family Archives - Page 2 of 17

Mar 06

The importance of physical activity on children’s mental wellbeing

By Iain Boyle Childcare and Nannying, environment, Exercise, family, fun for children, play, Playing

by Debbie Webb,
Founder of Activ8 For Kids

Physical activity is an all encompassing term, which can refer to PE lessons at school, participation in team or individual sports, running around at the park and much more. Each one brings its own physical benefits such as healthy bones and muscles, a strong heart and lungs as well as developing fundamental movement skills, speed, strength and stamina. However, physical activity can bring a wealth of other benefits to children, meaning that even if your child is not ‘sporty’, helping them develop a lifelong habit of regular physical activity can help them across many aspects of their life.

Physical activity is defined by the World Health Organisation as any bodily movement produced by skeletal muscles that requires energy expenditure. This includes walking to school, cleaning their rooms, kicking a ball around in their garden and any other movement that uses energy. The NHS recommends that children aged five to 18 years need to take part in 60 minutes of physical activity per day and for children under five it is 180 minutes.

We know that this is important for physical health and the importance of developing strong bones and muscles at a young age but do we consider all the other benefits our children are getting when they are being physically active?

As adults we have all been there; it is cold outside and we want to stay inside, warm and dry, but we feel tired, lethargic, possibly even a little low or agitated. If we are able to pull ourselves out for a walk, the fresh air can help wake us up, make us feel more invigorated and awake. We may return feeling tired, but it is a different type of tiredness – a good tiredness. It is the same for children, physical activity in any form can wake the brain up, release good chemicals and help them feel more alive.

We live in a society where computer games, TV and social media are part of life but it is important to help our children develop habits of coming away from screen time whenever they can, or at least to plan in breaks from the screens. A family walk along the beach, or in the woods can have so many positive effects on the whole family, time to talk, have fun with each other, wake your brains up and step away from the screen. It doesn’t have to be a long trek, a short walk around the block can have similar effects.

What are the benefits?
Physical activity can help hugely with maintaining mental health. Endorphins are released during all types of physical activity and can help to improve mood, energy levels and sleep. Physical activity has also been linked to a more positive body image in children and young people.

We are hearing more and more about rising anxiety levels in children. Physical activity can help break the cycle of anxiety by helping them focus on something different and gaining a sense of achievement, even if that is a short walk, taking a ball down to the beach or getting out on their bike. The feel good chemicals released in the brain during activity can also help a child with anxiety. There are so many pressures on children and young people in today’s society and many of these are amplified by social media. Taking part in physical activity can help children make friendships out of school, improve their confidence and help them with social anxiety.

There are many activities available that don’t focus on elite ability and are there to encourage physical activity, it is a case of exploring the options, looking at holiday activities, after-school clubs and going out with your child when you can. The benefits to your child’s mental wellbeing will be priceless and will stay with them for the rest of their lives. We need to help children recognise how physical activity makes them feel better about themselves and encourage them to find the activities they enjoy.

Debbie Webb is a qualified teacher and sports coach. She runs Activ8 For Kids and has developed programmes of activity for the different ages and stages between two and sixteen years old based on the fundamental movement skills. For more information please visit www.activ8forkids.co.uk

Mar 05

Love0

Stress-free birthday parties

By Iain Boyle Exercise, family, fun for children, Party, Playing

by Lily Derbyshire
AirHop

Outsource and sit back!

Your child’s birthday should be a joyous occasion but it often turns into a significant source of stress due to planning for the big day! From choosing a theme and organising activities and entertainment, to preparing food and cleaning up the aftermath, the to-do list can suddenly feel endless and costs can add up too. The good news is, there is a solution that ensures a memorable and stress-free experience for both parents and children: opting for a venue with dedicated children’s party services. Generally, most activity or play centres will have a range of party packages readily available to suit different requirements and budgets.

One of the biggest advantages of booking a party package at a venue with activity-based facilities is the significant reduction in stress. Planning and hosting a party at home means taking on countless responsibilities such as decorating, organising games, preparing food and drinks and cleaning up, alongside ensuring the party runs smoothly from start to finish. It is easy to see why hosting at home can sometimes seem more like a chore than a celebration.

Additionally, play and activity centres have a range of attractions, activities and trained hosts already in place that aren’t available at home, to ensure guests have an exciting and action-packed party. The truth is, children do not measure the success or value of their party by the hours put in by their parents organising it but how memorable and how much fun they and their friends had. Everyone wants to have the party that children will talk about long after.

By booking a party package at an activity centre, parents can delegate these tasks to experienced party hosts. Many venues handle everything from set up, activities and entertainment, to food and cleaning up, leaving the parents free to focus on what matters most – enjoying the special day with their child. Imagine walking into a fully prepared party, watching activities run effortlessly, and leaving at the end with no mess to clean up. Hosting at an activity centre eliminates the ‘what if’ worries: What if it rains? What if we run out of food? What if the children get bored? With experienced staff and well-equipped facilities, venues are prepared for any scenario. It is not just a party for your child – it is a gift for yourself!

While stress-free planning is a huge win for parents, the real magic of hosting at an activity centre venue lies in the experience it offers the children. Trampoline parks, in particular, are a standout choice. Combining high-energy fun with physical activity, they offer an unforgettable setting that keeps children entertained from start to finish. With wall-to-wall trampolines, giant airbags, dodgeball courts and many other exciting attractions, trampoline parks cater to a wide range of ages and energy levels and are sure to keep the children active.

Beyond being fun, trampolining is a fantastic form of exercise. It is three times more effective than jogging when it comes to burning calories, all while being easier on joints. As the children jump, they will engage multiple muscle groups, improving their balance and coordination and get their hearts pumping – all without even realising they are exercising and far away from any screens!

Trampoline parks provide a safe environment for high-energy play, featuring facilities designed with safety in mind and supervision from trained staff and party hosts to ensure a secure and enjoyable experience for everyone. Guests can engage in physical activity by bouncing around the park, the perfect outlet for their energy. Parents can relax and have a coffee, knowing their children are in safe hands. By the time the party comes to a close, the children will be happily tired from all the excitement.

When it comes to stress-free party packages, AirHop and Jump In Adventure and Trampoline Parks features multiple locations nationwide and a range of party packages designed for all ages, making it easy to plan a celebration that’s stress-free for parents and exciting for the children. AirHop’s party packages include everything you need for a fantastic party: hoptastic jump time, access to private party areas, delicious food options and even a FREE return bounce pass for the birthday child. Visit the www.airhop.co.uk to learn more and book your next party.

Mar 03

Love0

Having a family through surrogacy

By Iain Boyle family, Fostering and adoption, Relationships

by Rachael House
Partner, Dutton Gregory

As society evolves, it is becoming increasingly common for those with difficulties surrounding fertility or conception to turn to surrogacy as the path to parenthood.

What is surrogacy?
Surrogacy is where a woman (the surrogate) carries a baby on behalf of a couple or an individual who intends to become the child’s parents.

There are two types of surrogacy:
• Traditional surrogacy – the surrogate becomes pregnant through artificial insemination and using her own eggs, so is genetically related to the baby.
• Host surrogacy – the surrogate is impregnated through IVF using either eggs from a donor or the intended mother, meaning the surrogate does not have a genetic link with the baby. In recent years, this has become the more frequently used method of surrogacy.

What is the legal position?
At present, surrogacy is legal in the UK. However, the law states that the woman who gives birth to the child is the legal parent, and will have parental responsibility regardless of genetic relation to the child, contracts or payments. If she is married, she and her spouse are both the legal parents. This means that the intended parent/s do not have any rights to the child until a ‘Parental Order’ is in place.

Surrogacy agreements are not legally enforceable in England and so it is important to obtain independent legal advice prior to entering into any treatment.

What is a ‘Parental Order’?
A Parental Order permanently reassigns parenthood to the intended parent/s. It allows the proposed individual/s to become the legal parent/s of the child and permanently extinguishes the parenthood of a surrogate and any spouse.

Once a Parental Order is made, the birth certificate is re-registered to record the intended parent/s as the legal parent/s. The original birth certificate will be sealed as part of the Parental Order Register and will only be available to the child once they are over 18.

The surrogate must agree to this unconditionally. If there is disagreement about who the child’s legal parents should be (i.e. the surrogate would like to keep the child,) the courts will make a decision based on the best interests of the child.

What is the process for a Parental Order?
To attain a Parental Order, the proposed parent(s) must demonstrate to the Family Court that the transferred parenthood is for the child’s best interest and they meet all the following criteria:

Applying with a partner:
• One party must be biologically related to the child (the egg or sperm donor).
• The couple must be married, civil partners or living as partners.
• The child must reside with the couple permanently in the UK, Channel Islands or Isle of Man.
• The application must be within six months of the child’s birth (unless there are exceptional circumstances).

If an applicant is applying as an individual, they must be biologically related to the child (the egg or sperm donor) and if the surrogacy took place outside of the UK, then any application needs to be made to the High Court.

The team at Dutton Gregory is experienced in Surrogacy Law and Parental Order applications and can assist with advice prior to entering into surrogacy arrangements, preparing and issuing court applications and guidance in obtaining a Parental Order.

Rachael House is an experienced Collaborative Law Practitioner and Partner at Dutton Gregory, so if you want advice then please contact Rachael on 01483 755609 or
r.house@duttongregory.co.uk

Mar 02

Love0

Putting children first

By Iain Boyle family, Legal, Mental health

by Julian Hunt
Partner at Dean Wilson and Head of the Family Department

A guide to mindful co-parenting after separation

When marriages and partnerships end, it’s easy to get caught up in the storm of emotions and conflicts that inevitably arise. Yet amidst the troubles, there’s a group whose needs often risk being overlooked – the children. While separation is challenging for adults, its impact on children can be profound and long-lasting, potentially affecting their mental health and future relationships.

Studies have shown that it’s not the separation itself that most damages children, but rather how parents handle it. This brings us to a crucial question: How can separating parents ensure their children’s wellbeing remains at the forefront?

Building a foundation of respect
The foundation of successful co-parenting lies in maintaining respectful communication between parents. This might seem like a tough challenge when emotions are running high, but it’s essential to remember that every hostile exchange or negative comment can leave lasting impressions on children. Even when parents think their children aren’t listening, young ones often pick up on tensions through overheard conversations or social media posts.

Love without limits
One of the most significant challenges for separating parents is accepting that their child can maintain loving relationships with both parents and their new partners. Children have a remarkable capacity for love, and forcing them to choose sides or feel guilty about spending time with the other parent can create emotional wounds that take years to heal.

Flexibility emerges as another crucial element in successful co-parenting. Life doesn’t stand still after separation, and neither should parenting arrangements. Children’s needs and wishes evolve as they grow, and parents must be prepared to adapt their arrangements accordingly. This might mean being understanding when a teenager prefers spending time with friends over parent time or being willing to adjust usual arrangements to accommodate special occasions.

Keeping children out of adult matters
A common downfall in post-separation parenting is using children as messengers or confidants. While it might seem convenient to relay messages through children or seek their emotional support, this places an unfair burden on young shoulders. Children shouldn’t be drawn into adult discussions about financial matters or be asked to keep secrets from either parent. They certainly shouldn’t be pressured to lie to professionals or family members about their situations or feelings.

Creating two welcoming homes
The question of possessiveness often arises in separated families – whether over the children themselves or their belongings. A healthy approach involves making it easy for children to move between homes with their necessary items, rather than creating artificial boundaries that make them feel like visitors in either home. This extends to maintaining connections with extended family members who play important roles in children’s lives.

Special occasions and holidays present unique challenges for separated families. These moments hold significance for both parents and children. Rather than viewing these occasions as potential difficulties, parents should approach them as opportunities to demonstrate mature co-parenting. This might mean sharing celebration times or alternating years for certain events.

Individual needs, individual solutions
It’s worth noting that siblings might have different preferences for spending time with each parent, and that’s OK. Each child’s relationship with their parents is unique, and forcing identical arrangements on all siblings might not serve their individual needs. Parents should be prepared to accommodate these differences while ensuring all their children feel equally valued and loved.

Progress over perfection
Co-parenting isn’t about perfection – it’s about progress. Neither parent will get everything right all the time, and expecting perfection from either yourself or your ex-partner sets an impossible standard. What matters most is maintaining a consistent focus on your children’s wellbeing, even when faced with disagreements or challenges.

Getting professional support
For parents struggling with these transitions, professional support can be invaluable. Family mediators, family consultants and legal professionals who specialise in family law can help navigate complex situations while keeping children’s interests paramount. These experts can assist in creating sustainable parenting plans that protect children’s wellbeing while respecting both parents’ rights and responsibilities.

Looking to the future
As our understanding of children’s needs in separated families continues to evolve, one truth remains constant: children benefit most when their parents can set aside their differences to focus on co-parenting effectively. This doesn’t mean pretending past conflicts don’t exist or forcing fake relationships. Rather, it means developing a new kind of relationship – one based on mutual respect and a shared commitment to raising healthy, well-adjusted children.

The journey of separation is rarely easy, but by keeping children’s needs at the centre of all decisions, parents can help their children navigate this significant life change with resilience and security. After all, while partnerships may end, parenting is a lifelong commitment that deserves our very best efforts.

Dean Wilson LLP’s reputation has been built upon our ability to deliver and exceed our clients’ expectations. For over 100 years our success has been founded upon our client focused approach, backed by the knowledge and expertise of our lawyers. www.deanwilson.co.uk

Mar 01

Love0

Nurturing creative learning

By Iain Boyle children's health, Early Years, Education, family, Forest School, Playing, Relationships

by Sharon Mee
Artpod Brighton

Creativity is the spark that fuels curiosity, innovation, and self-expression. For children and young people, engaging in creative learning is more than just an enjoyable pastime – it’s a powerful way to develop essential skills, build confidence and navigate the world. We’re passionate about making creative opportunities accessible to everyone, empowering children and families to unlock their potential through the arts.

What is creative learning and why does it matter?
Creative learning is about fostering a child’s imagination and encouraging them to think critically, solve problems and express themselves in unique ways. Unlike traditional rote learning, which often focuses on memorising and repetition, creative learning emphasises exploration, experimentation and personal growth.

The benefits are wide-ranging:
• Boosted emotional wellbeing: Creative activities provide an outlet for children to process emotions and reduce stress.
• Enhanced problem-solving skills: By thinking outside the box, children learn to approach challenges with confidence and flexibility.
• Improved social connections: Collaborative projects foster teamwork, empathy and communication skills.
• Celebration of individual strengths: Creative learning recognises and nurtures each child’s unique talents and abilities, especially for neurodiverse learners.

For neurodiverse children, creativity can be transformative. It provides a way to express feelings and ideas that may be hard to verbalise, and it allows them to develop skills at their own pace in a supportive, flexible environment.

How parents can foster creative learning at home
Creative learning doesn’t have to be confined to schools or workshops. With a bit of imagination, parents can create a home environment where creativity flourishes.

Here are some tips to get started:
1. Provide open-ended materials
Stock up on versatile materials like paper, paints, cardboard, glue or even household items like pasta and fabric scraps. Open-ended resources encourage children to invent, design and build without strict instructions.
2. Encourage curiosity and questions
Instead of giving answers right away, ask them questions like, “What do you think would happen if…?” or “How might you solve this?” to inspire creative thinking and problem-solving.
3. Dedicate time for play
Unstructured play is a cornerstone of creativity. Set aside time where children can explore their interests, experiment and let their imaginations run wild.
4. Incorporate creativity into everyday activities
Turn daily routines into creative opportunities – designing patterns while setting the table, inventing bedtime stories together or cooking meals as a collaborative ‘art project’.
5. Celebrate effort, not perfection
Encourage children to take risks and try new things, emphasising that mistakes are part of the learning process. Celebrate the effort they put into their creations rather than focusing on the outcome.
6. Explore the arts together
Visit museums, attend performances or explore virtual art galleries. Experiencing creativity as a family can inspire children to pursue their own artistic interests.
7. Join workshops and community events
Look for local workshops or online classes to expand your child’s creative horizons.

Creative learning is a gift for life
In today’s fast-paced, tech-driven world, creative learning is more important than ever. It gives children a sense of agency, helping them navigate challenges and find joy in self-expression. Whether at home or in one of our workshops, nurturing creativity is a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Explore a world of imagination with Artpod. Visit Artpod’s website to discover workshops, events and resources that bring creative learning to life for your family. Together, we can inspire the next generation of thinkers, makers and dreamers. www.artpodbtn.com

Jan 27

Love0

The last shout

By Iain Boyle Childcare and Nannying, family, Relationships, Wellbeing

by Paul Dix
specialist in children’s behaviour

How to parent without shouting and why it’s the one tip a parenting expert says will transform your children’s behaviour.

Amongst the chaos of everyday parenting shouting feels like a natural byproduct. It is often the shortcut to calling your children to dinner/chastising them for rudeness/stopping them murdering themselves. It feels intuitive, like the right thing to do, but if you want to revolutionise the way you manage your child’s behaviour the answer is counterintuitive.

A casual shout for attention from a distance can often be the spark for confrontation, “Sam, SAM, SAAAAAAAM”, “WHAT!, why are you shouting at me flipping heck” “How dare you! Did you just swear at me….” This is intensified in the mornings as we try to raise teenagers deep in sleep by repeatedly shouting them out of bed. It needs some patience and resolve from you as a parent but the first step to change is to stop the casual shouting. Get up and speak to each other, ring a bell for dinner, agree a routine for the morning that is calm and doesn’t involve screaming. The first change, annoyingly, has to come from you. Refuse to shout, lower the volume in your home, change the intensity of your demands.

Now address the way you deal with poor behaviour. Shouting as a punishment is not effective. It underlines the “NO”, but sends all sorts of messages that you don’t want your child to receive. A shouty adult is unpredictable, seemingly angry and the worst model for emotional control. Children see, children do. If you want your child to be emotionally regulated, you need to be too. It takes a little practise but it is possible to pause, step back and see your child’s behaviour for what it really is and not as a personal attack. I know that we are all emotionally invested but emotion is not a good teacher. When it comes to behaviour your child needs a calm, rational, regulated adult. It won’t take them long to learn.

Often a child learns to change their behaviour just so that the adult doesn’t shout. The game becomes how to be more sneaky more secretively. You can get away with anything until you provoke the bear. The focus is immediately on your behaviour and not theirs. The culture in your home changes. Children behaving one way when you are there and another when the bear is asleep/out/hungover. You want your child to behave brilliantly when you are not there. They need to be able to regulate without you. Shouty parents might get their temporary needs met but they don’t meet the needs of their child. Teaching behaviour can’t be an improvisation. It needs a plan.

Having rules and holding to the boundaries is essential. You can help your child to learn those boundaries and stay within them without roaring. Instead try establishing three simple rules. Try ‘Kind, Caring, Co-operative’, or ‘Ready, Respectful, Safe’ and refer to them each time you want to correct behaviour. Use these three pegs to focus yourself and your child. “It isn’t respectful to call your Granny, ‘bruv’, ‘Remember our safe rule when we cross the road”, “I need you to be co-operative, it is an important rule, put the cake down and cut a slice”. Make sure that each time you use one of the rules you back it up with “this is how we do it here”. Your home, your rules, your culture.

Now start noticing the good stuff about your child in amongst the chaos. Encourage the idea that they can behave brilliantly. You get more of the behaviour that you notice most. Notice the behaviours that you want to encourage and link them to the rules, “Thank you for doing that without being asked, I keep noticing how kind you are” or “I noticed you were ready on time this morning. Love that.” Aim for just three moments of positive noticing a day, even on the bad days. Your child is more than their current behaviour and they need to know that you know that. The more you positively notice the harder it is for negative labels to form. Despite lapses in behaviour your child spends most of their time behaving impeccably. Notice it, build on it, encourage your child to have the most positive labels.

The route to improving your child’s behaviour and your relationship has its foundations in calm, positive interactions focused around three simple rules as mentioned earlier. It is counterintuitive but it works. In the meantime, save your shouting for inanimate objects. Strangely it makes much more sense.

Paul Dix is a specialist in children’s behaviour and the author of When the Parents Change, Everything Changes: Seismic Shifts in Children’s Behaviour

Jan 27

Love0

“… But I’m soooooo bored.” Should boredom be part of your child’s daily routine?

By Iain Boyle Education, family, fun for children, Mental health, play, Playing, Relationships, Wellbeing

by Laura Tristram
www.lumii.me

In today’s fast-paced society, boredom is typically viewed as something negative to be avoided. However, new research from the Child Mind Institute suggests that allowing children to experience boredom can actually be beneficial for both them and their parents.

Why is boredom seen negatively?
Parents, influenced by societal narratives, often perceive boredom as an unproductive and negative state. Being busy is often equated with success, leading to the belief that boredom signifies laziness. However, it’s time to rethink this notion, as boredom can play a significant role in children’s development and mental health. When children are bored, they are prompted to use their imagination and creativity to entertain themselves. This self-directed play fosters curiosity, helps them discover their interests, and enhances their innovative thinking. Research shows that engaging in monotonous tasks can boost creativity when later performing creative activities.

Overcoming challenges
Boredom teaches children resilience by encouraging them to persevere through challenges rather than becoming discouraged. This ability to persist is crucial for facing future obstacles and cultivating a proactive mindset. Dealing with the ‘problem’ of boredom enhances their problem-solving skills and self-reliance, fostering a sense of initiative and independence.

Social skills
Unstructured playtime allows children to interact with peers, developing essential social skills like negotiation, collaboration and communication. These skills are vital for forming relationships and working well with others. Successfully finding ways to entertain themselves boosts children’s confidence, helping them take risks and explore new things, thereby strengthening their self-esteem.

Positive wellbeing
Allowing children time to simply ‘be’ can significantly improve their mental health by reducing anxiety and stress. It gives them the opportunity to process their thoughts and emotions. Unstructured time helps children engage with their surroundings, often resulting in cherished memories and a happier childhood. Despite initial resistance, periods of boredom can lead to a more fulfilling and creative life.

Four easy ways to introduce more boredom
Parents can create opportunities for boredom by resisting the urge to overschedule their children. Here are four tips to help incorporate boredom into a child’s routine:
1. Set aside one day a week without structured activities
Encourage children to create their own activities on this ‘activity detox’ day, helping them explore their interests and creativity.
2. Provide simple toys
Offer materials like blocks, art supplies and household items to inspire creativity and free play.
3. Reduce screen time and encourage outdoor exploration
Take your child to open spaces and allow them to explore independently, fostering a sense of independence and creativity. Limit the use of electronic devices and encourage imaginative play instead.
4. Be a role model
Show how to embrace boredom by engaging in creative activities yourself and limiting your own screen time.

Experiencing boredom helps children develop crucial life skills such as resilience, problem-solving, and creativity, which are essential for their future success and wellbeing. Boredom also helps children build tolerance for less enjoyable experiences and encourages mindfulness, self-reflection and interpersonal communication skills.

It’s a valuable lesson for all: alongside your to-do list, create a ‘let’s be’ list. Make time to be mindfully present with those around you.

Amidst the rushing around, take a moment to walk and clear your head. These idle moments without a to-do list are important for mental clarity and happiness.

For both you and your child, embracing boredom can enhance resilience, creativity and productivity. Could embracing boredom be the antidote to burnout? By incorporating boredom into daily routines, you can help your child develop a happier, more balanced childhood.

So, the next time your child complains of being bored, resist the urge to immediately organise something for them. Instead, embrace the opportunity to foster their creativity, growth and wellbeing.

Laura Tristram is a teacher, mum and mental health and wellbeing lead. For more information please visit www.lumii.me

Nov 06

Love0

Doulas – what are they and what benefits do they bring?

By Iain Boyle baby health, Childcare and Nannying, Early Years, family

by Jo Slade
Birth and postnatal doula

Imagine being able to look forward to your birth without fear. Or enter motherhood and family life feeling calm and supported. This is exactly what a doula can help you with! In a time where it is so important to seek your own education around pregnancy, childbirth and postnatal care, a doula can be beside you every step of the way.

A birth doula
A birth doula is a non-medical professional, trained to provide support to women and families throughout pregnancy and birth. They will get to know you during your pregnancy, and can provide evidence-based information and antenatal education about what to expect from labour and birth, as well as being on-call to join you when you give birth – whether at home, in hospital or at a birth centre – to provide non-judgemental, practical, and emotional support.

They can be instead of, or in addition to, a birth partner. Someone who is there for you (both), who knows you and what’s important to you, and can give you the confidence to look forward to, plan, and advocate for the birth you want – whether you are aiming for a completely natural experience, a planned caesarean, or something in between!

Studies show that the continuity of care and support that doulas provide can lead to:
• Decreased likelihood of a caesarean or instrumental delivery.
• Increased likelihood of a shorter labour.
• Decrease in use of pain medication.
• Increased likelihood of feeling positive about your experience.
• Decreased likelihood of feeding issues.

A doula can be a great choice for first time mothers and parents – helping to settle nerves and talk about the unknown, but also for subsequent parents, who maybe didn’t have the best experience of birth or the postnatal period the first time around and want to feel more informed and supported going forward.

The average price of a birth doula ranges from £500 to £2000. This depends on your area, the different services offered and the level of experience of the doula.

A postnatal doula
A postnatal doula is professionally trained to provide support to women and families following the birth of their baby. The postnatal period should be a time to slow things down, take time to recover and enjoy your new baby, and although wonderful, it can sometimes feel overwhelming, as it’s all so new!

A doula will visit you at home, support you with adjustment to life with a new baby and give you the confidence to find your own way of mothering and parenting. They can help with:
• Breastfeeding and feeding.
• Holding your newborn so you can rest or have a bath.
• Hearing and chatting about your birth story.
• Light housework.
• Preparing nourishing meals.
• Entertaining older siblings.
• Walking the dog!

The importance of feeling supported and cared for in what is sometimes known as the fourth trimester should never be underestimated – it can have a substantial impact on your health and happiness going forward.

A postnatal doula usually charges by the hour, with a minimum number of hours booked. Hourly rates can range between £15 and £30.

There are birth and postnatal doulas, and many that provide both services. Most doulas offer an initial meeting, either in person or via Zoom, to see whether you are suited to each other, and they will expect you to be meeting with other doulas before you make your decision.

Some reputable online directories you can visit to find a trained doula in your area are:
• The Doula Directory
• Doula UK
• Find My Doula

Investing – time, energy and money – into one of the most important days of your life, and the months following, is a powerful acknowledgement that you are worthy of support.

However, if cost is a prohibitive factor, there may be some funds available. For example, the Doula UK access fund and Doulas Without Borders.

Jo Slade is a birth and postnatal doula. She lives in Brighton and provides doula support to families in many locations across East and West Sussex. For enquiries or to find out more, you can visit her website www.thedoulajoslade.co.uk email: jo@thedoulajoslade.co.uk or call her on 07779 457640

Nov 03

Love0

Toxic families

By Iain Boyle Childcare and Nannying, family, Mental health, Relationships, Special support needs, Wellbeing

by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna
psychotherapists and authors of “You’re Not the Problem”

There is no doubt that how we were parented informs and affects how we parent our children. That’s absolutely fine when we grew up in a happy, healthy, ‘good enough’ home, but what about when we grow up in unhealthy, toxic and abusive homes?

The first thing to know is that a lot of people don’t realise they grew up in toxic families, because not only do they think it’s normal, but they also think that if they didn’t like the way their parent treated them it’s because they’re the problem, not the parent. So understanding if you had healthy or toxic parents is the first step.

Signs you had a toxic parent are:
1. You weren’t allowed to say no to them without being shamed or punished.
2. You had to do everything their way because it was the right way.
3. They relied on you too heavily for emotional or practical support (parentification).
4. They use (and still use) guilt to make you do things you don’t want to.
5. You feel scared of them and obliged to do whatever they want –“I don’t have a choice, I have to.”
6. You are either hyper-dependent (people pleaser/codependent) or hyper-independent (don’t let anyone close, prefer to do everything alone, don’t ask for help).

This is not a diagnostic list, but if these sound familiar it might be worth looking up toxic or narcissistic parents.

If you’re aware you have toxic parents, you need to be aware of the common pitfalls that parents fall into when parenting their own children.

1. Taking their child’s no as personal rejection
When we grow up in narcissistic family systems, we inevitably develop a rejection wound, that coupled with the learned understanding that a child shouldn’t say no to their parent, it’s possible that someone could see their child’s rejection of them as a personal affront rather than the child just seeking autonomy and identity. Working on the rejection wound and realising that your child is safe enough to say no to you is an amazing thing, will help you boundary your feelings and stay in your parent role and allow your child to know they are safe to be who they are.

2. Swinging too far the other way
We call this the pendulum swing. When someone is so desperate to protect their child from ever experiencing a moment of what they felt in childhood they do the complete opposite. Unfortunately this can actually have a similar outcome because if a parent who experienced coldness and shaming and ignoring in childhood becomes too involved and hovering and micro managing their child, they can create a dependency in that child, instead of an independency. They also might unintentionally make the child responsible for their feelings by subconsciously letting the child know that mummy or daddy’s happiness depends on their happiness. This in turn can create anxiety and people pleasing in a child.

3. People pleasing your child
So often someone can be so scared of their child having emotions even a touch similar to their own feelings as a child that they will sit in fear of those emotions and try and prevent them at all costs. Especially when there is neurodivergence present and the resulting meltdowns are so hard to cope with. As a result they can end up people pleasing their child in order to prevent being faced with their anger, sadness or disappointment. This isn’t helpful for the child. Children have to learn how to regulate all feelings especially difficult ones, and what they learn through being people pleased out of them is that their emotions can control their parents behaviour (and therefore other people’s too) and/or those emotions aren’t acceptable and need to be hidden to keep their parent happy.

4. Being the parent they needed when they were a child
This is the number one mistake that parents from toxic families make. They become who they needed, essentially re-parenting themselves through their own child, which is not healthy. Your child doesn’t need the parent you needed, they’re not growing up in your environment, they’re growing up in a completely different environment, and are a completely different person. They need the parent they need. Make sure you’re not projecting onto your child a set of feelings and experiences that you had, and they may not be having at all.

When you grow up in a toxic family, there are lots of conditioned beliefs around what’s ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and it’s important to look at your family rules to understand these and choose what you do or don’t want to pass on consciously.

If you recognise yourself in any of these descriptions, first of all, try not to shame yourself. You didn’t know and it’s not your fault. Instead, it’s time to correct it by learning about it, and learning about yourself so you can be the parent you want to be, and your child needs you to be. Whilst we always suggest therapy is the best way to do this, knowing it’s not always accessible for everyone means that using other resources, such as books, podcasts, social media and any other form of learning will help you grow your knowledge, grieve your childhood, and build a better family life for your child and for you.

The Sunday Times Bestseller “You’re Not the Problem” will help you recognise the language and behaviours of emotional abuse and narcissism in relationships, the immediate and long-term impact of it, practical strategies for healing and how to avoid repeating these behaviours. Buy “You’re Not The Problem” on Amazon and in all major book stores.

Nov 02

Love0

Teaching our children resilience

By Iain Boyle Education, family, Mental health, Wellbeing

by Mrs Sarah Bakhtiari
Principal of Shoreham College

I have been a head teacher for six years, in two schools. A mother for 24 years, married for 30 and an educator for 29. When I was pregnant with my eldest daughter, I decided to do a Masters because I thought I would be bored with a newborn. The reason I reel off this list is that I couldn’t do these things without resilience (and optimism and foolishness – but they are different articles, and so I shall stick to resilience today!).

There is a buzz around resilience. I’ve been on training courses for it; read books and articles about it; been told I need more of it. The trouble is, I’m quite suspicious of the idea of resilience. The more I think about it, the more I’m reminded of a game I used to play on rainy days as a small child.

On said rainy day we would get the board games out of the cupboard and my family would all play. While it’s hard to choose a favourite, if I had to, it would be Buckaroo. The plastic donkey pressed into position before my brother and I took turns to pile all the random miscellany on its back, seeing how much the donkey could take before everything got bucked off. The moment it sprang and threw the plastic novelties all over the floor always made us jump and giggle, before we started the whole process all over again. That poor donkey never seemed to get much peace, being tested to its limit over and over. But that’s how I feel when people talk about how we should all be more resilient, as if we’re all plastic donkeys being piled upon until we snap.

Our children will encounter a myriad of challenges in their lives – everyone I’ve encountered has faced difficult times at some point. While some may have to overcome larger obstacles than others, every single person experiences struggles. Life is undeniably beautiful, yet equally tough.

How do we prepare our children to face the complexities and thrive?
When we talk about resilience, I think that what we mean is being able to face the complexities, the curved balls and the challenges of life and emerge on the other side, and I understand that, but I also think there’s more to it.

Let me illustrate. I love to swim. I’ve got into the super-trendy pastime of outdoor swimming, mostly in the sea. However, earlier this year, I visited a friend who insisted I got into the choppy North Sea. The waves didn’t look that big and I’m used to the cold, so I waded in. The first and second waves were fine and I began to relax – perhaps too much – and only when the third wave was a foot away from my face did I realise I’d misjudged it. I hadn’t widened my stance or braced myself for impact and over I went, and got a mouthful of the North Sea and a face full of shingle. I learned in that moment that resilience is also about bracing for the wave. Realising the thing that’s approaching is going to leave you a little battered, doing all you can to get ready for it and, when it’s over, all you can to recover. Life will break you at points, you can’t help that, but what you can do is be as ready as you can be for its knocks and bruises and work on healing them as quickly as possible. That’s what I hope we mean by resilience, but the trouble is, resilience seems to have become a code word for something else.

We’ve all felt it – that moment when the list starts to mount. We all like to please people, all like to help where we can. Perhaps you’ve agreed to bake for the winter fair and that on its own is fine, but then you also have to finish the last bit of work, remember to pay a bill and call your friend to wish them a happy birthday. You get jostled in the supermarket and suddenly it all becomes too much. The Buckaroo donkey can’t hold it any more and bucks. Perhaps you need to be more resilient, or perhaps it might be time to acknowledge your limits.

Resilience has transformed into a notion that implies we must endure hardships silently and soldier on. The truth is, I am vulnerable. But my vulnerability does not make me weaker (or stronger) than anyone else. True strength isn’t about bravely facing life’s pressures and forcefully overcoming obstacles as if they don’t exist. It’s about acknowledging our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Strength is honed through moments of vulnerability. While resilience portrays a triumphant figure plowing through obstacles, strength often manifests as a tearful heap – overwhelmed, exposed, yet unapologetically authentic. Resilience appears to be an individual pursuit, while strength thrives on collective support, where we can lean on one another and draw strength from those around us.

Allow me to share an analogy. My dog died last year. A much-loved family pet suddenly wasn’t there any more, and I was devastated. A time for resilience, perhaps? But I did something else. I cried and cried and cried. I cried in the departure lounge at the airport, I cried arriving at the hotel, I cried over breakfast in the morning, and at night-time. The other holiday makers were really confused. My husband and daughters didn’t try and stop me, they just acknowledged I was hurting.

I didn’t need to be more resilient; I needed to stay broken for a bit and lean on the strength of others. I found a strength that didn’t come from brushing myself off and getting on with it, but rather from feeling the pain and sitting with it for a while. And I still miss my dog, but now it’s peaceful instead of raw.

Resilience sometimes feels like we are supposed to cover up the scars, but strength allows them to be seen as if they are badges of honour, scars that made us who we are.

So, when I’m in resilience training and people are talking about how to cope with what’s going on, I can’t help but picture that Buckaroo donkey and, well, I’m not having that. Life is tough, but the stuff you do have to carry is less of a burden if you let people who care about you hold it for you, even just for a little while.

If life is the mountain, resilience is about powering up it without taking a break and pretending you aren’t out of breath and you don’t have blisters. Whereas true strength is about acknowledging you can’t take another step and asking if anyone fancies a sit down. The beauty is that when you take that precious moment to pause, you can also take a look at the path you’ve just walked up and who you’ve walked it with and be surprised by the ground you’ve covered. By admitting small defeats and looking down the mountain, you are less likely to lose sight of the bigger picture and what it took to get you there, feeling your feet on the ground and anchoring yourself.

You don’t have to be anyone’s Buckaroo donkey: you’ll only get overloaded, flip and make a mess. There’s nothing wrong in saying it’s all a bit too much.

So, what does this mean for our children and schools? Research tells us that the children who perform the best are those who can ask for help, act on it and have the strength to persevere – and not in buckaroo style, but in a collective endeavour with you, with their school and with their peers. Our children learn from us – let’s show them strength in all its forms. When your children need support, let their school know and let them work with you to put that supportive net around them and when you need support, I hope you have the people around you who will work through it with you, in whatever form you need.

Please call 01273 592681 to find out more about what Shoreham College can offer you, or to arrange a personal visit at any time of the school year. www.shorehamcollege.co.uk

family

The importance of physical activity on children’s mental wellbeing

by Debbie Webb,
Founder of Activ8 For Kids