Mental health Archives - Page 4 of 11

Feb 21

Why do we seek to love and be loved?

By Iain Boyle Health, Mental health, Relationships

by John D. Bieber
Author of Am I Loved? The Most Asked Question Of All Time

Aspirations of love and of being loved are the constant waking schemes and sleeping dreams of all humankind. Indeed, acting like a barometer for our mental health, the satisfaction or otherwise of our need to be loved is paramount for our wellbeing. Exploring the undeniable fact that as the world’s only emotional beings, it is truly astonishing that we function through emotions that we do not remotely understand or control. Our emotions exist not to benefit us but to safeguard our genes, protecting the life within us. We spend our lives intent on surviving when fulfilment comes from loving and being loved. Nature’s protections serve to liberate us yet we allow them to inhibit our lives without realising that the majority of our many emotional problems are solvable simply by a proper understanding of the human condition. The most asked question of all time is: Am I Loved?

Why do we breathe and why do we need to eat and drink? That is how we are made. We couldn’t survive in any other way. And that is also the case with love.

As human beings we have two special gifts from nature not given so generously to the rest of creation: our emotions and our capacity to love. They stand at the very core of our survival which makes our subject all the more worthwhile, indeed almost tender because as we consider love we are dealing with fallible, loveable, needy and vulnerable human beings just like you and just like me. We are all irrevocably the same.

Remember that love is nature’s gift to us and it will be no surprise that the pursuit of love is a passion, a game, in which practically every individual will participate , if not on a daily basis, then at least at some stage in their lives. Loving is a huge human need but nature has ordained that being loved is by far the greatest human need of all. We never tire of trying to satisfy it.

Love is the only voluntary emotion we have; that is one we can choose to give or withhold. Love looks out for the dangers we must avoid to survive. Love is another pair of eyes and ears, a source of care, a wise and experienced hand to avoid risk, and love is a source of happiness too, the most necessary gift to humankind. When you are loved you find protection and fulfilment in the emotions of others.

To put it simply, love is our predominant desire and our predominant need. Reducing life to its essential parts, stripping out the hosts of feelings that confront and confuse us every minute of every day, love is the single greatest force that influences and propels the course of all human experience. It is love that truly distinguishes us from other animals; it is love that makes life possible; indeed it is love that makes life liveable and worthwhile.

And what is love? Love is like an elephant: you know it when you see it, even, or especially, when it is gone. But can love be defined? I think it can. In fact it comes down to something very simple, namely, the gauging and supply of another’s needs. That is all it is.

It is a binding that contains us all, the glue that holds us together, the care, the security we crave for, the supply of our personal needs.

We give love and we receive it. But really we trade it. We wish to love but, above all, we wish to be loved and in many instances that single desire will be greater than our personal desire to give love.

Being loved, feeling loved, is the real and actual key to the age-old question: what makes people happy? As Steven Pinker writes in ‘How the Mind Works’, “The study of happiness often sounds like a sermon for traditional values. The numbers show it is not the rich, privileged, robust or good-looking who are happy: it is those who have spouses, friends, religion and challenging work.” In short, all individuals whose relationships endow them with the potential to love and be loved.

We give love to find love. When we feel loved, we feel both protection and fulfilment in the emotions of others. That need, that essential dependence on others when we consider ourselves strong and self-sufficient, exists whether or not we are aware of it, can speak of love, have difficulty in finding it or spend our lives in search of it. All of us need to be loved, even when we persuade ourselves that we don’t or appear to be unlovable.

Being loved, feeling loved, is the greatest prize of our existence. It is the only way we can satisfy our need to be happy and whole and at one with our nature, crucially bringing added security to our genes through the loving concern of others.

And so the sight or sound of another human being becomes the most physically arousing thing that a human being can see or hear. Such is the potential of love, going not just to our heart but to the very heart of our being, the constant need for which provides us with our tenderest feelings, our romantic spirits, our passionate ways and a lifelong spur to go on always propelled by our great need to be loved.

And what of our need to be loved? It’s really just a call for someone to love us.

Am I Loved? The Most Asked Question Of All Time by John D. Bieber published by Umbria Press is available now in hardback and eBook in all good bookshops and online.
www.johndbieber.co.uk

Feb 15

Love0

The benefits of bonding with animals for children’s emotional development

By Iain Boyle Education, environment, Family Farms, fun for children, Gardening, Green, Mental health

by Nicola Henderson
Godstone Farm

For many of us, our first friends in life might be a sibling or cousins, but more often than not, it is a furry friend in the form of a family pet. A dog, cat or even a pet fish can teach children so much about caring for others, helping young children learn to express empathy for another soul and understanding the responsibilities required to look after an animal. This is the core principle behind the ethos of many family farm attractions across the UK and accounts for the demand from parents for their children to attend farm-based nurseries and preschools too.

Typically, farm parks and farm-based nurseries are an ideal way for children to learn about how to care for a huge variety of animals – quite literally ‘all creatures great and small’ in a safe way. Many childcare experts have extolled the benefits of sensory play, but in many respects, learning to interact with animals is the original sensory play. For young children who are interested in, and emotionally invested in animals, it can also be a highly effective learning ‘tool’. Utilising things that drive learning and follow a child’s interests can really fast-track a child’s learning and can be much more effective than a prescribed curriculum.

Today, a number of family farm attractions now offer one-to-one hands-on animal experiences from goat herding to meerkat feeding, to help small children learn about the needs of animals, whilst farm based nurseries make daily visits to the animals’ pens, ponds, sties or hutches. Animal encounters are a fantastic way to provoke all-important curiosity, and illicit conversations about a variety of scenarios and new vocabulary to small children. When it comes to emotional development especially, the role of animals positively correlates with feelings of importance, social competence, and self-esteem. When children learn to care for animals they also learn that treating them nicely and patiently is an invaluable experience in learning to treat people the same way. Animals teach kids about patience and self-control, animals don’t always behave the way we want them to be. Animals can get over excited, scared and bite or peck but learning how to deal with these behaviours teaches children to be patient and have self-control. Children learn to have soft but firm voices and how to be gentle and careful. Animals have proved to be incredibly therapeutic for the children and can reduce stress and anxiety. It’s also recognised that animals give children an understanding of our natural world and how we can look after it. Looking after wildlife’s habitats such as building hedgehog houses or bug hotels, supports complementary discussion about recycling and being resourceful.

Animals also provide children with lessons about life (reproduction, birth, illnesses, accidents, death, and bereavement). Children have the opportunity to see lambs being born and eggs hatching. Animals provide knowledge in biology. When children spend time around the different animals they begin to understand basic biology and how that translates between animal species. Activities like grooming animals and feeding them, understanding what they eat and how food is digested, develops children’s knowledge and of course, children love discussing poo!

Indeed, ask any farmer and they will tell you that they are always busy! Animals create a constant stream of jobs; day in day out, there is something to be done. Rain or shine, from season to season, dawn until dusk, there are animal caring tasks which children can get involved in. With the support of experienced enthusiastic practitioners, children are often excited and look forward to new and alternative experiences that come from time spent with farm animals.

Obviously, a key part of any animal experience is to ensure children feel secure and confident. A cheeky piglet or an inquisitive pony can create opportunities for children to challenge themselves and experience careful risk taking in a positive way. A landmark study by Williams-Siegfredsen (2011) believed that, if children were not exposed to risk, they were denied the opportunity to learn to address everyday challenges and problems. Moreover, the Health and Safety Executive argued that ‘the goal is not to eliminate risk, but to weigh up the risks and benefits. No child will learn about risk if they are wrapped in cotton wool!’ (HSE, 2012, p.1).

Risky play is seen as an important element in animal experiences and naturally, animals can sometimes be unpredictable. In this instance, young children learn about keeping safe when handling and feeding and are taught about infection control measures, how to use equipment safely such as closing gates, how to brush a horse or move around animals safely. As evidenced from a number of Early Years studies, children need personal contact with real animate people and creatures before play can become rich and satisfying (White, 2011).

Godstone Farm in Surrey offers a wider range of animal experiences allowing children (and adults) the chance to go behind the scenes and experience the many benefits of animal contact. www.godstonefarm.co.uk

Feb 14

Love0

Parenting hacks no one tells you

By Iain Boyle Childcare and Nannying, family, fun for children, Mental health, Relationships

by Richard Templar
author of ‘The Rules of…’ series.

Being a parent is always going to be tricky at times, and while there’s no magic wand to make it run smoothly all the time, there are strategies that will help make it easier and more enjoyable. I’m not talking about tips and hints for potty training or getting them to sleep, useful as some of those can be. I’m talking about mindsets that will help frame your attitude to the whole parenting thing, in ways that make your life – and the kids’ lives – easier.

Do not be afraid of a bit of boredom
There can be pressure nowadays to run your kids around to countless after-school and weekend activities – football, swimming, drama, martial arts, dance, music classes and sessions. It keeps them busy, and boy does it keep you busy. However, the best thing for kids to do with their free time is nothing at all. That’s because it frees up their imagination and encourages real creativity. It’s actually better for the kids to run around together with sticks making up games, or look under stones in the park for insects, than to be organised by someone else. Being bored is the best stimulus the imagination can have, and most kids – especially if you can get them together with siblings or other kids – won’t stay bored for long. Our kids are going to grow up into a world where creativity and imagination are hugely valued, yet they risk having had less chance to cultivate it than previous generations. So give them a head start by incorporating loads of empty time into their week. That’s not to say all extra-curricular activities are a bad thing – they can be great – but while your kids are young a couple of sessions a week is plenty, and it’s healthier for them to fill the rest of their time themselves, while you settle down with a cuppa.

Sibling squabbling is healthy
I mentioned siblings back there, and if you have more than one child you’ll probably have experienced your share of sibling squabbles. So know this: squabbling is really healthy. It’s better than not squabbling. Yes I know it doesn’t always feel that way, and sometimes less is more, but next time you hear the kids bickering or fighting, smile and tell yourself it’s a good thing. Why? Because until you squabble, you can’t learn how to resolve an argument. Your kids are learning how far they can push someone, what helps get the other person on their side, how to control their anger, what works and what doesn’t – and all with someone who can’t just walk off and say “I’m not your friend any more.” Most of the world’s best diplomats grew up with siblings. So appreciate the squabbles despite everything and, above all, don’t impose solutions on them – make them find their own. You know the sort of thing: “I’m taking it away until you both/all come and tell me how you’re going to play with it without arguing.”

Lead by example
A good friend once asked me, “How do I get my kids to understand do what I say, not what I do?” The answer is very simple: you can’t. You have to set the example and if you can’t do it, why would you expect a child to be able to? Especially when the person they most love and respect isn’t doing it. So, if your child forgets their pleases and thank yous, or is always interrupting, or shouts at you a lot, it’s worth checking your own behaviour. I’m not saying it’s always down to you – lots of kids go through these phases without any help – but if your record isn’t a hundred percent, you’ll improve their behaviour much faster if you can change your own. And it’s surprising how many parents give their kids instructions without a please, or forget to say thank you to them. It’s understandable in the hustle and bustle of parenting, but you’re making your own job harder than it needs to be.

Healthy parenting – not perfect parenting rules of everything
And finally, always remember that you shouldn’t even try to be perfect. Can you imagine what a burden it would put on kids to have perfect parents? Parents who were always right, who gave you nothing to kick against? Who couldn’t model how to apologise for mistakes because they never made them – or how to make up after an argument because they never argued? A perfect parent gives their child no clue how to be human, how to be flawed and imperfect but accept themselves as they are. If you can be a bit forgetful, or short-tempered, or neurotic, brilliant! That’s just what your kids need to see – that normal healthy adults can function perfectly well, and have great relationships, without having to be entirely prefect in every way. So next time you think you’ve messed up, don’t berate yourself. Just think, “Phew! I’ve dodged being perfect!”

Richard Templar is the author of the global best-selling ‘The Rules of…’ series. The Rules of Everything is published by Pearson, priced at £12.99, and is available from Amazon and all good book stores.

Nov 30

Love0

Helping children to manage worry and challenge unhelpful thinking

By Iain Boyle Education, Health, Mental health, special educational needs

by Gosia Bowling
National Lead for Mental Health at Nuffield Health

With almost half of parents expressing fears that the pandemic has impacted their children’s mental health, how exactly can concerned caregivers reach out and support children in managing unhelpful thinking?

The value of listening
Conversations around emotional wellbeing are difficult for anyone, let alone children – who worry they’ll be viewed differently if they admit to experiencing negative thoughts.

So, they must be handled sensitively, at the right moment. For example, instead of sitting down for a formal chat, gently introduce questions while engaging in other activities or games.

Listening is then key. We often feel the need to interrogate or offer advice but remember to take a step back – it is important that this is their time to talk and our time to listen.

Focus on ‘reflective listening’ – the skill of letting the speaker know they’re being understood without shifting the focus away from the content of their speech.

This may include echoing feelings back to them, for example, “you’re worried that exams will be harder this year”, without attempting to offer a personal perspective or solution.

This shows the child you aren’t looking for a quick-fix or trivialising their feelings but deeply understanding and validating their worries.

Normalise feelings
The reason many individuals feel reluctant to speak or seek help is that they believe they are alone in their experiences. That their thoughts and experiences are unique and therefore no one can support them.

This often manifests in expressions like “you must think I’m crazy” or “do you think differently of me now?” and stresses the importance of normalising feelings of distress.

Once children learn their experiences are not only common but expected, they are more open to exploring them – taking comfort in the knowledge that those around them have experienced the same emotions and learned how to manage them.

The process of normalisation may start with phrases of agreement, like “I would be stressed too if I were in your situation” before moving towards reassurance, such as “these feelings are common’” and “every other child will be anxious about moving classes, too”.

Embrace support
Caregivers should remember they can’t be expected to have all the answers. There is truth to the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ and there is no shame in welcoming support from the community.

This may include family, friends and even those in positions of responsibility like teachers or sports coaches.

Caregivers can confide in others without breaking the trust or confidentiality of the child. For example, the content of direct conversations doesn’t need to be relayed and it could be as simple as stating you’ve noticed the child isn’t as chatty or active as usual recently.

Making others aware of the challenges facing the child increases the opportunities for someone to ask questions, open a dialogue and share how they’ve coped with similar experiences in their life.

This support may also come in the form of formal tools and education. Caregivers are encouraged to learn about common behaviours and thinking patterns associated with mental health difficulties – from recognising the signs in themselves or others to working with managing unhelpful thought patterns with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

For example, Nuffield Health has teamed up with SilverCloud to deliver a CBT module aimed at those dealing with anxiety and low mood in young people, offering support and tools including coping mechanisms.

These include positive communication skills, thinking patterns and breathing techniques designed to prevent feelings of emotional distress from spiralling, as well as preventative strategies like problem-solving and self-esteem building, to equip caregivers with all the tools needed to support and educate children.

Article supplied by www.nuffieldhealth.com

Nov 08

Love0

What should you do if you think your child may have Special Educational Needs?

By Iain Boyle Education, Mental health, numeracy skills, reading, Relationships, special educational needs

by Chloe Chapman
SEND Consultancy Services

The term ‘Special Educational Needs’ describes learning difficulties or disabilities that make it more difficult for children to learn than most other children of the same age.

What is the first step I should take if I think my child has Special Educational Needs?
It can be a worrying time if you are concerned that your child is not developing in the same way as other children or doing as well as they could be in nursery, school or college. Each educational setting will have a SENCO (Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator) responsible for providing additional support for children with additional needs. If you have concerns, you should arrange a meeting with the SENCO and other key staff who work with your child frequently (for example, the class teacher or form tutor), to discuss where you feel your child is struggling and what support is already in place to help your child.

The school (and you) may feel that your child needs more support, and this should be reflected within a SEN Support Plan.

The SEN Support Plan should include clear outcomes that it is expected your child will meet, and the support they will need for that to happen. For example, if your child is struggling with writing, support may include an intervention or support group that your child will attend, and during writing activities a staff member will support them. The SEN Support Plan should be reviewed regularly to ensure that your child is making good progress and the support is working well.

What is the next step if a SEN Support Plan is not working?
If your child has a SEN Support Plan, but they are still not making as much progress as would be expected, they may need an Educational, Health and Care (EHC) Plan. A parent/guardian, educational setting or a professional working with your child can apply for an EHC Plan, using the link available on the Local Offer for your Local Authority.

You do not have to use the forms provided by the Local Authority, but they will guide you as to what information to include. It is important to include as much evidence as possible – this can be information from the educational setting such as; a copy of the SEN Support Plan, results from standardised tests and examples of your child’s work. If your child has received additional care from Health Professionals such as your GP, a Paediatrician or Consultant, then include any corresponding paperwork. You can include reports from other professionals who may have worked with your child, such as: Educational Psychologist, Occupational Therapist, Speech and Language Therapist, Behavioural Support Worker or a Physiotherapist. Where possible, evidence should be dated from the last two years so it is still relevant to your child. For your child to receive the help they need it is important for reports to reflect how they might be on their worst day; this can make for difficult and emotional reading. Please remember that this is a means to an end and with the correct support in place the good days should far outweigh the more challenging days.

Once this information has been submitted to the Local Authority, they will make a decision about whether your child will undertake an EHC Needs Assessment. This is a 20 week assessment process, where the Local Authority gathers further information on your child to make a decision about what level of support is required. At the end of this process your child may receive an EHC Plan, or they may remain on a SEN Support Plan.

How to find information about services available through my Local Authority?
Local Authorities have an obligation to publish information relating to services and support for children on the Local Offer. The Local Offer will include information about how to apply for an EHC Plan, who to contact for help and what the process will look like for your area. If you are thinking about applying for an EHC Plan it can be useful to discuss this first with your local SEN Team, a local support group or an independent SEN consultant.

Aside from an EHC Plan, what else should my Local Authority be offering? –
The Local Offer should explain what schools are expected to provide as part of a universal offer for every child. Teachers should be regularly assessing children to identify which children may need additional help. In any one class, the teaching staff (with guidance from the SENCO), could be running a number of catch up or intervention groups for children with skills or knowledge gaps. The expectation is that if a teacher identifies a gap or delay, that the school should look to their own existing groups and resources to support a child in the first instance. As a parent, regular communication with school staff is key to making sure that you are both on the same page and your child is getting access to the support they need.

If you would like more advice about your child and their individual circumstances, then please do get in touch. SEND Consultancy Services can talk through possible next steps, attend meetings, read over reports, SEN Support Plans or EHC Plans and be an advocate for you and your child.

www.sendconsultancyservices.co.uk – chloe@sendconsultancyservices.co.uk – www.surreylocaloffer.org.uk

Nov 05

Love0

Using outdoor learning to enrich a child’s education

By Iain Boyle Education, environment, Family Farms, Forest School, Green, Mental health

by Barnaby Sandow
Head of School, ACS International School Cobham

The great outdoors is an invaluable and immediate educational resource, uniquely placed to build children’s awareness of the world, while being highly beneficial to both their personal and academic development.

Outdoor learning can take many forms – from taking a maths lesson outside, to giving children the opportunity to explore the fauna and flora of their surroundings. As a result, it has a wide range of benefits.

Research has shown improved health and wellbeing as one of the many outcomes of outdoor learning. Learning in the great outdoors not only allows children to be more active during the school day and lead a healthier lifestyle, but also provides an opportunity for them to relax and subsequently feel more refreshed and ready to learn. Taking the classroom outside can also increase student engagement; outdoor settings have the ability to fully energise an inquiring mind in a completely different way to indoor classroom environments.

Helping schools to enhance their outdoor learning offering and ensure children can enjoy meaningful and effective lessons, the Forest School Association offers a national accreditation that schools can apply for to deliver both structured and unstructured outdoor sessions. At our school, we have a long-established Forest School programme, led by our own Forest School accredited teachers and trainers, who are able to deliver valuable outdoor sessions for children from the age of two upwards.

The beauty of Forest School and general outdoor learning is that it offers children great variety in their learning. In one session, children could be asked to create natural inventions, such as flower crowns or pressed leaf drawings, and share stories with one another; this encourages creativity while enabling them to reflect on their experiences. In another session, children could be taught how to build a campfire and learn about fire safety, giving them the opportunity to physically test their skills in the real world and build the confidence to take risks in a supported and safe environment.

Forest School learning can see children journeying together through the woods or engaging in simple rough and tumble, which engage all of a child’s senses and are crucial for helping them to make sense of the world around them, while strengthening their communication and teamwork skills.

In outdoor sessions, children are also given free time to fully explore and interact with nature, being able to discover a variety of trees, plants and their surroundings in greater detail and learn about the world around them – in the most hands-on way possible.

From our experience, we have found that outdoor learning is particularly beneficial for younger children. They are given the space to be active and enjoy being noisy and messy, while engaging in play-based learning and exploration. With activities based on small, achievable steps, spending time outside helps to increase self-confidence and independence in the early years. Additional benefits of outdoor learning for younger children include improving their focus and attention, while physically helping to improve their balance, co-ordination and fine motor skills.

Beyond school, there are many ways that parents can facilitate outdoor learning in the evenings and the holidays to continue their child’s development at home. By encouraging simple and fun learning activities, such as den-building, painting a mural in the garden, or taking garden and wildlife photography, parents can help to spark the imagination of their child and increase their motivation to learn in all areas of their life – not just in the classroom!

For more information on ACS Cobham’s provision and to book an open day, please visit:

www.acs-schools.com/cobham

Nov 02

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How can education prepare children to lead a good life?

By Iain Boyle Education, Mental health, Relationships, special educational needs

by Dr Ian Cunningham
SML College

I would guess that no one ever said on their deathbed: “I wish I had got better grades at GCSE”. In fact, research on deathbed regrets suggests that people in different parts of the world show similar responses. A top regret, for instance, is around relationships – and people feeling that they may have neglected friends and loved ones or may have allowed work to dominate their lives. Others regret the kind of career they have had and feel that they have not fulfilled themselves through their work life.

There is a link here to Freud’s comment that “love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.” Note that he didn’t say that these are the only things that matter. But if we put his saying alongside the evidence of people’s regrets, it’s quite clear that love and work are crucial to a good life.

If we take work first, then research shows that many people feel unsatisfied with the work that they do. The research shows that they needed better advice when they were younger to make career choices. In mentioning GCSEs at the start, one of the things that’s apparent is that people often choose GCSEs based on such factors as liking the teacher or the views of others.

What is necessary is for the child to be helped to explore what a good life would mean for them and what that would mean therefore in terms of things that they need to learn to help them to get there. At Self Managed Learning (SML) College we start our time with children who join us by asking them about their lives and about things they like and don’t like and about what a good life might mean for them – and therefore what they need to do to prepare themselves for that future. Now we recognise that, especially for younger children, they may not have very clear ideas. That doesn’t matter. It’s more about providing a space so that there is continual exploration of what an individual wants for themselves and for their life in the future. However, by the time students get to 13 or 14, clearly there are choices around what to do at GCSE. Those choices need to be made on the basis of how that helps the person to prepare for the future that they want.

The other side of Freud’s view is about importance of love. What he meant was not erotic love, but rather the ability to have loving relationships with those around us. It might be a more brotherly/sisterly kind of love or it might be a generalised love for humanity. Whatever focus we put on it, the link to deathbed regrets about relationships becomes relevant.

Schooling has become such an individualistic enterprise that, for instance, if you help a friend with a test, it’s called cheating and you get punished for it. In life, cheating is essential – that is, helping people. It is the cornerstone of good relationships. In our College we don’t have such testing. It’s quite common for young people to help and support each other in their learning and to take this beyond when they leave us at 16. For instance, research on former students has shown that one of the key things they comment on learning at the College is what they often call their social skills. They see themselves as being able to relate to others effectively and it actually goes beyond just skills. It’s clear that they value having been in a community that is caring and supportive and that they have learned to engage with others in a truly human way. We know that this is one of the major criticisms of employers about people coming out of the education system – that they’re not good at working in teams and relating effectively to others within the workplace.

When I say that it’s more than skill, it is because what young people learn in the community is about caring about others and demonstrating that care. By being in a small community that allows young people to really know those around them they can be highly supportive and caring to others.

In a court case about what constitutes suitable education, the judge defined it in the following terms: “To prepare children for life in a modern civilised society and to enable them to achieve their full potential”. I would go further than this. Although achieving full potential is clearly what we are aiming for, it has to be not just preparing people to fit in within society, but to be able to be themselves and to live a good life. One that is more than just fitting in. As each person is different, so they need to pursue the kind of learning that will give them a good life. This means not having a standardised curriculum and instead encouraging each young person to see who they can become and how they can achieve that.

Dr Ian Cunningham, Chair of Governors, Self Managed Learning College, Fishersgate, BN41 1QH. ian@smlcollege.org.uk

Nov 01

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Separation and divorce: What should we tell the children?

By Iain Boyle Finance, Legal, Mental health, Relationships

In this issue of the magazine, Jennie Apsey, Solicitor in the Family Department at Dean Wilson LLP, looks at the best way for parents to tell their children that they are separating and how to come to agreement in respect of Child Arrangements.

We have decided to separate but have not yet told the children. How do you advise we should do this?
Every situation and child is different so there is no one answer to this question. Of course, much will depend on the age and emotional maturity of the children concerned. Pre-school children need simple, concrete explanations and are unlikely to be able to articulate their feelings. You as their parents are their whole world and they will not have the ability to think about the future. They will need reassurance about where they will live, who will look after them and how often they will see the other parent. Six to 11 years olds will be more able to understand and think and talk about their feelings, however they do still tend to see things in black and white and will have a limited understanding of complex adult issues like separation and divorce. Secondary school age children will have a far greater capacity to understand these issues and are likely to ask more questions and challenge parental authority and decision making.

From my experience as a Family Solicitor I have assessed that damage to children of all ages may be limited by following some or all of the following:
1. Inform your children jointly of the decision to separate.
2. Talk to them in an environment in which they
feel comfortable, for example at home.
3. Be honest but avoid blaming each other. Avoid giving children too much information or information they do not need.
4. Emphasise that it is not the children’s fault and that both parents love them equally. They need to understand that the decision to separate is an adult decision which they didn’t cause and can’t influence.
5. Do not make children feel they have to choose between you. Tell them that their life will be different but do not give them choices – it is your job as their parents to make the decisions. Children will want to know how life will change from their point of view, not yours, so letting them know what will change and what will still be the same is important.
6. Make sure they realise that they are free to love both parents as before. Try to separate your feelings from the children’s feelings – do not confuse your child by belittling or criticising the other parent.
7. Expect your child to play one parent off against the other or even to take sides. This is very common. Do not hold what they say against them – allow them to express their feelings.
8. For contact arrangements, make them clear to the children and make them regular – children usually like routines as they feel more secure knowing where they will be, when and with whom.

We are having difficulty agreeing what is in the best interests of the children in terms of living and contact arrangements. How can we overcome this?
You may need the help of a third party to come to an agreement about Child Arrangements and a family consultant or mediator can assist with this and help you formulate a Parenting Plan to refer to moving forwards.

What is the difference between a family consultant and a mediator?
A family consultant provides therapeutic and emotional support and helps separating parents navigate a way forward in the best interests of their children. A family consultant does not focus on legal or financial matters, focussing instead on the emotional wellbeing of all the family members. It can sometimes be helpful to speak with a family consultant to prepare you for the process of mediation, or even for them to work alongside the mediator. Family consultants aim to provide an impartial ‘third-eye’ perspective to assist parents in prioritising their children’s needs and wellbeing.

A mediator is trained to listen to both parents, to assist them in their discussions and to work towards a solution that is in the best interests of the children. The mediator will ensure that both parents have the opportunity to speak and put their views forward within a neutral, safe environment. Mediators do not take sides and do not advise. Mediators are not therapists, and their role does not extend to providing therapeutic or emotional support.

Do I need a Solicitor?
A Solicitor will be able to advise you in relation to your rights and obligations which you may find helpful prior to embarking on mediation with your partner. However, Solicitor and Court intervention should be considered as a last resort. Some cases require Solicitors to negotiate on the parents’ behalf and/or the benefit of a Court Order to regulate Child Arrangements. However, in the first instance it is far better to try hard to sort difficulties direct with your ex-partner. The children will benefit most if you are able to maintain communication and establish a good co-parenting arrangement going forwards.

Dean Wilson LLP’s reputation has been built upon our ability to deliver and exceed our clients’ expectations. For over 100 years our success has been founded upon our client focused approach, backed by the knowledge and expertise of our lawyers. www.deanwilson.co.uk

As an ABC reader you can call the Family Department on 01273 249200 to arrange a no obligation telephone discussion and, if required, a fixed-fee meeting.

Aug 08

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Exploring the world of Forest School

By Iain Boyle Education, environment, Gardening, Green, Mental health

by Rachel Martini
Nursery Manager, Little Lancing Day Nursery & Forest School

There’s been a real buzz about Forest School in recent years – but what’s it all about and why is it becoming increasingly popular?

Forest School in the UK is based upon the Scandinavian concept of ‘friluftsliv’ – free air life – an open-air culture which has long been very much a way of life in those countries. It first made its way to the UK as long ago as 1993 and has grown in leaps and bounds since then, both here and around the world.

The UK Forest School Community, way back in 2011, came together to define the ethos of Forest School in this country. Broadly it is a child-centred learning process that inspires children through play, exploration and supported risk-taking. It inspires children to undertake hands-on learning experiences in a natural setting and builds confidence and self-esteem through regular play sessions.

The provision for Forest School covers a wide range. From Early Years settings that operate completely out of doors, to those nurseries and schools with bespoke outdoor learning spaces, to sessions for children that take place outdoors in their nursery garden or school grounds.

Whatever the format offered, Forest School is firmly aimed at sparking children’s curiosity with the world around them, building an awareness and connection with the natural world and using their outdoor environment to develop important life skills. It also gives children a chance to make connections and to experience fun and challenging activities, away from the lure of the electronic world they are growing up in. Yes they are becoming digital natives but they are first and foremost natives of the ‘real world’ too!

In summary, the six basic principles of Forest School are that it:
• Offers a long-term programme of frequent and regular sessions, with careful planning, adaptation, observations and then review.
• Takes place in a woodland or natural wooded environment, wherever possible, to support the development of a relationship between the learner and the natural world, although good Forest School practice can of course be well supported in other sites with only a few trees.
• Fosters resilient, confident, independent and creative learners, with experiences linked to home and nursery/school where appropriate.
• Provides learners with the opportunity to take supported risks appropriate to the environment and to themselves, using tools and fires where appropriate and within the framework of a baseline risk assessment.
• Is run by qualified practitioners with a minimum of an accredited Level 3 Forest School qualification, who continuously maintain and develop their professional practice. It has a high ratio of practitioner to learners. Practitioners hold up-to-date first aid qualifications, including paediatric elements.
• Uses a learner-centred pedagogical approach that is responsive to the needs and interests of learners, with play and choice an integral part of learning and development.

The benefits to young children of learning through play within the natural environment are clear to see. Forest School helps children to develop holistically, at their own pace, into resilient, confident, independent and creative learners. They learn teamwork skills building ‘nests’ or shelters and are encouraged to develop risk awareness through activities such as bushcraft. They instinctively use natural resources for inspiration, following the flow of the seasons to explore for example bluebells in spring, birds nesting and leaves changing colour in the autumn. They take learning outdoors and make connections with the natural world around them. At a time when climate and environmental issues are becoming critically important, Forest School is a great – and, we believe, essential – grounding for our future citizens.

Rachel Martini is the Nursery Manager at Little Lancing Day Nursery & Forest School. For further details please call 01273 465900 or visit www.littlelancing.co.uk

Jul 10

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Why parenting with anxiety makes you a ‘super-parent’

By Iain Boyle children's health, family, Mental health, Relationships, Uncategorized

by Abby Dunn
Psychologist at the University of Sussex

The last couple of years have been tough for everyone. The Covid pandemic has left many adults and children feeling uncertain, stressed and anxious at times. Several pieces of research have highlighted the heavy burden this period has put on parents of young children. If you are a parent or carer you may have found things overwhelming at times. You are not alone in those feelings. Almost every mum and dad across the country will have done so at some point.

At the Parenting with Anxiety Team we specialise in supporting families. We hope that the following will provide some useful information and reassurance. But also remember that you are the expert on your family.

Parents with anxiety are ‘super-parents’
From our work with parents we know that almost all of them go to massive efforts to do what is best for their children and that they are doing this while managing their own anxiety. Think of Ginger Rogers doing everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards in high heels. It is not easy!

We know that all parents can think they are not doing a good enough job, so it was great to hear a mother we work with describe anxious parents as ‘super-parents’. And they are! Super at managing their anxiety at the same time as juggling the demands of parenthood. If you are in this situation, take a moment to recognise that you are super too.

You are just one part of what makes your child who they are
If you find yourself experiencing anxiety, you may worry about the impact it has on your children. You may notice that they express some anxious feelings of their own. If that is the case remember that a huge number of different factors contribute to making your child the amazing individual he or she is. It is not all down to you. It is also worth remembering that when your child is anxious your understanding of your own anxiety can give you special insight into what they are going through.

Your child’s anxieties are not your own
When you feel anxious, your child’s worries can be overwhelming. It can be useful to remember that all children worry at times and it is perfectly normal. Sometimes you might be tempted to step in and fix things for them, so they don’t have the same experiences you did.

School experiences can be a point when we transplant the feelings we have about our experiences onto our children. But their experiences are different and the things which worry us may not affect them in the same way. Similarly, when your child is worried about something you do not have to share those feelings. If you can step back a little from their worries you will be better able to help them cope with them. This is not always easy and don’t beat yourself up if you do find yourself sharing their fears.

If you are worried, encourage your child to talk, and listen
Just by noticing that something is going on for your child you have already shown real sensitivity. The next thing to do is support them to share what they are feeling. You do not necessarily have to solve things – you might not be able to and that is OK. If worries are coming up at bedtime focus on soothing them and try and have a gentle conversation about it at another time. Sometimes it can help to have a chat while you are both more relaxed, for example in the car, while playing or walking back from the shops.

To find out more about the project at the University of Sussex please visit www.parentingwithanxiety.org.uk