Relationships Archives - Page 7 of 14

Nov 03

Have you heard about the latest trend in childcare?

By Iain Boyle Childcare and Nannying, children's health, Education, family, Relationships, Work employment

by Adele Aitchison
GrandNanny Founder
www.grandnanny.co.uk

New childcare services in the UK are offering families the chance of reliable, flexible, part-time childcare from experienced over-50s. From mental wellbeing, to being a substitute grandparent for families, the benefits of intergenerational childcare are becoming clear to parents, children AND older workers.

Parents can all identify with the strain of stretching their time to cover work, home admin, the school or nursery run, and after-school activities. Twenty four hours in a day don’t seem enough! ‘The juggle is real’ and whether your child is in nursery or school, finding the right childcare solution can be fraught with worry and frustration, especially at a time when some nurseries and after-school clubs have shut down locally.

It’s clear that families need reliability and experience. Now that many people’s work patterns have changed from the classic ‘9 to 5’ – whether because of flexible working, working from home, or night shifts – flexibility is also really important, but often difficult to find.

As a new solution, the UK has recently started adopting a trend that’s already popular in the US and Japan – matching older people with young families, to give them the reliable, part-time childcare they desperately need. Research has shown intergenerational programmes can improve mental and physical wellbeing for older people, whilst helping the kids they care for have better age-empathy, development and social skills.

As founder of GrandNanny, I was inspired by my memories of being looked-after, as a child, by my grandparents. My grandparents were very involved in my childcare growing up, but when I moved to London, I realised loneliness among older adults is a huge issue. This is especially true for those who aren’t in touch with family or who aren’t working. I felt strongly that families were missing the huge experience and care older adults can bring. I could see very clearly the benefits of connecting older people to those in their communities and have seen hugely positive feedback from all age-groups.

For older workers, nannying can promote mental and physical wellbeing, with a job that keeps body and brain active and provides a valued role in the family and wider community. If they were previously not considered for a job because of their age, their experience is viewed with a fresh perspective – as a valuable skill – and they are ‘seen’ again by the society. Parents get reliable help from someone who really gets to know their family and child and has a range of skills and specialist knowledge from their previous careers. Kids get all the great stuff you’d expect, from someone to help with reading or homework or to bake, play music and go to the park with.

Anna, a 57 year old former receptionist who lost her job last year, started nannying two months after being made redundant, taking care of siblings aged seven and three. She became a grandparent figure for them – getting them ready in the morning and taking them to school, cooking dinner, and reading a bedtime story. Having three grown-up girls and a grandson and always looking after kids for friends, she had plenty of personal experience of childcare. Anna says working as a nanny helps her to keep a young and optimistic outlook and spend time in the fresh air, but also gives her the flexibility to look after her own grandson while still earning an income.

The family Anna works for say she has been a great help to them, really helping lighten the load. She has also become a ‘substitute grandparent’ to the children in her care, something that’s all the more precious because they don’t have their biological grandparents close-by.

So far, as this new approach to childcare takes off in the UK, a huge range of over-50s, from musicians to events organisers, former teachers to nurses say they have found a new and rewarding career as a nanny. They can bring unexpected skills in creativity or learning that the family might not get in a different childcare setting, as well as specialist knowledge for children with specific additional needs.

The families who’ve seen the huge benefits of an over-50s childcarer for their families, really appreciate the flexibility and peace of mind such a service offers.

For anyone who may not have had a nanny before, this important new trend seems to be a win-win-win situation for everyone involved.

Nov 02

Love0

How can education prepare children to lead a good life?

By Iain Boyle Education, Mental health, Relationships, special educational needs

by Dr Ian Cunningham
SML College

I would guess that no one ever said on their deathbed: “I wish I had got better grades at GCSE”. In fact, research on deathbed regrets suggests that people in different parts of the world show similar responses. A top regret, for instance, is around relationships – and people feeling that they may have neglected friends and loved ones or may have allowed work to dominate their lives. Others regret the kind of career they have had and feel that they have not fulfilled themselves through their work life.

There is a link here to Freud’s comment that “love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.” Note that he didn’t say that these are the only things that matter. But if we put his saying alongside the evidence of people’s regrets, it’s quite clear that love and work are crucial to a good life.

If we take work first, then research shows that many people feel unsatisfied with the work that they do. The research shows that they needed better advice when they were younger to make career choices. In mentioning GCSEs at the start, one of the things that’s apparent is that people often choose GCSEs based on such factors as liking the teacher or the views of others.

What is necessary is for the child to be helped to explore what a good life would mean for them and what that would mean therefore in terms of things that they need to learn to help them to get there. At Self Managed Learning (SML) College we start our time with children who join us by asking them about their lives and about things they like and don’t like and about what a good life might mean for them – and therefore what they need to do to prepare themselves for that future. Now we recognise that, especially for younger children, they may not have very clear ideas. That doesn’t matter. It’s more about providing a space so that there is continual exploration of what an individual wants for themselves and for their life in the future. However, by the time students get to 13 or 14, clearly there are choices around what to do at GCSE. Those choices need to be made on the basis of how that helps the person to prepare for the future that they want.

The other side of Freud’s view is about importance of love. What he meant was not erotic love, but rather the ability to have loving relationships with those around us. It might be a more brotherly/sisterly kind of love or it might be a generalised love for humanity. Whatever focus we put on it, the link to deathbed regrets about relationships becomes relevant.

Schooling has become such an individualistic enterprise that, for instance, if you help a friend with a test, it’s called cheating and you get punished for it. In life, cheating is essential – that is, helping people. It is the cornerstone of good relationships. In our College we don’t have such testing. It’s quite common for young people to help and support each other in their learning and to take this beyond when they leave us at 16. For instance, research on former students has shown that one of the key things they comment on learning at the College is what they often call their social skills. They see themselves as being able to relate to others effectively and it actually goes beyond just skills. It’s clear that they value having been in a community that is caring and supportive and that they have learned to engage with others in a truly human way. We know that this is one of the major criticisms of employers about people coming out of the education system – that they’re not good at working in teams and relating effectively to others within the workplace.

When I say that it’s more than skill, it is because what young people learn in the community is about caring about others and demonstrating that care. By being in a small community that allows young people to really know those around them they can be highly supportive and caring to others.

In a court case about what constitutes suitable education, the judge defined it in the following terms: “To prepare children for life in a modern civilised society and to enable them to achieve their full potential”. I would go further than this. Although achieving full potential is clearly what we are aiming for, it has to be not just preparing people to fit in within society, but to be able to be themselves and to live a good life. One that is more than just fitting in. As each person is different, so they need to pursue the kind of learning that will give them a good life. This means not having a standardised curriculum and instead encouraging each young person to see who they can become and how they can achieve that.

Dr Ian Cunningham, Chair of Governors, Self Managed Learning College, Fishersgate, BN41 1QH. ian@smlcollege.org.uk

Nov 01

Love0

Separation and divorce: What should we tell the children?

By Iain Boyle Finance, Legal, Mental health, Relationships

In this issue of the magazine, Jennie Apsey, Solicitor in the Family Department at Dean Wilson LLP, looks at the best way for parents to tell their children that they are separating and how to come to agreement in respect of Child Arrangements.

We have decided to separate but have not yet told the children. How do you advise we should do this?
Every situation and child is different so there is no one answer to this question. Of course, much will depend on the age and emotional maturity of the children concerned. Pre-school children need simple, concrete explanations and are unlikely to be able to articulate their feelings. You as their parents are their whole world and they will not have the ability to think about the future. They will need reassurance about where they will live, who will look after them and how often they will see the other parent. Six to 11 years olds will be more able to understand and think and talk about their feelings, however they do still tend to see things in black and white and will have a limited understanding of complex adult issues like separation and divorce. Secondary school age children will have a far greater capacity to understand these issues and are likely to ask more questions and challenge parental authority and decision making.

From my experience as a Family Solicitor I have assessed that damage to children of all ages may be limited by following some or all of the following:
1. Inform your children jointly of the decision to separate.
2. Talk to them in an environment in which they
feel comfortable, for example at home.
3. Be honest but avoid blaming each other. Avoid giving children too much information or information they do not need.
4. Emphasise that it is not the children’s fault and that both parents love them equally. They need to understand that the decision to separate is an adult decision which they didn’t cause and can’t influence.
5. Do not make children feel they have to choose between you. Tell them that their life will be different but do not give them choices – it is your job as their parents to make the decisions. Children will want to know how life will change from their point of view, not yours, so letting them know what will change and what will still be the same is important.
6. Make sure they realise that they are free to love both parents as before. Try to separate your feelings from the children’s feelings – do not confuse your child by belittling or criticising the other parent.
7. Expect your child to play one parent off against the other or even to take sides. This is very common. Do not hold what they say against them – allow them to express their feelings.
8. For contact arrangements, make them clear to the children and make them regular – children usually like routines as they feel more secure knowing where they will be, when and with whom.

We are having difficulty agreeing what is in the best interests of the children in terms of living and contact arrangements. How can we overcome this?
You may need the help of a third party to come to an agreement about Child Arrangements and a family consultant or mediator can assist with this and help you formulate a Parenting Plan to refer to moving forwards.

What is the difference between a family consultant and a mediator?
A family consultant provides therapeutic and emotional support and helps separating parents navigate a way forward in the best interests of their children. A family consultant does not focus on legal or financial matters, focussing instead on the emotional wellbeing of all the family members. It can sometimes be helpful to speak with a family consultant to prepare you for the process of mediation, or even for them to work alongside the mediator. Family consultants aim to provide an impartial ‘third-eye’ perspective to assist parents in prioritising their children’s needs and wellbeing.

A mediator is trained to listen to both parents, to assist them in their discussions and to work towards a solution that is in the best interests of the children. The mediator will ensure that both parents have the opportunity to speak and put their views forward within a neutral, safe environment. Mediators do not take sides and do not advise. Mediators are not therapists, and their role does not extend to providing therapeutic or emotional support.

Do I need a Solicitor?
A Solicitor will be able to advise you in relation to your rights and obligations which you may find helpful prior to embarking on mediation with your partner. However, Solicitor and Court intervention should be considered as a last resort. Some cases require Solicitors to negotiate on the parents’ behalf and/or the benefit of a Court Order to regulate Child Arrangements. However, in the first instance it is far better to try hard to sort difficulties direct with your ex-partner. The children will benefit most if you are able to maintain communication and establish a good co-parenting arrangement going forwards.

Dean Wilson LLP’s reputation has been built upon our ability to deliver and exceed our clients’ expectations. For over 100 years our success has been founded upon our client focused approach, backed by the knowledge and expertise of our lawyers. www.deanwilson.co.uk

As an ABC reader you can call the Family Department on 01273 249200 to arrange a no obligation telephone discussion and, if required, a fixed-fee meeting.

Jul 10

Love0

Why parenting with anxiety makes you a ‘super-parent’

By Iain Boyle children's health, family, Mental health, Relationships, Uncategorized

by Abby Dunn
Psychologist at the University of Sussex

The last couple of years have been tough for everyone. The Covid pandemic has left many adults and children feeling uncertain, stressed and anxious at times. Several pieces of research have highlighted the heavy burden this period has put on parents of young children. If you are a parent or carer you may have found things overwhelming at times. You are not alone in those feelings. Almost every mum and dad across the country will have done so at some point.

At the Parenting with Anxiety Team we specialise in supporting families. We hope that the following will provide some useful information and reassurance. But also remember that you are the expert on your family.

Parents with anxiety are ‘super-parents’
From our work with parents we know that almost all of them go to massive efforts to do what is best for their children and that they are doing this while managing their own anxiety. Think of Ginger Rogers doing everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards in high heels. It is not easy!

We know that all parents can think they are not doing a good enough job, so it was great to hear a mother we work with describe anxious parents as ‘super-parents’. And they are! Super at managing their anxiety at the same time as juggling the demands of parenthood. If you are in this situation, take a moment to recognise that you are super too.

You are just one part of what makes your child who they are
If you find yourself experiencing anxiety, you may worry about the impact it has on your children. You may notice that they express some anxious feelings of their own. If that is the case remember that a huge number of different factors contribute to making your child the amazing individual he or she is. It is not all down to you. It is also worth remembering that when your child is anxious your understanding of your own anxiety can give you special insight into what they are going through.

Your child’s anxieties are not your own
When you feel anxious, your child’s worries can be overwhelming. It can be useful to remember that all children worry at times and it is perfectly normal. Sometimes you might be tempted to step in and fix things for them, so they don’t have the same experiences you did.

School experiences can be a point when we transplant the feelings we have about our experiences onto our children. But their experiences are different and the things which worry us may not affect them in the same way. Similarly, when your child is worried about something you do not have to share those feelings. If you can step back a little from their worries you will be better able to help them cope with them. This is not always easy and don’t beat yourself up if you do find yourself sharing their fears.

If you are worried, encourage your child to talk, and listen
Just by noticing that something is going on for your child you have already shown real sensitivity. The next thing to do is support them to share what they are feeling. You do not necessarily have to solve things – you might not be able to and that is OK. If worries are coming up at bedtime focus on soothing them and try and have a gentle conversation about it at another time. Sometimes it can help to have a chat while you are both more relaxed, for example in the car, while playing or walking back from the shops.

To find out more about the project at the University of Sussex please visit www.parentingwithanxiety.org.uk

Jul 04

Love0

The long lazy days of summer

By Iain Boyle Relationships, Safety

For most children, the summer holidays are a chance to spend time with friends and relax. But sometimes it can feel a bit lonely. Some might miss the routine they have when in school, while others might not get on with their family at home.

So how can you help your children cope with some of the more negative aspects of the long summer break? Here, Childline looks at some of the main issues that might be affecting our children and young people:

Loneliness
It’s normal for children to feel lonely or a bit down at times over the summer. Suddenly changing routine can take a lot of getting used to and they might not be able to see their friends everyday like they do in school.

Talking is so important when it comes to beating loneliness. Let them know they can talk to you at any time, or another adult or friend they trust. And Childline’s volunteer counsellors are available all day, every day. The most important thing is not to keep it all to themselves.

Rows at home
Summer holidays can be difficult if there are tensions at home and, because children are home more during the holidays, it’s possible that there might be more arguments than usual.

Every family has problems from time to time, even if they’re usually happy and don’t often argue. If you’re worried about your family arguing more than usual, urge them to talk to you about how they feel and try to find a way together to help everyone get along. They can also visit the www.childline.org.uk message boards and read advice from their peers on how they cope with family rows.

Going back to school
Going back to school after a long break can be scary. Lots of children and young people feel the same – especially those starting a new school. But there are some small things they can do to help them feel calm and in control.

• Plan their time – set an alarm so they have enough time to get ready. Check which lessons they have that day and make time for homework.
• Pack a bag the night before so there’s no last-minute rush.
• Their teachers are there to help – they should speak to them if they’re worried.
• Get help if things go wrong – whether that’s bullying, workload or exam stress. They should speak to you, their teacher or Childline.

Spending more time online
With the extended break, it’s only natural for children to start spending more time online. While the internet can be a great place to learn, play games and stay in touch with friends, it can also expose children to risks such as grooming or bullying.

Talking regularly with your child is the greatest tool to help keep them safe online. Making it part of daily conversation, like you would about their day at school, will help your child feel relaxed. It also means when they do have any worries, they’re more likely to come and speak to you.

You can find a wealth of online safety advice on the NSPCC website: www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe.

Starting a new relationship
Relationships can be really exciting but they can be scary too. It’s normal for young people to have worries about it. It can be hard for children to know who to talk to and it’s embarrassing to talk to your parents about it.

Starting a serious conversation with a child is never easy. It can help to try to prompt them with a TV show or story book to introduce the topic. Or try asking what they’ve learned about it in school and see what their friends thought.

Have a few ‘bite-sized’ conversations over a period of time to give your child the time to process what you’ve discussed. And create the right situation – have it in a relaxed, neutral place where you won’t be interrupted.

Home alone/out alone
Learning to be independent is an important part of growing up. Between work and other commitments, every parent will have to leave their child home alone at some point.

Although there’s no legal age a child can be left home alone, we recommend not leaving a child younger than 12. A child who doesn’t feel comfortable should never be left.

As your child gets older, talk to them about how they feel about being left home alone. If they’re worried, work out what parts of being home alone worry them most. Do they feel safe in the neighbourhood? Are they afraid of the dark? Understanding why they don’t feel comfortable will give you an idea of how to help.

For further advice and support, why not explore the Childline website together at www.childline.org.uk

Try the games and exercises in the Calm Zone to help your child feel less anxious.

For parental advice, there’s the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000, available Monday to Friday 8am – 10pm or 9am – 6pm at the weekends. Or visit www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe.

Jul 01

Love0

The seven dyslexic archetypes How to spot, support and empower your dyslexic child

By Iain Boyle Education, numeracy skills, reading, Relationships

by Kate Griggs
Made By Dyslexia

How can you tell a child is Made By Dyslexia? As many as 1 in 5 children are dyslexic but research suggests that 80% of dyslexic children leave school without being spotted. This proves that in order for parents and teachers alike to spot, support and empower dyslexic children, there needs to be more awareness about what the signs of ‘Dyslexic Thinking’ are.

Dyslexic brains are wired slightly differently, which means they have a different way of processing information. This difference results in a pattern of challenges, but extraordinary strengths too.

Children with dyslexia have trouble learning to read, write and spell as well as remembering lots of facts and figures or concentrating and following instructions. Tests are particularly tricky for dyslexic children as they are a combination of all these things and can make them feel embarrassed or even stupid, which they are not! This can make school particularly frustrating for dyslexic children. But if spotted early, and given the right support, they can and will do well.

How to spot your child’s dyslexic superpower
• Think about what your child loves to do and would do for hours, if left to their own devices. These are usually their ‘Dyslexic Thinking’ skills.
• Find out what they are passionate about, what they love to talk about, watch or learn about.
• Encourage them to do both of the above, lots and lots. Skill + practice + passion = superpower.
• Easy-to-spot strengths include sport, art, music and dancing. But empathy, kindness, imagining, listening and questioning are all incredibly valuable superpowers too.
• Acknowledge their expertise. Dyslexics often don’t realise how good they are at these things, so may not recognise them as their superpowers.

To identify ‘Dyslexic Thinking’ skills in children, we conducted one of the largest research projects of its kind. Our extensive research with dyslexic people, teachers, psychologists and parents, helped us to gather a unique insight into dyslexic strengths and thinking skills in children. These are the things that dyslexic children are naturally good at, and love to do. Because they love to do them so much, they practise them a lot and become extraordinarily good at them and these things become their ‘superpowers’.

From this research, we developed seven dyslexic archetypes:
1. Storytellers
2. Makers
3. Entertainers
4. Movers
5. Imaginers
6. Questioners
7. ‘People’ people

Dyslexic children have a natural ability in some or all of these seven archetypes. While all children will show ability and interest in these areas, dyslexics tend to immerse themselves and become very good, often ‘expert’ at them. You can develop resilient confident learners by nurturing these natural abilities, which can develop into valuable skills in work and life.

Here are some of the signs for each dyslexic archetype in children:
• Storytellers:
Persuasive. Tell tall tales. Elaborate explainers. Invent stories. Love stories and films. When they grow up, Storytellers often become journalists, teachers, writers, filmmakers, politicians or campaigners.

• Makers:
Jigsaws. Puzzles. Lego. Building things. Making things. Cooking. Crafts. Art and painting. When they grow up, Makers often become architects, craftspeople, chefs, designers, gardeners, artists or programmers.

• Entertainers:
Music and rhythm. Singing. Dancing. Jokers. Expressive arts. Like putting on a show. When they grow up, Entertainers often become actors, musicians, comedians, salespeople, PR people or presenters.

• Movers:
Fidgets ‘on the go’. Physical risk takers. Sports/ball skills. Balance. Climbing. Skateboarding. Gymnastics. When they grow up, Movers often become musicians, sportspeople, dancers, sports coaches, choreographers or firefighters.

• Imaginers:
Daydreaming. Making up games and fantasy/imaginary worlds. Create dens and ‘worlds’ out of things. Get lost in their imagination, immersed in activities. When they grow up, Imaginers often become scientists, inventors, entrepreneurs, artists, actors, photographers or filmmakers.

• Questioners:
Constantly ask ‘what if?’ and ‘why not?, Challenge norms and rules. Have an answer for everything. Always curious. Problem-solvers. Explain things to everyone. When they grow up, Questioners often become detectives, spies, entrepreneurs, journalists, writers or real change-makers.

• ‘People’ people:

Peacemakers. Social organisers. Busybodies. Helpers. Charmers. Carers. Leaders. When they grow up, ‘People’ people often become nurses, doctors, teachers, care workers, managers or presenters.

So, by far the most important thing we can do for any dyslexic child is to identify their strengths and place as much importance on them
as we do on their challenges. With help, our children will learn to do all they need to do well enough, but it’s their dyslexic strengths that will help them to excel in life.

Early identification and the right support is vital for dyslexic children, so that’s why Made By Dyslexia has created our free online dyslexia awareness training films, so parents and teachers around the world can gain the knowledge they need to begin to support their children.

Kate Griggs is the founder and CEO of global charity Made By Dyslexia and author of dyslexia guide This is Dyslexia (Penguin, £11.99) and children’s book Xtraordinary People: Made By Dyslexia (Penguin, £6.99).

This is dyslexia

Jul 01

Love0

How to introduce your second baby to your firstborn

By Iain Boyle Education, family, prenancy, Relationships

Introducing a new baby into the family can be an exciting yet nerve-wracking time for parents. In this article, experts at UK-leading baby brand, Nuby, have looked at some of the best ways to prepare your little one for the impending arrival and help them to stay feeling loved and included.

Explain what’s going to happen
This can simply be dependent on how old your first child is. If they’re under the age of two, they may not be that interested and take the new addition to the family in their stride. However, a slightly older child might be bursting with questions or struggle emotionally with the transition.

To alleviate some of this, it helps during this time to help them know what to expect – that the new baby is going to be with mummy or daddy most of the time, and the baby is either going to be sleeping, crying, or feeding. This will also help manage their expectations – that their new sibling won’t be able to sit up by themselves, let alone be a playmate from the moment they enter the home.

The more prepared your eldest feels at this point, the easier it will be for them to make the transition from an only child into an older sibling.

Tell the story of when they were born
One other tip is to show your eldest some old photographs of your or your partner’s pregnancy before they were born, or of them when they were a baby. Talk to them about what it was like when they were younger and how they too cried and fed all hours of the day.

This will not only give you all a few laughs but also help to ease some of their worries and better understand why the new baby needs more attention for the first few months.

Roleplay looking after the baby
Using a doll is a great way to introduce your firstborn to the idea of having a baby around.

They can use this time to practise how to hold the baby, how to talk to them, and how to be gentle with them. Overall, this helps to normalise the idea that there’s soon going to be a new arrival.

Better still, if you’ve got friends or family with small babies of their own, try to set up meetups or playdates so your child can get used to hearing baby cries and babbling.

Get them involved in the planning
Include your child in the naming process. Ask them what they think of the names you’ve got picked out, for example. Chances are they won’t like your choices and would much prefer you to name their sibling Spider Man or Peppa, but the key thing is to value their opinions.

Take them on shopping trips while you’re gathering up your newborn essentials to make the situation feel more real. They’ll feel even more important if you let them pick an outfit for their younger sibling.

If they’re not good with shopping, let them contribute in other ways, such as putting new items away, helping pack the baby changing bag, or even helping you to redecorate the nursery.

Get them involved in the caring
It’s tempting for any parent to be extra cautious when managing a toddler or young child around a baby. However, allowing your firstborn to have some involvement in looking after the baby is key in making them feel included rather than pushed out.

Singing to the baby, helping bathe them, or passing the wipes or a clean nappy are all easy little tasks that can help the new older sibling feel like they have an important role in the family.

Let them meet their new sibling as soon as possible. A hospital can be a big scary place for your eldest, but the more included they feel at this stage, the more they will continue to do so down the line.

One thing to avoid is punishing your first child or telling them to go away if they make a mistake. Just be patient, calmly explain what they should do instead, and let them have another go.

Make them the focus
Family and friends will be enamoured with the new baby, but it can make your eldest feel much more secure and loved if you heap attention on them as well. Being full of praise, especially when they’re around the baby, will really help boost their confidence and self-esteem.

A ‘gift’ from the new baby to their older sibling is also a wonderful way to instil good feelings from the get-go. It also shows how much the newborn loves their older sibling already and can’t wait to meet them.

The stress of the change can cause older siblings to act out or behave badly in order to get attention from you. They may also start to regress and act younger than their age, for example, when it comes to feeding or changing. As they get used to being around a newborn, being patient and praising them for their good behaviour might help reduce this.

When introducing a second child, one of parents’ biggest fears is that their eldest child will feel left out. At some point, they may also feel guilty for not spending as much time with their firstborn. Unfortunately, this is almost certainly going to happen but you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. Focus on the quality of time you spend with your eldest rather than the quantity.

This is a huge change for the whole family, and it’s going to take some time for everyone to get used to the new dynamics. Being patient and following the tips above can help your firstborn feel more involved before and after the little one arrives.

Mar 12

Love0

Talk PANTS and stay safe

By Iain Boyle children's health, Education, Relationships, Safety

From an early age we talk to children about how to stay safe. We teach them how to cross the road safely and not to run with scissors. But some subjects can be trickier to discuss than others. For example – sexual abuse. Where on earth do you start?

Talking about sexual abuse with children can feel like a daunting prospect. It’s something you hope you never have to discuss and you might feel that if you do; you’ll scare them or take away their innocence.

But the truth is abuse happens and we need to talk about it to keep children safe. During the year 2019/20, police forces across the UK recorded more than 73,500 child sex offences – an increase of 57% over five years. By talking about it from an early age, potentially before it even takes place, we can help children speak up if something happens that worries them.

But talking about abuse doesn’t need to be a scary thing and we can show you how. You can start by teaching them the NSPCC’s Underwear Rule, or PANTS. Since the NSPCC launched its PANTS campaign in 2013, it has sparked over 1.5 million conversations between adults and their children to help keep them safe from abuse.

PANTS stands for:
Privates are private
Your underwear covers up your private parts and no one should ask to see or touch them. Sometimes a doctor, nurse or family members might have to. But they should always explain why and ask you if it’s OK first.

Always remember your body belongs to you
Your body belongs to you. No one should ever make you do things that make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. If someone asks to see or tries to touch you underneath your underwear say ‘NO’ – and tell someone you trust and like to speak to.

No means no
No means no, and you always have the right to say ‘no’ – even to a family member or someone you love. You’re in control of your body and the most important thing is how YOU feel. If you want to say ‘No’, it’s your choice.

Talk about secrets that upset you
There are good and bad secrets. Good secrets can be things like surprise parties or presents for other people. Bad secrets make you feel sad, worried or frightened. You should tell an adult you trust about a bad secret straight away.

Speak up, someone can help
Talk about stuff that makes you worried or upset. If you ever feel sad, anxious or frightened you should talk to an adult you trust. This doesn’t have to be a family member. It can also be a teacher or a friend’s parent – or even Childline.

Next, you’ll need to pick the right time to start talking about it. The right time is… anytime! It’s important to make it part of everyday conversations you might have with your child so that it doesn’t feel forced or as though it’s a big deal. Some examples are:
• During bath time, when applying cream or when getting your child dressed.
• During car journeys – it’s a neutral space and it might be easier to get their undivided attention.
• Going swimming is the perfect time to explain that what’s covered by swimwear is private.
• During a TV show that features a sensitive storyline – you could ask them what they would do in that situation and encourage them to think about adults they trust and could speak to about a problem.

There’s even a video for you to sing along to with your child, to help them learn the Underwear Rule. The yellow, cuddly, pant-wearing dinosaur mascot, Pantosaurus, sings and dances his way through these important safeguarding messages but it’s fun and incredibly catchy.

Singing not really your thing? Don’t worry – you can always read the PANTS book together. Pantosaurus and the Power of Pants follows the story of Pantosaurus as he receives a new pair of pants. Dinodad tells him that they will give him special powers. Pantosaurus then experiences a problem at school and just as Dinodad told him, his super pants give him the power to speak up.

There are lots of other sources of support available on the NSPCC website – www.nspcc.org.uk/pants. You can sign up for regular emails with tips and advice, download free PANTS guides in 16 different languages and sing along to the Pantosaurs video.

There are also PANTS activity packs, and Pantosaurus and the Power of Pants is available to buy in the NSPCC online shop – shop.nspcc.org.uk

For further advice and support, the NSPCC’s Helpline is available Monday to Friday 8am – 10pm or 9am – 6pm at the weekends. Trained professionals can offer tips and advice and can help you if you have concerns about a child. You can call them free and in confidence on 0808 800 5000 or visit www.nspcc.org.uk/helpline

Mar 10

Love0

Three tips for boosting men’s mental health

By Iain Boyle Mental health, Relationships

Boys don’t cry. Man up. Be a man. Phrases like these stop men talking about mental health issues. They’re part of the reason why one in eight men has a common mental health problem in England. It’s why three times as many men die by suicide in the UK compared to women, and why men are overwhelmingly less likely to receive psychological therapy.

To save men’s lives, something has to change. But the actions many men take in response to mental health issues – brushing it off, bottling it up – simply aren’t working. Instead, men need to see that opening up isn’t a sign of weakness, but the path to a happier and more balanced life.

Here, The Massage Company is giving its top tips on what men can do to help alleviate their mental health issues.

Get talking
Whether it’s with friends and family, or with an independent therapist, the first step to solving any problem is talking about it.

There are many different types of therapy available. Would you like someone who can help you think about unhelpful patterns of behaviour? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might be the right solution. Need help overcoming a specific challenge such as addiction? Counselling could be a great way to find out how others have had the same challenge before, and the steps they have taken to overcome it.

The majority of humans love giving advice, but how often do you listen to your own? The next time you are struggling with a mental health issue, ask yourself: what would I say to myself in this situation? And remember to lend an ear to other men when they are in need – after all, the more we listen to others, the closer we get to cracking the stigma about men opening up.

If you aren’t ready to speak out, even just keeping a diary can help you recognise negative symptoms or thoughts, helping you understand whatever might trigger anxiety or other mental health issues.

Get moving
Exercise has vast physical benefits, including boosting your energy, helping you sleep better and reducing the risk of diabetes. But it also reduces anxiety and depression and improves your mood by releasing endorphins – the so-called ‘feel-good hormones’.

By exercise, we don’t mean cranking out reps until you look like Jean Claude Van Damme. Just a brief 30 minute session of moderate exercise a day can be enough to help reduce depression and anxiety. In fact, studies show that there is a 20% to 30% lower risk of depression and dementia for adults participating in daily physical activity.

Beyond exercise, finding a new hobby can be key to alleviating mental health issues. Maybe it’s cooking. Maybe it’s gardening. Maybe it’s whacking a ball into the sun at the driving range. Whatever it is, find something to do that transports you somewhere else for a while.

Get relaxing
Did you know that massage is a fantastic aid to mental health? That’s because, as well as improving circulation and blood flow, massage releases endorphins (just like exercise) that improve your mood and contribute to reducing depression.

Massage has been growing in popularity – in fact, at The Massage Company, around 38%-40% of the client base is men. And in a recent survey to the customer base, 31% of people ticked one of their main reasons for going for a massage as mental health.

The crux of the issue is this – you can’t afford to put your own needs at the bottom of your priority list. If you want to improve your mental health, you need to commit time and effort to the goal. It’s not unmanly, it’s not weak and it’s not vulnerable – it’s putting yourself back on the path to a happy state of mind.

Since its inception in 2016, The Massage Company has continued to challenge common pre-conceptions of massage and the stereotype of the industry. Their vision is simple: to bring high-quality massage to the wellbeing mainstream. They want people to see massage as accessible to everyone and good value for money, so it can become a vital and routine part of a better and balanced quality of life.
www.massagecompany.co.uk

Mar 05

Love0

New year, new beginnings – changes to the divorce process in 2022

By Iain Boyle family, Legal, Relationships

by Julian Hunt
Head of the Family department Dean Wilson LLP Solicitors

The government’s Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020 was passed in June 2020 and aims to implement major reform to the divorce process, becoming law on 6 April of this year.

Julian Hunt, Head of the Family department and member of Resolution, has been an active campaigner in the move toward no-fault divorce and has lobbied local MP’s in favour of the same.

What is the legislation’s main reform?
The Act will remove the concept of ‘fault’ in divorce proceedings – a welcome change to the divorce legislation that has not been amended in any significant way for over 50 years.

What is the current regime?
If a couple want to divorce, they have limited options to choose to present their petition on. Set out as five ‘facts’, these are: adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, two years’ separation with consent, or five years’ separation without consent.

If a couple wish to divorce quickly those options are limited to the grounds of adultery and unreasonable behaviour, with the less contentious divorce routes only achievable after two or five years separation.

The prospect of a long and unnecessary wait often means that parties will choose the blame route with the unwanted result of intensifying conflict and causing long lasting damage, particularly impacting future co-parenting.

Why doesn’t the current regime work?
The current regime fosters animosity between parties by encouraging the assignment of blame, which can lead to delays in obtaining the end goal of a divorce and can have a knock on effect if the parties have children related matters to resolve at the same time.

The need for a no fault divorce process was highlighted in the recent case of Owens v Owens.

Mrs Owens issued her petition based on Mr Owens unreasonable behaviour in which she stated she could not reasonably be expected to live with Mr Owens anymore. Mr Owens defended the petition on the basis that his behaviour had not been unreasonable when looked at in the context of their marriage and the Court agreed with him. The Court found no behaviour that Mrs Owens could not reasonably be expected to live with and as such the marriage could not be said to have irretrievably broken down and her petition was dismissed. Although Mrs Owens appealed, it was held that judges could only interpret and apply the law handed to them and that under the current regime the petitioner is required to find fault in the respondent.

This decision highlighted the need for a no fault divorce process. Mrs Owens was left in the unenviable position of having to wait out a five year separation in order to proceed with a divorce without her husband’s consent.

What is the aim of the reform and why is it needed?
An acrimonious divorce consumes parties’ lives, and that acrimony usually spills over, even once the Decree Absolute is finalised, especially where children are involved. The fault system encourages discord which often affects the parties’ mental health, as well as the mental health of any children (especially if they are old enough to understand what’s going on). Therefore, divorces using one of the fault-based facts are usually quite traumatic to the parties.

A common misconception under the fault based regime is that the bad behaviour of one party will affect the financial outcome of the divorce, when in fact one has no bearing on the other, unless the behaviour is sufficiently extreme but, these cases are extremely rare.

Parties tend to settle finances subsequent to issuing their divorce petition and the tone of blame is usually carried over so as to frustrate and slow down the financial proceedings which in affect helps no one, including the Family Court whose resources are overwhelmed already.

The proposed changes should simplify the divorce process and reduce conflict from the very start. Parties will then be able to focus on the important issues like children, property and finances bringing resolution more quickly and amicably so that both can heal and move forward.

What will be the new regime?
The new legislation aims to make a number of significant changes, such as:
• Replace the ‘five facts’ with a new requirement to provide a statement of irretrievable breakdown (the Court then must take this statement as conclusive evidence that the marriage has broken down irretrievably);
• Remove the possibility of contesting the divorce;
• Introduce an option for a joint application;
These changes will also apply to the dissolution of civil partnerships.

Family law – what’s next?
The Law Society are currently campaigning for legal aid to be reintroduced for early advice, particularly in family law and we at Dean Wilson LLP believe this would be a further welcome step to focus parties’ minds on the practicalities at hand of separating joint lives into separate healthy and happy futures.