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Childcare and Nannying

Nov 06
Love0
doula and baby

Doulas – what are they and what benefits do they bring?

By baby health, Childcare and Nannying, Early Years, family
by Jo Slade
Birth and postnatal doula

Imagine being able to look forward to your birth without fear. Or enter motherhood and family life feeling calm and supported. This is exactly what a doula can help you with! In a time where it is so important to seek your own education around pregnancy, childbirth and postnatal care, a doula can be beside you every step of the way.

A birth doula
A birth doula is a non-medical professional, trained to provide support to women and families throughout pregnancy and birth. They will get to know you during your pregnancy, and can provide evidence-based information and antenatal education about what to expect from labour and birth, as well as being on-call to join you when you give birth – whether at home, in hospital or at a birth centre – to provide non-judgemental, practical, and emotional support.

They can be instead of, or in addition to, a birth partner. Someone who is there for you (both), who knows you and what’s important to you, and can give you the confidence to look forward to, plan, and advocate for the birth you want – whether you are aiming for a completely natural experience, a planned caesarean, or something in between!

Studies show that the continuity of care and support that doulas provide can lead to:
• Decreased likelihood of a caesarean or instrumental delivery.
• Increased likelihood of a shorter labour.
• Decrease in use of pain medication.
• Increased likelihood of feeling positive about your experience.
• Decreased likelihood of feeding issues.

A doula can be a great choice for first time mothers and parents – helping to settle nerves and talk about the unknown, but also for subsequent parents, who maybe didn’t have the best experience of birth or the postnatal period the first time around and want to feel more informed and supported going forward.

The average price of a birth doula ranges from £500 to £2000. This depends on your area, the different services offered and the level of experience of the doula.

A postnatal doula
A postnatal doula is professionally trained to provide support to women and families following the birth of their baby. The postnatal period should be a time to slow things down, take time to recover and enjoy your new baby, and although wonderful, it can sometimes feel overwhelming, as it’s all so new!

A doula will visit you at home, support you with adjustment to life with a new baby and give you the confidence to find your own way of mothering and parenting. They can help with:
• Breastfeeding and feeding.
• Holding your newborn so you can rest or have a bath.
• Hearing and chatting about your birth story.
• Light housework.
• Preparing nourishing meals.
• Entertaining older siblings.
• Walking the dog!

The importance of feeling supported and cared for in what is sometimes known as the fourth trimester should never be underestimated – it can have a substantial impact on your health and happiness going forward.

A postnatal doula usually charges by the hour, with a minimum number of hours booked. Hourly rates can range between £15 and £30.

There are birth and postnatal doulas, and many that provide both services. Most doulas offer an initial meeting, either in person or via Zoom, to see whether you are suited to each other, and they will expect you to be meeting with other doulas before you make your decision.

Some reputable online directories you can visit to find a trained doula in your area are:
• The Doula Directory
• Doula UK
• Find My Doula

Investing – time, energy and money – into one of the most important days of your life, and the months following, is a powerful acknowledgement that you are worthy of support.

However, if cost is a prohibitive factor, there may be some funds available. For example, the Doula UK access fund and Doulas Without Borders.

Jo Slade is a birth and postnatal doula. She lives in Brighton and provides doula support to families in many locations across East and West Sussex. For enquiries or to find out more, you can visit her website www.thedoulajoslade.co.uk email: jo@thedoulajoslade.co.uk or call her on 07779 457640

 

Nov 03
Love0
toxic relationships

Toxic families

By Childcare and Nannying, family, Mental health, Relationships, Special support needs, Wellbeing
by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna
psychotherapists and authors of “You’re Not the Problem”

There is no doubt that how we were parented informs and affects how we parent our children. That’s absolutely fine when we grew up in a happy, healthy, ‘good enough’ home, but what about when we grow up in unhealthy, toxic and abusive homes?

The first thing to know is that a lot of people don’t realise they grew up in toxic families, because not only do they think it’s normal, but they also think that if they didn’t like the way their parent treated them it’s because they’re the problem, not the parent. So understanding if you had healthy or toxic parents is the first step.

Signs you had a toxic parent are:
1. You weren’t allowed to say no to them without being shamed or punished.
2. You had to do everything their way because it was the right way.
3. They relied on you too heavily for emotional or practical support (parentification).
4. They use (and still use) guilt to make you do things you don’t want to.
5. You feel scared of them and obliged to do whatever they want –“I don’t have a choice, I have to.”
6. You are either hyper-dependent (people pleaser/codependent) or hyper-independent (don’t let anyone close, prefer to do everything alone, don’t ask for help).

This is not a diagnostic list, but if these sound familiar it might be worth looking up toxic or narcissistic parents.

If you’re aware you have toxic parents, you need to be aware of the common pitfalls that parents fall into when parenting their own children.

1. Taking their child’s no as personal rejection
When we grow up in narcissistic family systems, we inevitably develop a rejection wound, that coupled with the learned understanding that a child shouldn’t say no to their parent, it’s possible that someone could see their child’s rejection of them as a personal affront rather than the child just seeking autonomy and identity. Working on the rejection wound and realising that your child is safe enough to say no to you is an amazing thing, will help you boundary your feelings and stay in your parent role and allow your child to know they are safe to be who they are.

2. Swinging too far the other way
We call this the pendulum swing. When someone is so desperate to protect their child from ever experiencing a moment of what they felt in childhood they do the complete opposite. Unfortunately this can actually have a similar outcome because if a parent who experienced coldness and shaming and ignoring in childhood becomes too involved and hovering and micro managing their child, they can create a dependency in that child, instead of an independency. They also might unintentionally make the child responsible for their feelings by subconsciously letting the child know that mummy or daddy’s happiness depends on their happiness. This in turn can create anxiety and people pleasing in a child.

3. People pleasing your child
So often someone can be so scared of their child having emotions even a touch similar to their own feelings as a child that they will sit in fear of those emotions and try and prevent them at all costs. Especially when there is neurodivergence present and the resulting meltdowns are so hard to cope with. As a result they can end up people pleasing their child in order to prevent being faced with their anger, sadness or disappointment. This isn’t helpful for the child. Children have to learn how to regulate all feelings especially difficult ones, and what they learn through being people pleased out of them is that their emotions can control their parents behaviour (and therefore other people’s too) and/or those emotions aren’t acceptable and need to be hidden to keep their parent happy.

4. Being the parent they needed when they were a child
This is the number one mistake that parents from toxic families make. They become who they needed, essentially re-parenting themselves through their own child, which is not healthy. Your child doesn’t need the parent you needed, they’re not growing up in your environment, they’re growing up in a completely different environment, and are a completely different person. They need the parent they need. Make sure you’re not projecting onto your child a set of feelings and experiences that you had, and they may not be having at all.

When you grow up in a toxic family, there are lots of conditioned beliefs around what’s ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and it’s important to look at your family rules to understand these and choose what you do or don’t want to pass on consciously.

If you recognise yourself in any of these descriptions, first of all, try not to shame yourself. You didn’t know and it’s not your fault. Instead, it’s time to correct it by learning about it, and learning about yourself so you can be the parent you want to be, and your child needs you to be. Whilst we always suggest therapy is the best way to do this, knowing it’s not always accessible for everyone means that using other resources, such as books, podcasts, social media and any other form of learning will help you grow your knowledge, grieve your childhood, and build a better family life for your child and for you.

you're not the problemThe Sunday Times Bestseller “You’re Not the Problem” will help you recognise the language and behaviours of emotional abuse and narcissism in relationships, the immediate and long-term impact of it, practical strategies for healing and how to avoid repeating these behaviours. Buy “You’re Not The Problem” on Amazon and in all major book stores.

Jul 20
Love0
children's mental health

Supporting your child’s mental health

By Childcare and Nannying, Education, Health, Mental health

In the hustle and bustle of raising children, it’s essential to pause and consider their mental wellbeing. Just as we care for their physical health, we must also consider their mental and emotional development.

Childcare experts at Busy Bees have been supporting parents with children’s mental health for over 40 years. Here we’ll explore some practical insights and strategies to help you navigate ways of supporting your child’s mental health.

From recognising signs of emotional wellbeing to implementing effective support mechanisms, our goal is to help families by empowering them with valuable knowledge.

Understanding children’s mental health and emotions
Mastering the skill of regulating emotions can pose challenges for children. Every day they are navigating a whole host of new experiences and situations, and learning to respond and interpret these can be overwhelming. In many cases, it can lead to emotional reactions that they haven’t yet learned to understand.

‘Be Calm’ activities are designed for you to use with your child to support them in learning how to manage strong feelings and emotions. What is most important for children to understand is that their voice matters and with this, any emotions they are feeling are something you can support them with.

‘Be calm’ techniques

Be calm and breathe
These experiences focus on breathing, using breathwork and imagination to reduce feelings of upset, worry or anxiety.

One approach is the ‘Beach Breathing’ technique. Ask your child to close their eyes and imagine they are sitting on a warm, sandy beach. While doing so, invite them to breathe deeply through their nose and then out through their mouth, imagining that their breath is the waves rolling onto the shore. You can support what they are imagining by describing what you can see and hear on your own beach.

Be calm and active
These experiences focus on movement, using parts of their body and experiences to re-direct emotions.

An approach we suggest is a clap it out or stamp it out technique. If they’re feeling strong emotions, encourage your child to clap as fast as they can for 10 seconds. When the time is up, put your hands out in front of you and ask them if they can feel their fingers tingling. Or you could ask your child to stamp their feet as quickly as they can for 10 seconds and ask them what their feet feel like when they’ve stopped.

Be calm and positive
These experiences focus on supporting children’s self-esteem.

My weather report is a method to encourage children to think about how they are feeling today and liken it to the weather, for example, they might be feeling sunny, stormy, calm, or bright.

This technique allows you to explain that even though we can’t change the weather, just as we can’t always change how we are feeling, we can make sure we notice it and understand why, which is important. Sharing how we are feeling with others can make us feel better if we are unhappy or worried.

We have many other methods or experiences you can use with your child to understand their emotional wellbeing and to help educate them about how to manage their emotions.

Other ways to support children’s mental health
As parents, there are many ways you can support your child’s mental health. NHS guidance provides some other examples of techniques to help, which support the notion that we feel strongly about – that every voice matters.

These include:
• Listening to their feelings.
• Staying involved in their interests.
• Taking what they say seriously.
• Supporting them through difficulties.
• Encouraging their interests.
• Building positive routines.

For further information please visit www.busybeeschildcare.co.uk/blog/mental-health

Jul 15
Love0
nursery child

The right nursery for your child

By Childcare and Nannying, Early Years, Mental health, Relationships
by Jo Allen
Dukes Education Group Ltd

As a parent, selecting the right nursery for your child can be a daunting task. With numerous options available, it’s essential to consider various factors to ensure you make the best choice for your little one. Throughout Sussex, parents have a wealth of options when it comes to nurseries. Here’s a comprehensive guide on the key aspects to consider when choosing the right option for your child.

1. Location
The first thing to consider is the location of the nursery. Opting for a nursery that is conveniently located near your home or workplace can make drop-offs and pick ups much easier. It’s also beneficial for your child to attend a nursery within close proximity, as they will feel more familiar with the surrounding area.

2. Reputation and accreditation
Research the reputation of the nursery you’re considering. Look for accreditations such as OFSTED (Office for Standards in Education, Children’s Services and Skills) ratings, which indicate the quality of care and education provided. Additionally, seek recommendations from other parents or online reviews to gain insights into the nursery’s reputation and track record. www.daynurseries.co.uk provide excellent search functionality to be able to narrow down the criteria of the nursery you are looking for, as well as view parent reviews on all aspects of the setting. Google and Facebook reviews are also a great place to start to get a feel for how families see the nursery.

3. Curriculum and learning approach
Explore the nursery’s curriculum and learning approach, to ensure it aligns with your values and expectations. Consider whether the nursery offers a structured learning programme, promotes play-based learning, or focuses on specific educational philosophies such as Montessori or Reggio Emilia. A well-rounded curriculum that caters to both academic and social development is ideal for nurturing young minds.

4. Facilities and resources
Visit the nursery to assess its facilities and resources. Look for clean, safe and stimulating environments that are conducive to learning and exploration. Check if the nursery has age-appropriate toys, books, outdoor play areas and educational materials that cater to your child’s developmental needs.

5. Staff qualifications and ratio
The qualifications and experience of nursery staff play a crucial role in your child’s care and development. Enquire about the staff-to-child ratio to ensure that each child receives adequate attention and supervision. Qualified and compassionate educators who are passionate about early childhood education can significantly impact your child’s learning journey.

6. Inclusivity and diversity
Choose a nursery that celebrates diversity and promotes inclusivity. Look for settings that embrace children from various cultural backgrounds, abilities and family structures. A diverse environment fosters tolerance, empathy and respect, providing valuable learning experiences for children as they interact with peers from different backgrounds.

7. Health and safety measures
Ensure that the nursery adheres to strict health and safety protocols to safeguard your child’s wellbeing. Enquire about policies regarding hygiene, illness management, emergency procedures and security measures. A reputable nursery prioritises the health and safety of its children and implements measures to prevent accidents and illnesses.

8. Communication and parental involvement
Effective communication between the nursery and parents is essential for maintaining a supportive partnership in your child’s early years. Find out how the nursery communicates with parents regarding their child’s progress, daily activities and upcoming events. Look for opportunities for parental involvement, such as parent-teacher meetings, workshops and volunteering opportunities.

9. Flexibility and additional services
Consider the nursery’s flexibility in terms of scheduling options, fees and additional services. Some nurseries offer extended hours, holiday care and extracurricular activities, providing convenience for working parents. Evaluate the cost of tuition, registration fees and any additional charges to ensure they fit within your budget.

10. Gut feeling and child’s comfort
Ultimately, trust your instincts and observe how your child responds to the nursery environment during visits or trial sessions. Pay attention to their comfort level, interactions with staff and peers and overall demeanor. A nurturing and supportive atmosphere where your child feels happy, safe and engaged is paramount in selecting the perfect nursery.

Choosing a nursery is a significant decision that requires careful consideration and research. By evaluating factors such as location, reputation, curriculum, facilities, staff qualifications, inclusivity, health and safety measures, communication, flexibility and your child’s comfort, you can make an informed choice that sets the foundation for your child’s early education in what are the most crucial years of their lives for development, building confidence and setting them up for their futures.

To discuss opportunities at our nurseries in Sussex and to book a tour, please contact your chosen setting directly. For Reflections Nursery and Forest School in Worthing, call 01903 251518 or visit www.reflectionsnurseries.co.uk. For Hove Village nurseries in Brighton and Hove, call 01273 037449 or visit www.hovevillage.com

Mar 10
Love0
ok not to be OK

It’s OK not to be OK

By Childcare and Nannying, family, Mental health, Relationships
by Katie Gowers Watts
‘Diary of a Warent’ blogger

When maternity leave ends, returning to work is an emotional tug-of-war.

diary of a warentMining for diamonds
As maternity leave draws to a close, I find myself emotionally lost, once again. In so many ways I’m looking forward to the return of my professional self, excitedly daydreaming about super-stardom and frankly, ‘being a somebody’. But on the other hand, it hurts.

We’re all familiar with the autopilot words of independent women, the world over. “I’m so ready to get back to work” and “Bring on adult conversations at last”. As for me, my grit and determination shine brightly, but hidden in the shadows of my ambition, is an undeniable anxiety.

Parenting is like mining for diamonds. On average, you need to move 250 tons of earth to find a single carat of diamond. But when you do, you have something indestructibly beautiful. Raising children, through blood, sweat and tears, you’ll deal with 250 tons of sh*t (literal and metaphorical) but the beauty you unearth is like nothing else. It’s invaluable.

It’ll be over when it’s over
Firstly, when this ‘baby phase’ is over, I know I’ll miss it for all time. It’s why almost every parent in the history of parenting says, “They grow up too fast” and “Cherish every moment”.

Secondly, my husband and I are unlikely to have any more children. And so, when maternity leave ends this time around, it ends forever. I’ve been silently dreading it for months.

I doubt that we can ever have too many diamonds, but we can definitely run out of energy and time for another 250 ton dig.

Run for it
Thirdly, whilst I have thankfully rediscovered my sense of self (which can elude you for a while after having a baby), I’m worried that other people’s perceptions of me may have changed. Like ‘buggering off to have a baby’ makes me seem professionally incompetent.

In the early years of senior school, I was roped into running the 800m race on sports day and you had better believe I wanted to win. On the day, with my friends and school-house cheering me on from the sidelines, I ran like the wind – until the last 100m. I realised that my friends, my confidence in human form, were together, united in the crowd – and I was out on the track, all alone. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I buckled and deliberately dropped from 1st to 4th place, afraid to take the podium alone.

Almost 30 years later, going back to work carries a similar irrationality. I want to win, so badly! But my team, my confidence in human form, is now the family I have created at home. And I find myself back at the start line, feeling exposed and vulnerable once again.

Warenting is a competitive sport
Put your hand up if you’ve ever encountered one of those delightful people who brag about giving birth ‘naturally’, probably without pain relief, in a bid to out-birth others? To ‘win’ at giving birth. A fine example of how unanimously irritating one-upmanship can be. Let’s keep it real – if you have given birth, then your body either (painfully) contracted and stretched in ways that don’t seem humanly possible, was (painfully) torn apart from the inside out, or was (painfully) sliced open and stitched back together again. As my midwife once told me, “There is no easy way to get a baby out”. So, however you did it, ‘fist bump’ to you.

Dads, you are credited with 0.011% of the workload. Thanks for your help. (little in-joke there for my husband!)

Warenting is a competitive sport. I have known plenty of women throughout the course of my career, who proudly flaunt the brevity of their maternity leave. They wear it like a medal of honour. “Oh, I only took (*insert short amount of time) off work. I couldn’t wait to get back to the grind” and, “I was responding to work emails from my hospital bed, like 10 seconds after giving birth”. If that’s you, then good for you, I get it. But it’s not me.

Emotional dumbbells
Why do we view physical pain as strength, yet emotional pain as weakness? Since our struggles are such a heavy weight to bear, perhaps we could think of them as emotional dumbbells. The more we lift, the stronger we become.

So, yes I want a badass career, but no, I don’t want to leave my kids. Yes, I want professional success in abundance, but no, I don’t want to sacrifice meaningful parenting moments. Yes, I want to stretch my maternity leave for a while longer, but no, I haven’t lost my ambition.

What I want to say, to shout even, is, “I don’t want to be at work instead of being with my baby. But also, I do want to be at work, absolutely bossing it”.

It’s OK not to be OK
Some of us are wrongly programmed to feel as though admission of our struggles is an admission of guilt. Like it’s telling people we’re not strong enough, not good enough. And as we all know, there’s only one solution…

I’ve turned it off and back on again, and instead of pretending that I don’t give a hoot about something I find painful at times, I’m acknowledging it.

Because as a mother, it is my right to feel this way. And it’ll be OK. Because it’s OK not to be OK.

You can read the full version of It’s OK not to be OK’ and additional ‘warenting’ blogs

written by Katie, at www.diaryofawarent.com

Mar 01
Love0
nursery-kids government childcare funding

Nursery fees and funding in 2024

By Childcare and Nannying, Finance
by Ben Murray
Dukes Education Group Ltd

As a parent of young children, nursery fees are often one of the most expensive outgoings of the household; in many cases as much as or more than rent or mortgage payments. The subject of funding for Early Years care and education seems to be a hot topic of conversation for many successive Governments. However, proposed significant changes in 2024 look to finally signal a package of benefits for parents paying for childcare, which better responds to the realities of this considerable cost. Although the reforms are not perfect, this year and next we should see eligibility extend to more families than ever and a saving in real terms on nursery fees. This, at a time where every other cost is increasing, can only mean a bit of relief for working families.

What does eligibility look like currently?
Some two year olds can get up to 15 hours of free childcare per week for 38 weeks of the year. This adds up to 570 hours over the year, however, for nurseries that are open for 51/52 weeks of the year that same number of hours can be ‘stretched’. In reality, this means that for nurseries that operate all year round, your child’s 15 hours of free childcare becomes more like just over 11 hours of free childcare each week. Current eligibility for funding for two year olds is linked to household income and generally applies if your household receives other forms of Government support.

The term ‘free’ has also been a topic of debate with the current levels of funding, as the Government contribution covers the cost of care in ratios of 1:4 for two year olds. Most nurseries will then charge parents an additional fee for elements of their proposition that extend above the staffing costs, such as meals, extracurricular activities, trips, clubs, consumables and supplies. These elements may otherwise be included in the full fee without funding.

All three and four year olds are entitled to 15 hours of free childcare each week for 38 weeks a year, which can be stretched, the same way as two year olds funding, depending on the childcare provider. You do not need to apply for this funding as registered nurseries will do so on your behalf and apply this to your nursery fee invoice.

In addition to this, eligible working families with three and four year olds can receive an extra 15 hours of funding, up to 30 hours of free childcare in total each week. Again, this is available over 38 weeks a year so may need to be stretched to cover your child’s place if attending a nursery all year round, meaning just over 22 hours of funded childcare can be used each week.

What proposed changes are coming into place in 2024?
From April 2024, the entitlement to 15 hours of free childcare for two year olds is expected to extend to include eligible working families, not just those that generally receive other forms of Government support.

The term ‘working families’ has attracted Government criticism due to the thresholds at which the funding applies. We currently understand this to be, working parents who individually earn more than £8,670 (from April 2023) but less than £100,000 per year are those that are eligible.

If you’re in a couple, the rules apply to both of you, so you must both earn at least £8,670 and neither one of you can earn more than £100,000. (Taken from https://educationhub.blog.gov.uk/2023/07/07/free-childcare-how-we-tackling-the-cost-of-childcare/)

This means that the accepted maximum household income to be eligible for the new funding is almost double if you are a two parent household, than that of a single parent household. Many high-profile voices within the Early Years sector are currently challenging the Government on this decision.

From September 2024, this same entitlement is proposed to apply to parents of children from nine months old, which is a huge step forward to support parents back to work and the first time that some of the youngest children have become eligible for funding.

The next phase of changes takes place in September 2025, where eligible working parents of all children over the age of nine months will be entitled to 30 hours of childcare each week.

Like the existing offer, depending on your provider these hours can be used over 38 weeks of the year or up to 51/52 weeks totalling 1,140 hours in the year.

Where can I check my eligibility?
The Government’s ‘Childcare Choices’ website features a handy calculator which details the exact level of support your family will receive, and how to access it. This can be found at www.childcarechoices.gov.uk and provides information on current and upcoming entitlements for 15 and 30 hours free childcare.

To support your application for 15 and 30 hours free childcare and access your unique code which you will need to claim the entitlement, you can enter your details at www.childcarechoices.gov.uk/how-to-apply-for-30-hours-childcare/ where the step-by-step guide will detail what you need to do.

Your chosen nursery should now be in a good place to provide details on the cost of childcare within the new entitlements, detailing the levels of funding that can be accessed as well as any additional charges.

It is important to remember that childcare providers may administer the funding in a variety of different ways which can sometimes make comparing nurseries on cost more difficult. The best way to do this will be to ask the setting for fees payable for a full-time place with and without funding, and a place for the exact amount of hours/days you require with and without funding. This will give you a much clearer picture about the actual fees you will be paying each month and how the nursery has applied the 15 or 30 hours entitlements.

To discuss early years funding at our nurseries in Sussex and to book a tour, please contact your chosen setting directly. For Reflections Nursery and Forest School in Worthing, call 01903 251518 or visit www.reflectionsnurseries.co.uk. For Hove Village nurseries in Brighton and Hove, call 01273 037449 or visit www.hovevillage.com

To discuss early years funding at Riverside Nursery Schools in Surrey and to book a tour, please call 020 3475 0455 or visit www.riversidenurseryschools.com

Nov 26
Love0
defiant toddler

Teaching your child boundaries

By Childcare and Nannying, children's health, Education, family, Mental health, Relationships, Special support needs
by Michelle Elman
Author, How to Say No

You will remember a time in your child’s life when “no” was their favourite word but as a child hits three to four years old, saying “no”, getting their needs met and communicating how they feel, gets a little bit more complicated. They start to develop Theory of Mind which means they start to get an awareness of the fact that not only can they think, but other people think too. Over time, this realisation turns into the knowledge that if someone can think, then they can think about you and they can also think badly about you.

As adults, you will understand that your own boundaries are usually in conflict with caring what people think, and children also suffer with the same issue, especially when popularity, fitting in and being liked by their peer group is such a high priority. This is where it is important to emphasis the need to keep boundaries in their vocabulary, starting with the simplest and first boundary we all learn – the word ‘no’.

As we all know, children don’t do as you say, they do as you do and therefore practising boundaries yourself is the best place to start to be an example to your children. Learning boundaries isn’t just something you should do for your children though, it can positively impact your life in many ways – from self-esteem, to protecting yourself from burnout, to reprioritising your need for rest and looking after your body. As much as children might struggle to do what you say, if you create an environment where everyone feels listened to, they often start to listen to you more too, if they feel heard themselves.

The word “no” is crucial to understanding how you feel, what you want and it also means that your “yes” has more power. If “yes” is the only word you can use, then that’s the default and your life becomes filled with meeting everyone else’s needs and demands. As much as a child using the word “no” may make your life more difficult as a parent, it’s important to understand that it’s a crucial skill as they grow up and become adults.

We want to foster a sense of independence and knowing how to communicate well, even if they still need to comply with the rules of the household or school. When they set a boundary that is simply not feasible, for example, staying at home alone because they don’t want to attend a family friend’s party, then you are still able to congratulate them on communicating their needs, expressing their boundaries and making them feel heard, listened to and respected.

If you lead with empathy, you are treating them with the respect you would with any adult who has their full autonomy and freedom to make their own decisions. I’m sure you’ve had evenings where you’ve not wanted to attend an event that you previously were looking forward to or there are times as an adult, you just want to be left at home alone to enjoy your solitude. For your child though, that might be unsafe and therefore communicating that to them, not only gives them respect but understanding as to the decision making process.

Saying something like “I know you don’t want to come tonight. I know you are tired and I wouldn’t want to come too if I had as long a week as you have. I can’t find anyone to stay with you last minute though and I do not feel comfortable leaving you at home alone so for your safety, you will have to come with us”. When you come from a empathetic standpoint, you can understand why a child wouldn’t want to go to a grown-up party where they have little in common with the people there, and it is easier to come up with a compromise, for example, “If you would like some alone time though, why don’t you bring a book and we can find a room where you can be by yourself while all the adults are talking?”

Teaching boundaries is also about teaching your children to respect other people’s boundaries so when you set rules about behaviour, make sure you echo the reverse. For example, if they don’t want their siblings barging into their room, then they also have to lHow to say noisten when their siblings say no to them entering their room. Emphasising that we also want to respect other people’s boundaries and giving them the language around boundaries is also really helpful. A boundary might not always sound like the word “no”, it can be “That doesn’t work for me”, or “I don’t like the sound of that,” and when you understand that this is someone conveying their boundaries, not only do they have phrases to listen out for but they have the same phrases they can use themselves.

‘How To Say No’ released by Puffin, is available now.

Nov 08
Love0
Adult Carers Week

Unpaid carers and their rights

By Childcare and Nannying, Legal, Relationships, Work employment
by Barbara Cormie
Marketing and Communications Manager, Action for Carers Surrey

Life as an unpaid carer can be tough – but it’s even tougher if you’re not aware of the rights you’re entitled to. The UK has nearly 10 million people in a caring role – people that are helping a relative or friend who is disabled, frail, or unwell, who couldn’t manage without this support.

People can become carers overnight, or can only realise they are carers over time, as a partner or parent’s health declines. And some people never know a life that’s not caring, as they are born with a disabled brother or sister.

carer adviceAlthough it can be rewarding, and deepen relationships, caring can also be extremely hard, and will often affect someone practically, socially, emotionally, and financially.

Statutory rights
But here in the UK there is some understanding of what a carer’s role entails, and in theory – there is statutory support for unpaid carers, and a number of rights which should help make lives easier.

Your rights include the right to a Carers’ Assessment, the right not to be discriminated against, and employment rights.

So what exactly are my rights?

The right to a carers assessment
Under the Care Act 2014, adult carers have the right to an assessment by their council, of their caring role, and to be provided with the financial and practical support they are found to need. The assessment should include finding out whether the carer is able – and willing – to care, as well as the affect on their wellbeing, and their access to work, study and recreation.

And under the Children Act 1989 and the Children and Families Act 2014, there is a requirement for councils to similarly assess the needs of parent carers of disabled children under 18. And under the same Acts, children themselves under 18 who are carers, have the right to an assessment, which looks at the impact of caring, and whether the young person wishes to continue caring, and if it’s appropriate for them to do so.

advisor chatYour employment rights
If you’re a carer juggling work with your caring role, then you also have employment rights. This includes the right to request flexible working.

And just this year, the Carers Leave Act was passed, meaning that from a yet undefined date in 2024, all carers will now have the right to up a week of unpaid carers leave. (The right to request some leave, was previously only available to certain qualifying employees.)

It is also worth checking your contract as increasingly employers are recognising the value of supporting carers in their workforce and you might find that you are offered more generous terms.

The Equality Act
In the UK people have protection from discrimination in employment, in education and when receiving services. You are protected from being discriminated against on the basis of various ‘protected characteristics’, one of which is disability.

So this means, a carer cannot be discriminated against on the basis of their ‘association’ with a disabled person. For example, if you were verbally abused by a shop assistant about your child’s mental health condition, then potentially you would have been discriminated against under the Act.

The Government, working with CAB’s guide: ‘The Equality Act: What do I need to know as a carer?’ talks through the Act, different situations, and how you might take action if you think you have been discriminated against.

Further information on rights
National charity, Carers UK, have lots of in-depth information on your rights. www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/what-are-your-rights-as-a-carer

Carer Rights Day
To raise awareness of carers’ rights and entitlements, the annual Carers Rights Day helps carers get the support they need – and this year it’s on Thursday 23rd November. So look out for events near you to help you find out more.

If you are in Surrey, please consider coming along to one of charity Action for Carers 10 Information Fairs, being held across the county, between 20-25th November. Action for Carers and many other charities and organisations will be there, offering advice and information about your rights, and caring generally. Fairs are ‘drop in’ and free. Visit www.actionforcarers.org.uk/news/fairs-for-surreys-carers-marking-carers-rights-day-2023 to find out more.

Don’t struggle on alone
Try and find out what you are entitled to, and if you need any help, please give your local carers organisation a call.

Barbara Cormie is Marketing and Communications Manager for Action for Carers Surrey. Action for Carers are a charity supporting Surrey’s unpaid carers aged 5-95, with advice, information, free events and more. Visit www.actionforcarers.org.uk, or call the Helpline on 0303 040 1234 for more information.

Nov 07
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first pregnancy

What makes for an effective birth preparation class?

By Childcare and Nannying, Education, First Aid, prenancy
by Jackie Whitford
www.birth-wise.co.uk

Are you expecting your first baby, or maybe wanting different advice or a different approach for your second or subsequent labour? Well, today you may well be spoiled (or confused) by the many choices and types of class and content on offer. Remember, the cost of the course does not necessarily reflect the quality of that course.

Let’s look at some of what’s available to you:

One day preparation courses
You should be offered an antenatal session (usually a day at a weekend) where you and your partner can attend your hospital’s approved preparation programme. This is usually run by midwives or health care assistants and will cover the physiology of labour, pain relief, breastfeeding, hospital policy and practice, including their policy on induction of labour.

Pros – you will have all the essential practical information and be aware of what to expect of the midwifery service in that hospital from a trained midwife’s or health care professional’s perspective. If you are planning to give birth in hospital, attending their prep session is a good idea – they are also free.

Cons – There may be many expectant parents attending. A lot of information is provided over five plus hours which may be hard to take in, or reflect upon, and discuss within the one day course. There is little chance to establish friendships with other parents-to-be.

Online courses
These are usually promoting a particular approach to labour and birth, and teach to a prescribed set of exercises and labour skills for those keen to have a ‘natural’ birth. Typically these preparation courses are based on hypnobirthing theory as originally devised by the American hypnotherapist Marie Mongan, although a number of British variations to the original programme have evolved.

Pros – Obviously convenience. You can go through the sessions at a time to suit yourself and at your own pace, repeating content if necessary.

Cons – You are unlikely to form local friendships this way. The quality of what is on offer is variable, as is the cost, and there is little or no opportunity for group discussion or any variation to the programme.

Weekly preparation for birth and parenthood courses
These weekly classes (usually two plus hours each class for five or six weeks) are offered from about 32 weeks pregnancy and are a very popular choice for pregnant women.

Each class covers specific topics, with time for discussion and practise of skills taught. Comprehensive weekly classes were started in the l950s by The NCT, although today many independent childbirth teachers offer weekly preparation classes. Women are encouraged to bring their (birth) partners to some or all of the sessions. Course content can vary, according to the affiliation and background of the teacher but should cover physiological labour and self-help skills, pain relief, medical interventions, breastfeeding and early parenthood. Numbers in these classes can be anything from two or three couples to up to 12. Most courses will also hold a postnatal get together when all the babies have arrived.

Pros – This is a more relaxed form of preparation with time to revisit, discuss and practise helpful exercises to assist labour and birth. A good class will take time to share and explore hopes and fears amongst class members. Latest independent research and books can be discussed so that women can feel informed, empowered and in a position to decide what is right for them. Very importantly, usually a strong support and friendship group develops which will be of huge benefit in the early days of parenthood and in many cases lasts for years.

Cons – These classes are usually held in the evenings when you may be tired and also you may not gel with the other women/parents in the group, especially if the group is very small. Also, few NCT classes teach hypnobirthing (which is a programme in itself).

So what else to consider in choosing your antenatal class?
What makes a good teacher? Good antenatal teachers do not emerge from just one place or profession. In fact some of the best teachers of the last 50 years have come from other backgrounds other than midwifery – teaching, hypnotherapy, physiotherapy, anthropology and especially women who have had personal experiences of positive birthing. It is wise to look into the background and relevant experience of your teacher before committing to a particular class – hopefully they will tick several boxes. Antenatal teaching qualifications are not regulated and some ‘would be’ teachers will offer classes after completing just a weekend training course, which issued some certification for paying and attending the course. Recommendations from friends are always a good idea.

In my experience, good antenatal teachers have a real enthusiasm and passion for their subject. They will have a firm belief in the innate ability of women to birth their babies and will spend time and practise teaching skills to aid this. They will also explore variations, special circumstances and medical practices and personal choices so you can work towards the birth you want. The class you choose should equip you for a positive birth however your baby arrives.

Jackie Whitford runs Birth Wise classes in Lewes and Henfield.

For further details please visit www.birth-wise.co.uk

Nov 05
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foster family

Fostering as a family

By Childcare and Nannying, Fostering and adoption, fun for children, Mental health, Special support needs

The sons and daughters of foster carers play a vital role in fostering; they contribute hugely towards the success of fostering placements and make a valuable difference to fostered siblings as they settle into their new home. Fostering is a life changing decision and should be considered and thought about as a family.

Sometimes, the perceived impact of fostering on birth children prevents families from finding out more as they feel they need to wait until their children are older. However, for many of the families who foster for Brighton & Hove City Council, the experience has been positive and rewarding.

We asked foster carer Felicia to tell us about the role her children play in their fostering family. “Becoming a fostering family was a big step for the whole family, but becoming foster siblings was particularly special for our birth children.

At the start of our journey, I knew I wanted to foster children, but it was something that we had never approached as a family. It was important for us to ensure that we involved our birth children from the very start, to ensure they were happy with the changes and the roles they would take on. Our children were keen from the start. We love a busy house and the joy that many children bring to it. The more the merrier! We ensured that the children were also aware of the difficulties that they may face such as sharing their parents with more children and the sense of loss that they may feel when foster children moved on to their forever homes. It was important for them to have a transparent view of fostering, as well as to understand the joy and the challenges that may lie ahead. The children were involved throughout the assessment process, speaking with assessing social workers and meeting other birth children. They continued to express that they were keen to start fostering.

Five years on as a fostering family and I am truly proud of the difference that our birth children make to the foster children who come into our care. They welcome the children when they first come to our home and help to find toys to play with and make the children feel part of our family. Our children have demonstrated kindness, calmness and understanding towards children who have needed our support. As a fostering family of babies and toddlers, our birth children have been involved in helping our foster children meet many milestones.They have helped children learn to crawl, to walk, to talk and encouraged them with love and praise when they learn new things.The immediate instinct they show to comfort children when they are upset or unsettled is wonderful to see, as well as extending this kindness to other people around them.

We take regular opportunities to check that our children are happy to continue our fostering journey and every time we get a resounding yes!

Our birth children love to keep in touch with the children we foster when they move into their forever homes, where this is appropriate. It’s an honour and a privilege to continue in these children’s lives and see the bond between the children as they grow.”

We also asked foster carer Stella about the impact fostering has had on her children. “Our children have turned out to be very empathetic and sympathetic young people because they know that not all children and young people have a happy upbringing. This includes basic needs like having a clean, well-equipped house and a happy family home where they feel safe and wanted.

They have both grown up to be young people who are kind, just to be kind, not because they think they will get something in return.

They continue to constantly and consistently show the children we care for unconditional love and go out of their way to make the children feel that they belong in our family.

They have never complained about having to share their home, their holidays, their parents, their possessions, and their experiences with other children. People around us always tell us how kind, polite, empathetic, gentle and loving our children are, and we feel that as well as their happy upbringing, fostering has enhanced these qualities.

They have a great appreciation of having been part of a close, happy, secure, positive and encouraging family and we feel that this will continue when they themselves become parents.

We feel that they have learned skills and become people who will go on to become lovely parents themselves.”

Every day the children of foster carers welcome other children into their homes and their lives. They strive to make young people in care feel safe, happy and loved, and ensure that they can thrive. Fostering involves the whole family and the contribution of sons and daughters is vital.

If you have room in your heart and home to foster, the Brighton & Hove Fostering Team are keen to hear from you. They need foster carers from all walks of life, those with children of their own, and those without.

Visit www.fosteringinbrightonandhove.org.uk for more information or e-mail fosteringrecruitment@brighton-hove.gov.uk to find out about upcoming online information sessions.

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