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health for youngsters, babies and adults

Nov 08
Love0
fat child with lolly

Protecting our children from obesity

By children's health, Food & Eating, fun for children

There’s plenty parents can do to encourage children to enjoy eating a balanced diet filled with healthy foods. Here, children’s cookery book author and Cook School co-founder Amanda Grant shares her top tips for getting children into the kitchen and making healthy eating fun.

As a children’s food writer, mum and step mum, I know first-hand how hard it can be to get children to eat healthily. Asking them to step out of their comfort zone and try new foods can be really challenging, and even if you succeed, their likes and dislikes seem to change day-to-day – sometimes minute-to-minute!

Teaching children about healthy eating and how to make balanced meals that include a variety of fruit and vegetables is the best way to protect their future health.

At Cook School, we work with schools across the UK, through in-person and digital courses, helping children to understand food and teaching them how to make simple, healthy vegetarian meals for themselves and their families.

It’s a project we’re really passionate about. With a better understanding of where food comes from and how to prepare and eat it, children feel more confident helping out at home, and are happier to eat healthier dishes at mealtimes, too.

Luckily, I’ve got a few tricks you can use that will encourage children of all ages to enjoy a better diet and help you out in the kitchen.

1. Help them to understand food
Offering children a ‘behind the scenes’ look at food helps them to understand it better, and encourages them to make different, and hopefully healthier, choices. This could mean anything from visiting at a friend’s allotment or going to a pick-your-own, to simply letting them help you with the weekly food shop.

Even if they turn their nose up at most fruit and vegetables, take them along to your local supermarket and give them time to get familiar with the fruit and vegetable aisles. Ask what they’d like to buy to help them feel more confident about trying new things, and to give them some control over what they’re eating.

You could also make a game of looking for unusual items they’ve never seen or heard of before, or talk about what’s in season right now.

2. Enjoy the benefits of all types of vegetable
The price of fresh fruit and vegetables has sky-rocketed lately – but canned and frozen vegetables are cheaper and more convenient than fresh, and still packed with nutrients. Ask children to help you choose the ones they like the look of, to help you use vegetables to make your meals healthier and more filling. For example, you could stir some frozen spinach into an omelette, throw mixed peas and carrots into pasta water whilst cooking, or top ice cream with frozen berries.

Asking them for their own ideas will really boost their enthusiasm, and if you introduce new foods alongside ones they already know and love, it will encourage them to explore new flavours. Try to serve a portion of vegetables with every dinner, too, as the more familiar a vegetable becomes, the more likely children are to eat it.

3. Ask them to help you in the kitchen
Getting children involved in the kitchen can help keep them occupied, give you valuable time together and help generate a life-long interest in food. Children are much more likely to try new foods they’ve helped to make, while sampling new foods in the kitchen adds less pressure than trying them at the dinner table.

At Cook School, children learn how to prepare food independently, with very little help from an adult. Over 90% of all children who take part in our classes go on to cook what they’ve learnt at home, which is a great first step towards teaching them how to make the right choices for their growing bodies.

4. Teach them the basics
To start with, keep things simple – dishes that don’t require cooking, such as overnight oats or simple toast toppings are ideal practice dishes for younger or less-confident children. They can help you prepare them by taking on tasks like peeling, stirring and grating.

Even making a basic snack can help them learn new skills, boost their confidence and get them used to eating new nutritious foods – think apple slices with peanut butter, hummus and vegetables or crackers with cheese.

Older children who are more confident can be taught how to use knives safely to chop and slice vegetables, and to cook quick, easy dinners – like a basic pasta dish, leftover veg-topped pizza or a tomato rice bowl. You don’t need loads of fancy equipment, either – just the basics will do to start with.

5. Keep up the conversation
Allowing children to help you with shopping and cooking is a great way to start conversations about where our food comes from, what makes a healthy meal and how to reduce food waste.

Using up your leftovers is an eco-friendly money saver, so ask them for their ideas on what to do with anything you don’t use right away – for example, leftover bolognese makes a great topping for baked potatoes. This will not only teach them about the importance of not wasting food, but give you some great ideas for your next healthy meal.

Cook School is a not-for-profit organisation that teaches children across the UK how to prepare simple, healthy meat-free meals for themselves and their families. To date, over 200,000 children have cooked with us and been provided with vital information and access to affordable, healthy recipes.

If you’d like Cook School at your school, find out more at www.cookschool.club

 

Nov 07
Love0
holistic education

A holistic approach to education

By Education, Girls school, Relationships, Wellbeing
by Rebecca Mudde
Prep School Head of Academic Mentoring and Thinking Skills at St Catherine’s Prep School, Bramley

In the world of education, the wellbeing of students is like the compass guiding their journey – a fundamental aspect that shapes not just academic success but the overall experience of learning and growing. Schools are not just places of learning; they are the foundation for building well-rounded individuals ready to face the challenges of life. Academic success should not come at the expense of a student’s overall wellbeing.

Schools are where children learn to socialise, make friends and deal with all the ups and downs of life. By focusing on their wellbeing, we are helping them build social skills, empathy and resilience. The result? Children who are not just academically able but also emotionally intelligent and ready to face the complexities of the real world.

By prioritising wellbeing, we are not just helping the students feel good about themselves; we are boosting their brainpower. A healthy mind does not memorise facts; it thinks creatively, critically and stays engaged in the learning process. In providing a positive school environment, we are not only improving outcomes but also instilling a genuine love for learning, making education a lifelong adventure.

Academic success is intrinsically linked to mental and emotional health, and as such it is important to implement innovative programmes to support the balance. Having a dedicated wellbeing space where students can visit and take time out of their day to relax and reflect is a beneficial resource.

A key too, in any school, is the pastoral team who play a pivotal role in shaping a school’s culture. Pastoral teams are not just mentors; they are champions of mental health, promoting positive wellbeing practices among not only the students but staff as well. Through workshops and awareness campaigns, the pastoral team can contribute to the creation of a supportive community where both students and staff feel valued.

By implementing programmes that address mental health openly, we are not just tackling stigma; we are providing a safety net for students to talk about their worries. We provide them with the support they need to help prevent bigger issues developing down the road by equipping them with the tools to cope with life’s challenges.

By placing happiness and mental health on the priority list, we are not just nurturing minds; we are setting the stage for futures filled with promise and balance. Happy minds lead to bright futures.

St Catherine’s Prep School extends a warm welcome to parents who would like to visit the school. Visit www.stcatherines.info to find out more about upcoming open mornings and arranging a visit.

Nov 06
Love0
performing

Unleashing potential – The transformative power of performing arts classes for children

By dance & Art, Exercise, fun for children, Music and singing, Playing, Theatre, Wellbeing
by The Pauline Quirke Academy of Performing Arts (PQA)

In an era where academic achievement often takes precedence over creative pursuits, the intrinsic value of performing arts in fostering holistic development in children is frequently overlooked. Performing arts classes – encompassing drama, dance, filmmaking and more – offer far more than an outlet for creativity. They are powerful tools that help children develop self-belief, resilience and a deeper understanding of their true selves.

 

Building self-belief
One of the most profound impacts of performing arts education is the enhancement of self-belief. In a performing arts class, children are encouraged to step out of their comfort zones, take risks and express themselves. This process is transformative, particularly for those who may struggle with self-confidence. Performing in front of peers, teachers and audiences requires a significant amount of courage. Each successful performance, no matter how small, reinforces a child’s belief in their abilities.

Children who participate in performing arts classes learn to trust in their capabilities, both individually and as part of a group. This self-belief often transcends the arts, spilling over into other areas of their lives. They become more willing to take on challenges, speak up in class and engage with their community, buoyed by the confidence gained through their artistic endeavours.

Cultivating resilience
Resilience, the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties, is another crucial trait that performing arts classes help cultivate. The path to a polished performance is rarely smooth. It involves learning new skills, overcoming mistakes and handling constructive criticism – all of which are essential components of resilience.

For instance, a young actor might struggle to remember lines or grapple with stage fright. Through persistent practise and guidance, they learn to manage these challenges, gaining a sense of perseverance and tenacity. This resilience is not confined to the stage; children apply these coping mechanisms to academic pressures, social dynamics and personal setbacks. They learn that failure is not a dead-end but a stepping-stone to growth and improvement.

Discovering their true selves
Performing arts provide a unique platform for self-exploration and expression. Children often grapple with questions about their identity and place in the world. Engaging in the performing arts allows them to explore different facets of their personality in a safe and supportive environment.

Through role-play and character exploration, children can experiment with various aspects of themselves. A shy child might find confidence playing a bold character, or a typically reserved student might discover a passion for expressive movement through dance. These experiences enable children to uncover interests and talents they may not have recognised otherwise.

Moreover, the collaborative nature of the performing arts fosters a sense of belonging and community. Working together to create a performance teaches children about empathy, cooperation and the value of diverse perspectives. This sense of connection and mutual respect is integral to understanding and appreciating their own and others’ identities.

In a world that often prioritises measurable academic success over personal development, performing arts classes offer an invaluable counterbalance. They are not merely extracurricular activities but essential components of a well-rounded education. By helping children develop self-belief, resilience and a deeper understanding of their true selves, performing arts classes lay the foundation for confident, adaptable and empathetic adults.

The stage, the studio, and the rehearsal room are more than spaces for artistic expression; they are crucibles for character development and self-discovery, shaping children into the best versions of themselves.

PQA runs weekend performing arts academies across the UK. Young people (aged 6-18) spend 3 hours experiencing classes in comedy, drama, musical theatre and filmmaking. Children aged 4 and 5 explore the performing arts with their early years classes, Poppets. Try a full session for free at your local academy. www.pqacademy.com

Nov 06
Love0
baby biting

Help! My child bites…

By Early Years, Health, teeth and dental care

by Jovita Opio
Nursery Manager, Little Lancing Day Nursery & Forest School

Biting is a more common behaviour than one might think amongst very young children and it’s a topic that is not always spoken about very much, until it happens within your family. It can happen anywhere – in the home, at a soft play or play park, a child’s birthday party and of course in a childcare setting.

Biting can be a shock and it is certainly distressing – for the child or adult who has been bitten and the parents of a child who has been bitten who can understandably feel angry about it. It should go without saying that it is also upsetting for the parents of the child who has been biting.

Understanding about biting is vitally important to the way in which we respond to this happening – it is not the case that a child who bites is a ‘little monster’. He or she should not be punished for it, or worse still, bitten back. That’s not to say that this behaviour should simply be ignored. The following will help to explain why some children bite and what strategies can be employed to navigate a way through this behaviour.

Starting with the youngest of babies, as they begin to understand and engage with the world around them, they use all their senses as part of that natural exploration, and that includes using their mouths. Parents, carers and nursery staff all know that babies are inclined to put anything and everything into their mouths. It’s also a common feature of teething that babies will bite down on practically anything within reach to relieve the discomfort caused to their gums. It’s highly unlikely that children that young would deliberately bite another person with any kind of malice or ill feeling. In fact it’s sometimes the case that this is how they express their feelings of love – some babies only ever bite their parents!

As babies become toddlers, they continue to develop their language and communications skills and this happens at different times for different children. Some 18 month olds are real chatterboxes and others take more time to get to that stage. For those children whose language development occurs later, they may feel some frustration at not being able to express themselves and this can be a similar experience for children for whom English is an additional language.

Whenever children play together, there is inevitably a certain amount of disagreement that can creep in. For example, when both want to play with the same toy or when a child is blocking another child’s way, say on a slide or in a soft play environment. It’s a common reaction in such circumstances that a child may bite another child, or an adult, as they have not yet reached the point where they are able to express themselves verbally with the confidence to show their emotions.

Young children can find transitions and changes in their lives frustrating or stressful. For example, moving house, adjusting to changes in routine, the arrival of a new sibling as well as what might seem more mundane aspects of daily life, such as struggling to understand that they have to wait their turn to do something, or play with a particular toy, when they find it difficult to understand the concept of time. Biting can often be a response to relieving these frustrations and tensions.

It is also a possibility that some toddlers may find that biting focuses attention on them from adults and they see this as a reward. They are too young to differentiate between gaining attention through positive rather than negative behaviour. It’s also important to understand that children begin to realise that their behaviour (whatever it may be) can be a way for them to influence or control the environment or situation they find themselves in. Initially, biting can be a response to frustration or physical pain, but left unchecked, it may develop into a learned behaviour as a way of ending a situation they are not happy in or avoiding having to do something they do not want to do. It’s also the case that children at this stage of development may imitate all sorts of behaviours they see in others, and that includes biting.

Acquiring language and communication skills in turn leads into the stage in the early years development journey, where children begin to understand their emotions better and are more able to express themselves. This enables them to begin to self-regulate their responses to situations where they feel upset or angry.

So how best to deal with a situation when a child has bitten someone else?
For parents of the child who has been bitten, it’s understandable to feel anger and distress at what has happened. It’s all too easy to assume that the child who has been biting has additional needs (in most cases they don’t) and complaining to friends or other parents may not be helpful (and potentially embarrassing if your child then bites another person at another time). Discussing it with the parents of the child who has bitten may sometimes help understanding and clear the air but sadly this is not always a positive solution. If we are asking our children to be kind in their dealings with others, we should be kind too.

Parents of young children who bite often do not know where to turn or how to help their child through this stage. It can feel overwhelming but there is help at hand. They can turn to their Health Visitor for advice, and if attending an Early Years setting, the nursery staff will be supportive. Working with parents to devise strategies is key, as is consistency in approach to biting.

Whether at home with family or within an early years setting, there are a number of strategies that can help children through this stage in their development. These include:
• Praising and rewarding positive behaviour, so children don’t only get attention for negative behaviour.
• When a child bites another child, focus the attention first on comforting the child who has been bitten, so the child who has bitten does not receive priority attention. Remove them from the situation and make it clear with simple phrases such as “Stop. Biting hurts your friend. Biting isn’t kind.” The days of the ‘naughty step’ should be long past – in fact the word ‘naughty’ should not even come into the conversation.
• Providing sensory activities to create a similar experience to the biting behaviour and build these into a child’s daily routine – whether a ‘chew’ teething toy, such as a ‘chew buddy’, a ‘chew necklace’ or offering a healthy crunchy snack of fruit or vegetables.
• Redirecting a child’s attention to offer an alternative activity if they are struggling to regulate their response to a frustrating situation is a useful technique to defusing tension.
• Using visual prompts and storytelling to the children (at nursery this usually takes place as a group activity) helps them to learn. For example, if there has been an incident at a soft play, this can become the theme of a social story, using role play, such as puppets, to help children understand better positive strategies to use in social situations.
teeth are not for biting• Reading storybooks, for example the behaviour series by Elizabeth Verdick and other authors, such as ‘Teeth are not for Biting’, is commonly used in Early Years settings to help reinforce positive messages about behaviour. These could also be used by parents at home. This is most beneficial if used proactively, rather than as a reaction to specific events.
• Modelling turn-taking activities and extending play to other popular toys and interests so the child is engaged in another activity while waiting for the toy they want. Having more than one of a particularly popular toy or activity available can help smooth out any potentially tricky situations. Using a sand timer as a visual aid to help children to understand when it’s their turn can also help teach them to learn to wait.

For repeated incidences of biting, nursery staff monitor the ‘Why, Where, When’ of occurrences, to see if there is a pattern for this. For instance, is it when they are tired or hungry, or is there an activity that regularly triggers the impulse to bite? It may in fact be a combination of factors and strategies can then be put in place to help avoid situations that can give rise to biting.

For the parents of a child who bites, it is important to know that they are not alone. Very many children, some say up to a quarter of all children, will bite at some point during their early lives. Most commonly this is amongst those aged two to three years. That doesn’t make it any less difficult for all concerned but it is helpful to know that it is a phase that usually will pass.

The Lancing College family includes its two Prep Schools located in Hove and Worthing and Little Lancing Day Nursery & Forest School which offers day care all-year round for children aged two months and over. www.littlelancing.co.uk, www.lancingcollege.co.uk

Nov 06
Love0
doula and baby

Doulas – what are they and what benefits do they bring?

By baby health, Childcare and Nannying, Early Years, family
by Jo Slade
Birth and postnatal doula

Imagine being able to look forward to your birth without fear. Or enter motherhood and family life feeling calm and supported. This is exactly what a doula can help you with! In a time where it is so important to seek your own education around pregnancy, childbirth and postnatal care, a doula can be beside you every step of the way.

A birth doula
A birth doula is a non-medical professional, trained to provide support to women and families throughout pregnancy and birth. They will get to know you during your pregnancy, and can provide evidence-based information and antenatal education about what to expect from labour and birth, as well as being on-call to join you when you give birth – whether at home, in hospital or at a birth centre – to provide non-judgemental, practical, and emotional support.

They can be instead of, or in addition to, a birth partner. Someone who is there for you (both), who knows you and what’s important to you, and can give you the confidence to look forward to, plan, and advocate for the birth you want – whether you are aiming for a completely natural experience, a planned caesarean, or something in between!

Studies show that the continuity of care and support that doulas provide can lead to:
• Decreased likelihood of a caesarean or instrumental delivery.
• Increased likelihood of a shorter labour.
• Decrease in use of pain medication.
• Increased likelihood of feeling positive about your experience.
• Decreased likelihood of feeding issues.

A doula can be a great choice for first time mothers and parents – helping to settle nerves and talk about the unknown, but also for subsequent parents, who maybe didn’t have the best experience of birth or the postnatal period the first time around and want to feel more informed and supported going forward.

The average price of a birth doula ranges from £500 to £2000. This depends on your area, the different services offered and the level of experience of the doula.

A postnatal doula
A postnatal doula is professionally trained to provide support to women and families following the birth of their baby. The postnatal period should be a time to slow things down, take time to recover and enjoy your new baby, and although wonderful, it can sometimes feel overwhelming, as it’s all so new!

A doula will visit you at home, support you with adjustment to life with a new baby and give you the confidence to find your own way of mothering and parenting. They can help with:
• Breastfeeding and feeding.
• Holding your newborn so you can rest or have a bath.
• Hearing and chatting about your birth story.
• Light housework.
• Preparing nourishing meals.
• Entertaining older siblings.
• Walking the dog!

The importance of feeling supported and cared for in what is sometimes known as the fourth trimester should never be underestimated – it can have a substantial impact on your health and happiness going forward.

A postnatal doula usually charges by the hour, with a minimum number of hours booked. Hourly rates can range between £15 and £30.

There are birth and postnatal doulas, and many that provide both services. Most doulas offer an initial meeting, either in person or via Zoom, to see whether you are suited to each other, and they will expect you to be meeting with other doulas before you make your decision.

Some reputable online directories you can visit to find a trained doula in your area are:
• The Doula Directory
• Doula UK
• Find My Doula

Investing – time, energy and money – into one of the most important days of your life, and the months following, is a powerful acknowledgement that you are worthy of support.

However, if cost is a prohibitive factor, there may be some funds available. For example, the Doula UK access fund and Doulas Without Borders.

Jo Slade is a birth and postnatal doula. She lives in Brighton and provides doula support to families in many locations across East and West Sussex. For enquiries or to find out more, you can visit her website www.thedoulajoslade.co.uk email: jo@thedoulajoslade.co.uk or call her on 07779 457640

 

Nov 03
Love0
family food in kitchen

Food for thought

By baby health, Food & Eating

by Sally-Ann Makin
Potter’s Houses Nursery settings and Makin Connections – Family Consultancy

Growing up I had a very tricky relationship with food. It still isn’t great now but I’m aware of it and I know my mind and body well enough to know when I’m making poor choices. I grew up in the midst of “There are starving children around the world” and a wooden spoon punishment if you didn’t finish your dinner. Many people my age had the exact same consequences to not eating. Sadly, it was the norm.

We know better now but I find many parents and practitioners that I meet through the nursery still use threats and negative language at mealtimes with children and I’m curious as to why I can’t seem to find any training on the adverse affects of the ‘sandwiches first’ attitude. Speaking to another parent Jamie-Leigh Nicholls, a child nutrition enthusiast, confirmed there was very little coverage on this – so here we are.

My relationship with food was something I never even acknowledged was a problem until I started a job as a nanny for a wonderful family and my employer just happened to be Dr Anna from ITV’s This Morning. At that time she wasn’t yet doing TV but she was still very much a Clinical Psychologist, primarily for children with eating disorders. I’d never even considered children would suffer from eating disorders but sadly it’s happening all around the world and some of the causes and issues stem from the language and attitude parents have towards food. Anna taught me to think differently when addressing my eating habits and slowly I began to find other coping mechanisms for anxiety than controlling myself with food.

I contact Anna for all manner of advice and regardless of how busy she is, she consistently makes time to support me because she is so incredibly passionate about children accessing a naturally healthy lifestyle. Some things I have learned from Dr Anna are: Children need to SEE us eating healthily and HEAR us speaking positively about food, they need to have access to a wide range of options and they need to be involved with preparing meals and see that cooking and eating can be so much fun. They need us to model healthy eating habits – children naturally mimic what they see us do and say, so showing them that you make good choices with food will encourage them to do the same. “Inconvenient truth” says Anna on her platform, “You can’t make your kids eat. You can’t force them to love fruit and vegetables and relish fruit. All you can do is model a good relationship with food, create an environment where food and eating are stress free, and meals are times of happiness, connection and bonding. The rest will come.”

Anna speaks about the deprivation effect on her Instagram – the deprivation effect is one of the main causes of cravings leading to eating disorders. Because you want what you can’t have, removing certain foods from your diet or your child’s diet has the opposite affect and instead of disallowing ‘bad’ foods, it encourages impulsive eating. An example of this is saying ‘no more sweets’ to yourself and to them.

Using food as a reward can be really detrimental to a child’s thoughts surrounding food and choices. Rewarding them with sweet treats for good behaviour, even rewarding ourselves with a glass of something at the end of a hard day, gives food moral value and makes us use food and drink to manage our emotions which was my issue and can be quite harmful. Children who grow up linking food with behaviour become adults who reward or punish themselves with food.

I think what we need to really be thinking about is our language towards food during family mealtimes. There is no such thing as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food and labelling foods as ‘negative’ or ‘positive’ can give children a complex about their behaviour if they eat it.

In educational settings, hearing staff tell children to eat sandwiches first because they need the ‘good’ food before they are allowed to eat the ‘bad’ food can confuse children and cause them to question why their parent would give them ‘bad’ food. Allowing children a variety of foods to choose from and empowering them to make good choices promotes a healthier lifestyle for them and also inspire them to take a deeper interest in food and cooking. When this is then passed on through the generations, it can only be a wonderful thing. Surely better than passing the wooden spoon baton, right?

Jamie-Leigh says “We have an opportunity to create a generation of children and young people who have an amazing relationship with food.” She’s right; it is our duty as parents and practitioners to educate ourselves on the psychology behind how our thoughts and feelings towards food develop and not pass on the poor habits from our own upbringing.

If this has given you food for thought, do the research online, follow Dr Anna Colton on Instagram, talk to your friends and your parents and give some time to learning about the connection between our brain and our body and how we can support our children to be as healthy as possible.

Sally-Ann runs Makin Connections, Garden of Eden Preschool, Potters House Preschool and Blossom and Bloom Day Nursery.
For more information please contact her at sallyann@makinconnections.co.uk or call 07939 620934

 

Nov 03
Love0
toxic relationships

Toxic families

By Childcare and Nannying, family, Mental health, Relationships, Special support needs, Wellbeing
by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna
psychotherapists and authors of “You’re Not the Problem”

There is no doubt that how we were parented informs and affects how we parent our children. That’s absolutely fine when we grew up in a happy, healthy, ‘good enough’ home, but what about when we grow up in unhealthy, toxic and abusive homes?

The first thing to know is that a lot of people don’t realise they grew up in toxic families, because not only do they think it’s normal, but they also think that if they didn’t like the way their parent treated them it’s because they’re the problem, not the parent. So understanding if you had healthy or toxic parents is the first step.

Signs you had a toxic parent are:
1. You weren’t allowed to say no to them without being shamed or punished.
2. You had to do everything their way because it was the right way.
3. They relied on you too heavily for emotional or practical support (parentification).
4. They use (and still use) guilt to make you do things you don’t want to.
5. You feel scared of them and obliged to do whatever they want –“I don’t have a choice, I have to.”
6. You are either hyper-dependent (people pleaser/codependent) or hyper-independent (don’t let anyone close, prefer to do everything alone, don’t ask for help).

This is not a diagnostic list, but if these sound familiar it might be worth looking up toxic or narcissistic parents.

If you’re aware you have toxic parents, you need to be aware of the common pitfalls that parents fall into when parenting their own children.

1. Taking their child’s no as personal rejection
When we grow up in narcissistic family systems, we inevitably develop a rejection wound, that coupled with the learned understanding that a child shouldn’t say no to their parent, it’s possible that someone could see their child’s rejection of them as a personal affront rather than the child just seeking autonomy and identity. Working on the rejection wound and realising that your child is safe enough to say no to you is an amazing thing, will help you boundary your feelings and stay in your parent role and allow your child to know they are safe to be who they are.

2. Swinging too far the other way
We call this the pendulum swing. When someone is so desperate to protect their child from ever experiencing a moment of what they felt in childhood they do the complete opposite. Unfortunately this can actually have a similar outcome because if a parent who experienced coldness and shaming and ignoring in childhood becomes too involved and hovering and micro managing their child, they can create a dependency in that child, instead of an independency. They also might unintentionally make the child responsible for their feelings by subconsciously letting the child know that mummy or daddy’s happiness depends on their happiness. This in turn can create anxiety and people pleasing in a child.

3. People pleasing your child
So often someone can be so scared of their child having emotions even a touch similar to their own feelings as a child that they will sit in fear of those emotions and try and prevent them at all costs. Especially when there is neurodivergence present and the resulting meltdowns are so hard to cope with. As a result they can end up people pleasing their child in order to prevent being faced with their anger, sadness or disappointment. This isn’t helpful for the child. Children have to learn how to regulate all feelings especially difficult ones, and what they learn through being people pleased out of them is that their emotions can control their parents behaviour (and therefore other people’s too) and/or those emotions aren’t acceptable and need to be hidden to keep their parent happy.

4. Being the parent they needed when they were a child
This is the number one mistake that parents from toxic families make. They become who they needed, essentially re-parenting themselves through their own child, which is not healthy. Your child doesn’t need the parent you needed, they’re not growing up in your environment, they’re growing up in a completely different environment, and are a completely different person. They need the parent they need. Make sure you’re not projecting onto your child a set of feelings and experiences that you had, and they may not be having at all.

When you grow up in a toxic family, there are lots of conditioned beliefs around what’s ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and it’s important to look at your family rules to understand these and choose what you do or don’t want to pass on consciously.

If you recognise yourself in any of these descriptions, first of all, try not to shame yourself. You didn’t know and it’s not your fault. Instead, it’s time to correct it by learning about it, and learning about yourself so you can be the parent you want to be, and your child needs you to be. Whilst we always suggest therapy is the best way to do this, knowing it’s not always accessible for everyone means that using other resources, such as books, podcasts, social media and any other form of learning will help you grow your knowledge, grieve your childhood, and build a better family life for your child and for you.

you're not the problemThe Sunday Times Bestseller “You’re Not the Problem” will help you recognise the language and behaviours of emotional abuse and narcissism in relationships, the immediate and long-term impact of it, practical strategies for healing and how to avoid repeating these behaviours. Buy “You’re Not The Problem” on Amazon and in all major book stores.

Nov 02
Love0
happy child

Teaching our children resilience

By Education, family, Mental health, Wellbeing
by Mrs Sarah Bakhtiari
Principal of Shoreham College

I have been a head teacher for six years, in two schools. A mother for 24 years, married for 30 and an educator for 29. When I was pregnant with my eldest daughter, I decided to do a Masters because I thought I would be bored with a newborn. The reason I reel off this list is that I couldn’t do these things without resilience (and optimism and foolishness – but they are different articles, and so I shall stick to resilience today!).

There is a buzz around resilience. I’ve been on training courses for it; read books and articles about it; been told I need more of it. The trouble is, I’m quite suspicious of the idea of resilience. The more I think about it, the more I’m reminded of a game I used to play on rainy days as a small child.

On said rainy day we would get the board games out of the cupboard and my family would all play. While it’s hard to choose a favourite, if I had to, it would be Buckaroo. The plastic donkey pressed into position before my brother and I took turns to pile all the random miscellany on its back, seeing how much the donkey could take before everything got bucked off. The moment it sprang and threw the plastic novelties all over the floor always made us jump and giggle, before we started the whole process all over again. That poor donkey never seemed to get much peace, being tested to its limit over and over. But that’s how I feel when people talk about how we should all be more resilient, as if we’re all plastic donkeys being piled upon until we snap.

Our children will encounter a myriad of challenges in their lives – everyone I’ve encountered has faced difficult times at some point. While some may have to overcome larger obstacles than others, every single person experiences struggles. Life is undeniably beautiful, yet equally tough.

How do we prepare our children to face the complexities and thrive?
When we talk about resilience, I think that what we mean is being able to face the complexities, the curved balls and the challenges of life and emerge on the other side, and I understand that, but I also think there’s more to it.

Let me illustrate. I love to swim. I’ve got into the super-trendy pastime of outdoor swimming, mostly in the sea. However, earlier this year, I visited a friend who insisted I got into the choppy North Sea. The waves didn’t look that big and I’m used to the cold, so I waded in. The first and second waves were fine and I began to relax – perhaps too much – and only when the third wave was a foot away from my face did I realise I’d misjudged it. I hadn’t widened my stance or braced myself for impact and over I went, and got a mouthful of the North Sea and a face full of shingle. I learned in that moment that resilience is also about bracing for the wave. Realising the thing that’s approaching is going to leave you a little battered, doing all you can to get ready for it and, when it’s over, all you can to recover. Life will break you at points, you can’t help that, but what you can do is be as ready as you can be for its knocks and bruises and work on healing them as quickly as possible. That’s what I hope we mean by resilience, but the trouble is, resilience seems to have become a code word for something else.

We’ve all felt it – that moment when the list starts to mount. We all like to please people, all like to help where we can. Perhaps you’ve agreed to bake for the winter fair and that on its own is fine, but then you also have to finish the last bit of work, remember to pay a bill and call your friend to wish them a happy birthday. You get jostled in the supermarket and suddenly it all becomes too much. The Buckaroo donkey can’t hold it any more and bucks. Perhaps you need to be more resilient, or perhaps it might be time to acknowledge your limits.

Resilience has transformed into a notion that implies we must endure hardships silently and soldier on. The truth is, I am vulnerable. But my vulnerability does not make me weaker (or stronger) than anyone else. True strength isn’t about bravely facing life’s pressures and forcefully overcoming obstacles as if they don’t exist. It’s about acknowledging our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Strength is honed through moments of vulnerability. While resilience portrays a triumphant figure plowing through obstacles, strength often manifests as a tearful heap – overwhelmed, exposed, yet unapologetically authentic. Resilience appears to be an individual pursuit, while strength thrives on collective support, where we can lean on one another and draw strength from those around us.

Allow me to share an analogy. My dog died last year. A much-loved family pet suddenly wasn’t there any more, and I was devastated. A time for resilience, perhaps? But I did something else. I cried and cried and cried. I cried in the departure lounge at the airport, I cried arriving at the hotel, I cried over breakfast in the morning, and at night-time. The other holiday makers were really confused. My husband and daughters didn’t try and stop me, they just acknowledged I was hurting.

I didn’t need to be more resilient; I needed to stay broken for a bit and lean on the strength of others. I found a strength that didn’t come from brushing myself off and getting on with it, but rather from feeling the pain and sitting with it for a while. And I still miss my dog, but now it’s peaceful instead of raw.

Resilience sometimes feels like we are supposed to cover up the scars, but strength allows them to be seen as if they are badges of honour, scars that made us who we are.

So, when I’m in resilience training and people are talking about how to cope with what’s going on, I can’t help but picture that Buckaroo donkey and, well, I’m not having that. Life is tough, but the stuff you do have to carry is less of a burden if you let people who care about you hold it for you, even just for a little while.

If life is the mountain, resilience is about powering up it without taking a break and pretending you aren’t out of breath and you don’t have blisters. Whereas true strength is about acknowledging you can’t take another step and asking if anyone fancies a sit down. The beauty is that when you take that precious moment to pause, you can also take a look at the path you’ve just walked up and who you’ve walked it with and be surprised by the ground you’ve covered. By admitting small defeats and looking down the mountain, you are less likely to lose sight of the bigger picture and what it took to get you there, feeling your feet on the ground and anchoring yourself.

You don’t have to be anyone’s Buckaroo donkey: you’ll only get overloaded, flip and make a mess. There’s nothing wrong in saying it’s all a bit too much.

So, what does this mean for our children and schools? Research tells us that the children who perform the best are those who can ask for help, act on it and have the strength to persevere – and not in buckaroo style, but in a collective endeavour with you, with their school and with their peers. Our children learn from us – let’s show them strength in all its forms. When your children need support, let their school know and let them work with you to put that supportive net around them and when you need support, I hope you have the people around you who will work through it with you, in whatever form you need.

Please call 01273 592681 to find out more about what Shoreham College can offer you, or to arrange a personal visit at any time of the school year. www.shorehamcollege.co.uk

 

Aug 15
Love0
piglets at a farm

Beyond the barn doors – a day in the life of a livestock worker

By Education, environment, Exercise, Family Farms, Food & Eating, Forest School, fun for children, Green, Mental health, Uncategorized
by Nicola Henderson
Godstone Farm

Amongst the hustle and bustle of a busy attraction, there’s often work behind the scenes that visitors don’t see or appreciate. Welcome to a world where hard work can indeed be fun, where the welfare of animals reigns supreme and the bond between human and animal is fascinating.

Contrary to popular belief, the life of a livestock worker is not merely about mucking out, getting muddy and driving around in a tractor. It is about forging connections – building trust with our four-legged friends and fostering an environment where they thrive. Every stroke of the brush, every scoop of feed, is an opportunity to nurture this bond, reminding us of the huge part we play in the lives of these creatures.

Let’s go down on the farm and take a look at a typical day:

7.30am: As the sun climbs overhead, and the animals are waking up, the first shift of workers arrive at the farm – this assumes it’s a ‘quiet’ time of the year, and there’s no lambing or other babies due to be born. First job of the day is to open all enclosures, cages, hutches and sheds. The animals are locked away safely at night due to the continual threat of hungry foxes.

8.30am: The hungry animals receive breakfast, fresh water and a visual check. The visual check ensures the animals are acting as they should, have no cuts or abrasions and are moving around well. This time is a chance for the animals to familiarise themselves with their care givers once again and build on previously built trust. Many of the smaller animals will be handled regularly to ensure they are comfortable should any first aid or medicine need to be administered in the future. Larger animals are handled too but often with four feet still on the ground, and with two or more workers to ensure everyone’s safety.

10am: The cleaning starts! Some animals will get a spot clean, others will be due for a full muck out – it’s not hard to guess that the smelliest of all are the pigs! Mucking out isn’t just to ensure the enclosure is clean to look at and smells fresh, it also ensures the welfare of the animals. A dirty environment can contribute towards skin conditions, foot issues and spread of infectious diseases. After removing all soiled straw, pens are disinfected, and then new bedding is laid. You’ll often see the animals return to a clean bed and have a good sniff or roll around, it’s their sign of appreciation! This time spent mucking out is another opportunity to strengthen the bond between human and animal, inquisitive characters will often want to ‘help’ and it’s not unusual to see a pig steal a broom or a pony with its head in the wheelbarrow.

As the team make their way around the farm cleaning and caring for livestock, they also need to ensure the customer facing areas of the farm are ready. Customer facing areas include those where up-close interactions happen, where a trail can be followed and where bespoke experiences take place.

11.30am: The hay run! With bags piled high with hay the tractor embarks on a journey to those harder to reach areas, the further afield fields, where sheep, cows, goats and horses graze. It’s a fun part of the job, using a vehicle to get around but it can be a challenge in wet weather when the fields get muddy.

1pm: After the wheelbarrows are emptied, the paths are swept, and the buckets are washed its finally time for lunch! This is the human’s lunch time, most animals don’t get lunch, only breakfast and dinner, unless they are on medication or have a very special diet. With such physical exertion the livestock team will enjoy a hearty lunch, often microwaving leftovers and filling up on treats bought by the management team. They are particularly partial to a donut or cupcake, and it can’t be denied that they burn off the calories!

1.30pm: It’s time to get ready for any behind the scenes experiences that day – this might be the chance for budding young farmers to work with the team, or for grown-ups to feed the meerkats. For example, if the meerkats are being fed by special visitors, then a gourmet snack will be prepared, this will be tasty grubs and worms. The visitors will get to sit inside the enclosure and feed the meerkats via tongs (just in case of any fingers that look remarkably like worms). Whilst a farm will prioritise its animals living as nature intended, in genuine habitats and won’t want all its animals to be tame, some experiences do help ensure that the animals aren’t fearful of human contact. This is especially helpful if they are taken unwell. Have you ever tried to catch a wild meerkat?!

4pm: After time spent imparting knowledge and engaging with customers, it’s back to the heavy and dirty work. Most of the animals require an evening feed. This is an opportunity for a further visual check (in depth health checks are done routinely as well) and water will be replenished. Unless it’s a particularly hot evening each animal will be put to bed after their dinner, but only once their bed has been checked for extra comfiness. Animals are kept for many reasons, but generally a lot of the animals in a farm attraction will be pets and everyone will have their favourites of course!

5-6pm: Depending on the time of year the livestock workers finish their day and head home for a well-deserved bath and rest. It all starts again tomorrow. Animals need caring for 24/7, 365 days a year so taking on a farm, smallholding or even a family pet is a decision to be well considered.

Godstone Farm enjoys welcoming customers to visit their many animals with engagement and education at its heart. The farm often recruits for roles working with the livestock team but can also offer advice for anyone lookingto keep an animal as a pet. www.godstonefarm.co.uk

Aug 12
Love0
ADHD Child

How to support your child if you think they have ADHD – what parents can do to help

By Education, Mental health, special educational needs, Special support needs, Wellbeing
by Leanne Maskell
author of ADHD an A-Z and ADHD Works at Work

With years long waiting lists for NHS assessments, and an overload of information online, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed if you think your child has ADHD.

From confusion around the pros and cons of ‘labelling your child’, to untangling advocacy and ensuring they can access the support they need, it can be very stressful for parents, let alone the children they’re trying to help.

However, a formal diagnosis isn’t necessary – if you think your child has ADHD, this a great first step in being able to ‘name it to tame it’.

Here’s what else may be helpful:
1. Learn about ADHD
Research into ADHD has improved significantly over the last few years, showing how it’s not just for ‘naughty little boys’. It can be extremely helpful for parents to learn about the 30% developmental delay in executive functioning skills, such as self-awareness, impulsivity, and emotional regulation, enabling them to better understand their children through an ADHD lens.

Education provides empowerment and context. Instead of thinking a child isn’t trying, understanding ADHD can help you to see how they’re doing their best – and how to help them.

Learning about ADHD from credible sources such as books like ADHD: an A to Z can provide an overview of how this may impact your child, such as sleep, mental health, and organisation.

2. Talk to your child
Your child is the expert in themselves! Consider the reasons why you think they may have ADHD, and have an open conversation with them about this, depending on their age.

It can help to discuss challenges and strengths in a curious, collaborative, and compassionate way. Explaining that you’ve noticed some challenges and concepts like neurodiversity in accessible language can be very helpful for children’s self-esteem and sense of personal responsibility.

ADHD isn’t an excuse, but it can explain things. It’s important to involve your child in decisions affecting them, such as around diagnosis or medication.

3. Understand your options
Only a qualified medical professional can formally diagnose ADHD, and waiting lists can be very long, but it’s always worth speaking to your GP about any challenges to understand your options.

You have a legal ‘Right To Choose’ the NHS assessor your child is referred to, and providers such as Psychiatry UK operate online, and offer significantly reduced waiting times.

It’s especially important to understand shared care agreements if you’re considering a private assessment (which can be very expensive).

It’s also important to talk to your child’s school. An Education, Health, and Care Plan (EHCP) can formalise the funding and provision of tailored help such as special educational support. Your child does not need a formal diagnosis to apply.

Even without an EHCP, schools can still offer support. As ADHD can be a disability, organisations may have a legal duty to make reasonable adjustments under the Equality Act 2010, regardless of a formal diagnosis.

Finally, your child may also qualify for Disability Living Allowance, even without a diagnosis. This is financial support based on the support your child needs in terms of care and mobility.

4. Tailor your child’s environment
Children with ADHD will thrive with predictable structure and routine. Establishing clear expectations and providing positive reinforcement can be very helpful – children with ADHD have been found to receive 20,000 more negative comments than their peers by age 12!

Breaking tasks into manageable steps, limiting distractions and encouraging physical activity can support concentration. Adopting a coaching approach can help your child to take responsibility for the strategies that help them to thrive.

It’s important to provide reassurance and psychological safety, as children with ADHD may be more likely to experience mental health challenges. Having ongoing conversations about their wellbeing can help to resolve challenges early, building their confidence in knowing that they are supported.

5. Seek support
Being a parent can be very difficult, let alone one trying to understand ADHD and provide the best support possible!

Remember that you’re already doing a brilliant job, and ensure you look after your own wellbeing, such as with therapy. You can’t give from an empty cup!

Parents with ADHD may find it very helpful to connect with one another, such as within a support group. Seeking out ADHD coaching for yourself can also really help with establishing strategies to help you and your child thrive with ADHD.

Although it’s tempting to want to provide all of this support to your child above yourself, if they’re not enthusiastic, it’s unlikely to be as effective as it would be with you!

You are simply doing your best with what you have available to you, and a supportive, loving parent will always be the best medicine. ADHD is lifelong – you hADHD logoave time to figure it out together!

Leanne Maskell is an ADHD Coach, Director of ADHD Works and author of ADHD an A-Z and ADHD Works at Work

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