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Childcare and Nannying

Nov 02
Love0
relaxed child

Calm not chaos!

By Childcare and Nannying, Education, Mental health, Relationships, special educational needs
by Sarah Fisher
Founder of Connective Family

Helping parents and children to connect

Parenting is easy – said no one ever! All parents and carers need a helping hand at some point or another, whether that’s from supportive wider family, friends or another source of help. Much heated debate and discussion exists on the merits of the ‘best’ or ‘latest’ parenting approach. But one thing’s for sure – there’s no one size fits all.

Parenting struggles come in all shapes and sizes – you might be struggling to connect with your determined three year old, trying to get your teen away from a screen or experiencing aggression from your child.

Dealing with challenging behaviour from your children is exhausting – you’ve likely already tried hard to sort things out on your own, you’re quietly worried and it can feel lonely at times.

What is Connective Parenting NVR?
Connective Parenting NVR is a therapeutic parenting approach with a firm focus on connection and presence rather than ‘traditional’ parenting. What does this mean? It means that it doesn’t try to change the child’s behaviour through using consequences or rewards, but through the presence of the parent or carer in the child’s life.

Let’s explain a bit more about it.

Connective Parenting is based on the principles of non-violent resistance (you might hear this called NVR) and draws on a wide range of therapeutic models. It’s a wholly ‘doable’ approach because it’s easy to adapt to whatever challenges you’re facing.

In a nutshell, Connective Parenting NVR can help you create a stronger connection, reduce meltdowns and feel in control. Connection brings positive change and works with all families – birth parents, foster carers, adoptive parents and kinship carers.

If we focus on building connections with our children, it starts to open the door to a different relationship, better communication and less disruptive behaviour.

So, where to start?
The Connective Parenting NVR approach is about us as adults looking after children and thinking about how we react and interact with them.

Start with you:
It takes energy to make changes and if you feel overwhelmed or like you’re running on empty, you need to work on this first, otherwise it’s hard or even impossible! Try some deep breathing, go for a short walk each day, read a few pages of a book, listen to music – whatever works for you.

Raise your presence:
Children need us to see them, hear them and acknowledge them, but if you’re feeling low or exhausted by their behaviours, it’s easy to back away. If this happens, their behaviours are more likely to escalate because they’re feeling a sense of disconnection. Think of it as connecting before correcting.

De-escalate:
This is where you’re taking control of the situation as an adult in a calm and resolute way. Difficult, yes and even more so if you’re running on empty (note the point above!). There’s lots more on this but, essentially, by connecting before correcting you’re working on the relationship not the behaviour and through that reducing the challenges.

A bit about baskets!
Multi-tasking has become a way of life for many parents and carers. Add managing challenging behaviours from our child or children and it can quickly overwhelm the best of us.

Connective Parenting NVR helps to prioritise concerns using a simple basket technique. You can use three baskets, as below, or just focus on two – the small and the large one, it’s entirely up to you, whichever you find easiest.

Here’s how:
1. The small basket is your priority basket – no more than two behaviours you want to deal with, the things that must stop. Focus on this one first.

2. The middle basket is for those things you can negotiate on – things you’re not going to totally ignore, but will think about how to handle them at some point, like bad language. If there’s two of you, be consistent and agree what’s in each basket.

3. The large basket is for everything else – all the things that are annoying but that you’re going to ignore for now. This one will likely be full but ‘let it go’.

All of the above will help to build that stronger connection with your child. It might feel a whole lot like your child doesn’t want to connect with you – but don’t let that stop you from trying. Watch their favourite movie with them, send a text to say hi when they’re out, sit on the floor with them and play a game. Keep going and you’ll soon start to see positive changes.

Parents are often reluctant to ask for help in case people think they’re ‘failing’. But there’s absolutely no shame in reaching out. Often it’s good to try something new, learn a few practical tips and techniques and put them quickly into practice by adding them to your parenting toolkit. We all need one!

Sarah Fisher is a coach, author of two books and founder of Sussex-based Connective Family, an organisation supporting parents, carers and their families. www.connectivefamily.com

 

Jul 01
Love0
claim holiday camp money

FREE holiday clubs for eligible children: What is HAF and how can it help me?

By Childcare and Nannying, Education, environment, family, Finance, Holiday camps

Since 2021 the government has funded a programme called HAF (Holiday, Activities and Food programme) across all areas of the country.

Research has shown that the school holidays can be pressure points for some families. For some children this can lead to a holiday experience gap, with some children being:
• Less likely to access organised holiday activities.
• More likely to experience ‘unhealthy holidays’ in terms of nutrition and physical health.
• More likely to experience social isolation.

In response to this research there are now a large number of holiday club providers who are offering HAF places to eligible children (from reception to year 11).

The aims of the programme are to ensure children:
• Eat healthily over the school holidays.
• Are active during the school holidays.
• Take part in engaging and enriching activities which support the development of resilience, character and wellbeing.
• Be safe and not to be socially isolated.
• Have a greater knowledge of health and nutrition.

Currently a very low percentage of those eligible are actually using their free places. It is really important to raise the profile of this programme across all areas to ensure it reaches as many children and families as possible. The benefits and opportunities this programme offers are huge, however many families are put off because they do not realise they are eligible or because they don’t understand what it means.

For any parent or carer who receives any financial support for their children it is worth exploring this further. There are a wide range of clubs that offer HAF spaces and we need to make sure these places are filled to ensure the continued funding of the programme. Whenever you see HAF activities being advertised please help spread the word and let’s get this great programme out to as many families as possible.

For further information please visit www.gov.uk/government/publications/holiday-activities-and-food-programme/holiday-activities-and-food-programme-2023

Mar 24
Love0
empathy to children

Gentle parenting: Is there a ‘right’ way to raise your child?

By Childcare and Nannying, Relationships

Every family is different. The dynamic of siblings, home environment, and work-life balance are unique to each family throughout the world. This means that multiple parenting styles have evolved in your lifetime and beyond, including one named ‘gentle parenting’.

Gentle parenting encourages a positive relationship between the parent and child. The parenting style argues that kindness allows children to follow the rules out of love rather than fear. This is achieved through connection, communication, and consistency.

Dr Becky Kennedy, a child psychologist specialising in gentle parenting, believes this parenting style influences children for the better: “Our children are watching us and learning how we respond to stress and uncertainty. Let’s wire our children for resilience and not panic.”

Here, we’ll explore gentle parenting in more detail and consider whether it can be the ‘right’ way to raise your child.

How can you practice gentle parenting?
There are five crucial elements of gentle parenting. Follow these steps to introduce this parenting style in your child’s life.

Empathy
In order to practice gentle parenting, you need to feel comfortable empathising with your child. This means putting yourself in their frame of mind before responding to their actions. If they are upset, for example, you can ask them to explain their feelings rather than assuming. So rather than shouting at a child for crying and acting out, you could take a moment to stand back and evaluate the situation.

Respect
Gentle parenting encourages parents to treat children how they would like themselves to be treated. After all, children may not be adults, but they deserve as much respect as any other human being. And just because you are in a position of power, you don’t have to use that authority to silence or force them into complicity.

Boundaries
Gentle parenting argues that the absence of discipline does not equal disorder. So you can still set boundaries, such as enforcing rules surrounding bedtime or negative language. In order to do this, the NSPCC recommends setting simple boundaries that are easy to understand, encouraging an open conversation surrounding these boundaries, and being willing to adapt and negotiate these as your child grows and develops.

Understanding
Children are continuously growing and learning. As a result, they may not understand how to communicate their wants and needs. Gentle parenting argues that you must strive to understand the emotions and feelings of your child, even if they don’t have
the emotional intelligence to do this for themselves.

Discipline and reward
Gentle parenting encourages parents to communicate with children in calming tones, choosing to discuss mistakes rather than shouting as a form of punishment. So if they cry because they want to wear their favourite wellies and raincoat on a warm summer’s day, try to explain why they can’t before simply saying, “because I said so”.

On the other hand, you should also refrain from rewarding your child for simple acts. If they have scored at a school football match, for example, you should say “who passed you the ball” rather than “you did a good job”. Dr Beth Kennedy explains this as wiring your child for independence: “When you orient a child to focus on the impact of their feelings on you instead of the reality of the feelings inside themselves, you are wiring a child for co-dependency.”

What are the benefits?
It’s no secret that gentle parenting can be challenging. In any stressful situation, your immediate response might be to force your child into obedience. There are multiple benefits, however, that might help you persist with the parenting style.

Reinforcing calm
Children learn everything from their parents. No matter how small the action or reaction, they will learn how to replicate this for themselves. So you can reinforce a calm mindset within their lives by staying calm in the face of chaos.

Establishing social skills
Everyone is taught to follow the rules, but children may realise that they don’t necessarily ‘need’ to follow them. By establishing simple and understandable rules at home, children are more likely to respect these in their later life, such as at school or work.

Reducing anxiety
Imagine being shouted at by someone twice your height and size. You would no doubt feel anxious. It makes sense, therefore, that removing these negative behaviours will reduce these feelings for your child, both in and outside your home.

What are the negatives?
Gentle parenting can be overwhelming. It isn’t easy to face every emotional breakdown with calm while remembering to go against every instinct to ‘shush’ your child when they drop to the floor and scream while you’re out shopping. Sometimes parents struggle to find an equal balance between setting firm boundaries and being gentle.

Sami, a mother of three from Lancashire, found that her daughter acted out due to poorly executed gentle parenting. Instead of encouraging her child to behave, for example, gentle parenting led her daughter to misunderstand her kindness for weakness and act out regularly. But she has since learned how to set more firm boundaries.

So, is gentle parenting the ‘right’ way to raise your child?
There is no ‘right’ way to raise your child. All you can do as a parent is try your best. If you believe that a gentle parenting approach is the best for your child, then you should feel able to do this while knowing your child is being appropriately raised.

On the other hand, if you feel more attuned to an authoritarian or permissive parenting style, you’re free to explore these other options too. Everyone is different, and that’s OK!

Gentle parenting has multiple attractive qualities. While it may seem like the best idea to raise your child with these guidelines in mind, remember that you’re able to learn the ropes alongside your growing child. Be easy on yourself, and enjoy the beauties of parenthood one day at a time.

For further information please visit www.muddypuddles.com

 

Mar 16
Love0
Mother power

How to care less about what people think of you and your parenting

By Childcare and Nannying, family, Relationships
by Poppy O’Neill
best-selling author of mental health books
for children, teens and adults

We butt up against other people’s emotions every day, in real life and online. People tend to feel a lot more comfortable sharing their emotions and opinions with women, and once you have children in tow, some take it as an open invitation to provide feedback on everything from your appearance to your children’s behaviour.

Having other people’s emotions put upon you can make you feel like they are then your problem to solve, which can cause a lot of anxiety.

Gender stereotypes and other people’s emotions
From very early on girls’ emotions are treated as less important than boys. A study carried out by Sussex University showed that adults respond to babies’ cries differently depending on their sex, with greater sympathy shown to boys.

Gender stereotyping is the cause of many of the ways women are on the back foot socially, psychologically and economically. One of the most common ways gender stereotypes manifest psychologically and emotionally in women is often known as ‘people-pleasing’.

If you’re a people-pleaser, the prospect of conflict, being disliked or even disagreement can feel uncomfortable and sometimes even threatening. For people-pleasers, it seems like a better option just to go along with what other people think and want, even at the expense of their own needs. This disconnects us from what we truly think and want – we lose touch with ourselves by focusing on other people.

The first step to unlearning people-pleasing is to recognise it within yourself.

If you:
• Apologise often
• Struggle to say no
• Don’t admit when your feelings are hurt
• Often assume people are angry or disappointed with you

…you have people-pleasing tendencies. Once you can recognise people-pleasing in yourself, you have the power to take control. It’s not easy, but it’s worth the hard work. The secret is to learn to pause, name the feeling and breathe through the discomfort.

Other people’s emotions are nothing to do with you
The belief that we are responsible for the actions or emotions of other people is common among women. We’re brought up to be nice and to put others’ feelings ahead of our own. Becoming a mother can reinforce this because our children’s emotions are, to a certain extent, tied to our own. As we’re solely responsible for these tiny human beings for such a big proportion of the time, our own wellbeing feels like it’s dependent on keeping them calm and happy.

The key to letting go of the idea that other people’s emotions are our responsibility is to build a sense of trust. When you trust other adults to handle their own emotions and look after themselves, you can let go of some of that guilt that comes when you cancel plans, break bad news or give criticism.

What’s more, when you hurt your own feelings in order to save someone else’s, that’s not actually you being kind – it’s you trying to avoid your own discomfort. Many of us would much rather inconvenience ourselves than someone else, because the latter brings up complex feelings of guilt and shame that come from defying the stereotype of the selfless woman.

When you trust someone to deal with life like a grown-up, you’re showing them – and yourself – respect.

What you can and can’t control
Other people’s emotions are not within your control. Thank goodness they’re not, because it would be exhausting if they were! Focusing on what you can control, rather than what you can’t, can lead to better mental health and higher self-esteem.

Psychologists call the sense of how much power we have over our own lives a ‘locus of control’. Everyone has a locus of control that falls somewhere on a spectrum between internal and external.

Internal locus of control: The belief that you have some power over the events in your life and the choices you make.

External locus of control: The belief that events in your life and your responses to them are controlled exclusively by other people.

Of course, some things truly are out of our control, but the more we focus our attention on what we have the ability to change, the greater our sense of power, responsibility and safety in the world. For example, if it rains on your birthday you can’t stop the weather, but you can dress in waterproofs or stay inside. Those who focus on the weather will feel worse than those who focus on how they’ll adapt to the less-than-perfect conditions.

When you’re feeling stressed out by other people, it can help to remind yourself of what you can and can’t control.

What I can control
My responses
My actions
My boundaries
How I take care of my emotions.

What I can’t control
Other people’s emotions
Other people’s thoughts
Other people’s actions
Other people’s boundaries.

It’s natural to care about what other people think of us and how they feel, but putting other people’s feelings above our own is a recipe for resentment and burnout. Remember – you don’t need to make sense to others, and you can trust other adults to be responsible for their own emotions.

Mother Power by Poppy O’Neill is an honest and empowering guide to parenting for all mothers. Know and grow your power as a mother with this honest, guilt-free parenting guide that champions your own needs and wellbeing as well as those of your children. Available now in all good bookstores priced at £10.99.
Mar 14
Love0
loving hands

Your guide to overcoming separation anxiety: Leaving your baby for the first time

By baby health, Childcare and Nannying, family, Relationships

Baby separation anxiety is a real struggle for many parents. When the moment comes to leave your baby for the first time, your parental instinct kicks in. “Would my baby be safe?”, “What if something happens, and I’m not there?”, “Is my baby sad right now?” are only some of the questions that start spiralling in your head when you close the door and leave your baby behind, even if it’s just for one hour.

Although your baby is in safe hands, you can’t help but feel like your heart is breaking into tiny pieces, because you don’t know what’s happening with your baby every minute. Nevertheless, leaving your baby for the first time and getting over the separation anxiety is beneficial for both you and your baby. Baby brand, Nuby, explores how to cope with separation anxiety and make sure that your baby is safe and happy.

The earlier you overcome it, the better
Separation anxiety is normal and usually affects young children between the ages of six months and three years. It usually fades after that, but if the symptoms persist, it can have a long-term impact on your child.

The earlier you start practising leaving them, the easier it will be for them to get used to it and overcome any potential separation anxiety.

As a parent, you also might be suffering from some form of separation anxiety, so it’s important to take the right steps to leaving your baby for the first time.

Do it gradually
You don’t have to jet off on holiday the first time you leave your baby – this will cause turmoil to both of you.

Instead, practise being separate gradually. At first, you might dedicate a two-hour slot where you leave them in your house with their grandparents. It’s advisable that the first times you leave them, it’s with someone they know and in a familiar setting to ease the shock of separation. Later, you can start trusting a nanny or a childminder to take care of your baby while you’re away.

After the first trial, you can slowly start extending the time you’re away from them and even leave them at their grandparents’ and nanny’s house for a night or two. The more often you do it, the easier it will get.

Don’t hold onto the guilt
It’s normal to feel guilty when you first leave your baby. But just like in many other life situations, guilt is not a healthy feeling to experience. Even though it’s totally valid, try not to fall into the trap of self-agonising over the fact that you’ve left your child in the hands of someone else.

It’s something that you need to overcome, as it will help develop a healthy relationship between the two of you and not a co-dependent one. You’re teaching your baby to trust you but not rely on you for everything. Retrospectively, you’re learning that your child is its own person and will eventually grow and separate from you for much longer than an hour-long coffee break. So, the earlier you start the process, the better.

Give clear instructions
Babies have their own individual routines. Whether they like to have a snack right before bed to help them nod off or be read their favourite bedtime story, this is what they’re used to.

Your babysitter’s approach might not match that, so it’s important to communicate your baby’s precise routine with them. This will help your baby to settle and will ensure that there is no additional unfamiliarity and stress.

Pack a comforter
Before you leave, pack a bag of newborn essentials that will be at hand for your babysitter, and make sure to include a comforter.

While their main source of comfort, you, might be away, your babysitter can resort to their physical comforts. Perhaps your baby has a specific toy they like to cuddle or play with, or, for a newborn, they love being tucked in their cosy sleeping bag.

Prepare these items in advance, so that your baby can feel secure in an unfamiliar situation if needed.

Don’t sneak away
Easing your baby into the temporary separation is crucial. This applies to the moment your babysitter arrives and the moment you leave the house.

Dedicate some time to help your baby get used to their babysitter, whether that’s a childminder, a nanny or their grandparents, while you’re still there.

When you’re leaving, don’t just sneak away. Rather, kiss your baby and say a happy goodbye, after which your babysitter will immediately engage their attention and hopefully stop them from crying.

It’s also advisable that your babysitter picks up the baby right away, so that they feel secure in their hands and build a positive relationship.

Leaving your baby for the first time can be frightening, but it’s an essential part of the growing up process. Practising healthy separation from early on will ensure your child becomes its own individual and is able to be on its own.

For further information please see www.nuby-uk.com
Mar 02
Love0
birthwise

Bringing up baby – who is making you feel guilty?

By Childcare and Nannying, prenancy, Relationships

When it comes to parenthood, I believe we are hard wired like all mammals to fiercely protect, nourish and raise the next generation. Our attention to this biological task makes us particularly susceptible to the perceived wisdom as to how best to do this. Having had a keen interest in baby and childcare and early years education over the last 40 plus years, one thing I have observed is that every childbirth and baby guru of their time is deposed by the new emergent one. Former ‘truths’ on how to best prepare for labour, ensure good feeding/sleep habits/social skills and so on get rubbished as the pendulum swings from left to right. What is the ‘must do’ one decade is ‘avoid at all costs’ the next, with dire warnings of what will befall your impressionable infant in later life if you ignore the latest theory on bringing up baby.

A small example of changing trends is how baby should sleep. In the l950s babies were placed on alternate sides. This was thought to prevent choking, avoid a flat head and to flatten ears. In the l960s-1980s the advice was to place baby on its front to avoid choking, ease tummy aches and strengthen baby’s neck. Concern over cot deaths (more to do probably with smoky rooms, low breastfeeding rates and overheating than position) the advice again changed and from the l990s onward the advice is to place baby on its back with very light cover.

Lets look at the influencers. The first baby and childcare guru was Truby King, a childcare and health reformer from New Zealand. His premise was that a rigid routine of feeding, toilet training, sleeping, exposure to fresh air and limited physical contact led to good health and a robust character in later life. In his 1937 book ‘Feeding and Care of Baby’, Truby King warns “Fond and foolish over-indulgence, mismanagement, and ‘spoiling’ may be as harmful to an infant as callous neglect or intentional cruelty.” Are you appalled? Well, his doctrine spread across the Western world in the first half of the 20th century, and his theories of necessary strict routine, potty training, lots of fresh air, crying being good for the lungs and so on were still popular in the 1950s. The notion he introduced of ‘spoiling baby’ is now refuted, but this would have been the method by which our national treasures were raised (including our late Queen), and your own grandparents! How did they turn out?

So it was with relief that 1960s parents embraced the kindlier advice of Dr Benjamin Spock, an American paediatrician whose book ‘Baby and Child Care’ was one of the best selling books of the 20th century. His first chapter is entitled ‘Trust Yourself – You know more than you think you do’, followed by the reassurance “Don’t take too seriously all that the neighbours say. Don’t be overawed by what the experts say. Don’t be afraid to trust your own common sense“. Great advice, I think, that doesn’t date.

Dr Spock’s theories were followed by Dr Penelope Leach, an English psychologist and baby guru. She started the fashion of baby centred parenting. If you are a young parent or parent-to-be reading this, your own early years are likely to have been heavily influenced by the wisdom of both Dr Spock and Dr Leach. In the last twenty years the ‘Continuum Concept’ theory has been popular leading to many ‘Attachment Focused’ baby and child care publications.

But, guess what? About 15 years ago Gina Ford (neither a mother, nor a paediatrician but a nanny) revisited the concept of establishing strict routines. Her ‘Contented Little Baby Book’ became a best seller and made her the first baby care guru of the 21st century. Along similar lines, Ferber Sleep Training and the ‘Cry it Out’ method is also currently popular with exhausted parents.

And so the pendulum of advice continues to swing back and forth. However, I have never known quite such polarisation of advice competing for validation at the same time. I follow several online support groups for new parents, most following a particular baby care approach. I am concerned that many mums are exhausted to the point of hallucination by feeling they need to observe the doctrine of having their babies and toddlers physically attached to them at all times, and letting baby take the lead on everything, including toddler night feedings. Don’t misunderstand me, if you just love co-sleeping, contact napping, baby wearing or toddler demand feeding, that’s great and you will treasure this special time and confidently bat away those who tell you that you are establishing bad habits or “spoiling” baby. But if baby wearing is not for you, that’s all right too.

It’s also OK to reject the ‘must do’ baby sleep training if it doesn’t gel with your personality or is counter intuitive. Really, experience and observation has convinced me that there’s no one right way of bringing up baby. I suggest you do your own research – ask what is working for your friends and ask what advice worked for your family. Maybe look at your mum’s old copy of Penelope Leach. I’ve had four children spread over 12 years. Each brought their individual personality and sensitivities into the world. What suited one baby certainly didn’t the next, and my baby care needed to adapt to that (although I too was influenced by the latest trend).

Make sure your antenatal course covers the fourth trimester and early parenthood, and that your teacher spends time looking at the different approaches to baby care, so you can consider what feels right for you, your lifestyle and your particular baby. And to quote Dr Spock: “Trust your instincts”.

“I think attending a good antenatal class will prove to be one of your best decisions, with the benefits of ongoing support and friendship.”
Jackie Whitford runs Birth Wise classes in Lewes and Henfield.
For further details please visit www.birth-wise.co.uk
Feb 14
Love0
happy parenting

Parenting hacks no one tells you

By Childcare and Nannying, family, fun for children, Mental health, Relationships

by Richard Templar
author of ‘The Rules of…’ series.

Being a parent is always going to be tricky at times, and while there’s no magic wand to make it run smoothly all the time, there are strategies that will help make it easier and more enjoyable. I’m not talking about tips and hints for potty training or getting them to sleep, useful as some of those can be. I’m talking about mindsets that will help frame your attitude to the whole parenting thing, in ways that make your life – and the kids’ lives – easier.

Do not be afraid of a bit of boredom
There can be pressure nowadays to run your kids around to countless after-school and weekend activities – football, swimming, drama, martial arts, dance, music classes and sessions. It keeps them busy, and boy does it keep you busy. However, the best thing for kids to do with their free time is nothing at all. That’s because it frees up their imagination and encourages real creativity. It’s actually better for the kids to run around together with sticks making up games, or look under stones in the park for insects, than to be organised by someone else. Being bored is the best stimulus the imagination can have, and most kids – especially if you can get them together with siblings or other kids – won’t stay bored for long. Our kids are going to grow up into a world where creativity and imagination are hugely valued, yet they risk having had less chance to cultivate it than previous generations. So give them a head start by incorporating loads of empty time into their week. That’s not to say all extra-curricular activities are a bad thing – they can be great – but while your kids are young a couple of sessions a week is plenty, and it’s healthier for them to fill the rest of their time themselves, while you settle down with a cuppa.

Sibling squabbling is healthy
I mentioned siblings back there, and if you have more than one child you’ll probably have experienced your share of sibling squabbles. So know this: squabbling is really healthy. It’s better than not squabbling. Yes I know it doesn’t always feel that way, and sometimes less is more, but next time you hear the kids bickering or fighting, smile and tell yourself it’s a good thing. Why? Because until you squabble, you can’t learn how to resolve an argument. Your kids are learning how far they can push someone, what helps get the other person on their side, how to control their anger, what works and what doesn’t – and all with someone who can’t just walk off and say “I’m not your friend any more.” Most of the world’s best diplomats grew up with siblings. So appreciate the squabbles despite everything and, above all, don’t impose solutions on them – make them find their own. You know the sort of thing: “I’m taking it away until you both/all come and tell me how you’re going to play with it without arguing.”

Lead by example
A good friend once asked me, “How do I get my kids to understand do what I say, not what I do?” The answer is very simple: you can’t. You have to set the example and if you can’t do it, why would you expect a child to be able to? Especially when the person they most love and respect isn’t doing it. So, if your child forgets their pleases and thank yous, or is always interrupting, or shouts at you a lot, it’s worth checking your own behaviour. I’m not saying it’s always down to you – lots of kids go through these phases without any help – but if your record isn’t a hundred percent, you’ll improve their behaviour much faster if you can change your own. And it’s surprising how many parents give their kids instructions without a please, or forget to say thank you to them. It’s understandable in the hustle and bustle of parenting, but you’re making your own job harder than it needs to be.

Healthy parenting – not perfect parentingrules of everything
And finally, always remember that you shouldn’t even try to be perfect. Can you imagine what a burden it would put on kids to have perfect parents? Parents who were always right, who gave you nothing to kick against? Who couldn’t model how to apologise for mistakes because they never made them – or how to make up after an argument because they never argued? A perfect parent gives their child no clue how to be human, how to be flawed and imperfect but accept themselves as they are. If you can be a bit forgetful, or short-tempered, or neurotic, brilliant! That’s just what your kids need to see – that normal healthy adults can function perfectly well, and have great relationships, without having to be entirely prefect in every way. So next time you think you’ve messed up, don’t berate yourself. Just think, “Phew! I’ve dodged being perfect!”

Richard Templar is the author of the global best-selling ‘The Rules of…’ series. The Rules of Everything is published by Pearson, priced at £12.99, and is available from Amazon and all good book stores.

Nov 03
Love0

Have you heard about the latest trend in childcare?

By Childcare and Nannying, children's health, Education, family, Relationships, Work employment

by Adele Aitchison
GrandNanny Founder
www.grandnanny.co.uk

New childcare services in the UK are offering families the chance of reliable, flexible, part-time childcare from experienced over-50s. From mental wellbeing, to being a substitute grandparent for families, the benefits of intergenerational childcare are becoming clear to parents, children AND older workers.

Parents can all identify with the strain of stretching their time to cover work, home admin, the school or nursery run, and after-school activities. Twenty four hours in a day don’t seem enough! ‘The juggle is real’ and whether your child is in nursery or school, finding the right childcare solution can be fraught with worry and frustration, especially at a time when some nurseries and after-school clubs have shut down locally.

It’s clear that families need reliability and experience. Now that many people’s work patterns have changed from the classic ‘9 to 5’ – whether because of flexible working, working from home, or night shifts – flexibility is also really important, but often difficult to find.

As a new solution, the UK has recently started adopting a trend that’s already popular in the US and Japan – matching older people with young families, to give them the reliable, part-time childcare they desperately need. Research has shown intergenerational programmes can improve mental and physical wellbeing for older people, whilst helping the kids they care for have better age-empathy, development and social skills.

As founder of GrandNanny, I was inspired by my memories of being looked-after, as a child, by my grandparents. My grandparents were very involved in my childcare growing up, but when I moved to London, I realised loneliness among older adults is a huge issue. This is especially true for those who aren’t in touch with family or who aren’t working. I felt strongly that families were missing the huge experience and care older adults can bring. I could see very clearly the benefits of connecting older people to those in their communities and have seen hugely positive feedback from all age-groups.

For older workers, nannying can promote mental and physical wellbeing, with a job that keeps body and brain active and provides a valued role in the family and wider community. If they were previously not considered for a job because of their age, their experience is viewed with a fresh perspective – as a valuable skill – and they are ‘seen’ again by the society. Parents get reliable help from someone who really gets to know their family and child and has a range of skills and specialist knowledge from their previous careers. Kids get all the great stuff you’d expect, from someone to help with reading or homework or to bake, play music and go to the park with.

Anna, a 57 year old former receptionist who lost her job last year, started nannying two months after being made redundant, taking care of siblings aged seven and three. She became a grandparent figure for them – getting them ready in the morning and taking them to school, cooking dinner, and reading a bedtime story. Having three grown-up girls and a grandson and always looking after kids for friends, she had plenty of personal experience of childcare. Anna says working as a nanny helps her to keep a young and optimistic outlook and spend time in the fresh air, but also gives her the flexibility to look after her own grandson while still earning an income.

The family Anna works for say she has been a great help to them, really helping lighten the load. She has also become a ‘substitute grandparent’ to the children in her care, something that’s all the more precious because they don’t have their biological grandparents close-by.

So far, as this new approach to childcare takes off in the UK, a huge range of over-50s, from musicians to events organisers, former teachers to nurses say they have found a new and rewarding career as a nanny. They can bring unexpected skills in creativity or learning that the family might not get in a different childcare setting, as well as specialist knowledge for children with specific additional needs.

The families who’ve seen the huge benefits of an over-50s childcarer for their families, really appreciate the flexibility and peace of mind such a service offers.

For anyone who may not have had a nanny before, this important new trend seems to be a win-win-win situation for everyone involved.

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