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Mar 26
Love0
exam stree

Exam stress

By Education, Mental health
by Edmond Chan
Childline Practitioner

As we begin to welcome in the spring, the lighter evenings and warmer weather, as parents of school-age children, we also start to usher in exam season – a period which can bring with it anxiety and worry for parents and children alike.

Older children can sometimes be a bit more accustomed to the process of revision and exam preparation. But for children at primary school about to do their SATs, it’s often the first time they’ve experienced the examination process, and it can feel very daunting.

One 11-year-old girl* who contacted Childline told counsellors: “I’m stressing out about taking my SATs. It’s a lot of pressure and I worry I’ll be in the bottom set. My older siblings didn’t have to take them because of COVID. I feel like nobody understands or listens to me.”

Exams can be extremely stressful for children and cause them a lot of worry and anxiety. But there are some simple things you can do to support them and help them prepare.

Before the exam, you can help them take control by designing a revision plan together and building time for relaxation into it. If you’re not sure where to start, the BBC Bitesize revision planner can help you: www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/articles/zn3497h

It’s important to remove any distractions so they can focus on their revision. Make sure they put their phone away and turn off the TV during their revision sessions to aid their concentration. You could even offer screen-time as a reward for revision time.

A good night’s sleep is really important, so make sure they go to bed early to get some rest the night before an exam. This will help them more than revising all night. And don’t forget to set your alarm to get them up and ready for school in plenty of time.

On the day of the exam, it can help to try and stay positive. Remind them all they can do is try their best. If they’re worried, they could try watching some funny clips on YouTube – laughing could help them feel less stressed.

They might say they don’t feel like eating, but ensuring they eat a good breakfast before they leave the house will help them feel energised and improve their focus. Drinking lots of water to stay hydrated is vital too, and if they start to feel stressed or anxious, suggest they try taking deep, slow, calming breaths in through their nose and out through their mouth.

During the exam it’s important they read the instructions on the paper before they start and ask if they’re not sure about anything. Remind them to take a moment to read the question and a few seconds to breathe before they start writing anything, to help them gather their thoughts.

If there’s a choice of questions, it might be best to start on the ones they know they can answer best, leaving some time to read over the answers at the end. If they get stuck, suggest they move onto a question that they can answer better.

When a child is worried, one of the most important things they can do is to talk about how they’re feeling. Talking can reduce the pressure and help them to feel more in control, so remind them they can come and talk to you about any worries they have. But if they find that difficult, they can talk to Childline, free and in confidence.

Children and young people can call 0800 1111 to speak to a trained volunteer counsellor over the phone or visit www.childline.org.uk to chat online using our 1-2-1 service.

You can find lots more advice and practical tips on the Childline website www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/school-college-and-work.

*Snapshots are based on real Childline service users but are not necessarily direct quotes. All names and potentially identifying details have been changed to protect the identity of the child or young person involved.

 

Mar 21
Love0
happy mum ADHD

Five survival tips for an ADHD parent

By Mental health, Relationships, special educational needs
by Alex Partridge author and host of the ADHD Chatter podcast

As someone with ADHD, I know it enables me to do amazing things, but I also know it also holds me back in some areas. If you’re a neurodiverse parent, parenting forces you into those areas where ADHDers often struggle, such as organisation, planning and consistency.

With this in mind, here are five tips that I’ve put together with help from other ADHD mums and dads to help you survive the amazing, wonderful, challenging roller-coaster that is parenting.

1. Make sure your ADHD is well-managed
Having a baby to care for means the scaffolding we ADHDers put around us to keep stable can be in danger of becoming wobbly. You may need to add reinforcements, such as hiring a cleaner so you don’t have to think about housework as well as a baby.

You may also need to make adjustments to your daily routine so you can remain by your baby’s side. Instead of jogging outside, for example, you could exercise inside with the help of a YouTube video. If meditation is something you use to keep yourself stable, you may need to do it during the unpredictable moments of silence throughout the day, rather than your usual set time.

2. Protect your slots
Parenting author Kirsti Hadley shared a brilliant analogy with me, where you imagine that all humans have a cognitive load consisting of five slots. When we encounter something that puts a demand on us, one of the slots gets filled.

A neurotypical parent’s slots will fill up with demands such as: I need to change my baby’s nappy, I need to prepare my baby’s food, I need to give my baby some medication, I need to buy my baby new shoes or let’s plan a nice weekend trip away with my baby.

However, a neurodivergent parent’s slots will fill up with demands or questions such as: My baby’s screams are over-stimulating me, I need to remember the travel directions to the nursery, where did I put my car keys?, what will the other parents think of me? or I haven’t drunk any water today. Our slots get filled up much quicker because a lot of the demands that come with parenting are high ‘executive function’ demands.

The early stages of parenting put a lot of extra demand on our brains so it’s vital we protect our slots, especially in the early days. To do this, I’d advise asking for help – this automatically doubles your available slots! I’d also suggest prioritising social encounters that matter to you and declining ones that don’t.

3. Establish a structure
The word ‘routine’ sends a shiver down my spine, but it’s important to try to establish a structure that works for you. Use any quiet time in the evenings to plan the next day. What will your child be wearing? Where will they need to go?

An ADHD brain comes alive as the day progresses. Take advantage of your ‘evening’ brain by using it to plan the morning activities. There will also be fewer demands on you in the evening as the world is winding down, so there’s less chance of you being interrupted.

4. Don’t feel ashamed of screens
There’s a lot of shame surrounding children’s use of screens for entertainment, especially on social media, but it’s especially important for neurodivergent parents to ignore this narrative.

Back when we lived in tribes in small villages, parents had help looking after their children. These days, a lot of parents are left alone to do the job, so we should never feel guilty about using modern technology to help us create our own village. Having a moment to recharge your cognitive batteries will be beneficial to you, your mental health and your child.

5. Find time for you
This is important for every parent, but especially for neurodiverse ones. To help do this, use the anagram WEBS: W: Walk (go for a walk). E: Early morning routine (create a morning routine that includes solitude). B: Baths (have a hot bath in the evening). S: Stretch (incorporate stretching in your day when possible).

Every part of WEBS can be as big or as little as your time allows. A walk could be as simply as pacing the length of your kitchen a couple of times. A stretch could simply involve making the movement of picking something up from the floor more intentional.

It’s the intention that really matters, and that is to create a moment, no matter how small, where you can focus on nothing but the moment and relax. These little moments are really important because they provide a pause between the demands of parenthood and therefore help to minimise any overwhelming feelings.

What all these tips have in common is creating a parenting structure that works for you and your child, which doesn’t have to be one that follows conventional norms. When we stop thinking the ‘traditional’ way is the right way, we can begin to make simple accommodations within our neurodiverse households that will make for a happier environment – and much happier parents and children.

Alex Partridge is the founder of LADBible and UNILAD and the host of the ADHD Chatter podcast. His book Now It All Makes Sense: How An ADHD Diagnosis Brought Clarity To My Life is out now, published by Sheldon Press, priced £16.99.now it all amkes sense

 

Mar 19
Love0
child-feel-heard

Five tips to help your child feel heard

By Childcare and Nannying, Early Years, Language, Mental health
by Dr Naveen Puri
Medical Director, Bupa UK

1. Listen actively
It’s easy to overlook your children’s problems, especially when you’re busy or having a tough day. However, it’s important for them to know you’re ready to listen. Make sure to listen to your child without interrupting. Show that you value their thoughts by giving them your full attention, maintain eye contact, nod and respond to show you’re engaged.

This will help build trust and reassure them to share their feelings and challenges with you as they grow up.

2. Create a safe space
Look for chances to talk together. Sometimes, having a face-to-face conversation can be tough, so chatting while on a walk or during a car ride can make it easier as you’re not facing each other.

Remind them regularly that they can talk to you about anything, no matter how difficult, and that you won’t judge or blame them. Your child may not be ready to discuss something right away, so let them know you’re there to listen whenever they feel ready.

3. Look for clues in their play
When children become upset or stressed, they may show their feelings through play rather than words. For example, if your child is play fighting with their toys, don’t be afraid to call it out in a non-judgemental way, by saying things such as “There seems to be a lot of fighting today” or “That looks pretty scary”. This can encourage them to talk about what’s bothering them.

Don’t be discouraged if this doesn’t start a conversation. Having you around may help them feel more comfortable and make it easier for them to share their problems when they feel ready.

4. Use simple language
Talking about different feelings with your child is helpful for their emotional development. By using simple language, you can help them understand and express their emotions better.

Here are a few things to consider:
• Use clear emotion words
Stick to basic words like ’happy’, ‘sad’, ‘cross’ and ‘worried’. This helps your child easily identify and relate to their feelings.
• Label their emotions
When you notice your child expressing an emotion, it can be useful to help label it for them. For example, if they appear to be upset or crying, say, “You look sad”. This shows them that you understand what they are feeling and helps them learn to recognise their emotions.
• Encourage open questions
Ask open-ended questions that prompt your child to share their feelings. Instead of asking “Did you have a good day?” try, “What made you happy today?” This encourages them to think about their emotions and express themselves more fully.
• Share your own feelings
Healthily show your child that you feel emotions too. For example, say, “I felt worried this morning when I couldn’t find my car keys as I didn’t want you to be late for school.” This normalises talking about emotions and reinforces that it’s OK to be open about your feelings.

5. Acknowledge your child’s feelings
Even if you don’t fully understand what they’re going through, it’s essential to validate your child’s emotions and support their development. Here’s how and why this is beneficial:
• Recognising complex emotions
Experiencing a wide range of emotions can be overwhelming for your child. Whether it’s frustration over a difficult homework assignment or sadness after a disagreeing with a friend, try to recognise these feeling and help them understand that it’s OK to feel them. Reassure them by saying things like, “I see that you’re feeling upset about this” to show them that their feelings are valid and worthy of attention.
• Normalising emotions
Letting your child know that it’s normal to have different emotions helps them feel less alone. They may worry that their feelings are unusual or that they shouldn’t feel a certain way. Validate all their emotions by letting them know it’s OK to feel whatever they’re feeling, and that everyone has a range of emotions. This can reduce anxiety about their feelings and encourage them to express themselves more freely.
• Building trust and respect
Acknowledging and respecting your child’s behaviour helps them to learn that you take their feelings seriously. For example, saying something like, “I understand why you’re feeling this way, it makes sense”, reinforces that you value their views and what could be troubling them. This can help strengthen the bond between you both.

It’s also important to take a moment for yourself and reflect on your own feelings. Make time for activities you enjoy, spend quality moments with your child and keep a positive outlook. If things become difficult for you to cope with, remember to stay connected to people you trust. You may find it easier to speak to a health professional if you find it difficult to open up to those close to you.

For further information from Dr Naveen Puri, Bupa Medical Director please visit www.bupa.co.uk/health-information/health-blog/author-profile/m-p/naveen-puri

Mar 15
Love0
lonely sad boy

Thousands of lonely children turn to Childline for help and support

By Childcare and Nannying, Mental health, Relationships, Wellbeing

In 2023/24 the NSPCC service delivered almost 5,000 counselling sessions related to the issue, both online and over the phone from one of their 13 bases around the country. Concerningly, loneliness was given as one of the main reasons for young people calling Childline about problems with their mental health.

Reasons children and young people have cited for feeling lonely in the last year include moving house or school and having to make new friends, their parents working long hours, being bullied by peers,and seeing their friends having fun on social media and feeling as though they are missing out.

One 16-year-old girl said to Childline: “I feel so lonely all the time, I end up crying and trying to sleep until the feeling goes away. I’ve tried to help myself, but nothing worked. I feel like I’ve been this way forever, I need this to change.”

The charity is revealing these figures to remind children and young people that they are not alone with Childline ready to provide help and support 24/7.

One girl aged 11, from Scotland, told Childline: “I feel so lonely at school, I only really have one friend. What’s harder though is I feel I can’t talk about how much it upsets me. My parents seem annoyed or judgemental when I try to talk about my feelings. Speaking to Childline feels like a weight has been lifted.”

To support young people who may be dealing with loneliness, the NSPCC also offers an online service called Building Connections.

This service, available to anyone up to the age of 19, matches young people with a trained befriender for 11 weeks who will help them to build their confidence and better manage their loneliness.

To refer a child to the online Building Connections service visit: https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/services/building-connections?modularPage=make-a-referral

Advice for children who are struggling with their mental health and/or loneliness includes:
• Do things that feel positive: Try your best to take part in activities you enjoy, whether that’s playing a sport, listening to music, reading a book, or drawing. Small positive actions really can have a big impact on your mood.
• Take care of yourself: When you are struggling with difficult feelings, it is important to continue to prioritise your basic needs such as eating well, staying hydrated, and getting enough sleep. Taking care of your body can have a positive impact on your mental health.
• Try to find ways to socialise: Whether it’s joining a club, connecting with peers at school, or reaching out to a trusted friend, prioritising socialising can help to reduce feelings of loneliness
• Remember it is always OK to ask for help: Speak to a trusted adult, a teacher, a friend, or contact Childline. No matter what you’re feeling, you don’t have to go through it alone.
• Consider signing up to Building Connections: If you’re 19 or under and struggling with feelings of loneliness, consider signing up to the NSPCC’s online Building Connections service. This service will pair you with a trained befriender who will work with you to give you the tools to tackle loneliness.

Shaun Friel, Childline Director, said: “It’s heart-breaking to see so many young people turning to Childline because they feel lonely and isolated. We know how much of an impact loneliness can have on children’s mental health, often leaving them feeling hopeless and unseen. That’s why it’s vital that children know they don’t have to face these emotions alone. Childline is here for every young person, no matter what their situation. Whether they’re missing a friend, struggling with school holidays, or finding it difficult to talk to those around them, our counsellors are ready to listen and provide support.”

Tips for adults to help children and young people who may be experiencing loneliness include:
• Communicate openly: Encourage children to talk about their feelings and listen without judgement.
• Discover what’s causing the problem: Gently explore why they might be feeling this way and validate their emotions.
• Encourage socialising: Help children find opportunities to connect with peers through hobbies, clubs, or activities.
• Help them build their confidence: Celebrate their strengths and achievements and remind them of the positive relationships in their lives.
• Build a supportive environment: Loneliness isn’t something that can be resolved with one conversation. It is important to create an environment of openness where a child can talk to you about their feelings and any struggles they may be facing.

Childline is available for young people via the phone on 0800 1111 and online through the 121 chat on www.childline.org.uk/get-support/message-boards/

Mar 02
Love0
co-parenting

Putting children first

By family, Legal, Mental health
by Julian Hunt
Partner at Dean Wilson and Head of the Family Department

A guide to mindful co-parenting after separation

When marriages and partnerships end, it’s easy to get caught up in the storm of emotions and conflicts that inevitably arise. Yet amidst the troubles, there’s a group whose needs often risk being overlooked – the children. While separation is challenging for adults, its impact on children can be profound and long-lasting, potentially affecting their mental health and future relationships.

Studies have shown that it’s not the separation itself that most damages children, but rather how parents handle it. This brings us to a crucial question: How can separating parents ensure their children’s wellbeing remains at the forefront?

Building a foundation of respect
The foundation of successful co-parenting lies in maintaining respectful communication between parents. This might seem like a tough challenge when emotions are running high, but it’s essential to remember that every hostile exchange or negative comment can leave lasting impressions on children. Even when parents think their children aren’t listening, young ones often pick up on tensions through overheard conversations or social media posts.

Love without limits
One of the most significant challenges for separating parents is accepting that their child can maintain loving relationships with both parents and their new partners. Children have a remarkable capacity for love, and forcing them to choose sides or feel guilty about spending time with the other parent can create emotional wounds that take years to heal.

Flexibility emerges as another crucial element in successful co-parenting. Life doesn’t stand still after separation, and neither should parenting arrangements. Children’s needs and wishes evolve as they grow, and parents must be prepared to adapt their arrangements accordingly. This might mean being understanding when a teenager prefers spending time with friends over parent time or being willing to adjust usual arrangements to accommodate special occasions.

Keeping children out of adult matters
A common downfall in post-separation parenting is using children as messengers or confidants. While it might seem convenient to relay messages through children or seek their emotional support, this places an unfair burden on young shoulders. Children shouldn’t be drawn into adult discussions about financial matters or be asked to keep secrets from either parent. They certainly shouldn’t be pressured to lie to professionals or family members about their situations or feelings.

Creating two welcoming homes
The question of possessiveness often arises in separated families – whether over the children themselves or their belongings. A healthy approach involves making it easy for children to move between homes with their necessary items, rather than creating artificial boundaries that make them feel like visitors in either home. This extends to maintaining connections with extended family members who play important roles in children’s lives.

Special occasions and holidays present unique challenges for separated families. These moments hold significance for both parents and children. Rather than viewing these occasions as potential difficulties, parents should approach them as opportunities to demonstrate mature co-parenting. This might mean sharing celebration times or alternating years for certain events.

Individual needs, individual solutions
It’s worth noting that siblings might have different preferences for spending time with each parent, and that’s OK. Each child’s relationship with their parents is unique, and forcing identical arrangements on all siblings might not serve their individual needs. Parents should be prepared to accommodate these differences while ensuring all their children feel equally valued and loved.

Progress over perfection
Co-parenting isn’t about perfection – it’s about progress. Neither parent will get everything right all the time, and expecting perfection from either yourself or your ex-partner sets an impossible standard. What matters most is maintaining a consistent focus on your children’s wellbeing, even when faced with disagreements or challenges.

Getting professional support
For parents struggling with these transitions, professional support can be invaluable. Family mediators, family consultants and legal professionals who specialise in family law can help navigate complex situations while keeping children’s interests paramount. These experts can assist in creating sustainable parenting plans that protect children’s wellbeing while respecting both parents’ rights and responsibilities.

Looking to the future
As our understanding of children’s needs in separated families continues to evolve, one truth remains constant: children benefit most when their parents can set aside their differences to focus on co-parenting effectively. This doesn’t mean pretending past conflicts don’t exist or forcing fake relationships. Rather, it means developing a new kind of relationship – one based on mutual respect and a shared commitment to raising healthy, well-adjusted children.

The journey of separation is rarely easy, but by keeping children’s needs at the centre of all decisions, parents can help their children navigate this significant life change with resilience and security. After all, while partnerships may end, parenting is a lifelong commitment that deserves our very best efforts.

Dean Wilson LLP’s reputation has been built upon our ability to deliver and exceed our clients’ expectations. For over 100 years our success has been founded upon our client focused approach, backed by the knowledge and expertise of our lawyers. www.deanwilson.co.uk

 

Jan 28
Love0
world

How to teach your children about the world around them – even when it’s doing its worst

By Early Years, environment, Forest School, Mental health, Relationships, Wellbeing
by Katie Harrison
Founder of Picture News

As our children grow, they become more aware of the world around them. Some events are sensitive and divisive, with global news often being unavoidable – including for children. Stories can be encountered online, on newspaper front pages, or via chatter in the playground. But what if the news didn’t have to be something to try to shield children from? As parents and carers, we can responsibly share current affairs with children, to equip them with tools to develop and learn from the world around them.

Make news discussions age-appropriate
Consider children’s age and developmental stage when planning your news discussions. You may wish to use visual content, including images and videos, but remember to vet these before sharing with children. For younger children, simplifying news events into relatable concepts, like being kind or unkind, fair or unfair can be effective. For older children, divulging more information can be appropriate. Reactions and understanding of news stories will differ for all children, but be confident that you know them best as you gauge how much information to share. News conversations can work well in the morning, to give children plenty of time to digest what’s happened, then reflect and share any questions or worries with you during the day.

Consider your role and influence
Be sure to observe and regulate your own reactions, language and behaviour when discussing news with children. As parents, we know children can be impressionable, and therefore may detect and emulate any fear or hatred they observe around them. We can responsibly ensure children mirror positive behaviour when discussing current topics. Try to maintain a healthy environment that is considerate and respectful. Think carefully about the language you use and try to stick to the facts. Be clear if parts of the discussion are your own thoughts, and be honest with children if you are unsure on a response to a question – you don’t have to know all of the answers! Instead, navigate the news together as events occur.

Help children work through their emotional responses
News stories can prompt emotional reactions for all of us. Some stories can dominate headlines and social media feeds or directly affect children, so it’s important to let them have emotional outlets in response. Children may bottle up how they’re feeling about events unfolding in the world, so making time to talk in a safe, familiar space can be of benefit. Give children a variety of tools to communicate how they feel; they might prefer to talk, write, or use creative approaches. You could use visual aids, discussions, post-it notes, emotion cards, smiley faces or art. Exploring how a news story makes your children feel can be a genuine opportunity to explore their understanding of emotions – what it means to feel an emotion, how emotions can change over time and how they manifest differently for everyone.

Support children to develop empathy
Current affairs contain a spectrum of opinions and experiences, which help children learn that we all hold different perspectives to be respected. This can support children in forging connections between themselves and others; by exploring other people’s experiences depicted in the news, children can build empathy, consider others, and practise relating to people. Such an awareness is a useful tool to help children become well-rounded, thoughtful citizens, who care about others.

Look for the positives together
Nestled within sensitive topics tend to be positive stories that follow. During times of hardship reflected in the news, we can often find examples of communities pulling together in response, which ultimately show our children lessons of morality, citizenship, and unity. So if you’re unsure how to approach a sensitive news topic with children, try sharing stories about more uplifting, responsive events that emerge. This helps you address heavier issues through an accessible, less unsettling lens. There are many positive acts that follow turbulent events we can share with children.

Inspire children to use their voice
Headlines are full of people using their voice to make a change – and children can do the same. Take the time to empower children to know that an awareness of what’s happening in the world can help them speak up as active citizens. The news is happening now, and with your support and guidance, children can act on their ideas and opinions. Whether it’s helping their community or writing letters, children can be encouraged to believe in their own ability to create positive change locally, nationally, or even globally.

There are many important lessons within news events that can help children grow and develop. Sharing the news with the younger generation comes with responsibility, but with the right tools and guidance, children can learn valuable lessons of citizenship, empathy and morality, whilst discovering the world they live in.

Katie Harrison is a former teacher and founder of Picture News, a supplier of teacher resources for creating engaging and exciting lessons about current affairs so children can learn about the world around them. For further information please visit www.picture-news.co.uk

 

Jan 27
Love0
bored child

“… But I’m soooooo bored.” Should boredom be part of your child’s daily routine?

By Education, family, fun for children, Mental health, play, Playing, Relationships, Wellbeing
by Laura Tristram
www.lumii.me

In today’s fast-paced society, boredom is typically viewed as something negative to be avoided. However, new research from the Child Mind Institute suggests that allowing children to experience boredom can actually be beneficial for both them and their parents.

Why is boredom seen negatively?
Parents, influenced by societal narratives, often perceive boredom as an unproductive and negative state. Being busy is often equated with success, leading to the belief that boredom signifies laziness. However, it’s time to rethink this notion, as boredom can play a significant role in children’s development and mental health. When children are bored, they are prompted to use their imagination and creativity to entertain themselves. This self-directed play fosters curiosity, helps them discover their interests, and enhances their innovative thinking. Research shows that engaging in monotonous tasks can boost creativity when later performing creative activities.

Overcoming challenges
Boredom teaches children resilience by encouraging them to persevere through challenges rather than becoming discouraged. This ability to persist is crucial for facing future obstacles and cultivating a proactive mindset. Dealing with the ‘problem’ of boredom enhances their problem-solving skills and self-reliance, fostering a sense of initiative and independence.

Social skills
Unstructured playtime allows children to interact with peers, developing essential social skills like negotiation, collaboration and communication. These skills are vital for forming relationships and working well with others. Successfully finding ways to entertain themselves boosts children’s confidence, helping them take risks and explore new things, thereby strengthening their self-esteem.

Positive wellbeing
Allowing children time to simply ‘be’ can significantly improve their mental health by reducing anxiety and stress. It gives them the opportunity to process their thoughts and emotions. Unstructured time helps children engage with their surroundings, often resulting in cherished memories and a happier childhood. Despite initial resistance, periods of boredom can lead to a more fulfilling and creative life.

Four easy ways to introduce more boredom
Parents can create opportunities for boredom by resisting the urge to overschedule their children. Here are four tips to help incorporate boredom into a child’s routine:
1. Set aside one day a week without structured activities
Encourage children to create their own activities on this ‘activity detox’ day, helping them explore their interests and creativity.
2. Provide simple toys
Offer materials like blocks, art supplies and household items to inspire creativity and free play.
3. Reduce screen time and encourage outdoor exploration
Take your child to open spaces and allow them to explore independently, fostering a sense of independence and creativity. Limit the use of electronic devices and encourage imaginative play instead.
4. Be a role model
Show how to embrace boredom by engaging in creative activities yourself and limiting your own screen time.

Experiencing boredom helps children develop crucial life skills such as resilience, problem-solving, and creativity, which are essential for their future success and wellbeing. Boredom also helps children build tolerance for less enjoyable experiences and encourages mindfulness, self-reflection and interpersonal communication skills.

It’s a valuable lesson for all: alongside your to-do list, create a ‘let’s be’ list. Make time to be mindfully present with those around you.

Amidst the rushing around, take a moment to walk and clear your head. These idle moments without a to-do list are important for mental clarity and happiness.

For both you and your child, embracing boredom can enhance resilience, creativity and productivity. Could embracing boredom be the antidote to burnout? By incorporating boredom into daily routines, you can help your child develop a happier, more balanced childhood.

So, the next time your child complains of being bored, resist the urge to immediately organise something for them. Instead, embrace the opportunity to foster their creativity, growth and wellbeing.

Laura Tristram is a teacher, mum and mental health and wellbeing lead. For more information please visit www.lumii.me

Nov 03
Love0
toxic relationships

Toxic families

By Childcare and Nannying, family, Mental health, Relationships, Special support needs, Wellbeing
by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna
psychotherapists and authors of “You’re Not the Problem”

There is no doubt that how we were parented informs and affects how we parent our children. That’s absolutely fine when we grew up in a happy, healthy, ‘good enough’ home, but what about when we grow up in unhealthy, toxic and abusive homes?

The first thing to know is that a lot of people don’t realise they grew up in toxic families, because not only do they think it’s normal, but they also think that if they didn’t like the way their parent treated them it’s because they’re the problem, not the parent. So understanding if you had healthy or toxic parents is the first step.

Signs you had a toxic parent are:
1. You weren’t allowed to say no to them without being shamed or punished.
2. You had to do everything their way because it was the right way.
3. They relied on you too heavily for emotional or practical support (parentification).
4. They use (and still use) guilt to make you do things you don’t want to.
5. You feel scared of them and obliged to do whatever they want –“I don’t have a choice, I have to.”
6. You are either hyper-dependent (people pleaser/codependent) or hyper-independent (don’t let anyone close, prefer to do everything alone, don’t ask for help).

This is not a diagnostic list, but if these sound familiar it might be worth looking up toxic or narcissistic parents.

If you’re aware you have toxic parents, you need to be aware of the common pitfalls that parents fall into when parenting their own children.

1. Taking their child’s no as personal rejection
When we grow up in narcissistic family systems, we inevitably develop a rejection wound, that coupled with the learned understanding that a child shouldn’t say no to their parent, it’s possible that someone could see their child’s rejection of them as a personal affront rather than the child just seeking autonomy and identity. Working on the rejection wound and realising that your child is safe enough to say no to you is an amazing thing, will help you boundary your feelings and stay in your parent role and allow your child to know they are safe to be who they are.

2. Swinging too far the other way
We call this the pendulum swing. When someone is so desperate to protect their child from ever experiencing a moment of what they felt in childhood they do the complete opposite. Unfortunately this can actually have a similar outcome because if a parent who experienced coldness and shaming and ignoring in childhood becomes too involved and hovering and micro managing their child, they can create a dependency in that child, instead of an independency. They also might unintentionally make the child responsible for their feelings by subconsciously letting the child know that mummy or daddy’s happiness depends on their happiness. This in turn can create anxiety and people pleasing in a child.

3. People pleasing your child
So often someone can be so scared of their child having emotions even a touch similar to their own feelings as a child that they will sit in fear of those emotions and try and prevent them at all costs. Especially when there is neurodivergence present and the resulting meltdowns are so hard to cope with. As a result they can end up people pleasing their child in order to prevent being faced with their anger, sadness or disappointment. This isn’t helpful for the child. Children have to learn how to regulate all feelings especially difficult ones, and what they learn through being people pleased out of them is that their emotions can control their parents behaviour (and therefore other people’s too) and/or those emotions aren’t acceptable and need to be hidden to keep their parent happy.

4. Being the parent they needed when they were a child
This is the number one mistake that parents from toxic families make. They become who they needed, essentially re-parenting themselves through their own child, which is not healthy. Your child doesn’t need the parent you needed, they’re not growing up in your environment, they’re growing up in a completely different environment, and are a completely different person. They need the parent they need. Make sure you’re not projecting onto your child a set of feelings and experiences that you had, and they may not be having at all.

When you grow up in a toxic family, there are lots of conditioned beliefs around what’s ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and it’s important to look at your family rules to understand these and choose what you do or don’t want to pass on consciously.

If you recognise yourself in any of these descriptions, first of all, try not to shame yourself. You didn’t know and it’s not your fault. Instead, it’s time to correct it by learning about it, and learning about yourself so you can be the parent you want to be, and your child needs you to be. Whilst we always suggest therapy is the best way to do this, knowing it’s not always accessible for everyone means that using other resources, such as books, podcasts, social media and any other form of learning will help you grow your knowledge, grieve your childhood, and build a better family life for your child and for you.

you're not the problemThe Sunday Times Bestseller “You’re Not the Problem” will help you recognise the language and behaviours of emotional abuse and narcissism in relationships, the immediate and long-term impact of it, practical strategies for healing and how to avoid repeating these behaviours. Buy “You’re Not The Problem” on Amazon and in all major book stores.

Nov 02
Love0
happy child

Teaching our children resilience

By Education, family, Mental health, Wellbeing
by Mrs Sarah Bakhtiari
Principal of Shoreham College

I have been a head teacher for six years, in two schools. A mother for 24 years, married for 30 and an educator for 29. When I was pregnant with my eldest daughter, I decided to do a Masters because I thought I would be bored with a newborn. The reason I reel off this list is that I couldn’t do these things without resilience (and optimism and foolishness – but they are different articles, and so I shall stick to resilience today!).

There is a buzz around resilience. I’ve been on training courses for it; read books and articles about it; been told I need more of it. The trouble is, I’m quite suspicious of the idea of resilience. The more I think about it, the more I’m reminded of a game I used to play on rainy days as a small child.

On said rainy day we would get the board games out of the cupboard and my family would all play. While it’s hard to choose a favourite, if I had to, it would be Buckaroo. The plastic donkey pressed into position before my brother and I took turns to pile all the random miscellany on its back, seeing how much the donkey could take before everything got bucked off. The moment it sprang and threw the plastic novelties all over the floor always made us jump and giggle, before we started the whole process all over again. That poor donkey never seemed to get much peace, being tested to its limit over and over. But that’s how I feel when people talk about how we should all be more resilient, as if we’re all plastic donkeys being piled upon until we snap.

Our children will encounter a myriad of challenges in their lives – everyone I’ve encountered has faced difficult times at some point. While some may have to overcome larger obstacles than others, every single person experiences struggles. Life is undeniably beautiful, yet equally tough.

How do we prepare our children to face the complexities and thrive?
When we talk about resilience, I think that what we mean is being able to face the complexities, the curved balls and the challenges of life and emerge on the other side, and I understand that, but I also think there’s more to it.

Let me illustrate. I love to swim. I’ve got into the super-trendy pastime of outdoor swimming, mostly in the sea. However, earlier this year, I visited a friend who insisted I got into the choppy North Sea. The waves didn’t look that big and I’m used to the cold, so I waded in. The first and second waves were fine and I began to relax – perhaps too much – and only when the third wave was a foot away from my face did I realise I’d misjudged it. I hadn’t widened my stance or braced myself for impact and over I went, and got a mouthful of the North Sea and a face full of shingle. I learned in that moment that resilience is also about bracing for the wave. Realising the thing that’s approaching is going to leave you a little battered, doing all you can to get ready for it and, when it’s over, all you can to recover. Life will break you at points, you can’t help that, but what you can do is be as ready as you can be for its knocks and bruises and work on healing them as quickly as possible. That’s what I hope we mean by resilience, but the trouble is, resilience seems to have become a code word for something else.

We’ve all felt it – that moment when the list starts to mount. We all like to please people, all like to help where we can. Perhaps you’ve agreed to bake for the winter fair and that on its own is fine, but then you also have to finish the last bit of work, remember to pay a bill and call your friend to wish them a happy birthday. You get jostled in the supermarket and suddenly it all becomes too much. The Buckaroo donkey can’t hold it any more and bucks. Perhaps you need to be more resilient, or perhaps it might be time to acknowledge your limits.

Resilience has transformed into a notion that implies we must endure hardships silently and soldier on. The truth is, I am vulnerable. But my vulnerability does not make me weaker (or stronger) than anyone else. True strength isn’t about bravely facing life’s pressures and forcefully overcoming obstacles as if they don’t exist. It’s about acknowledging our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Strength is honed through moments of vulnerability. While resilience portrays a triumphant figure plowing through obstacles, strength often manifests as a tearful heap – overwhelmed, exposed, yet unapologetically authentic. Resilience appears to be an individual pursuit, while strength thrives on collective support, where we can lean on one another and draw strength from those around us.

Allow me to share an analogy. My dog died last year. A much-loved family pet suddenly wasn’t there any more, and I was devastated. A time for resilience, perhaps? But I did something else. I cried and cried and cried. I cried in the departure lounge at the airport, I cried arriving at the hotel, I cried over breakfast in the morning, and at night-time. The other holiday makers were really confused. My husband and daughters didn’t try and stop me, they just acknowledged I was hurting.

I didn’t need to be more resilient; I needed to stay broken for a bit and lean on the strength of others. I found a strength that didn’t come from brushing myself off and getting on with it, but rather from feeling the pain and sitting with it for a while. And I still miss my dog, but now it’s peaceful instead of raw.

Resilience sometimes feels like we are supposed to cover up the scars, but strength allows them to be seen as if they are badges of honour, scars that made us who we are.

So, when I’m in resilience training and people are talking about how to cope with what’s going on, I can’t help but picture that Buckaroo donkey and, well, I’m not having that. Life is tough, but the stuff you do have to carry is less of a burden if you let people who care about you hold it for you, even just for a little while.

If life is the mountain, resilience is about powering up it without taking a break and pretending you aren’t out of breath and you don’t have blisters. Whereas true strength is about acknowledging you can’t take another step and asking if anyone fancies a sit down. The beauty is that when you take that precious moment to pause, you can also take a look at the path you’ve just walked up and who you’ve walked it with and be surprised by the ground you’ve covered. By admitting small defeats and looking down the mountain, you are less likely to lose sight of the bigger picture and what it took to get you there, feeling your feet on the ground and anchoring yourself.

You don’t have to be anyone’s Buckaroo donkey: you’ll only get overloaded, flip and make a mess. There’s nothing wrong in saying it’s all a bit too much.

So, what does this mean for our children and schools? Research tells us that the children who perform the best are those who can ask for help, act on it and have the strength to persevere – and not in buckaroo style, but in a collective endeavour with you, with their school and with their peers. Our children learn from us – let’s show them strength in all its forms. When your children need support, let their school know and let them work with you to put that supportive net around them and when you need support, I hope you have the people around you who will work through it with you, in whatever form you need.

Please call 01273 592681 to find out more about what Shoreham College can offer you, or to arrange a personal visit at any time of the school year. www.shorehamcollege.co.uk

 

Aug 15
Love0
piglets at a farm

Beyond the barn doors – a day in the life of a livestock worker

By Education, environment, Exercise, Family Farms, Food & Eating, Forest School, fun for children, Green, Mental health, Uncategorized
by Nicola Henderson
Godstone Farm

Amongst the hustle and bustle of a busy attraction, there’s often work behind the scenes that visitors don’t see or appreciate. Welcome to a world where hard work can indeed be fun, where the welfare of animals reigns supreme and the bond between human and animal is fascinating.

Contrary to popular belief, the life of a livestock worker is not merely about mucking out, getting muddy and driving around in a tractor. It is about forging connections – building trust with our four-legged friends and fostering an environment where they thrive. Every stroke of the brush, every scoop of feed, is an opportunity to nurture this bond, reminding us of the huge part we play in the lives of these creatures.

Let’s go down on the farm and take a look at a typical day:

7.30am: As the sun climbs overhead, and the animals are waking up, the first shift of workers arrive at the farm – this assumes it’s a ‘quiet’ time of the year, and there’s no lambing or other babies due to be born. First job of the day is to open all enclosures, cages, hutches and sheds. The animals are locked away safely at night due to the continual threat of hungry foxes.

8.30am: The hungry animals receive breakfast, fresh water and a visual check. The visual check ensures the animals are acting as they should, have no cuts or abrasions and are moving around well. This time is a chance for the animals to familiarise themselves with their care givers once again and build on previously built trust. Many of the smaller animals will be handled regularly to ensure they are comfortable should any first aid or medicine need to be administered in the future. Larger animals are handled too but often with four feet still on the ground, and with two or more workers to ensure everyone’s safety.

10am: The cleaning starts! Some animals will get a spot clean, others will be due for a full muck out – it’s not hard to guess that the smelliest of all are the pigs! Mucking out isn’t just to ensure the enclosure is clean to look at and smells fresh, it also ensures the welfare of the animals. A dirty environment can contribute towards skin conditions, foot issues and spread of infectious diseases. After removing all soiled straw, pens are disinfected, and then new bedding is laid. You’ll often see the animals return to a clean bed and have a good sniff or roll around, it’s their sign of appreciation! This time spent mucking out is another opportunity to strengthen the bond between human and animal, inquisitive characters will often want to ‘help’ and it’s not unusual to see a pig steal a broom or a pony with its head in the wheelbarrow.

As the team make their way around the farm cleaning and caring for livestock, they also need to ensure the customer facing areas of the farm are ready. Customer facing areas include those where up-close interactions happen, where a trail can be followed and where bespoke experiences take place.

11.30am: The hay run! With bags piled high with hay the tractor embarks on a journey to those harder to reach areas, the further afield fields, where sheep, cows, goats and horses graze. It’s a fun part of the job, using a vehicle to get around but it can be a challenge in wet weather when the fields get muddy.

1pm: After the wheelbarrows are emptied, the paths are swept, and the buckets are washed its finally time for lunch! This is the human’s lunch time, most animals don’t get lunch, only breakfast and dinner, unless they are on medication or have a very special diet. With such physical exertion the livestock team will enjoy a hearty lunch, often microwaving leftovers and filling up on treats bought by the management team. They are particularly partial to a donut or cupcake, and it can’t be denied that they burn off the calories!

1.30pm: It’s time to get ready for any behind the scenes experiences that day – this might be the chance for budding young farmers to work with the team, or for grown-ups to feed the meerkats. For example, if the meerkats are being fed by special visitors, then a gourmet snack will be prepared, this will be tasty grubs and worms. The visitors will get to sit inside the enclosure and feed the meerkats via tongs (just in case of any fingers that look remarkably like worms). Whilst a farm will prioritise its animals living as nature intended, in genuine habitats and won’t want all its animals to be tame, some experiences do help ensure that the animals aren’t fearful of human contact. This is especially helpful if they are taken unwell. Have you ever tried to catch a wild meerkat?!

4pm: After time spent imparting knowledge and engaging with customers, it’s back to the heavy and dirty work. Most of the animals require an evening feed. This is an opportunity for a further visual check (in depth health checks are done routinely as well) and water will be replenished. Unless it’s a particularly hot evening each animal will be put to bed after their dinner, but only once their bed has been checked for extra comfiness. Animals are kept for many reasons, but generally a lot of the animals in a farm attraction will be pets and everyone will have their favourites of course!

5-6pm: Depending on the time of year the livestock workers finish their day and head home for a well-deserved bath and rest. It all starts again tomorrow. Animals need caring for 24/7, 365 days a year so taking on a farm, smallholding or even a family pet is a decision to be well considered.

Godstone Farm enjoys welcoming customers to visit their many animals with engagement and education at its heart. The farm often recruits for roles working with the livestock team but can also offer advice for anyone lookingto keep an animal as a pet. www.godstonefarm.co.uk

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