by Aysha Powell, Planted Voices
Picture the scene. You are in a cafe and the waiter asks your child what they would like. Your child, who spent the entire car journey telling you exactly what they wanted, goes completely silent. They bury their face in your arm. You smile apologetically, say something about being shy and order for them. It happens a hundred times in a childhood. Most of us let it pass without a second thought. But those moments matter far more than we realise, because inside each one is a message your child quietly gives themselves about their voice. And once that message takes hold, it is hard to change.
The question parents most often ask me is whether confidence is something a child is born with or something that can be built. The answer, backed by decades of child development research, is unambiguous – it is built. And the most important thing to understand is when. It does not begin at secondary school. It does not begin when a child is asked to present in class. It begins in the earliest conversations, at the kitchen table, in the car, on the way to nursery, long before anyone thinks to call it public speaking.
Communication confidence is not a secondary school subject. It is not a skill we should begin developing at eleven or twelve, when habits of silence and self-doubt are already well established. Research in early childhood development consistently shows that children who are given a voice from a young age, asked for their opinions, listened to with genuine attention and encouraged to express themselves in safe environments, develop significantly stronger communication skills, higher self-esteem and better academic outcomes than those who are not. The gap is visible well before a child reaches primary school.
“Communication confidence is not a secondary school subject. It begins in the earliest conversations, long before anyone thinks to call it public speaking.”
And yet our school system is not designed to develop every child’s voice. Susan Cain’s landmark research in Quiet shows that schools are built overwhelmingly for extroverts. The child who leads every group project and shouts out answers is rewarded. The child who thinks deeply and speaks only when certain is too often overlooked, or labelled as shy, as though that explains everything. The UK Government’s growing investment in oracy, the ability to speak clearly and with confidence, acknowledges something has been missing. Research shows that children who receive explicit communication teaching make measurable gains in literacy, critical thinking and self-confidence. Parents do not need to wait for the curriculum to catch up.
From the moment a child begins to talk, parents are their most important communication teacher, often without realising it. Even a two-year-old who is encouraged to say please and thank you to a stranger is practising something real. The conversations we have at breakfast, how we respond when a child tells us something that matters to them, whether we let them order their own food or do it for them – these are the earliest lessons in whether a voice is worth using. The most effective things parents can do require no specialist training, no expense and very little time.
The most powerful starting point is genuinely listening when your child speaks, not just hearing but responding as though what they have said matters. Ask follow-up questions. Invite opinions on small things – what film shall we watch, what do you think happened there? A child who is regularly asked what they think, and whose answer is received with curiosity rather than correction, learns early that their voice has value. This is where all communication confidence begins, and it can start at three just as easily as at thirteen.
Second, create small, real-world speaking moments and step back. Let your five-year-old hand their library books to the librarian and say thank you. Let your eight-year-old order their own meal at a restaurant. Let your twelve-year-old call to ask about a booking. These micro-moments feel insignificant but they are anything but, because each one builds a child’s evidence that their voice works outside the home. The temptation to step in is natural and kind. Resist it. Give them five seconds. The discomfort is not distress. It is growth.
Finally, look for structured activities in the right environment. Drama, debate, storytelling and public speaking workshops all help, but the setting matters as much as the activity. Large or competitive groups can overwhelm quieter children. Seek out small groups where every child is seen, confidence is built through encouragement rather than evaluation, and the child who speaks last is valued as much as the child who speaks first.
I spent twenty years learning something that could have been natural if someone had started building it when I was small. It is the story of a generation who waited too long. Our children do not have to. The window opens early. Pay attention when it does.
Aysha Powell is a corporate professional and public speaking coach for children, with twenty years of experience in communication-led environments. She works with children across South London, from early years through to secondary school, helping them build the confidence, clarity and courage to find their voice. www.plantedvoices.com @weareplantedvoices
