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Nov 06
Love0
doula and baby

Doulas – what are they and what benefits do they bring?

By baby health, Childcare and Nannying, Early Years, family
by Jo Slade
Birth and postnatal doula

Imagine being able to look forward to your birth without fear. Or enter motherhood and family life feeling calm and supported. This is exactly what a doula can help you with! In a time where it is so important to seek your own education around pregnancy, childbirth and postnatal care, a doula can be beside you every step of the way.

A birth doula
A birth doula is a non-medical professional, trained to provide support to women and families throughout pregnancy and birth. They will get to know you during your pregnancy, and can provide evidence-based information and antenatal education about what to expect from labour and birth, as well as being on-call to join you when you give birth – whether at home, in hospital or at a birth centre – to provide non-judgemental, practical, and emotional support.

They can be instead of, or in addition to, a birth partner. Someone who is there for you (both), who knows you and what’s important to you, and can give you the confidence to look forward to, plan, and advocate for the birth you want – whether you are aiming for a completely natural experience, a planned caesarean, or something in between!

Studies show that the continuity of care and support that doulas provide can lead to:
• Decreased likelihood of a caesarean or instrumental delivery.
• Increased likelihood of a shorter labour.
• Decrease in use of pain medication.
• Increased likelihood of feeling positive about your experience.
• Decreased likelihood of feeding issues.

A doula can be a great choice for first time mothers and parents – helping to settle nerves and talk about the unknown, but also for subsequent parents, who maybe didn’t have the best experience of birth or the postnatal period the first time around and want to feel more informed and supported going forward.

The average price of a birth doula ranges from £500 to £2000. This depends on your area, the different services offered and the level of experience of the doula.

A postnatal doula
A postnatal doula is professionally trained to provide support to women and families following the birth of their baby. The postnatal period should be a time to slow things down, take time to recover and enjoy your new baby, and although wonderful, it can sometimes feel overwhelming, as it’s all so new!

A doula will visit you at home, support you with adjustment to life with a new baby and give you the confidence to find your own way of mothering and parenting. They can help with:
• Breastfeeding and feeding.
• Holding your newborn so you can rest or have a bath.
• Hearing and chatting about your birth story.
• Light housework.
• Preparing nourishing meals.
• Entertaining older siblings.
• Walking the dog!

The importance of feeling supported and cared for in what is sometimes known as the fourth trimester should never be underestimated – it can have a substantial impact on your health and happiness going forward.

A postnatal doula usually charges by the hour, with a minimum number of hours booked. Hourly rates can range between £15 and £30.

There are birth and postnatal doulas, and many that provide both services. Most doulas offer an initial meeting, either in person or via Zoom, to see whether you are suited to each other, and they will expect you to be meeting with other doulas before you make your decision.

Some reputable online directories you can visit to find a trained doula in your area are:
• The Doula Directory
• Doula UK
• Find My Doula

Investing – time, energy and money – into one of the most important days of your life, and the months following, is a powerful acknowledgement that you are worthy of support.

However, if cost is a prohibitive factor, there may be some funds available. For example, the Doula UK access fund and Doulas Without Borders.

Jo Slade is a birth and postnatal doula. She lives in Brighton and provides doula support to families in many locations across East and West Sussex. For enquiries or to find out more, you can visit her website www.thedoulajoslade.co.uk email: jo@thedoulajoslade.co.uk or call her on 07779 457640

 

Nov 03
Love0
toxic relationships

Toxic families

By Childcare and Nannying, family, Mental health, Relationships, Special support needs, Wellbeing
by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna
psychotherapists and authors of “You’re Not the Problem”

There is no doubt that how we were parented informs and affects how we parent our children. That’s absolutely fine when we grew up in a happy, healthy, ‘good enough’ home, but what about when we grow up in unhealthy, toxic and abusive homes?

The first thing to know is that a lot of people don’t realise they grew up in toxic families, because not only do they think it’s normal, but they also think that if they didn’t like the way their parent treated them it’s because they’re the problem, not the parent. So understanding if you had healthy or toxic parents is the first step.

Signs you had a toxic parent are:
1. You weren’t allowed to say no to them without being shamed or punished.
2. You had to do everything their way because it was the right way.
3. They relied on you too heavily for emotional or practical support (parentification).
4. They use (and still use) guilt to make you do things you don’t want to.
5. You feel scared of them and obliged to do whatever they want –“I don’t have a choice, I have to.”
6. You are either hyper-dependent (people pleaser/codependent) or hyper-independent (don’t let anyone close, prefer to do everything alone, don’t ask for help).

This is not a diagnostic list, but if these sound familiar it might be worth looking up toxic or narcissistic parents.

If you’re aware you have toxic parents, you need to be aware of the common pitfalls that parents fall into when parenting their own children.

1. Taking their child’s no as personal rejection
When we grow up in narcissistic family systems, we inevitably develop a rejection wound, that coupled with the learned understanding that a child shouldn’t say no to their parent, it’s possible that someone could see their child’s rejection of them as a personal affront rather than the child just seeking autonomy and identity. Working on the rejection wound and realising that your child is safe enough to say no to you is an amazing thing, will help you boundary your feelings and stay in your parent role and allow your child to know they are safe to be who they are.

2. Swinging too far the other way
We call this the pendulum swing. When someone is so desperate to protect their child from ever experiencing a moment of what they felt in childhood they do the complete opposite. Unfortunately this can actually have a similar outcome because if a parent who experienced coldness and shaming and ignoring in childhood becomes too involved and hovering and micro managing their child, they can create a dependency in that child, instead of an independency. They also might unintentionally make the child responsible for their feelings by subconsciously letting the child know that mummy or daddy’s happiness depends on their happiness. This in turn can create anxiety and people pleasing in a child.

3. People pleasing your child
So often someone can be so scared of their child having emotions even a touch similar to their own feelings as a child that they will sit in fear of those emotions and try and prevent them at all costs. Especially when there is neurodivergence present and the resulting meltdowns are so hard to cope with. As a result they can end up people pleasing their child in order to prevent being faced with their anger, sadness or disappointment. This isn’t helpful for the child. Children have to learn how to regulate all feelings especially difficult ones, and what they learn through being people pleased out of them is that their emotions can control their parents behaviour (and therefore other people’s too) and/or those emotions aren’t acceptable and need to be hidden to keep their parent happy.

4. Being the parent they needed when they were a child
This is the number one mistake that parents from toxic families make. They become who they needed, essentially re-parenting themselves through their own child, which is not healthy. Your child doesn’t need the parent you needed, they’re not growing up in your environment, they’re growing up in a completely different environment, and are a completely different person. They need the parent they need. Make sure you’re not projecting onto your child a set of feelings and experiences that you had, and they may not be having at all.

When you grow up in a toxic family, there are lots of conditioned beliefs around what’s ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and it’s important to look at your family rules to understand these and choose what you do or don’t want to pass on consciously.

If you recognise yourself in any of these descriptions, first of all, try not to shame yourself. You didn’t know and it’s not your fault. Instead, it’s time to correct it by learning about it, and learning about yourself so you can be the parent you want to be, and your child needs you to be. Whilst we always suggest therapy is the best way to do this, knowing it’s not always accessible for everyone means that using other resources, such as books, podcasts, social media and any other form of learning will help you grow your knowledge, grieve your childhood, and build a better family life for your child and for you.

you're not the problemThe Sunday Times Bestseller “You’re Not the Problem” will help you recognise the language and behaviours of emotional abuse and narcissism in relationships, the immediate and long-term impact of it, practical strategies for healing and how to avoid repeating these behaviours. Buy “You’re Not The Problem” on Amazon and in all major book stores.

Nov 02
Love0
happy child

Teaching our children resilience

By Education, family, Mental health, Wellbeing
by Mrs Sarah Bakhtiari
Principal of Shoreham College

I have been a head teacher for six years, in two schools. A mother for 24 years, married for 30 and an educator for 29. When I was pregnant with my eldest daughter, I decided to do a Masters because I thought I would be bored with a newborn. The reason I reel off this list is that I couldn’t do these things without resilience (and optimism and foolishness – but they are different articles, and so I shall stick to resilience today!).

There is a buzz around resilience. I’ve been on training courses for it; read books and articles about it; been told I need more of it. The trouble is, I’m quite suspicious of the idea of resilience. The more I think about it, the more I’m reminded of a game I used to play on rainy days as a small child.

On said rainy day we would get the board games out of the cupboard and my family would all play. While it’s hard to choose a favourite, if I had to, it would be Buckaroo. The plastic donkey pressed into position before my brother and I took turns to pile all the random miscellany on its back, seeing how much the donkey could take before everything got bucked off. The moment it sprang and threw the plastic novelties all over the floor always made us jump and giggle, before we started the whole process all over again. That poor donkey never seemed to get much peace, being tested to its limit over and over. But that’s how I feel when people talk about how we should all be more resilient, as if we’re all plastic donkeys being piled upon until we snap.

Our children will encounter a myriad of challenges in their lives – everyone I’ve encountered has faced difficult times at some point. While some may have to overcome larger obstacles than others, every single person experiences struggles. Life is undeniably beautiful, yet equally tough.

How do we prepare our children to face the complexities and thrive?
When we talk about resilience, I think that what we mean is being able to face the complexities, the curved balls and the challenges of life and emerge on the other side, and I understand that, but I also think there’s more to it.

Let me illustrate. I love to swim. I’ve got into the super-trendy pastime of outdoor swimming, mostly in the sea. However, earlier this year, I visited a friend who insisted I got into the choppy North Sea. The waves didn’t look that big and I’m used to the cold, so I waded in. The first and second waves were fine and I began to relax – perhaps too much – and only when the third wave was a foot away from my face did I realise I’d misjudged it. I hadn’t widened my stance or braced myself for impact and over I went, and got a mouthful of the North Sea and a face full of shingle. I learned in that moment that resilience is also about bracing for the wave. Realising the thing that’s approaching is going to leave you a little battered, doing all you can to get ready for it and, when it’s over, all you can to recover. Life will break you at points, you can’t help that, but what you can do is be as ready as you can be for its knocks and bruises and work on healing them as quickly as possible. That’s what I hope we mean by resilience, but the trouble is, resilience seems to have become a code word for something else.

We’ve all felt it – that moment when the list starts to mount. We all like to please people, all like to help where we can. Perhaps you’ve agreed to bake for the winter fair and that on its own is fine, but then you also have to finish the last bit of work, remember to pay a bill and call your friend to wish them a happy birthday. You get jostled in the supermarket and suddenly it all becomes too much. The Buckaroo donkey can’t hold it any more and bucks. Perhaps you need to be more resilient, or perhaps it might be time to acknowledge your limits.

Resilience has transformed into a notion that implies we must endure hardships silently and soldier on. The truth is, I am vulnerable. But my vulnerability does not make me weaker (or stronger) than anyone else. True strength isn’t about bravely facing life’s pressures and forcefully overcoming obstacles as if they don’t exist. It’s about acknowledging our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Strength is honed through moments of vulnerability. While resilience portrays a triumphant figure plowing through obstacles, strength often manifests as a tearful heap – overwhelmed, exposed, yet unapologetically authentic. Resilience appears to be an individual pursuit, while strength thrives on collective support, where we can lean on one another and draw strength from those around us.

Allow me to share an analogy. My dog died last year. A much-loved family pet suddenly wasn’t there any more, and I was devastated. A time for resilience, perhaps? But I did something else. I cried and cried and cried. I cried in the departure lounge at the airport, I cried arriving at the hotel, I cried over breakfast in the morning, and at night-time. The other holiday makers were really confused. My husband and daughters didn’t try and stop me, they just acknowledged I was hurting.

I didn’t need to be more resilient; I needed to stay broken for a bit and lean on the strength of others. I found a strength that didn’t come from brushing myself off and getting on with it, but rather from feeling the pain and sitting with it for a while. And I still miss my dog, but now it’s peaceful instead of raw.

Resilience sometimes feels like we are supposed to cover up the scars, but strength allows them to be seen as if they are badges of honour, scars that made us who we are.

So, when I’m in resilience training and people are talking about how to cope with what’s going on, I can’t help but picture that Buckaroo donkey and, well, I’m not having that. Life is tough, but the stuff you do have to carry is less of a burden if you let people who care about you hold it for you, even just for a little while.

If life is the mountain, resilience is about powering up it without taking a break and pretending you aren’t out of breath and you don’t have blisters. Whereas true strength is about acknowledging you can’t take another step and asking if anyone fancies a sit down. The beauty is that when you take that precious moment to pause, you can also take a look at the path you’ve just walked up and who you’ve walked it with and be surprised by the ground you’ve covered. By admitting small defeats and looking down the mountain, you are less likely to lose sight of the bigger picture and what it took to get you there, feeling your feet on the ground and anchoring yourself.

You don’t have to be anyone’s Buckaroo donkey: you’ll only get overloaded, flip and make a mess. There’s nothing wrong in saying it’s all a bit too much.

So, what does this mean for our children and schools? Research tells us that the children who perform the best are those who can ask for help, act on it and have the strength to persevere – and not in buckaroo style, but in a collective endeavour with you, with their school and with their peers. Our children learn from us – let’s show them strength in all its forms. When your children need support, let their school know and let them work with you to put that supportive net around them and when you need support, I hope you have the people around you who will work through it with you, in whatever form you need.

Please call 01273 592681 to find out more about what Shoreham College can offer you, or to arrange a personal visit at any time of the school year. www.shorehamcollege.co.uk

 

Nov 01
Love0
panto oies

Panto – a quintessentially British tradition

By Christmas, Comedy, dance & Art, family, fun for children, panto
by Ellie Harman
Yvonne Arnaud Theatre, Guildford

Now the autumn term is in full swing, attention is beginning to turn to Christmas and how to keep the whole family occupied over the festive break. A trip to the panto is an institution for many families and school groups, and for some, Christmas would not be Christmas without this quintessentially British tradition. Panto is often the first experience of theatre as a child, and an experience that will often stick with someone for the rest of their life.

Pantomime has its roots in Italy and Ancient Greece, evolving from the Italian ‘Commedia dell’Arte’ which originated in the 16th century. These performances featured masked characters, slapstick style comedy, music and acrobatics, all of which are familiar aspects of today’s pantomime. But, whilst present-day pantomime performances are always jam-packed with eccentric, colourful characters, singing, dancing and quick-witted humour for children and adults alike, watching a panto has life-long benefits for young people.

Studies have proven that children who visit theatres when they are young are more likely to continue engaging with live theatre throughout their lives, which in turn has been proven to improve mental health. A recent survey by Norwich Theatre found that by seeing a pantomime at Christmas, the survey respondents experienced a significant boost in their mood, with over 80% feeling happier after the performance. Arts engagement more generally has been shown to enhance positive mental health and life satisfaction. The international children’s charity UNICEF suggests that “Dancing and singing are great ways to relieve stress. When you’re enjoying fun moments and laughing together, your body releases endorphins that promote a feeling of wellbeing.”

Pantomime is also a great introduction to the theatre and gives children the chance to learn the etiquette of public spaces in a more relaxed environment than a traditional play. The unique nature of a pantomime encourages children to get involved in the fun, singing along and shouting out “He’s behind you” and “Oh no it isn’t” at every possible opportunity. In a world that’s increasingly screen-based, the opportunity for young people to express themselves in a safe environment is invaluable for developing social skills, building self-esteem and making sense of the world.

Many people may see a trip to the panto as just a treat rather than a learning experience, but at the core of every pantomime is a heart-warming moral lesson too. Robin Hood, for example, tells a story of being courageous, standing up for injustice and helping those less fortunate than ourselves. Pantomime producers also often incorporate current topics and issues into the show, so as well as joyful entertainment that honours the traditional art form, pantomimes can also raise awareness of the challenges we may face. Teaching children these stories in a creative way not only helps develop their character but also widens their scope of ways to learn in the future, cultivating their creative mind-sets and all the while bringing joy and lasting festive memories.

Many children are visual learners, so pantomime provides a fantastic visual representation that they are more likely to remember. Dr Natasha Kirkham from Birkbeck University found that experiencing a story on stage rather than viewing it on a screen leads to a deeper understanding of the content. Similarly, a study by the University of Arkansas found students get significant educational benefits from seeing live theatre as opposed to watching a film, including improved vocabulary, and greater knowledge of the content. Representation matters, and diverse, inclusive casts, that represent the communities for which they are performing is important. For children, to see people on stage that look like them can be inspiring, empowering and confidence boosting.

This Christmas, many theatres are ensuring nobody is left out of the festivities by offering ‘relaxed performances’. Relaxed performances are adapted in several ways to make them more comfortable for people with Autism or learning difficulties, or who may benefit from a calmer environment. It’s also perfect for very young children who haven’t been to the theatre before. Adaptations to the performance include keeping the main lights on throughout the performance, allowing audience members to come and go as they please, providing a quiet break-out room, adjusting light and sound levels and removing audience interaction from the show. Many theatres have British Sign Language interpreted performances for deaf audience members, and a Dementia Friendly performance, so the whole family can enjoy the show.

So, at a time when the pressures put on young people are perhaps greater than ever, why not consider a trip to the theatre this Christmas? Pantomime provides a chance for children to come together with all generations to see a live show which will make everyone laugh and feel happy, inspire imaginations and encourage the next generation of performers and audiences.

The magic of pantomime is something the whole family can enjoy and at the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre, Guildford it’s always wonderful to see multi-generational families in the audience. The theatre has lots of upcoming family shows so please visit www.yvonne-arnaud.co.uk to find out what’s on.

Jul 10
Love0
Dads and family life

The essential role dads play in family life today

By family, fun for children, Mental health, play, Relationships

by Giles Alexander
Fatherhood Expert

 

Throughout history, for literally thousands of years, the principal role of a father has been to provide. But times have well and truly changed. Dads today are more actively involved in every element of raising our children and supporting our partners through pregnancy, birth and parenthood than any generation that’s come before.

Long gone are the days when expectant fathers would spend the whole birth sitting in the waiting room smoking cigars. No longer do we stroll through the front door at the end of the working day expecting the kids in bed and dinner on the table. Providing for your family in this day and age means so much more than merely bringing home the bacon.

As any working dad will tell you, being a father has never been more of a full-time job, and one that extends well beyond the traditional 9-5. Our job doesn’t stop once the monthly rent/mortgage/gas bills have been paid. Our working day doesn’t end when our paid employment finishes and we head home. Bath time, nappy changing, weaning, potty training, cooking, cleaning and emotional support are all fundamental parts of the job description.

More than ever, men today appreciate that being a dad is one of the most important jobs there is. An opportunity to build a family and shape a whole new life. To pass on our values and everything we’ve learnt to another human being, to change misconceptions and outdated stereotypes. And, ultimately, we all hope, leave a positive mark on the world. Because, beyond gestation and lactation, there really are no limits to what modern dads can do.

But this is only part of the story. To be really good parents, we need to be supportive partners too.

Because modern parenting is hard work. It used to be said that it takes a village to raise a child. And back in the day, that’s exactly how it was. New parents had so much more child rearing support from family, neighbours and the wider community than we do now. It was also much more feasible to live off one salary and still afford regular childcare, buy a house, pay the bills and buy groceries.

But the reality is that incomes today don’t cover what they used to, while societal expectations on new parents (especially new mums) are greater than they’ve ever been. Not only is the parenting role itself bigger, but more of the invisible, unpaid tasks associated with raising a family and modern life fall on new parents to complete themselves, with the so-called ‘village’ nowhere to be seen.

Given that gender inequality at work is still commonplace, this still too often leads to the bulk of the parenting and domestic load being heavily biased against women, who end up taking on the lion’s share. As modern fathers, we shouldn’t just accept this as the status quo.

It’s unreasonable to expect the weight of parental responsibility to land solely on a mother’s shoulders. Add to this all the other daily tasks we all need to complete just to get through the day – the laundry, shopping, cleaning, cooking and general life admin – and it’s even more unrealistic to expect one person to do it all alone. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day.

Of course, we all come into fatherhood with different life experiences, jobs, financial situations and support networks, which each have a massive impact on how well we can fulfil our new parenting role. And there is no such thing as the perfect dad, with each of us doing it the best we can, in our own unique way.

But no matter our personal situation, every one of us can choose to be a hands-on dad. A man who knows his stuff, rolls up his sleeves, does his fair share at home, and never shies away from his fatherly duties. Who appreciates his partner and the sacrifices they make. Who chooses to see parenting as a 50:50 partnership between two equals. And sets a positive example, both for his kids and for every new dad that comes after him, by showing them what’s possible.

It isn’t easy. Anything worth doing rarely is. The hours are long, the pay is terrible, and you spend most of your time working with someone who doesn’t speak your language, needs feeding 8-15 times a day, and relies on you to wipe their bum! But, like all jobs, the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. And the rewards – well, they really are huge and will last a lifetime.

Giles Alexander is a hands-on dad of three and author of new parenting book You the Daddy: The Hands-On Dad’s Guide to Fatherhood. Find out more at

www.youthedaddy.co.uk

you the daddy
Jul 03
Love0
astral psychology

Why astrology is the perfect tool for parental support

By astrology, Education, environment, family
by Tarah Stevenson
Love & Luna Astrology

As a parent to my 20 year old daughter, I understand just how challenging parenting can be! Parenting is both complex and multidimensional, requiring the ability to respond to the diverse and complex needs of the child. There’s no manual to help us navigate each chapter in our child’s progress, so quite often we turn to parenting tools to help guide us.

So, what does parenting have to do with the world of astrology? Like most people, I knew my sun sign, but in the spring of 2018, I saw my birth chart for the first time. I realised that I was so much more than my sun sign! The birth chart is a snapshot of the sky, the moment you were born, and astrologers can use this timestamp to derive meaning and a deeper understanding of our psyche.

On a basic level, we have our Sun, Moon and Rising sign, each of which relates to three distinct parts of our nature, and is a great basis for understanding astrological concepts. The Sun represents our identity, sense of self, ego, our wants and core purpose in life. The Moon signifies our subconscious, emotions, what makes us feel safe and nurtured and our needs. Our Rising sign signifies our appearance, how we appear to others and in turn how we view the world and perceive others. Furthermore, the Sun symbolises our father or significant father figure, while the Moon embodies our mother or significant mother figure.

So, how has astrology helped me improve my parenting skills? In 2018, my daughter was 14 years old. This is a time of many physical, mental, emotional and social changes. Hormones change as puberty starts and teenagers begin to develop their unique identity and gain independence. Parents can often find this stage challenging, due to conflicting beliefs, miscommunication and misunderstandings. I started studying my daughter’s chart, which gave me a much deeper personalised insight than any self-help book could.

The chart is divided into twelve parts called houses, and each house relates to a different aspect of our life. One of the first things I noticed was her Aquarius Sun in the 8th house, which meant that while she was socially adept at making friends, she had a deep need for a safe space to recharge. Aquarius is a sociable sign, but Aquarians also crave ‘alone time’. Being placed in the 8th house, further emphasised the need for privacy. This meant when she would retreat to her room for hours on end, a typical teenager thing to do, I wouldn’t take it personally. I understood that this was her coping mechanism after a busy day of socialising.

My daughter is a Cancer rising, which means having a strong attachment to home and close family. Cancers are extremely nostalgic and sentimental, which meant I understood how important it was to talk to my daughter about her childhood memories. She would positively shine when we’d look at old photos together and it was a great way to cheer her up if she was feeling down. Over the years, I have used astrology to help understand my daughter on a deeper level, which has helped me become a better parent by using her chart to support her in a way that is nurturing and aligned with her needs.

A close friend of mine was worried about her seven year old son, who although very likeable, was socially awkward and shy. We looked at his chart and I saw he had a Virgo Moon in the 12th house, which explained his shyness. Virgo is naturally reserved and introverted, and with the moon placed in the 12th house, which is said to be hidden, this further emphasised the challenge of standing out. It also indicated he was delicate to the feelings of others, so I advised he would thrive better in one-to-one connections over groups. My friend has since reported her son is a lot happier now that he has one close friend instead of lots, which he finds overwhelming.

Since then, I have been helping more people understand their child through the lens of astrology and I now offer tailored astrology readings for parents. In the winter issue of ABC, I’ll be talking about how you can use your own chart to better understand your parenting style and how it aligns with your child’s personality.

Tarah Stevenson is a professional astrologer and former teacher who has formally studied at the Faculty of Astrological Studies, London. She writes a monthly newsletter and her article The Astrology of Familial Relationships’ was published in the 2023 Autumn Equinox edition of the Evolving Astrologer Magazine.

 

Apr 03
Love0
sad child

It’s OK to cry – letting our children know they can feel sad

By family, Mental health, Relationships, Special support needs

We’ve all been there: your toddler’s sobbing because their strawberries are being served in a bowl rather than on a plate, or you’re playing in the park and they start crying over a tiny scratch. It’s natural to respond by saying, “Don’t cry, you’re OK.”

It’s a fact of life – babies and toddlers cry. The reasons they cry change as they get older, and so do our reactions. We tend to be more forgiving of infants (although a colicky baby can put anyone’s patience to the test), as we know that crying is one of their only ways to communicate.

Once children start to walk, talk, listen and follow simple directions, adults can become less accepting of crying. Parents naturally want to prepare their children for the world beyond home, and sometimes we react as though expressing negative emotions is a sign of weakness.

Crying can be a way of processing any strong emotion. Toddlers, of course, cry when they’re sad, but they might also cry when they encounter something new, confusing, unexpected, or difficult.

Here are some ways to help your toddler work through big feelings without telling them to stop crying:

Validate and empathise
A simple step is to just say “I can tell you’re upset” or “That looks really frustrating for you and I can see why.” It may help and it shows you care. At this age, your toddler is crying for a reason, even if it doesn’t make much sense to you.

Notice
Notice how you are feeling when your toddler starts crying. We may tell our toddlers to stop because we’re frustrated or out of time and patience. Watching our own reactions can be an instructive way to tap into our own empathy.

Listen
Finding the patience to listen to your toddler struggle to communicate with you in a difficult moment can be hard, but even with a limited vocabulary, they want to tell you about their feelings. Some of it may come in the form of words, some from body language and other cues.

Circle back
Your toddler is starting to remember more and more. A day after a tough episode, revisit it when your toddler’s in a calmer state by saying something like “Remember when you were so sad yesterday?”

For further information on child development issues please visit www.lovevery.co.uk/community/blog/child-development

Mar 10
Love0
ok not to be OK

It’s OK not to be OK

By Childcare and Nannying, family, Mental health, Relationships
by Katie Gowers Watts
‘Diary of a Warent’ blogger

When maternity leave ends, returning to work is an emotional tug-of-war.

diary of a warentMining for diamonds
As maternity leave draws to a close, I find myself emotionally lost, once again. In so many ways I’m looking forward to the return of my professional self, excitedly daydreaming about super-stardom and frankly, ‘being a somebody’. But on the other hand, it hurts.

We’re all familiar with the autopilot words of independent women, the world over. “I’m so ready to get back to work” and “Bring on adult conversations at last”. As for me, my grit and determination shine brightly, but hidden in the shadows of my ambition, is an undeniable anxiety.

Parenting is like mining for diamonds. On average, you need to move 250 tons of earth to find a single carat of diamond. But when you do, you have something indestructibly beautiful. Raising children, through blood, sweat and tears, you’ll deal with 250 tons of sh*t (literal and metaphorical) but the beauty you unearth is like nothing else. It’s invaluable.

It’ll be over when it’s over
Firstly, when this ‘baby phase’ is over, I know I’ll miss it for all time. It’s why almost every parent in the history of parenting says, “They grow up too fast” and “Cherish every moment”.

Secondly, my husband and I are unlikely to have any more children. And so, when maternity leave ends this time around, it ends forever. I’ve been silently dreading it for months.

I doubt that we can ever have too many diamonds, but we can definitely run out of energy and time for another 250 ton dig.

Run for it
Thirdly, whilst I have thankfully rediscovered my sense of self (which can elude you for a while after having a baby), I’m worried that other people’s perceptions of me may have changed. Like ‘buggering off to have a baby’ makes me seem professionally incompetent.

In the early years of senior school, I was roped into running the 800m race on sports day and you had better believe I wanted to win. On the day, with my friends and school-house cheering me on from the sidelines, I ran like the wind – until the last 100m. I realised that my friends, my confidence in human form, were together, united in the crowd – and I was out on the track, all alone. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I buckled and deliberately dropped from 1st to 4th place, afraid to take the podium alone.

Almost 30 years later, going back to work carries a similar irrationality. I want to win, so badly! But my team, my confidence in human form, is now the family I have created at home. And I find myself back at the start line, feeling exposed and vulnerable once again.

Warenting is a competitive sport
Put your hand up if you’ve ever encountered one of those delightful people who brag about giving birth ‘naturally’, probably without pain relief, in a bid to out-birth others? To ‘win’ at giving birth. A fine example of how unanimously irritating one-upmanship can be. Let’s keep it real – if you have given birth, then your body either (painfully) contracted and stretched in ways that don’t seem humanly possible, was (painfully) torn apart from the inside out, or was (painfully) sliced open and stitched back together again. As my midwife once told me, “There is no easy way to get a baby out”. So, however you did it, ‘fist bump’ to you.

Dads, you are credited with 0.011% of the workload. Thanks for your help. (little in-joke there for my husband!)

Warenting is a competitive sport. I have known plenty of women throughout the course of my career, who proudly flaunt the brevity of their maternity leave. They wear it like a medal of honour. “Oh, I only took (*insert short amount of time) off work. I couldn’t wait to get back to the grind” and, “I was responding to work emails from my hospital bed, like 10 seconds after giving birth”. If that’s you, then good for you, I get it. But it’s not me.

Emotional dumbbells
Why do we view physical pain as strength, yet emotional pain as weakness? Since our struggles are such a heavy weight to bear, perhaps we could think of them as emotional dumbbells. The more we lift, the stronger we become.

So, yes I want a badass career, but no, I don’t want to leave my kids. Yes, I want professional success in abundance, but no, I don’t want to sacrifice meaningful parenting moments. Yes, I want to stretch my maternity leave for a while longer, but no, I haven’t lost my ambition.

What I want to say, to shout even, is, “I don’t want to be at work instead of being with my baby. But also, I do want to be at work, absolutely bossing it”.

It’s OK not to be OK
Some of us are wrongly programmed to feel as though admission of our struggles is an admission of guilt. Like it’s telling people we’re not strong enough, not good enough. And as we all know, there’s only one solution…

I’ve turned it off and back on again, and instead of pretending that I don’t give a hoot about something I find painful at times, I’m acknowledging it.

Because as a mother, it is my right to feel this way. And it’ll be OK. Because it’s OK not to be OK.

You can read the full version of It’s OK not to be OK’ and additional ‘warenting’ blogs

written by Katie, at www.diaryofawarent.com

Mar 04
Love0
Divorce help

Court is not the only way

By family, Legal, Relationships
by Rachael House
Partner, Dutton Gregory

Contrary to what we may see on television, when couples divorce or dissolve a civil partnership, there are not many people who say to their lawyers “I want to take my ex to the cleaners!”. In my experience the majority of people say the opposite: “I want to be fair but get what I am entitled to”. In that circumstance, I commend my client for their sensible outlook and discuss with them the ways that settlement can be achieved without going to court.

We will then attempt to engage the spouse/civil partner in an out of court route such as mediation, the collaborative process, round table meetings, arbitration, a private financial dispute resolution hearing or early neutral evaluation. This list of options has grown in recent years, so there are plenty of routes to keep people away from the overworked and underfunded courts.

Despite all the options, it can sometimes become apparent that each party’s perception of what is fair can differ, or one party is an ostrich and does not engage in any meaningful negotiations. This can result in a stalemate in negotiations. Thus, an application to the Family Court to ask a Judge to make decisions for the couple can sometimes seem the only way forward. This can result in the parties both having an outcome imposed upon them that neither of them is happy with. Furthermore, each person will have spent many thousands of pounds in legal fees and may be stuck in the court system for a number of years.

If the above is not enough to put people off going to court, there is now even more of a deterrent in the form of two new elements being applied to the process in 2024:

1 Parties to court proceedings will need to let the court know what their thoughts are on trying to reach settlement outside of the court process, rather than staying within the court arena. If they do not wish to negotiate out of court, then they have to justify why they should not have to go and try an out of court route. If the Judge is not satisfied with the answer, an order can still be made to send the couple off to try and progress matters outside of the court arena.

Furthermore, if the Judge is not satisfied with a party’s engagement, they can make that person pay towards the other person’s legal costs. The court has long been trying to get couples to engage in out of court processes, and so is formalising the process from April so that couples will need to be much more alive to the risk of paying even more money to their ex if they show no interest in trying to move their disagreement away from the court.

2 The press will be allowed to report on court hearings. Initially just in proceedings concerning disputes over children – but this is expected to extend to financial proceedings in due course. This will be subject to strict rules on not naming the parties. There has been a pilot in place across a number of courts in England and Wales, but as from 29th January it has been extended to include 16 more courts including Guildford.

Imagine feeling nervous already about going to court but then having a journalist gawping at you as they type every word on their laptop, hoping for a juicy snippet of detail to entice their readers about the way the relationship has failed.

If your relationship has broken down and you are wondering what the difference is between the out of court routes, here is a summary:
Mediation – a third independent party helps couples reach a negotiated agreement.
Collaborative process – negotiations face to face with lawyers and a firm commitment to try and stay away from court.
Round table meetings – negotiations face to face with lawyers.
Arbitration – a jointly appointed arbitrator makes a decision that will be binding on the couple and become a court order but is more flexible and much quicker than court.
Private dispute resolution hearing/early neutral evaluation – the assistance of a specially trained person acting as a judge identifies and seeks to resolve the issues in the case, with the aim of limiting overall legal costs and time delays.

I know there will still always be situations where court is unavoidable. However, I hope that more people will become aware that going to court to resolve their issues is fraught with risk as to the uncertainty of outcome, speed, cost and privacy.

Rachael House is a specialist family solicitor at Dutton Gregory so if you want advice, then please contact Rachael House on 01483 755609 or r.house@duttongregory.co.uk

Mar 02
Love0
smiling tween

Parenting tweens

By family, Relationships
by Kelly Cox
Parent Coach & Trainer at Connective Family

The transition from childhood dependency to adult independence – it’s scary stuff!

We often think of teenagers appearing in our homes the morning after their 13th birthday, like the scene from Kevin and Perry. But actually pre-teens or ‘tweens’ develop from about eight to 12 years of age.

During this time our tweens often start to worry more about what other people think of them, they may become more self-conscious, keen to fit in with peers and even confident children can become more insecure. This can be a time where we start to see bullying.

So, what can we do as parents to stay connected with our children while they navigate these years?

Our parenting journey is an ever-changing landscape of rough roads, smooth country lanes and mountains, which is why being able to adapt to our child’s needs is crucial if we want to create a calm and connected home life.

Prioritise self-care
The most important thing we need to remember is that we cannot pour from an empty cup. Parenting leads us to pour from our cups constantly throughout the day, so looking after ourselves is crucial.

When we practise self-care, we allow ourselves to self-regulate more often and to allow ourselves to be less reactive to stressful situations. For some, self-care is small daily acts and for others is weekly or monthly acts. It’s whatever works for you, find what you need to help you to stay connected and calm.

Remember, it takes a village to raise a child
It’s important that, as parents and carers, we are connected with others who have a positive impact on us and our families.

Some examples of this might be:
• Maintaining positive relationships with teachers and support staff at your schild’s school.
• Encouraging positive relationships between children and sports coaches.
• Having positive relationships with friends and wider family.
• Asking for help when needed from appropriate people.

Keep up the parental presence
Being able to maintain a positive connection with our children is key to making them feel safe and supported, which in turn has a positive impact on behaviour and wellbeing.

You can increase parental presence in a number of ways to suit you and your child. Some simple ways you can do this include:
• Watching a movie of their choice with them.
• Popping your head in to see if they want a drink or a snack.
• Being in the room with your child.
• Going for walks or drives in the car together.
• Giving them a lift somewhere or picking them up.
• Spending time one-to-one with them doing something they enjoy.
• Taking an interest in a hobby or interest that they have.

Think connection over correction
We’re not saying that we should never correct our children but if we think and practise connection first, we often don’t need to correct.

If a child behaves in a way that we do not approve of, then it’s important that we try and think why they may be behaving in this way.
What are they trying to tell us or what are they trying to gain from this?

We often hear adults saying that children are just ‘attention seeking’. However, if we reframe this and think of it as though they are ‘attention needing’ or ‘attachment seeking’, it leads us to think more about connection rather than correction.

Tweens or teens will often push away from their parents (remember your tween and teenage days!?) so it’s important that we maintain a connection but also allow them to have a little more freedom. This transition between childhood dependency and adult independence can be a scary process for many children, particularly if they do not have the skills to navigate this.

And finally…
We so often hear so much negativity around teenagers, but if we stop and think about what they are navigating in life and the changes in their adolescent brain, then we realise how truly amazing they are!

They’re finding their way through education, friendships, relationships with teachers and other adults, handling intense emotions, changing bodies and external pressures such as social media. And they’re told, often daily, that choices they make today will affect the rest of their lives – despite the fact that their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for planning, prioritising and making good decisions, is the last to develop.

The tweenage brain is a wonderful thing!

Kelly Cox is a parent coach and trainer at Sussex-based Connective Family,

an organisation supporting parents, carers and their families.

www.connectivefamily.com

 

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