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Mar 10
Love0

33 is the age when we finally admit that mother did know best!

By family, Health, Mental health, Relationships

A recent nationwide poll revealed that after years of kicking back against our parents, it is not until the age of 33, that we finally admit they were right about everything. And by the age of 36, most of us agree, we have turned into our parents, with 37 the average age men turn into their dads and the nation’s women claim they start behaving like their mothers by the average age of 35.

The survey also revealed nine in 10 say it was not until they were a parent themselves that they gained true respect and appreciation for their own mum and dad. As many as 82% of the parents polled find themselves saying the very things to their children that were said to them as a child.

And the data unveiled a host of ‘mumisms’, we eventually find ourselves saying, with “carrots will make you see in the dark”, “don’t eat that, you’ll spoil your dinner” and “because I said so”, emerging as top phrases we swore we would never say, but end up saying.“Do you think I’m made of money”, “life isn’t fair” and “you have until the count of three” also featured.

The nationwide survey of 2,000 parents revealed, it is not until the age of 28 that we are mature enough to have our first child. In fact, almost three-quarters (73%) of the nation’s mums and dads claim they had no idea what parenting would entail before embarking on family life. And only 14% said they were fully prepared for the demands of becoming a parent.

The study, by Petits Filous, also found 40% claim they are not as strict with their kids as their own parents were with them, while a further 40% said they feed their children a healthier diet. However, more than a third (36 %) of parents believe they have it much easier than their own mum and dad did, with modern technology helping to make modern child-rearing less challenging. And we do still look up to the older generation, as 76% of those polled said their most valuable parenting advice came from their mums and dads.

A spokesperson for Petits Filous who commissioned the survey said, “This new research shows that truly nothing can prepare you for the reality of being a parent. Although there are plenty of challenges along the way, the poll also reveals that there is nothing any of us would change about having children.Whether it is contending with the kids, battling for snacks all day every day or sorting out the same familiar argument over screen time, being a parent isn’t easy.”

Top ‘mumisms’ we swore we would never say
(but end up saying)
1. Money does not grow on trees (64%)
2. Wash your hands (54%)
3. Because I said so, that is why (53%)
4. Shut that door, were you born in a barn? (47%)
5. Have you brushed your teeth? (47%)
6. Do not eat that, you will spoil your dinner (45%)
7. Do not slam the door (45%)
8. Do you think I am made of money? (42%)
9. Go to your room (38%)
10. Who do you think you are talking to? (37%)
11. What part of no do you not understand? (36%)
12. I am not your slave (34%)
13. I do not care what XXX’s parents let them do (34%)
14. You have to the count of three (33%)
15. Did you flush the loo? (33%)
16. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all (30%)
17. Life is not fair (29%)
18. As long as you live under my roof you will do as I say (28%)
19. When you have children, you will understand (28%)
20. Don’t put your coat on inside or you won’t feel the benefit (27%)
21. Eat your greens (27%)
22. Go and play outside it is a lovely day (27%)
23. You are too close to the screen (27%)
24. Don’t pull that face or the wind will change and you will stay like that (26%)
25. I just want what is best for you (24%)
26. Carrots will make you see in the dark (24%)
27. It will end in tears (24%)
28. Remember your Ps and Qs (18%)
29. The apple does not fall far from the tree (16%)
30. If you do not eat your crusts your hair will not go curly (14%)

Mar 08
Love0
domestic abuse

Have you got questions about domestic abuse?

By family, Health, Mental health, Relationships, Safety

What is domestic abuse? Does it only happen to women? Who can help? These are some of the questions West Sussex residents are being asked to consider as part of a new campaign to get people talking about domestic abuse.

“Ask us anything” is the campaign launched by West Sussex County Council – it aims to raise awareness of domestic abuse and sends a clear message that this type of abuse won’t be tolerated in West Sussex.

Residents can submit their questions anonymously by email (askusanything@westsussex.gov.uk) or via social media (using the #AskUsAnything) to the County Council’s Community Safety Team. Every question will then be answered by a panel of experts on Facebook and Twitter.

For many living with domestic abuse, COVID-19 has made life immeasurably harder, with increased risk, and reduced opportunities to seek help. Discussions about domestic abuse are always important. Financial pressures, more time with family and increased alcohol consumption means it can be a challenging time for survivors of domestic abuse.

One domestic abuse victim explains the impact of the pandemic on her situation: “Him being home all the time has meant that there has been no break, every single day, he breaks me that bit more. My mental health is at rock bottom. I don’t know how much more I can take.”

Anyone who believes they are experiencing domestic abuse, or is worried about a friend, neighbour or family member should contact West Sussex County Council’s WORTH service by calling 0330 222 8181.

You will speak to a trained adviser who can find out more about your situation and the best way of offering support.

DomesticAbuseServicesCentral@westsussex.gov.uk.

Mar 07
Love0
NHS Thank You

Pandemic parenting

By children's health, Education, family, Health, Mental health, Uncategorized

Psychotherapist offers positive parenting tips

If you are one of the many families struggling with home schooling and feel that you are failing in meeting your children’s needs, you will not be in the minority. Psychotherapist Noel McDermott has over 25 years experience in this field and is keen to reassure families that any struggle in the here and now is OK. It is normal for both parents and children to be experiencing feelings of anxiety at this time. Here he provides simple tips to help support your child’s mental health.

Noel comments: “Talk to your children about how they’re finding the lockdown and home schooling this time round, reassure them it’s okay to ask for help if they feel low. Explain it’s normal and natural but that they don’t have to suffer alone. Monitor for signs they are struggling by watching out for mood, presentation or behaviour changes that last longer than a day or two. Increase family time and family events to be able to lift each other up and observe your kids at work and play.”

Positive parenting tips for both parent and child:
• Get outside. Nature is brilliant at lifting mood and it doesn’t have to be the great outdoors, your local park or even your garden is just as good. In fact, even noticing something simple outside like the trees in the park will elevate your mood!
• Challenge your thinking. Don’t give into those low mood thoughts, tell them they are temporary and will go away, that all feelings have an end by date and theirs is coming soon. Get involved in activities and events even though you might think they are useless and boring at the time; you will soon change your mind!
• Exercise as a family, stay active and get the blood flowing. Getting active for 20 minutes a day regulates your mood, just add some brisk walking into your day, take the kids for a run at lunchtime or do an online exercise class together.
• Sleep, eat and drink well. Children need good, sound sleep to ensure proper body and mind development. A nutritious diet plays an important role in a child’s physical and mental health. Get the basics right and the rest will follow.
• Treat your kids. Have a list of those things your children especially like and treat them when you think they deserve a lift! You also deserve treats – be kind to yourself.

Alternative social interaction
As well as providing education, schools and nurseries provide another even more important function in a child’s development and that is access to complex social group interaction. Children across the country will be missing their friendship circles and for all kids, but especially younger ones, access to play with other children is central to healthy development. Think outside the box and help support your child’s needs, for example:
• Plan movie nights: teleparty www.netflixparty.com is a fun way to have film nights with friends and family who cannot see each other in person.
• Organise virtual playdates: these will help fulfil your
child’s social needs and find positive opportunities. Perhaps they could have a tea party online, do arts and crafts together or simply read a book with their friend?
• Arrange a gaming session for your children with their friends – gaming, especially online, can provide immeasurable benefits to those who are lonely and isolated. It provides safe social contact and a place where skills can be developed. These skills can provide a much-needed boost to self-esteem.
• Online spaces – organise social and groups activities online with both friends and family that stimulate and develop social interaction. Although not as effective as a real-world connection, helping kids organise online groups and activities with their peers and friends can be very beneficial. The online space challenges the child (and the adult) to engage socially and cognitively.

How to spot anxiety in children
Unfortunately, cases of anxiety and distress in children are on the rise now and this is being caused by an almost constant diet of scary stories on the news/Internet, isolation from peers with schools being closed and from picking up on the stresses of family and parents. For many children they will be experiencing more vivid dreams during this time, interrupted sleep, issues around appetite and so-on which are all classic signs of distress.

Younger children and COVID-19 concerns
Little ones might try to protect you from their distress and say they are fine, but it will show up in other ways such as, in their play, which can become preoccupied with the worries; mummies and daddies getting sick and going to hospital, people getting hungry, people fighting and getting angry with each other. Kids might become avoidant when they are upset, not talking, and withdrawing. Behaviour may deteriorate and arguments and fights start. They may ‘regress’ and start to act in a younger manner, depending on age you may see thumb sucking, incontinence, clinging behaviour.

Older children and COVID-19 concerns
In teenagers, distress can often appear as disconnection (I don’t care, I don’t want to talk about it) and through avoidance behaviours. Avoidance and procrastination are both classic signs of anxiety. In older children we are seeing increases in anxiety as reported by parents, this includes relapses in anti-social behaviour, substance misuse and so on.

Psychotherapist Noel McDermott comments: “Parenting in a pandemic is not an easy feat but now more than ever it is vital that parents help children develop and maintain good mental health and emotional wellbeing. You can do this by helping them feel safe, keeping healthy routines, managing their emotions and behaviour and by being positive at home. By being positive ourselves, we promote positivity to our children. If you are concerned about your child’s mental health don’t be afraid to ask your GP for support.”

Vaccination and the end in sight
It’s important to explain that we are on the final straight now, with the vaccination programme well under way. Soon, your kids will be able to see their grandparents as the shielded ones are being vaccinated first. Tell yourself this is positive news as well! The closure of schools, as well as being temporary, is for the last time. We are all looking forward to a big party soon to move on from all this stress.

Noel McDermott is a Psychotherapist with over 25 years’ experience in health, social care, and education.
Noel’s company offer at-home mental health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised care teams for the individual.
They have recently launched a range of online therapy resources in order to help clients access help without leaving home –
www.noelmcdermott.net/group-therapy/

Mar 06
Love0

Can friendly bacteria help reduce the occurrence of allergies?

By baby health, children's health, Education, family, Food & Eating, Green, Health
by Rebecca Traylen (ANutr)
Probio7

What is an allergy?
Allergy UK define an allergy as “the response of the body’s immune system to normally harmless substances, such as pollens, foods, and house dust mites. Whilst in most people these substances (allergens) pose no problem, in allergic individuals their immune system identifies them as a ‘threat’ and produces an inappropriate response.”

Allergies such as eczema, hay fever and certain foods are becoming increasingly common in children and are on the rise. They can have a major effect on children and their families lives and therefore, anything we can do to understand how they develop and where possible minimise their occurrence should be encouraged.

What is the link between your gut and allergies?
There are trillions of microbes including bacteria, fungi, archaea, viruses and protozoans which are present in and on our body. 95% of these microbes are found in our gastrointestinal tract, weighing a staggering 2kg! Our gut microbiome has several important roles including digesting food, ensuring proper digestive function and helping with the production of some vitamins (B and K).

Our gut microbiome can strengthen the integrity of our gut wall and helps reduce inflammation. It also helps teach our immune system to respond appropriately to substances and fight off harmful pathogens. This allows our immune system to react appropriately to substances and ensures it doesn’t overreact to substances, as typically seen in allergies.

70% of our immune system lies along our digestive tract which further highlights the significant role our gut microbiome can play in our immune system.

Rates of allergies have been increasing as we have moved towards more urban environments. This has meant the variety of foods we are eating have decreased, our use of antibiotics has increased, and we are spending less time outdoors. Subsequently, this has been thought to reduce the diversity of our gut microbiome.

Research has shown that having a healthy and diverse gut microbiome is associated with fewer allergic symptoms. Therefore, our move to urban environments is thought to play a role in the increased number of allergies, through changes in our gut microbiome.

Reducing the risk of allergies
Friendly bacteria are live beneficial bacteria that can be consumed in food or supplement form. Taking friendly bacteria has been suggested to reduce the occurrence of allergies by supporting the gut microbiome.

One way to reduce the risk of allergies in your infant starts in pregnancy. Research has shown that taking a friendly bacteria supplement during pregnancy may reduce the chances of their infant developing eczema by 22%.

In addition, taking fish oil supplements during pregnancy may also reduce the chance of children becoming sensitised to egg (a sign of a potential allergy) by 31% and also may reduce the chances of peanut allergy.

Therefore, supplementing with both friendly bacteria supplements and omega-3 during pregnancy could be of particular benefit for allergy prevention in the infant.

Friendly bacteria supplements during infancy have also been demonstrated in some cases to prevent atopic sensitisation (this is a positive test for eczema, hay fever and allergic asthma).

Should you try a friendly bacteria supplement?
Whilst the research is still relatively new around friendly bacteria supplements and allergies, so far, they are shown to be safe and well tolerable. If you have a family history of allergies, taking a friendly bacteria supplement might be worth considering, either during pregnancy or for your infant.

Most importantly you should be looking after your gut by eating plenty of fibre, having a diverse diet, getting outside and exercising for at least 20 minutes every day, staying hydrated and reducing stress whenever possible.

Make sure you check with your GP or health practitioner before introducing any supplements when pregnant, breastfeeding or on medication.

Probio7 have been supporting digestive and immune health in the UK since 1995 and we are dedicated to developing a unique range of the highest quality friendly bacteria supplements. Please visit www.probio7.com for more information.

Mar 05
Love0

Nurture through nature Every day is a school day!

By children's health, Education, environment, family, Family Farms, fun for children, Green

This spring, Nicola Henderson, CEO of Godstone Farm in Surrey, explores the learning opportunities that are on the doorstep for many of us, and the adaptations we can make in everyday life if we don’t want to be stuck to a timetable or even use an exercise book.

As we’ve seen over the past year, learning is not just about being in the classroom; and who would have known that our children’s education could take so many forms and be delivered in so many ways. Cue the cries of parents saying they never thought they would actually have to BE the teacher! Perhaps unconventional ways of learning are here to stay, but above all we have realised that being outdoors is good for us on so many levels.

Homework doesn’t have to be at your home!
How about learning about another little creature’s home? There are so many habitats in the great outdoors and not all of them are deep in the countryside. From birds in their nests, to hiding hedgehogs and mice in hedgerows it’s great to get children to spot where animals might be living. Now that hopefully, the weather starts to improve, there’s opportunity to sit out at dawn and dusk to watch where birds fly to or see if you can spot a tiny nose poking out among leaves. A simple game of matching animals to their habitats can be done wherever you live, as even in more urban areas it’s not impossible to find a brave fox. What could he be looking for? And where do you think he might go to sleep?

Changing of the seasons
It’s not just signs of animal life to look out for. Spring brings about the most wonderful chance to see colour and shape appear by way of plants and flowers. Can children notice not only what is newly appearing as we start to see more sunny days, but also which plants or trees remained the same through winter? It is likely they know what a Christmas tree looks like, but which other trees can they spot that kept their leaves? As well as noting names, playing games such as finding shapes they know in nature around them can be heaps of fun.

Keep active and keep healthy
Even the youngest of children know that exercise and eating well is the key to being healthy, but it’s clear from all the farm visitors each year that kids ‘just wanna have fun’! Playing is a fantastic form of exercise and if it’s outside then all the better. Play equipment is a brilliant way to teach children boundaries, risk taking, and sharing with their friends or being patient to wait in line for their turn. Open outdoor spaces can also lend themselves well to imaginative play. With or without apparatus, children will find a story to become part of. Reading is such a huge part of a child’s first school experience, but as they develop their skills its fun to get them re-telling a story and answering questions about what happened, or predicting what might happen next. When you are out for a walk, at a playground or visiting somewhere with gardens what stories can you make up about what you can see? Can you
re-tell it when you get home?

Farm fun
We just can’t forget the wonderful signs of new life that can be found at farms at this time of year. Chicks hatching, lambs being born and baby rabbits ready to hop into the sunshine. A farm attraction is a great place to see these exciting babies but also learn about the differences between species, what they eat and how they are kept. Many attractions also offer a behind the scenes experience where children can get up close and hands on with their favourite pets or livestock. Actually taking part is a great way to commit a skill to memory and who doesn’t want to learn to muck out the stinky pigs? Other, less smelly jobs are available!

There’s so much to be fortunate for as we enter the favourite season for so many. Springtime on the farm or anywhere amongst nature is a wonderful time, and sharing experiences with your children is precious. Its hoped that the majority of learning can stay in school with our wonderful and very valued teachers, but it’s nice to be able to extend this beyond the classroom, keep it fun and increase our wellbeing at the same time.

Nicola has run Godstone Farm for three years now, and whilst there are plans to develop the experiences and facilities on offer, she is keen to ensure the farm keeps its heritage and wholesome feel. The Farm continues to follow government guidance so its always best to check the website before visiting for the most up-to-date information.
www.godstonefarm.co.uk

Mar 04
Love0

Legal Solutions

By family, Legal

All Your Legal Worries Answered

In each issue of ABC, one of Brighton’s leading firms of Solicitors, Dean Wilson LLP, covers a topic of interest to parents everywhere. In this issue, Jennie Apsey, Solicitor in the Family Department, discusses the impact of Covid-19 on Child Arrangements.

As Family lawyers, of all the issues we have been asked to advise on over the last year, the issue of child contact arrangements throughout the Coronavirus pandemic has come up time and time again.

What are the Government guidelines concerning child contact arrangements during the pandemic and can parents alter contact arrangements even if they are the subject of a Child Arrangements Order?
Government advice throughout the pandemic and lockdowns has been that children may move freely between parents’ households, including between households situated in different Tiers. However, the President of the Family Division of the High Court noted that the guidance did not mean that children must move between homes, the decision being one for parents to take after assessing their individual circumstances, for example, the child’s health, the risk of infection and the presence of any recognised vulnerable individuals in either household. Furthermore, the Department of Health and Social Care advised that if a child was instructed to self-isolate by NHS Test and Trace, where possible the child was to remain at the same address throughout the period of isolation.

The President of the Family Division gave further guidance that where Coronavirus restrictions caused the letter of a Child Arrangements Order to be varied by a parent, the spirit of the Order should still be delivered by making alternative arrangements for contact including facilitating video calls through FaceTime, Skype or Zoom.

What child contact issues have you encountered as a result of the pandemic?
Perhaps inevitably, the Government guidance gave rise to some uncertainty with parents questioning what they were permitted to do, and whether they could insist on usual contact arrangements being adhered to. A minority of parents attempted to exploit the situation to exclude the other parent from their usual contact.

What can I do if the other parent breaches the terms of our Child Arrangements Order?
Child Arrangement Orders made since 2008 contain a Warning Notice which explains the consequences of breaching an Order. The penalties that the Court can impose include fines or imprisonment for contempt of court, orders to undertake unpaid work in the community or orders for financial compensation. However, for those parents wanting to bring such breaches to the Court’s attention, an application for enforcement must be made, for which a Court fee of £215 is payable. Parents should also bear in mind, that under section 11J of the Children Act 1989, the Court can decide not to make an enforcement order “if it is satisfied that the person had a reasonable excuse for failing to comply with the provision.” Unfortunately, “reasonable excuse” is not defined within the legislation and is therefore open to interpretation and the Court’s discretion.

Other than making an application to the Court for enforcement, what can I do to ensure that I continue to see my children?
We cannot emphasise enough that now more than ever there is a need to work with the other parent and to look at alternative means of resolving issues that arise between you in relation to care of the children. In our experience, the Court system is currently so clogged up, you are very unlikely to obtain a swift resolution to your contact problem by making an application to the Court. The effects on the Court system of the Coronavirus pandemic are ongoing. Therefore, we would strongly advise only making an application to the Court as a last resort once all other avenues of communication and alternative dispute resolution have been explored.

In the first instance, we would suggest mediation as a means of attempting to resolve matters with the other parent. Mediation is likely to be cheaper, less stressful, and far quicker than the Court process. Furthermore, since you will need to continue to co-parent your children for the duration of their minority, minimising conflict and animosity between you is likely to be hugely beneficial, not only to yourselves as individual parents, but also to your children.

Mar 01
Love0

The A-Z of fostering

By family, Fostering and adoption, Mental health

The sons and daughters of foster carers play a vital role in fostering; they contribute hugely towards the success of fostering placements and make a valuable difference to fostered siblings as they settle into their new home.

Isobella, who is 14 years old has been fostering with her younger twin sisters, mum Liz and mum’s partner Caroline for three years. During this time, the family have welcomed two children into their home, the first for nine months and the second for 18 months – both little girls under four years of age.

Isobella remembers how she felt when her first foster sister arrived at their home. “I was very excited to have someone come and live with us because we love little ones and helping other people. When she arrived, it was overwhelming for her and for us but it was a great experience and she settled in well.”

Isobella says the best thing about fostering is “the relationship you build and how strong that is. We have lots of memories that we still talk about, like going on holiday to the Lake District with the first child who was in our care. She hadn’t been on holiday before and she saw snow for the first time! We were sledging down a hill, taking it in turns with her on our laps. It was a whole new experience for her which was lovely to see.”

Isobella and her family like to stay active. They try to get out of the house as much as possible, meeting friends and going for walks. The children in their care have loved being part of the things they love as a family; watching Isobella play netball, cheering at football matches, learning to swim, completing art projects and going to shows are just a few examples.

The support in place for sons and daughters of foster carers includes regular day trips and activities. A team of Brighton & Hove City Council Fostering Support Officers run activities throughout all of the school holidays, for birth children and foster children alike. The trips are a real treat for the children, who get an opportunity to form friendships with children in similar circumstances, and a well-deserved break for foster carers.

Isobella says “We’ve been on lots of activity days and they’ve all been great experiences and good fun. My favourite was a trip to Hove Lagoon to do water sports. We did wakeboarding which was new for me but really good fun.We’ve met lots of other families and they’re familiar faces now when we see them again. Everyone is really friendly and it’s nice sometimes to share the things we’ve been through. There’s one family in particular who we’ve become good friends with, they’re long-term foster carers. We love all of them and we go for walks with them quite often.” She continues “I know there is lots of support available from the fostering team too. I haven’t needed to ask for support yet, but I know it’s there if I need it.”

To convey the experiences, feelings and realities of being a birth child in a foster family, Isobella has put together an A-Z to help other birth children to understand what to expect.

A. I was 10 years old and in my last year of primary school when our first foster sister arrived to live with us. I will never forget her ARRIVAL.
B. It is really important to develop a BOND with the foster child. In my experience this takes time.
C. When you are fostering it is important to learn how to have a CONVERSATION.
D. As a foster family we go on lots of DAYS OUT at the weekends and in the holidays.
E. Fostering needs EMPATHY.
F. Our FAMILY sticks together.
G. It’s hard to say GOODBYE.
H. HUGS are important.
I. Being a foster family is part of my IDENTITY.
J. Sometimes when we are fostering, I feel JEALOUS because my mum can’t spend time with me.
K. Always be KIND.
L. Sometimes it must feel LONELY.
M. We love making MEMORIES as a foster family.
N. Sometimes our house is very NOISY when we are fostering.
O. Fostering means OPENING up your heart and home.
P. Good fostering requires PATIENCE.
Q. It’s important to learn what to do if there is a QUARREL.
R. Sometimes I feel REJECTED but I try not to take it personally.
S. It’s important to be able to say SORRY.
T. When the children we look after have TANTRUMS we tell them it’s OK not to be OK and we still love them.
U. We look after the foster children when they are UNWELL.
V. We look after VULNERABLE children.
W. We enjoy making foster children feel WELCOME.
X. XMAS is a special time to make memories as a foster family
Y. We create all sorts of memories, including YUCKY ones.
Z. The fostering journey is a ZIGZAG but overall we enjoy being a foster family. We are good at it and it suits us.

When asked what her advice to families considering fostering would be, Isobella said “There will be highs and lows. It will be difficult but there will be easier bits too, so it’s up and down like a rollercoaster. When children first arrive its usually difficult but once you push past that it gets better from then onwards.”

If you feel you could make a difference by becoming a fostering family, Brighton & Hove City Council would love to hear from you. To learn more about becoming a Foster Carer e-mail fosteringrecruitment@brightonhove.gov.uk to arrange a call or visit www.fosteringinbrightonandhove.org.uk. The team are holding regular virtual information sessions.

Mar 01
Love0
www.flexibilitymatters.co.uk

Meet the women leading ‘the flex movement’!

By family, Finance, Work employment
by Emma Cleary
Flexibility Matters

This year’s International Women’s Day, #ChooseToChallenge, is for me the perfect reminder of all the fabulous women I’ve encountered on my journey who have inspired me to continue championing flexible working and its benefits.

As the founder of Flexibility Matters, I started my flexible work journey out of the necessity to find a job in Sussex that accommodated three nursery aged children! Flex is fundamental to work and life and I’ve made it my mission to find flexible roles for talented and experienced parents to allow them to continue to progress their careers.

At a pivotal webinar on ‘How Covid-19 made working flexibly business critical’, some of the wonderfully flexible ladies I’ve met along the way and some of whom I work with now, were able to reveal their most important insights on busting the nine to five working myth.

Jane Galloway, Head of Flexible Working at NHS England, and NHS Improvement said: “In general, increasing access to flexible working options increases staff engagement, and we know that in the NHS, good staff engagement leads to better patient care.”.

Dagmar Albers, UK Diversity & Inclusion Lead, who has been avidly working within Pfizer to roll out team pact workshops on informal flexible working agreements, revealed: “Once teams agree a pact, they are then able to work at a time and place best for them in terms of productivity, energy and of course positive outcomes, whilst effectively managing commitments outside of work. It is about the outcome produced and not the number of hours worked and about trusting each other to deliver in a way that works for them”.

Jessica Hornsby, Organisational Capability Lead has been working within Thales on fundamentally shifting the mindset around flexible working, that they now term SMART working, for over four years. She saw many assumptions smashed by COVID-19. The most impactful being how few roles ‘have’ to be office based.

Another remarkable lady, Ursula Tavender, Learning and Development Specialist and Co-Director of Flexpo, has been leading the charge on flex and equality in the workplace for over 5 years now. Ursula says: “Flexible working is the most powerful tool we have in the working world to make sure that everyone, whatever their circumstances, has equal access to meaningful work and equal opportunity to progress. It has always been the key to closing pay gaps, and now it has also become the key to our ability to build back better as we navigate the phases of the pandemic. We’ve learned so much during this past year about what’s possible; now is the time to leverage the opportunity in front of us to change the world of work forever.”

For the past six years Flexibility Matters have been matching businesses with results-oriented professionals that need a flexible approach to their work hours. Whilst influencing business mindsets and challenging traditional cultures has not been simple, with a little push from a pandemic that chose to challenge us all, it now feels like a more flexible approach to work is here to stay.

We’ve been reporting for years that flexible workers are more focused, productive and happy and we know the key ingredients to being a successful one. Whether you’ve been made redundant or you’re simply looking for a brand new flexible challenge, get in touch on 07810 541599 or register at www.flexibilitymatters.co.uk

Mar 01
Love0

Looking forward not back is the way to help solve family problems

By family, Legal, Relationships
by Marcus Stanton
Kingston & Richmond Family Mediation Practice

There is a popular TV programme that ends each week with a catchphrase I’m going to borrow, adapt, and use here: ‘Keep talking’. Parents who separate can achieve so much by talking and listening to each other. You might say, ‘well if they had been talking and listening to each other in the first place they wouldn’t now be separating,’ but parents separate for a number of reasons and just because they are no longer together doesn’t mean they should no longer work together to sort out their family finances and any future plans for their children.

The difficulty is that when a relationship ends it’s very easy to adopt a position in negotiations based on how the relationship has ended, how you feel you have been treated and your immediate concerns and worries. This can hamper your ability to have useful discussions with your former partner and can be made even worse by solicitors’ letters in place of face-to-face discussions. Getting entrenched in a position can of course slow down any progress towards a resolution.

It is much more helpful to move away from taking positions based around the past and instead to start discussing what each of your priorities, interests and concerns are now. Don’t be afraid of frank discussions revealing what have been, up to now, unspoken emotions. Getting out all those unsaid things usefully clears the air. Priorities, options and concerns give a starting point for you and the other parent to work on the possible options that exist to resolve matters mutually.

The advantage in getting to a position where you can explore options together is that you both remain in control of your future rather than giving the decision making to the court. This can be fundamental. Moving you from having to live with a decision, to working out the outcome for yourselves. An outcome reached together has more chance of lasting, and is usually better financially and emotionally for all members of the family.

Talking through options and problem solving are important for parents. That can be tough particularly when you have recently separated, but with the help of a family mediator to facilitate discussions it is a lot easier to achieve. A mediator can help you to identify those areas where you agree, where you might reach a mutually acceptable decision, and where there is no room to budge (just being clear about what’s not possible is a help in itself in moving forward!). This often means recognising what your former partner needs and feels. By looking behind any potential barriers you can often find common interests. As an example, A wants to be sure B doesn’t just leave the children with his sister when he has them, B meanwhile wants A to be less controlling when he has the children. In essence there is no disagreement over B spending time with the children and each knows the children will benefit in spending time with both parents, there is just a difference as to how that time is spent. There is clearly a starting point for discussions and the opportunity to reconcile differences.

You can work together to narrow down the options to reach an outcome that will work in reality and that both of you are comfortable living with. As well as facilitating these discussions a family mediator will reality check the outcome with each of you to see that it can work in practice. That is helpful, as you will want to have the solution you reach taken to your solicitors to be made into a Consent Order
so that it’s enforceable.

All of this means of course talking and listening to the other parent. Where there are young children, with the exception of particular cases, you are likely to have to communicate with them for some time to come. So, starting discussions in the room or face-to-face on Zoom is so much better than communicating through WhatsApp, text, email or solicitor’s letter. It’s very easy for words in a text or email to be misunderstood or meanings read into them.

Putting your priorities and concerns on the table for both of you to see and discussing them might help begin the process of moving forward.

Marcus Stanton is a Family Mediator at Kingston & Richmond Family Mediation Practice providing online mediation for separating couples in Surrey. www.kingstonandrichmondfamilymediation.co.uk
For further information email info@krfamilymediation.co.uk or call 020 8617 0210

Feb 22
Love0

How to avoid arguments – Go from chaos to calm, from conflict to cooperation

By Education, family, Relationships
by Karen Shaw
author of Parenting Magic

It starts with us! How we approach a situation, what we do, say and how we are ‘being’ has a massive impact on the outcome.

Most of us want to avoid conflict. It’s uncomfortable and not what we want. It’s the incompatibility of ideas, desires and values that causes the conflict. Often parents and children have conflicting interests because they have a different set of values and priorities. We can experience conflict in parenting often when our children are toddlers when we can have a battle of wills, when they are ‘flexing their muscles’ and when we have teenagers and of course, at any age in between! We can help control outcomes and see much more cooperation by pre-setting the energy of a situation, with our intentions and the choice of language we use.

That’s a good start…
How does your day start? Is it frantic, rushing around, a bit chaotic? This leads to struggles and arguments, so start it off in a calm and controlled way and set the intention of how it will be. It may mean getting up a bit earlier to take a few minutes for you. To take a few deep breaths, meditate to calm yourself. If possible be organised the night before, plan your morning, have a diffuser with essential oils or some lovely smells for the children to wake up to. It sets the scene, the energy is calmer.

How to avoid arguments
We often argue with our children because we’re not getting our own way. Because they’re not doing as they’re ‘told’ (though I prefer asking to telling!) or they want to do something we don’t want them to. I think it’s often beneficial to think, “How would I deal with this situation if it was someone other than my child, would I say the same things, use the same language?” Probably not, we tend to think because they are ‘our children’ we have a right to speak to them, as we like, say things to them we wouldn’t dream of saying to another individual. I know we want to keep them safe and respect us, or our ‘rules’ if you like. Though, as rules are there to be tested, pushed, bent if not broken, it is better to have ‘agreements’ already in place. Make agreements as to what is and isn’t acceptable, what will and won’t be tolerated and have the consequences when expected behaviour isn’t reached. When they are part of the agreement making, they are heard, valued and they know they have agreed. So if they complain or shout back, when they haven’t stuck to them “It’s not fair”, “You’re so mean”, you can remind them they agreed and are going back on their word.

Drop the interrogation!
We often start our conversation with the ‘w’ words and that’s not helpful. The ‘w’ words I mean are Why, When, Who, What and Where.

These are ‘interrogatives’. We’re interrogating our children when we start a question with any of these. For instance:-“Why on earth…?  “When are you ever going to learn…?” “Who do you think you are…?” “What did you think you were doing…?” “Where do you think you’re going…?”

The reason it isn’t helpful to start a conversation this way, is because they feel threatened and automatically go into defence mode. It’s the unconscious mind responding, a natural response. Of course, we’ll use these words, it’s just not helpful to start with them, especially with the negative energy that accompanies it. It will encourage a knee jerk response, a story or a flippant reply. Give them time to respond better by keeping calm, breathe, collect your thoughts and use something like: “I’m wondering (then the what or who)…” “I’m curious (then the why or what)…“ Or “I’d like to know/hear/understand…”

These are ‘declaratives’. You respond rather than react and give them time to formulate a response to your question or statement instead of a defensive or even sarcastic reply. You are starting with you and are ‘declaring’ how you are feeling.

When we remember who we and our children are, human beings sharing a life and here to enjoy it, that we are in control of ourselves, no one else and that what comes out of our mouths is our choice, then it’s easier to remember there really is no need to argue. Let’s face it, it takes two. What good is there in arguing with your child? Debating something, where you are both putting forward your viewpoint is a different thing. For every action there is an equal and opposite one, when you react to whatever has been done or said, then there will be an equal opposite one coming back at you! Avoid it. Let’s learn to respond not react.

Karen Shaw is a transformational life and parenting coach, emotional re-balancing and energy alignment therapist and creator of Parenting Magic. She was a stressed-out single mum
on anti-depressants. With three teenage sons, all affected by challenged, illness, medical conditions, psychological issues and labelled with ‘disabilities’. Struggling in every area of her life. In Parenting Magic, she shares the hard earned secrets that transformed her family life for good.

Parenting Magic by Karen Shaw is published by Practical Inspiration Publishing, £16.99.

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