unknown territory. But there is a difference between protecting a child and preventing them from having experiences that help them grow. As parents, we need to cultivate intentional experiences that push them out of their comfort zones so they develop internal self-esteem and resilience. Again, this process can be messy. But it’s so important for the long-term growth of that child.

Adversity is something we do not want to remove from our children’s lives. It is that adversity that will produce the circumstances for them to grow. As parents, we have to decide how we are going to define adversity. In my practice, I’ve seen a child not being invited to a party, for example, quickly become catastrophic. Not because of the event itself, but because of how the parents interpret and react to it. Children absorb our reactions. If we respond with panic or distress to minor adversities, we reinforce the negative experience. If we respond with calm and perspective, they learn that they can move through it.

In many ways, we are helping our children create a story about what challenge means. Is it something to avoid, or something to move through? When we begin to frame challenges as something they are capable of handling, rather than something to fear, we lay the groundwork for something incredibly important: flexibility.

Flexibility is the ability to say, whatever situation is given to me, I am going to make the best of it. It is what allows a child to navigate not making a team, struggling in school, or facing disappointment without losing their sense of self. It is also what allows them, later in life, to adapt to careers, relationships and environments that do not go according to plan.

We are not raising children for a predictable world. We are raising them for an unknown one. And in that world, it will not be their environment that determines how they fare, but their internal capacity to meet it and thrive despite what comes their way.

Cheryl Donaldson is a licensed marriage and family therapist who works with individuals, families and organisations to build systemic self-esteem. Her cross-border private practice and consultancy firm is based in Charleston, South Carolina and London. For more information on her work please visit www.cheryldonaldsonlmft.com

Jul 01
Love0
sunny girl

“The sun has got his hat on…”

By baby health, children's health, family, fun for children, Safety, Summer, sun safety
by Dr. Kasim Usmani, Dr Kas Clinics

As parents, most of us have had that moment. You are halfway out the door, already late, one child is refusing shoes, another is asking for snacks they definitely did not want five minutes ago – and somewhere in the chaos, you are trying to apply sunscreen to a wriggling child who seems personally offended by the entire process.

As both a doctor and a parent to a toddler myself, I can confidently say that sunscreen application is rarely the calm, picture-perfect moment it’s made out to be. More often, it is a rushed patchwork effort done in the hallway while negotiating about hats and chasing tiny feet around the house.

And honestly –  that is exactly why so many families unintentionally get sun protection wrong.

When we think about protecting children from the sun, many of us still associate it with beach holidays abroad or the occasional UK heat wave. But one of the biggest misconceptions I see – both in clinic and among friends with children – is the idea that sunscreen only matters when it is ‘really hot.’

In reality, UV rays are present even on cloudy days, particularly during spring and summer in the UK. You may not feel heat on your skin, but UV exposure is still happening. British weather can be wonderfully deceptive like that. I think many parents assume if the sun is hiding behind clouds, we are probably safe to skip the SPF. Most of the time, we are not.

Children’s skin is naturally thinner and more delicate than adult skin, which means it burns more easily. And whilst nobody wants to catastrophise sunshine – children absolutely should be outdoors, playing, exploring and enjoying themselves – we do know that repeated sunburn in childhood contributes to long-term skin damage later in life.

The reassuring part is that good sun protection does not have to mean perfection. It is usually the small, consistent habits that make the biggest difference.

One thing that surprises parents is how much sunscreen children actually need. Most of us simply are not applying enough. Studies consistently show that people typically apply only a quarter to half of the amount needed to achieve the SPF written on the bottle. So that SPF 50 you carefully bought may not truly be giving SPF 50 protection in real life.

And I completely understand why. When your toddler is trying to sprint naked into the garden before you have even managed one arm, the temptation to do a quick swipe across the cheeks and hope for the best is very real.

But sunscreen needs to be applied generously. I often tell parents that if it feels like you have used ‘quite a lot,’ you are probably finally close to the correct amount. We tend to rub products in too thinly, particularly on children because we are trying to get it done quickly before they lose patience entirely.

The areas parents miss are almost always the same: ears, the back of the neck, tops of feet, hands and around the hairline. Ironically, these are also the places most likely to catch the sun. And then there is the classic ‘one-and-done’ approach – applying sunscreen once in the morning and assuming that is enough for the entire day. In reality, sunscreen should ideally be reapplied every two hours, particularly after swimming, sweating or towel drying.

Parents also ask me constantly whether SPF 30 is ‘good enough,’ or whether children should always wear SPF 50.

Scientifically, both provide excellent protection when used properly. SPF 30 blocks approximately 97% of UVB rays, while SPF 50 blocks around 98%. The difference sounds surprisingly small because technically, it is. But in real-world parenting – where nobody applies sunscreen perfectly and children wipe half of it off within minutes – SPF 50 gives us a little more room for error. For younger children or those with fair or sensitive skin, I generally recommend SPF 50 for that reason.

One topic that has become increasingly common among parents is concern over sunscreen ingredients. I hear this a lot in clinic and from fellow parents: “Are there harmful chemicals in SPF?” or “Is sunscreen actually safe for children?”

I think social media has fuelled a lot of anxiety around this topic, often without proper context. The reality is that approved sunscreens sold in the UK and Europe go through extensive safety testing. Some chemical UV filters have been questioned online because tiny amounts can be absorbed into the bloodstream, but importantly, absorption does not automatically mean harm. At present, there is no robust evidence showing approved sunscreen ingredients are dangerous when used as intended.

In medicine, we always weigh risk against benefit. And the evidence we do have linking UV damage and sunburn to skin cancer and premature skin ageing is extremely strong.

That said, I completely understand why some parents prefer more gentle formulations for young children. If ingredient concerns are worrying you, mineral sunscreens – often containing zinc oxide or titanium dioxide – can be a great option. These sit on top of the skin and physically reflect UV rays rather than absorbing them. They are often well tolerated by sensitive or eczema-prone skin too.

But I would gently caution parents against becoming so frightened of sunscreen ingredients that they stop using SPF altogether. In my opinion, that is where misinformation can become genuinely unhelpful.

I also think parents can feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of sunscreen options available now. Mineral, chemical, lotions, sprays, sticks, sensitive formulas – it can feel like choosing a mortgage. My advice is always refreshingly simple: the best sunscreen is the one your child will tolerate and the one you will realistically use consistently.

If your child screams every time you bring out a thick white cream but happily accepts a lightweight spray, use the spray. If a stick sunscreen helps you quickly cover cheeks and noses during a park trip, brilliant. Parenting is hard enough without chasing some imaginary ‘perfect’ sunscreen routine.

For busy families, practical habits tend to work best. Keep sunscreen by the front door or in the changing bag so it becomes part of leaving the house rather than an afterthought. Apply it before clothes go on where possible – particularly with younger children, because once shoes are on, cooperation usually disappears. Hats, sunglasses, shaded play and lightweight clothing all help too, and often provide more reliable protection than sunscreen alone.

Most importantly, I think we need to remove some of the guilt surrounding this topic. No parent gets it right every single day. I certainly do not. There are mornings I forget the hat, afternoons I realise I missed the tops of the feet, and days where the whole thing feels unnecessarily chaotic.

But children do not need perfect parents. They need consistent habits, realistic routines and adults who are trying their best.

And perhaps the most powerful thing of all is that our children are watching us. When they see us applying SPF, wearing sunglasses or seeking shade on very sunny days, those behaviours quietly become normal to them too.

Sun safety should not feel frightening or complicated. It is simply one small part of caring for our children – woven into the wonderfully imperfect reality of family life.

For further information from Dr. Kasim Usmani, owner of private medical and aesthetics clinics, Dr Kas Clinics based in Surrey, please visit www.drkasim.co.uk

Mar 20
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jumping children

Parents feel unprepared to keep their child healthy

By children's health, Education, Exercise, family, Food & Eating, Health, Wellbeing

Families across England are being left to shoulder growing responsibility for their children’s health as the NHS struggles to cope – often without the preparation, support or trusted advice they need, according to a major new report from IPPR*.

The report says the dual crises of mental health and obesity issues among children have been allowed to flourish as parents have been left at the behest of patchy NHS services that are hard to access.

A survey of over 1,500 parents found that:
• 32% never attended an antenatal class
• 31% do not feel prepared to look after their children’s health
• 19% find it difficult to access professional help for their child’s health when they need it.

The least financially comfortable parents faced particular challenges, as the most well off can often buy their way to better outcomes, while the poorest face the greatest barriers to support.

For example, 81% of the most financially comfortable parents say they can easily access professional help for their child, compared to just 37% of the least financially secure.

When parents do access care, many describe the experience as rushed or judgmental – leaving them feeling unsupported in navigating the realities of parenthood. As waiting times grow, families say they are increasingly turning to private care, DIY solutions or simply hoping problems resolve on their own.

Inconsistent or insufficient advice is pushing many parents to online spaces. The vast majority (85%) told IPPR they “learn as they go”, often piecing together advice from the internet and risking misinformation, overload and anxiety.

IPPR argues that children’s health has stalled because successive governments have been reluctant to talk about parenting – wary of appearing to interfere or blame families.

Parents feel both highly responsible and highly capable of shaping their child’s health. At the same time, parents say they cannot do it alone. IPPR says ministers must stand alongside parents – taking bolder, clearer action on the forces only government can confront. The think tank recommends:
• Universal parenting education before and for a year after birth, delivered on an opt-out basis.
• Government action to make healthy choices the easy choice – improving healthy food affordability, closing junk-food marketing loopholes, tackling tech harms and expanding free offline activities.
• More proactive, easy-to-find community support, reaching parents early, connecting families with one another and offering practical help while they wait for specialist care.

Amy Gandon, associate fellow at IPPR and former senior official on children’s health said: “Families are being left to fend for themselves as the NHS is struggling to support parents. Successive governments have shied away from engaging directly with parents – but in reality they are – and will always be – the backbone of children’s healthcare. If we want a more preventative, community-based NHS, we must start by backing parents with the support, guidance and environment they need to keep their children healthy.”

Sebastian Rees, Head of Health at IPPR said: “Too many parents feel unprepared when it comes to keeping their children healthy. Families shouldn’t have to piece together advice online or pay privately to get the support they need. We need a system that supports parents from the start, not one that leaves them to go it alone. Only then will we lay the foundations for building the healthiest ever generation of children.”

* IPPR is an independent charity working towards a fairer, greener and more prosperous society.

We make today’s bold ideas tomorrow’s common sense.
www.ippr.org

 

Mar 15
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angry father

When the volume goes up, connection goes down

By Childcare and Nannying, family, Mental health, Relationships
by Giulia Galli
Parental Coach

How our words and our tone become their inner voice

Lately, I’ve been noticing a sound that cuts through everyday life – not laughter from the playground or the hum of conversation drifting from kitchens, but shouting. Not the occasional raised voice that slips out in frustration, but the repeated, sharp, heavy kind.

Sometimes it’s siblings snapping at each other. Sometimes it’s teenagers slamming back at parents. And often, it’s parents themselves, shouting at toddlers, at primary-age children, even at babies not yet walking.

One mother’s voice has stayed with me. Every time her one-year-old knocks something over or spills his food, her response is the same: loud, harsh, full of judgement. Every fall of a toy, every food-splattered shirt, every curious gesture that leaves a mark is met with anger. He’s only one. Just one.

And yet, what he is learning isn’t just how objects fall or how sounds are made: it’s what power feels like. What anger sounds like. What happens when you do something ‘wrong’. What it means to be small in a world where big voices rule.

Let’s be clear – this isn’t about shaming parents. We’ve all raised our voices. I have, too. Shouting happens. Sometimes we’re exhausted, sometimes we’re overstimulated, sometimes we’re carrying far more than our nervous system can handle. And many of us grew up with shouting ourselves, so it became the norm.

But here’s the truth – shouting doesn’t teach reflection. It teaches fear. It doesn’t create understanding. It creates compliance. And in children, especially very young ones, it doesn’t build confidence. It builds shame.

Think about it – when a toddler spills water, shouting doesn’t teach them how to hold the cup better next time. It teaches them that trying is dangerous. When a child touches something fragile, a loud scolding doesn’t teach caution, it teaches that curiosity isn’t safe. When a child is overwhelmed and cries, shouting doesn’t teach them how to regulate their feelings, it teaches them that big emotions aren’t allowed.

This is the danger of repeated shouting: it turns moments of behaviour into a story about identity.

“I dropped something” becomes “I’m clumsy.” “I was curious” becomes “I’m annoying.” “I was upset” becomes “I’m too much.”

Those stories stick. And they echo long after the moment has passed.

The irony is that shouting might get us what we want in the moment – it might stop the behaviour. But the cost is disconnection. We silence. We scare. We disconnect. And in that silence, children don’t learn what to do differently. They just learn to feel small.

So what’s the alternative? First, awareness. Notice when the urge to shout rises. Often, it’s not the behaviour itself that pushes us over the edge, but the meaning we attach to it: “He’s doing this on purpose.” “She never listens.” “I can’t take this anymore.” That story is what fuels the reaction.

Second, pause. Parenting gives us endless opportunities to reset. Even a few seconds can change everything. Lower your voice instead of raising it. Name your own feeling: “I’m getting frustrated.” Ask for help: “Let’s take a minute to calm down.” Step out of the room for three breaths before you respond. Replace “What’s wrong with you?” with “Let’s try again.”

Small shifts like these model something powerful. They show children that mistakes are part of learning. That emotions can be managed without force. That connection matters more than control.

Because children aren’t just learning from our instructions. They’re absorbing our example. The words and the tone we use today becomes the inner voice they’ll carry tomorrow.

Think back to your own childhood. The voices you heard most often probably still echo in your head. They may tell you to “be careful,” to “try harder,” or perhaps to “quiet down.” Those phrases, spoken in particular tones, become part of who we are. And now, as parents, we are shaping that voice for our children.

That’s why shouting is more than just noise. It’s a message. And if repeated, it becomes a belief.

This isn’t about never shouting again. None of us are perfect. It’s about noticing, repairing and choosing differently when we can. Even after we’ve raised our voice, we can come back and say, “I shouldn’t have shouted. I was tired and frustrated. Let’s try again.” That moment of repair doesn’t erase what happened, but it teaches accountability. It shows children that mistakes can be mended.

One day, our children will be grown. They may not remember every word we said. But they will remember how it felt to be with us. Was the home a place where mistakes were punished or explored? Where curiosity was stifled or encouraged? Where fear entered the room with us or safety did?

When the volume goes up, connection goes down. But when we choose calm, patience and presence instead, we give our children something far more lasting than obedience: we give them an inner voice that supports them for life.

Giulia Galli is a parental coach and author of When a Parent is Born. She supports families with intentional parenting. For further information please visit www.reegal.co.uk

Mar 05
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cuddles

The compassionate parenting revolution- How a new parenting approach is transforming family life

By Childcare and Nannying, family, Special support needs
by Dr Jennifer Swanston
Clinical Psychologist and co-author of the Compassionate Parenting Workbook

Parenting has never been simple, but in today’s fast paced, emotionally demanding world, many parents tell me they feel stretched thin. They worry about losing their temper, about saying the wrong thing, or about whether a difficult moment has somehow damaged their connection with their child. These concerns are far more common than most people realise – read on to find out why compassion focused parenting can be transformational.

What compassion focused parenting really means
Compassion focused parenting is not about being endlessly soft or permissive. It’s an approach that blends evidence based knowledge, warmth, emotional awareness and practical strategies to help families thrive. At its heart, it teaches parents how to stay grounded, connected and confident – even when emotions run high.

This approach rests on some core pillars, each supported by decades of psychological research:
1. Self compassion
Parents often speak to themselves far more harshly than they would ever speak to their children. Learning to notice stress, soften self-criticism, and respond with kindness helps parents stay steady in difficult moments.

2. Emotional regulation
When a child’s behaviour triggers our fight or flight system, it becomes almost impossible to respond thoughtfully. Compassion focused parenting teaches parents how to calm their own nervous system first, so they can guide their child from a place of clarity rather than from being overwhelmed.

3. Creating safety and secure attachment
Children thrive when they feel understood. When parents model calmness and empathy, children learn to trust, communicate openly and regulate their own emotions more effectively.

4. Not ‘one size fits all’
We understand that all children are different and that some approaches work for some children and not for others. Compassionate parenting supports parents to really consider which strategy will be helpful for their own unique child, rather than ‘one size fits all’. This is particularly important when you have a child who is neurodivergent or has additional needs.

Together, these elements reduce power struggles, strengthen communication and support children’s long term emotional wellbeing.

What it looks like in real life
Imagine your child is having a meltdown or becoming upset and frustrated at a party when you are about to leave. Instead of reacting with frustration, compassion focused parenting encourages a five step process:
• Pause and ground yourself – a breath, a moment, a reminder that this is hard but manageable.
• Name and validate – “Leaving is tough, and you’re feeling upset.”
• Soothe before you solve – connection first, instructions later. For example, trying to use a warm tone of voice, even during tricky moments.
• Collaborate – offering a gentle, structured next step once emotions settle. This may be giving some simple choices or playful suggestions which can help break the tension and move forward. For example: “We need to leave. Shall we say goodbye now or would you like me to message when we get home?” or “Do you want to hop like a bunny or stomp like a dinosaur to the door?”.
• Reflection – in the hours and days afterwards, consider whether you may need to approach parties differently in the future or plan with your child how to manage the feelings associated with leaving.

This isn’t about letting children “get away with” anything. It’s about helping them move from panic to calm so they can actually take in what you’re saying.

Why it helps children with big feelings
Compassion focused parenting can be especially helpful for children who experience anxiety or strong emotional reactions, as well as those who are neurodivergent.

• For anxious children, we can encourage them to engage in slow breathing, grounding exercises and gentle reassurance to help settle their nervous system and show them they are safe.
• For children with ADHD: Movement breaks, shorter conversations and playful calming strategies can make it easier for them to stay regulated and connected.

The goal is always the same: helping your child feel understood, valued, and supported.

“Will being kind make my child spoiled?”
This is one of the most common worries parents share. But research shows that harsh or fear based approaches may stop behaviour in the moment, yet they can increase aggression, anxiety and long term emotional difficulties.

Compassionate parenting is not about being soft or giving in. It’s about combining warmth with wisdom – offering empathy while still guiding your child toward healthy boundaries and choices.

What if I feel I’ve already got it wrong?
Every parent has moments they regret. The good news is that relationships can be repaired. Honest conversations, small gestures of connection and consistent warmth help rebuild trust over time.

Children don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who keep trying.

For more information on how to tailor this approach to your unique child, The Compassionate Parenting Workbook’ provides a simple and friendly structure for you to use.

Dr Jennifer Swanston is a Clinical Psychologist and co-author of the Compassionate Parenting Workbook and also director at White Oaks, Chobham. For further information please visit www.whiteoaks.org.ok

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