Fostering and adoption Archives

Mar 11

How to blend when the blender stops blending!

By Iain Boyle Fostering and adoption, Relationships

by Sally-Ann Makin
Potter’s Houses Nursery Settings and
Makin Connections – Family Consultancy

Families eh? Big ones, small ones, ones with just animals? All shapes and sizes have their challenges and we share reels and funny memes about the dynamics and we talk and compare stories about the trials and tribulations. But rarely do we talk (unless in our safe coven of non-judgemental friends) about just how hard it is to blend two families and have harmony. Not just hard, it’s almost impossible. I’m yet to speak to a parent of a blended family who finds it as breezy and enriching as they would like the world to think.

Let’s start with parenting styles. These are very much based on a combination of what you’ve learned from your own upbringing, the parent pals you keep, and your own personal beliefs. Very rarely will they align with your partner’s parenting style – this is where it gets tricky. When you raise a child from birth together, you only have each other to bounce off and you navigate parenting together (if you’re lucky enough to have a supportive partner) and you learn about your baby, who is equal parts of you both, together. When you blend a family those values and ideals you’ve raised your children with, will be different to those your new partner has raised their children with, and then we have potential conflict. Before you blend your children, you probably have this romantic idea that because you love each other and you both understand what it’s like to bring up children from a broken home, that you’ll be understanding and supportive at all times. Until their child isn’t very nice to your child and your mama-bear instinct kicks in, and all of that understanding goes out the window. Because no matter how much you love and adore your new partner, your babies are first and foremost your priority – and they’ve already been through enough. Sounding familiar?

So, how do we get past those tricky times where nobody wants to compromise and none of the children seem to like each other? You’re dealing with children who are naturally devious and intrisically selfish and competitive and potentially damaged by their previous experiences. Albeit, often lovely children with good manners who are well-raised and loved – but they can’t be perfect all the time. How do you learn to love someone elses children, who you’re still getting to know, who have so much of someone else in them that it’s hard to see past the flaws that you naturally ignore in your own children? How do you make everything fair and equal when they are different ages and have different abilities?

My husband and I have six children between us, one of which is ours together and I’m telling you it’s a never ending struggle to make sure everyone is looked after emotionally, physically, physiologically and mentally while ensuring that our new, and still in the fictional honeymoon period marriage, doesn’t suffer. Oh and don’t forget we need to run our various businesses and keep a house and make time for friends and extended family. It’s not what you see in the movies, it’s graft and it has nearly broken us a thousand times. We agree on a lot of things, and without wanting to sound too biased, we do genuinely have a lovely bunch of children who for the most part get on well and in comparison to many we are really fortunate. But that doesn’t mean anything about it comes easily and we are often exhausted.

I have a little ‘how to’ that seems to be working for us though and I’m going to share it with you in the hope that it can support more families to blend.

1 Be reasonable in your expectations of all the children regardless of age or background. Being fair and equal won’t work because for children nothing is ever fair and they’re always hard done by, so be reasonable instead. Set achievable goals for behaviour expectations, allow their feelings and responses to change and be heard even if you don’t like what you’re hearing. You have one shot at this.

2 Be understanding – put yourself in their shoes, get down to their level if they are young and try to imagine what their life feels or looks like, maybe it’s not what you thought.

3 Don’t compare – I know, that’s insanely hard! But it’s so important to understand that all children are not the same. My nine year old views the world very differently to my ten year old and they’ve had matching upbringings. Now imagine how differently my 15 year old stepdaughter sees things and we can no longer expect the same from them all.

4 Be affectionate – sometimes it’s hard to give a child who isn’t used to affection a big cuddle but as awkward as they might find it, they need it. Physical touch supports the release of endorphins – the happy hormone – as well as being a strong love language.

5 Priortise your marriage – if the children are all safe and healthy as your paramount focus then make your marriage a priority – make date nights happen no matter how tired you are, stay up later than the children, even if it’s half an hour to finish a conversation, have things in place that model to the children your authority and union in a gentle way. My husband and I have ‘a dessert club’ so every evening we sit down together with a cup of tea and a dessert, that we don’t have to share because they’ve had their own, and actually we are adults so we can! Be united, back each other up and don’t ever let the children think they’re winning!

Model what a healthy, loving and secure relationship looks like so your children seek that in their future partner and not the previous examples that have been set. Love each other beyond all measure because you’re both finding it hard and one day when they all leave home and start their own lives you’ll be all each other have.

For more tips or just for a chat, we offer family mediation at Makin Connections – we can help you connect.

Sally-Ann runs Makin Connections, Garden of Eden Preschool, Potters House Preschool and Blossom and Bloom Day Nursery.
For more information please contact her at sallyann@makinconnections.co.uk or call 07939 620934

Mar 03

Love0

Fostering step-by-step

By Iain Boyle Fostering and adoption

Becoming a foster carer is a big decision and we know that simply getting in touch to enquire about the process can be a big step. It may have taken a number of years and a lot of careful consideration and research. Here, we look at each stage of the assessment; from enquiry to approval, step-by-step.

Getting in touch
Before the main assessment begins, you may have attended an Information Session, or you may have called or e-mailed the Brighton & Hove Fostering Team directly. Information Sessions are a fantastic way to meet current Foster Carers and to find out what fostering is really like from people who have experienced the rewards and the challenges. Foster Carer Graham says “If you are at all interested, find out more, go to one of the information evenings. Speak to people to find out how fostering could fit in with your life.”

Initial home visit
If, after making contact you are happy to proceed, an Assessing Social Worker will arrange to visit you in your home. Sarah, 31, and Gemma, 33, foster mixed race siblings and recall “We were allocated an Assessing Social Worker who was brilliant and so supportive. She came to our house for an Initial Home Visit which was very informal. We chatted, had a cup of tea, and showed her where the children’s bedroom would be.”

An Initial Home Visit is an opportunity for prospective Foster Carers to discuss their circumstances and motivations in a familiar, comfortable environment. The Assessing Social Worker will answer questions, conduct a health and safety assessment of the home, and ask to meet other members of the household such as partners, birth children and pets.

Stage 1
Stage 1 marks the beginning of the main Foster Carer Assessment. It is principally about gathering basic, factual information and includes mandatory checks and references such as Enhanced Disclosure and Barring Service (DBS) checks, medical checks, Local Authority checks, Child Protection Register checks and online checks. Employment and personal references will be sought, as well as ex-partner references if you have previously been in a significant relationship, especially one in which children were involved.

Skills to foster
Following, or sometimes during Stage 1, you will be invited to attend a mandatory three-day training course designed to help you explore and understand some of the issues involved in fostering. It will begin to prepare you for life as a Foster Carer and introduce subjects such as safe-care and identity. Foster Carer Gemma reflects “I’ve been working in childcare for 14 years, and it’s the best training I’ve ever had. It gave a real sense of what fostering is truly like.”

Stage 2
Stage 2 involves several home visits and focusses on getting to know you better, assessing and developing your knowledge and experience, and exploring your motivation to foster. An Assessing Social Worker will gather information about your lifestyle and look at how fostering will fit into your life.

Foster Carer Stella describes her experience; “We would have a session, we would discuss a topic, and then between the sessions we would discuss the topic with our children and between ourselves. It worked really well! It gave us time to talk to our children about the type of children that would be coming into our care, why they would be coming to us, and what to expect.”

Foster Carer Joanna says “The social worker who assessed us was always on time and always friendly and ready to help. She supported us in a professional, kind and efficient way.”

Panel
Once Stage 2 is complete, the Assessing Social Worker will compile a report, to be presented to an Independent Fostering Panel. The panel is made up of health and education professionals, Foster Carers, and independent members representing a cross-section of society.

Sarah and Gemma admit that Panel can be daunting when you first walk in, but quickly add that “Everyone was lovely, and they made it so easy.”

Foster Carer Lydia says “We were really confident that the assessment had prepared us for Panel and that it was a formality. Different people from different walks of life, looked at our assessment, as a final check and balance.”

Approval
Following the Panel meeting, the Panel will make a recommendation to the Agency Decision Maker, who will give the final say on your approval as a Foster Carer!

The Foster Carer assessment process can take, on average, six months but Lydia qualifies this in context; “You’re dealing with children who have everything stacked against them and you need to be the consistent resilient person. That’s why the process to become a foster carer is so long.”

Brighton & Hove City Council are not expecting the assessment to imply perfection because “nobody is perfect.” Foster Carer David speculates “How can you be expected to relate to children who are having a difficult time if you haven’t experienced some challenges yourself?”

Foster Carer Liz says “Go for it, don’t hold back. It’s like a lot of things in life – you get out of it what you put it. It’s incredibly rewarding.”

To learn more about becoming a Foster Carer call 01273 295444 or visit www.fosteringinbrightonandhove.org.uk.

Details of upcoming Information Sessions can be found on the events page.

Nov 05

Love0

Fostering as a family

By Iain Boyle Childcare and Nannying, Fostering and adoption, fun for children, Mental health, Special support needs

The sons and daughters of foster carers play a vital role in fostering; they contribute hugely towards the success of fostering placements and make a valuable difference to fostered siblings as they settle into their new home. Fostering is a life changing decision and should be considered and thought about as a family.

Sometimes, the perceived impact of fostering on birth children prevents families from finding out more as they feel they need to wait until their children are older. However, for many of the families who foster for Brighton & Hove City Council, the experience has been positive and rewarding.

We asked foster carer Felicia to tell us about the role her children play in their fostering family. “Becoming a fostering family was a big step for the whole family, but becoming foster siblings was particularly special for our birth children.

At the start of our journey, I knew I wanted to foster children, but it was something that we had never approached as a family. It was important for us to ensure that we involved our birth children from the very start, to ensure they were happy with the changes and the roles they would take on. Our children were keen from the start. We love a busy house and the joy that many children bring to it. The more the merrier! We ensured that the children were also aware of the difficulties that they may face such as sharing their parents with more children and the sense of loss that they may feel when foster children moved on to their forever homes. It was important for them to have a transparent view of fostering, as well as to understand the joy and the challenges that may lie ahead. The children were involved throughout the assessment process, speaking with assessing social workers and meeting other birth children. They continued to express that they were keen to start fostering.

Five years on as a fostering family and I am truly proud of the difference that our birth children make to the foster children who come into our care. They welcome the children when they first come to our home and help to find toys to play with and make the children feel part of our family. Our children have demonstrated kindness, calmness and understanding towards children who have needed our support. As a fostering family of babies and toddlers, our birth children have been involved in helping our foster children meet many milestones.They have helped children learn to crawl, to walk, to talk and encouraged them with love and praise when they learn new things.The immediate instinct they show to comfort children when they are upset or unsettled is wonderful to see, as well as extending this kindness to other people around them.

We take regular opportunities to check that our children are happy to continue our fostering journey and every time we get a resounding yes!

Our birth children love to keep in touch with the children we foster when they move into their forever homes, where this is appropriate. It’s an honour and a privilege to continue in these children’s lives and see the bond between the children as they grow.”

We also asked foster carer Stella about the impact fostering has had on her children. “Our children have turned out to be very empathetic and sympathetic young people because they know that not all children and young people have a happy upbringing. This includes basic needs like having a clean, well-equipped house and a happy family home where they feel safe and wanted.

They have both grown up to be young people who are kind, just to be kind, not because they think they will get something in return.

They continue to constantly and consistently show the children we care for unconditional love and go out of their way to make the children feel that they belong in our family.

They have never complained about having to share their home, their holidays, their parents, their possessions, and their experiences with other children. People around us always tell us how kind, polite, empathetic, gentle and loving our children are, and we feel that as well as their happy upbringing, fostering has enhanced these qualities.

They have a great appreciation of having been part of a close, happy, secure, positive and encouraging family and we feel that this will continue when they themselves become parents.

We feel that they have learned skills and become people who will go on to become lovely parents themselves.”

If you have room in your heart and home to foster, the Brighton & Hove Fostering Team are keen to hear from you. They need foster carers from all walks of life, those with children of their own, and those without.

Visit www.fosteringinbrightonandhove.org.uk for more information or e-mail fosteringrecruitment@brighton-hove.gov.uk to find out about upcoming online information sessions.

Jul 12

Love0

Teenagers who are trying to find their place in the world

By Iain Boyle family, Fostering and adoption, Work employment

When people first enquire to foster, it is often assumed that younger children will be easier to manage and that teenagers will be more challenging to care for. But teenagers often become the preferred option for many foster carers who now have a special place in their hearts for this age group. There are many vulnerable teenagers in Brighton & Hove who need the unconditional love and support of a foster carer to give them the confidence and skills they need for adulthood. Could this be you?

Teenagers often come into care feeling that everyone is against them. Alongside any trauma they may have been through, hormones and a growing sense of independence mean they are going through a key and challenging stage of development. The stability and support that foster parents provide at this important stage can have a far-reaching impact and help them develop into caring, confident and independent adults.

Chris and Kieran have been fostering teenagers for almost 30 years. “The good bit is that you see them growing up, becoming independent and moving on. You get to know them and they’re old enough to really talk to. I was a secondary school teacher so I kind of know what’s going on in their heads so it’s easier to communicate. And now of course we’ve been doing it for a long time.”

Fostering a teenager can bring real challenges, but it also offers huge rewards. It takes care and consistency to let a young person know, regardless of their age, that you’re not going anywhere and you’re not giving up. When teenagers know they’re in a safe and caring place, that’s when they really start to thrive.

Martin and Liz foster teenagers and now wouldn’t have it any other way.

For Liz, it’s a familiar stage of parenting. “Our sons are in their twenties, so it doesn’t seem that long ago that they were teenagers. Having teenagers keeps you young, it’s got me back into real life!”

Martin says “Teenagers are exploring where they want to go and they’re discovering what they want to do with their life. They’re very vocal about what they want to do and they’re very interesting to talk to because they’ve got ideas that make you sit up and think!”

The magnitude of impact that foster carers can provide for young people in care is far reaching and invaluable. Family relationships are a huge benefit to teens who desperately need a support network to guide them whilst they try to work out who they are and understand what’s happened to them in the past.

Liz says “You’ve got to be very open-minded when you do face a challenge. It breaks my heart inside, but you can’t show that. And you need to be non-judgemental, that’s important. You cannot judge because you haven’t experienced the situation and can’t know what it’s like. We can only imagine.”

Like all children and young people in foster care, teens just need that family or individual who can help make the difference to their life and future prospects.

Chris and Kieran enjoy seeing the young people they’ve cared for grow up, become independent and remain part of their lives as adults.“We attended the wedding of one of our foster children… the Best Man and four ushers had also been our foster children so that was quite a day! We also have two granddaughters who we see on a regular basis.”

Birth child Lauren remembers when her mum made the decision to foster young adults between the ages of 12 and 18. “Everyone wants to foster or adopt a cute baby or young child, but not enough people think about teenagers. My mum wanted to give young adults a chance to change their lives by giving them the skills and emotional support for them to make their own success. She helped them to believe in themselves and I feel proud of her for helping them to flourish into young adults who now have a chance for a better future.”

Gemma’s life was transformed when she was fostered by a Brighton family at a desperate time. Foster carers Shelley and Nicholas took her into their family home – initially for an emergency short stay – and gave her the security and care she needed.

Gemma says: “What started as a two week respite break turned into a four year foster placement. As soon as I stepped in their front door, I immediately felt this was where I was meant to be. My foster carers gave me the safe, loving home and stability I was craving. They’ve also believed in me – and that support has helped put me on a path to a future that wouldn’t have been otherwise possible. Shelley filled a void in my life, and while you can’t replace a mum, which she’s never tried to, she gave me the unconditional love and support that a mum would, and that was all I was after.The truth is, we all just need someone to care, even if it were just one person. That one person could change your life.”

Gemma encourages anyone considering fostering to give it a try. “There may be a child or young person out there who needs you, and you could save their life.”

To foster teenagers, it can help if you have some prior experience working with young people, but it is not essential as the Brighton & Hove City Council Fostering Team will provide all the training and support you need. There are a variety of skills and qualities that are useful such as being able to listen, having a good sense of humour and being a caring, empathic person.

Teenagers are trying to find their place in the world, and they need someone to show they care. If this is you, the Brighton & Hove City Council Fostering Team would love to hear from you.

If you can help a teenager to find their place in the world and be the person they need, the Brighton & Hove Fostering Team would love to hear from you. Visit www.fosteringinbrightonandhove.org.uk for more information or e-mail fosteringrecruitment@brighton-hove.gov.uk to find out about upcoming information sessions.

Jun 03

Love0

How our family makes a difference

By Iain Boyle family, Fostering and adoption

Stella, Richard and their children Xenan (24) and Venus (18) have been fostering for seven years. Xenan was 17, almost 18, when they were approved to foster, and Venus was almost 12. The family had their first placement the day before Venus began secondary school. We asked Xenan and Venus what fostering has been like for them, and we asked Stella and Richard about the impact fostering has had on their children.

Xenan and Venus
What do you enjoy most about fostering?
We have the opportunity to meet and interact with a wide range of different people, of different ages, from different backgrounds, with different experiences.

We love having young children in our house. We love to play with them, share experiences with them and share our home with them.

We love seeing their absolute excitement and pleasure at trying new experiences. This includes visiting places like Woods Mill, Bramber Castle and the beach, and also going to music groups, going on holiday, going swimming, running in the park and shouting “YEEEEEHAAAAAA!” as we drive through a tunnel. We love to see them try new foods for the first time, write their first letter to Father Christmas, have their own ‘special blanket’ and personalised Father Christmas sacks. We love to celebrate birthdays, have family parties, introduce them to our Granny and Grapps, and watch them become part of our big extended family.

We have the chance to help children thrive. We give them a sense of belonging to a happy, positive, well-functioning family. We make them feel safe and loved unconditionally. We see them being happy and feeling safe, and we know we have made a huge, positive difference to their lives.

What is it like when the children you care for move on?
When children leave us, it is the worst bit by far and we do miss them. We know it is the best thing for them and we feel prepared, but it is still sad.

Whether they are returning to their birth family or moving onto a family to be adopted, we like to see them settled and happy. We still visit all of them and we love the fact that they remember us and that we have been part of their story.

We think of our past foster children as our extended family; we have lots of foster siblings!

What are your favourite memories of fostering?
There are so many but here are a few…
We cared for a couple of young children, aged three and four, who used lots of funny pronunciations of words including “fashion poo” (shampoo), “Louise tea” (Halloween) and “baby chips” (baby chickens).

One child loved watching clips of themselves on my phone and would laugh so much they would have tears rolling down their face. Once they even fell over, they were laughing so much!

Watching children sing along to ‘Barcelona’, by Queen. So sweet and so loud! And their funny dancing!

Our first foster child’s favourite game was to get us to pretend to fall asleep and then shake and shout or call to us to wake up. We would do the same to her when she pretended to fall asleep. She found this hysterically funny and would do it over and over and over again.

Stella and Richard
What impact has fostering had on Xenan and Venus?
Xenan and Venus have turned out to be very empathetic and sympathetic young people because they know that not all children and young people have a happy upbringing. This includes basic needs like having a clean, well-equipped house and a happy family home where they feel safe and wanted.

They have both grown up to be young people who are kind, just to be kind, not because they think they will get something in return. They continue to constantly and consistently show the children we care for unconditional love and go out of their way to make the children feel that they belong in our family.

Xenan and Venus have a great appreciation of having been part of a close, happy, secure, positive and encouraging family and we feel that this will continue when they themselves become parents. We feel that they have learned skills and become people who will go on to become lovely parents themselves.

Every day the children of foster carers welcome other children into their homes and their lives. They strive to make young people in care feel safe, happy and loved, and ensure that they can thrive. Fostering involves the whole family and the contribution of sons and daughters is vital. Xenan and Venus are wonderful examples of the compassion, dedication and commitment that all fostering sons and daughters show in abundance.

Visit www.fosteringinbrightonandhove.org.uk for more information or e-mail fosteringrecruitment@brighton-hove.gov.uk to find out about upcoming online information sessions.

Nov 01

Love0

Cultural needs in care

By Iain Boyle Fostering and adoption

Two-thirds of councils in England have a shortage of Black, Asian and minority ethnic foster carers. In Brighton & Hove, as more children from ethnic backgrounds come into care, the Council are urging people from Black, Asian and mixed-race communities to consider becoming foster carers. Identity is important for all children but it is particularly crucial for Black, Asian and minority ethnic children placed in foster care to grow up understanding their roots and their culture.

In Brighton & Hove, there is a shortage of foster carers with the same cultural or ethnic background as the children coming into care, which means that children from Black and Asian communities will often be placed with foster carers from a different background. Black and Asian foster carers are often well placed to help foster children from the same background, as they can help these children to develop a sense of pride and achievement and to make better sense of their history and identity.

Stella Letanka-Jeffs, has been fostering for nearly six years and is one of just a handful of foster carers in the city from the Black community. “I am from a mixed-race family, Black South African and White English. My siblings and I were brought up with a genuine mix of racial input and we were taught about the history and way of living in both countries. Being taught the history of both places, and about how I connect to both places, secured my sense of self-identity and my confidence and pride in where I come from and who I am.”

Stella was also taught basic skills like how to care for her hair and skin, which is very different to white hair and skin.

“I could have found all this out by reading books or by watching YouTube, but seeing and experiencing it all first-hand really helped me to learn and embed it into my everyday life.”

Stella says; “Brighton and surrounding areas are always sold as being so diverse, but racially it is much less diverse than people think. Currently there are a large number of black and mixed race children being cared for by white carers, all of whom are great, but it would be even better if we could make more cultural matches for young people and help them to experience all aspects of their culture with people who have had the same experiences. We need more Black and mixed race carers to step forward. The children need our input and expertise from experiences of race and racism, through to the simple things like skin and hair care. Being a foster carer really is an amazing job, and I care because I know that we can give the children the safe, secure, happy early start to life they really deserve.”

Cathy Seiderer, the council’s Fostering Recruitment and Assessment Manager, says: “We want our fostering community to represent the diversity of the city and that means attracting more foster carers from Black, Asian, mixed-race communities. We have a wonderful community of fantastic foster carers and we want to reach out and appeal to the whole community of Brighton & Hove and surrounding areas to encourage them to find out more about fostering for their local authority. You really can make such a difference to a young person’s life.”

Brighton and Hove is a vibrant, multicultural city with a diverse population of children in care and it is essential that our population of foster carers reflect this diversity. Some young people in care are unaccompanied asylum seekers and Muslim and, as with all children who are fostered, it is important that they have carers who best suit their needs.

If you would like to make a difference as a foster carer, we’d love to hear from you. Email: fosteringrecruitment@brighton-hove.gov.uk to arrange a phone call
or visit www.fosteringinbrightonandhove.org.uk and follow the enquiry link.
The team are holding fortnightly virtual information sessions via Microsoft Teams.

Jul 16

Love0

The right type of fostering for you

By Iain Boyle Fostering and adoption

Brighton & Hove City Council know that the decision to become a foster carer can take years, and a lot of careful thought, consideration and research. There are many different types of fostering that foster carers can choose to consider; short-term or long-term, ranging from a few days, weeks, months or even years. Children may need foster care from the moment they are born, and some children stay in care up to the age of 18 and beyond. Some children may return to their birth families, others may be supported through continued fostering until they are ready to live independently, and some may move onto adoption.

Here, we look at some of the most common types of fostering, each with their own challenges and rewards.

Short-term foster care
The most common type of fostering is called short-term foster care. Depending on a child’s circumstances, a short-term placement can last from a few days to several years, and as a short-term foster carer you can provide a stable and loving home whilst a longer-term plan is made. The child may return home, move to live with other family members who have been assessed, or move into long-term fostering or adoption.

Long-term foster care
Some children can’t return to their birth family and may be placed in long-term foster care until they are ready to live independently. A family home can provide the security and stability that a child needs to thrive and reach their full potential in life.

Parent and child
Some parents may need extra support to help them care for their child or baby. Parent and child foster carers provide a home for both the parent and their child and work with the parent to help them look after their child independently wherever possible. The parent will receive help and advice, enabling the parent and child to stay together and to develop a strong relationship at a crucial developmental stage.

Respite care
Some children need to be looked after for a short period on a regular basis. This could be for as little as one weekend per month or for a holiday. Respite care can give parents or other foster carers a break or can prevent a breakdown in the family. Some foster carers offer respite care in addition to other short and long-term placements whilst others prefer to just offer respite care.

Supported lodgings
Supported Lodgings carers provide an opportunity for young people (16/17 year olds at risk of homelessness and care leavers 18+) to live in the home of someone who will help them develop the practical skills and emotional maturity they need to move on to independent living. Carers provide a safe and supportive family home and have the time to teach simple life skills. Every young person is different, but they may need help with getting into education, training or work, managing money, shopping, learning to cook and do housework, attending appointments or building confidence.

Emergency care
Sometimes a child will need to be placed immediately with a carer for a few nights and some foster carers will be specially trained for this type of placement.

It is important to explore which type of fostering will be most suited to you and your family and Brighton & Hove City Council’s fostering team will help to guide you through the options. Whichever type of foster care you are interested in providing, they will offer you a range of training and support to help you grow your knowledge so you can provide the best care possible.

To learn more about becoming a foster carer, email fosteringrecruitment@brighton-hove.gov.uk to arrange a call or visit
www.fosteringinbrightonandhove.org.uk. The team are holding regular virtual information sessions via Microsoft Teams.

Mar 01

Love0

The A-Z of fostering

By Iain Boyle family, Fostering and adoption, Mental health

Isobella, who is 14 years old has been fostering with her younger twin sisters, mum Liz and mum’s partner Caroline for three years. During this time, the family have welcomed two children into their home, the first for nine months and the second for 18 months – both little girls under four years of age.

Isobella remembers how she felt when her first foster sister arrived at their home. “I was very excited to have someone come and live with us because we love little ones and helping other people. When she arrived, it was overwhelming for her and for us but it was a great experience and she settled in well.”

Isobella says the best thing about fostering is “the relationship you build and how strong that is. We have lots of memories that we still talk about, like going on holiday to the Lake District with the first child who was in our care. She hadn’t been on holiday before and she saw snow for the first time! We were sledging down a hill, taking it in turns with her on our laps. It was a whole new experience for her which was lovely to see.”

Isobella and her family like to stay active. They try to get out of the house as much as possible, meeting friends and going for walks. The children in their care have loved being part of the things they love as a family; watching Isobella play netball, cheering at football matches, learning to swim, completing art projects and going to shows are just a few examples.

The support in place for sons and daughters of foster carers includes regular day trips and activities. A team of Brighton & Hove City Council Fostering Support Officers run activities throughout all of the school holidays, for birth children and foster children alike. The trips are a real treat for the children, who get an opportunity to form friendships with children in similar circumstances, and a well-deserved break for foster carers.

Isobella says “We’ve been on lots of activity days and they’ve all been great experiences and good fun. My favourite was a trip to Hove Lagoon to do water sports. We did wakeboarding which was new for me but really good fun.We’ve met lots of other families and they’re familiar faces now when we see them again. Everyone is really friendly and it’s nice sometimes to share the things we’ve been through. There’s one family in particular who we’ve become good friends with, they’re long-term foster carers. We love all of them and we go for walks with them quite often.” She continues “I know there is lots of support available from the fostering team too. I haven’t needed to ask for support yet, but I know it’s there if I need it.”

To convey the experiences, feelings and realities of being a birth child in a foster family, Isobella has put together an A-Z to help other birth children to understand what to expect.

A. I was 10 years old and in my last year of primary school when our first foster sister arrived to live with us. I will never forget her ARRIVAL.
B. It is really important to develop a BOND with the foster child. In my experience this takes time.
C. When you are fostering it is important to learn how to have a CONVERSATION.
D. As a foster family we go on lots of DAYS OUT at the weekends and in the holidays.
E. Fostering needs EMPATHY.
F. Our FAMILY sticks together.
G. It’s hard to say GOODBYE.
H. HUGS are important.
I. Being a foster family is part of my IDENTITY.
J. Sometimes when we are fostering, I feel JEALOUS because my mum can’t spend time with me.
K. Always be KIND.
L. Sometimes it must feel LONELY.
M. We love making MEMORIES as a foster family.
N. Sometimes our house is very NOISY when we are fostering.
O. Fostering means OPENING up your heart and home.
P. Good fostering requires PATIENCE.
Q. It’s important to learn what to do if there is a QUARREL.
R. Sometimes I feel REJECTED but I try not to take it personally.
S. It’s important to be able to say SORRY.
T. When the children we look after have TANTRUMS we tell them it’s OK not to be OK and we still love them.
U. We look after the foster children when they are UNWELL.
V. We look after VULNERABLE children.
W. We enjoy making foster children feel WELCOME.
X. XMAS is a special time to make memories as a foster family
Y. We create all sorts of memories, including YUCKY ones.
Z. The fostering journey is a ZIGZAG but overall we enjoy being a foster family. We are good at it and it suits us.

When asked what her advice to families considering fostering would be, Isobella said “There will be highs and lows. It will be difficult but there will be easier bits too, so it’s up and down like a rollercoaster. When children first arrive its usually difficult but once you push past that it gets better from then onwards.”

If you feel you could make a difference by becoming a fostering family, Brighton & Hove City Council would love to hear from you. To learn more about becoming a Foster Carer e-mail fosteringrecruitment@brightonhove.gov.uk to arrange a call or visit www.fosteringinbrightonandhove.org.uk. The team are holding regular virtual information sessions.

Feb 25

Love0

Fostering – is it the right time for you?

By Iain Boyle Fostering and adoption

Brighton & Hove City Council know that the decision to become a Foster Carer can take years, and a lot of careful thought, consideration and research. Foster Carers have a shared motivation and desire to make a difference but come from a diverse range of backgrounds, and often choose to begin their fostering journey at unique and differing life stages. Many will hold back until the ‘time is right’, so here we look at some of the most common fostering circumstances.

We took early retirement
Martin, 64 and Liz, 60 took early retirement when Martin sold his business, and quickly experienced a “change in lifestyle” and a “growing void”. Martin says “I went from being extremely busy, to finding I had a list of things to do that were quick to complete, leaving me in a void when I’d finished. I missed the challenge of problem solving.”

The couple weren’t ready to take things easy and wanted to take on another challenge. They now enjoy fostering teenagers because it is a “familiar stage of parenting”. Liz says, “It doesn’t seem that long ago that our sons were teenagers” and “having teenagers keeps me young, it’s got me back into real life!”

Martin says, “Teenagers are exploring where they want to go and they’re discovering what they want to do with their life. They’re very interesting to talk to because they’ve got ideas that make you sit up and think maybe they’re right, maybe I’m stuck in my ways. And it’s refreshing!”

The idea of fostering is often dismissed because people believe they are too old, however this is one of the most common myths about who can and can’t become a Foster Carer. There is no official upper age limit for Foster Carers and in fact Brighton & Hove City Council believe older people make excellent carers as they bring life experience to the role.

We don’t have children of our own, but we have plenty of experience to share Sarah, 33, and Gemma, 35, don’t have children of their own, but both worked professionally in childcare roles. They talked about fostering since the day they met, and each grew up with it in their families, so once they had married and settled down they thought “it’s now or never!”

They remember, “Our Assessing Social Worker visited our family and friends, and also our place of work. Having no children of our own, she needed to see how we interacted with children in our care. For extra child care practice, we borrowed our niece and nephew for sleepovers. We were very popular!”

It’s true that you will need some childcare experience to foster, but this does not have to have been gained through parenthood. To gain the childcare experience required, you need to understand how it feels to be fully responsible for a child overnight and on a regular basis.

We wanted to make a difference as a family
Sarah, Stephen and their two children aged 11 and seven began fostering a year ago. Fostering has been a positive experience for them all and Sarah says she is proud of the “wonderful compassion, kindness and maturity” that her children have displayed.

Sarah wanted to be able to spend more time at home, so she reduced her hours to part-time and applied to foster school-aged children. She says “the children love having me around so much more. I love having a busy home and I love having kids around, so fostering felt like the obvious option for us as it means we are able to help other children who are in need.”

Concern about how fostering might impact younger birth children can sometimes hold people back but having other children in the house can often be a considerable advantage. Sarah and Stephen have found that the experience has enhanced their children’s social understanding and empathy and brought them all closer together.

Stephen says, “It has turned out to be one of the best things we have ever done – for the children as well as for Sarah and myself.”

Brighton & Hove City Council ensure there is lots of support in place for the sons and daughters of foster carers. As well as regular day trips and activities, a team of Fostering Support Officers run activities throughout the school holidays which serves not only as an opportunity for birth children to form friendships, but also a well-deserved break for foster carers.

I needed to re-evaluate my life skills and my career path
Dave, 45, gained valuable experience through his 15 year career as a youth worker, but felt the time was right for him to help change the future of one young person at a time. “I loved my job, but I love being a Foster Carer even more. I’ve been able to use my professional experience to help guide the young people in my care.”

Choosing fostering as a career allows you the opportunity to work in a field where you can directly change a child’s life for the better. And for many people, fostering is life-changing not just for the child in care, but for the carer, too.

There are a wide range of professions, such as teaching, nursing, and emergency services that provide the skillsets that can enhance your ability to foster, but that’s not to say that office workers cannot make great foster carers too.

Beverly, 39, felt unfulfilled and unhappy in her role as a sales executive, so took a new direction in life as a foster carer. “I felt sick of feeling like what I was doing wasn’t enough – it all felt very meaningless and I wanted to make a difference.”

She received extensive training to ensure she had the skills and expertise to feel confident in her new role as a Foster Carer. She says, “The training was incredibly thorough and I’ve felt supported at every step”.

It’s important to remember though, that becoming a Foster Carer does not have to mean giving up employment altogether. It’s true that foster carers are expected to be available to care for children, but depending on your circumstances, you can sometimes foster and continue to work flexible part-time or even full-time hours; it just may make a difference to the type of fostering that you can do.

When my children left home, I needed to fill the void
When Nick and Felicity’s children left home, the time felt right for them to make a difference as foster carers.

Felicity reflects “I used to be quite a busy mum but suddenly I didn’t have so much to do with my time. We’ve always had an open house, full of children and I was bought up in that way too. So, when the children left, I thought what am I going to do? I didn’t want to go into retirement because I didn’t feel old enough.”

The couple urge others whose children have headed off to university to consider filling their ‘empty nests’ by becoming foster parents too. “We felt devastated when our son Sam moved to London for university but caring for our seven year old foster daughter has been such a positive experience.”

For some parents, children leaving home is a liberating time, but many find it difficult to adjust to the sudden emptiness and space. Fostering is a great opportunity for people whose own children are moving on in their lives. Felicity says, “I had so much more ‘Mum’ left in me.”

Brighton & Hove City Council Foster Carers foster children and young people in all sorts of difference circumstances. Whether they are retired, looking for a change in career, channelling professional experience into a fostering role, adjusting to life at home without their birth children or wanting to take on fostering as a family, they all share the same desire to make a difference.

If the time is right for you to open up your home to a child in need, Brighton & Hove City Council would love to hear from you.

To learn more about becoming a Foster Carer e-mail fosteringrecruitment@brighton-hove.gov.uk to arrange a call or visit www.fosteringinbrightonandhove.org.uk. The team are holding regular virtual information sessions.

Aug 22

Love0

It’s a family affair

By Iain Boyle family, Finance, Fostering and adoption, Uncategorized

The sons and daughters of foster carers play a vital role in fostering; they contribute hugely towards the success of fostering placements and make a valuable difference to fostered siblings as they settle into their new home.

Fostering is a life changing decision and should be considered and thought about as a family. Sometimes, the perceived impact of fostering on birth children prevents families from finding out more as they feel they need to wait until their children are older, however for many of the families who foster for Brighton & Hove City Council, the experience has been positive and rewarding.

Hannah (12) and Louis (16) have been fostering with their mum and dad for seven years. When they began, aged five and nine, they weren’t sure what to expect but they are now wonderful examples of the compassion, kindness and maturity essential to the success of a fostering placement.

Louis remembers, “It was a really long time ago when we first started – there was a sense of nervousness, but I thought it was exciting. I knew I was looking forward to meeting whoever came to live with us.”

Hannah was much younger when the family’s fostering journey began but remembers getting to know everyone involved in the assessment process. The pair would draw and write about some things they were looking forward to and were encouraged to talk about themselves; their likes, their worries and their hopes.

“Our Assessing Social Worker would sit us down, sometimes with Mum and Dad, sometimes without, and go through the process to make sure we were OK. I remember we had to talk about what we’re like, and they’d tell us what the kids could be like.”

For Louis, the best thing about fostering is the first moments of a child’s arrival into his home. He enjoys talking to them, learning about them and finding out about what they like to do. “I soon found out the foster child we have now really likes playing Mario. I said hey, we have a Wii, do you want to go and play?” Louis says that further down the line it gets even better “because then you really know them. They’ll come up to you and ask hey, do you want to do this or hey do you want to that? It becomes a real connection I guess.”

Hannah has found it hard at times to see children move on, but has a close relationship with her social worker, who visits her frequently; “She’s always there to make sure I am OK and I know the children will be going to a nice home or back to their family.”

Louis says, “If we need to talk, there’s always someone there – we’re never left in the dark.”

The support in place for sons and daughters of foster carers also includes regular day trips and activities. A team of Brighton & Hove City Council Fostering Support Officers run activities throughout all of the school holidays, for birth children and foster children alike. The trips are a treat for the kids, who get an opportunity to form friendships with children in similar circumstances, and a well-deserved break for foster carers.

Louis talks excitedly about one of the most popular trips. “A group of us kids go to Chessington, to have an entire day there, and then we get back for a bit of pizza. There’s loads of activities, be it for foster children, or children like us, so we’re all in included and we have a really fun day out.”

Reflecting on their seven years as a foster family, Hannah and Louis both feel that fostering has bought them closer together.

Hannah says “I feel like it’s definitely made me and my brother a lot closer and it’s definitely made us a lot closer as a family. We talk to each other a lot more now.”

Louis says “It’s taught us to understand and respect others. It’s made me who I am today, not all on my own, I’ve had help from everyone around me, but it’s been really good. I now work in a primary school. It’s my first job. I’ve taken my love of fostering and taken it out into the wider world, looking after 30 kids at an after-school club! It’s definitely made me who I am, and I do what I love and enjoy.”

Fostering younger children with an earlier bedtime means the family can enjoy time together in the evenings, watching a movie or playing a board game. They are keen campers and if it’s not possible for the children in their care to join them on their trips, they call upon respite carers to help. Hannah says, “The children always go to the same respite carer, so they feel comfortable when they go.”

Louis feels that fostering “makes you a better person and brings your family together.” His advice to parents who want to explore fostering but feel unsure how to begin the conversation with their birth children is to “let them know you’re still going to be their mum and dad. Nothing is going to be severely affected, it’s still going to be your family – just with extra people.”

If you feel you could make a difference by becoming a fostering family, you can find further information and details of upcoming information events by visiting
www.fosteringinbrightonandhove.org.uk. Alternatively, please call 01273 295444 to speak directly with a member of the team.