by Molly Potter, Children’s wellbeing expert
As parents/carers, we most commonly begin with a baby who depends on us for everything and needs our protection. At the other end of the parenting timeline, we hope to deliver an ‘effective adult’ into the world – someone we have equipped well to navigate it.
When you consider how much a child changes between these two stages, it makes obvious sense that our parenting will also need to change. However, being a parent is an extremely demanding role and it’s understandably difficult to find the time and motivation to continuously take stock and reflect upon our parenting. It can therefore be helpful to hold some ‘big picture’ awareness of what we might be trying to achieve on this journey.
As our children leave babyhood behind, our responsibility becomes helping them learn how to become increasingly self-reliant. We can discard the plug-socket protectors and playpens as our children start to learn what’s safe and what isn’t. We teach them basic skills, such as putting their shoes on, so they can do more for themselves. However, as this process unfolds, we might sometimes miss opportunities to stretch their self-reliance and understanding of the world even further.
For example, we might sometimes continue to do things they could learn to do but also overlook chances to let our children sort minor difficulties out for themselves. When our child is struggling with a situation, we might typically bombard them with solutions, dismiss the problem or sort everything out directly and immediately for them. We probably do this in the name of expediency or be responding automatically – unable to bear seeing our children suffer or struggle even a little (which, of course, comes from a place of love). However, it might seem counter-intuitive, but allowing our children to struggle, fail and mess up and then work through the situation for themselves, helps them prove to themselves that they can problem-solve, that they don’t always need someone else to fix things and that they can cope.
So, what can help us do this without feeling as though we have abandoned our children to a regime of far-too-uncomfortable tough-love? The answer lies partly in managing our own reactions. When a child has a problem that we don’t really need to become involved with (like falling out with a friend, struggling in a lesson at school or not being invited to something) we will understandably find it distressing to see them upset and want to put them out of their misery as quickly as possible. But if we’re going to be able to leave them to sort things out for themselves, we need to be fully convinced by the idea that developing self-reliance is ultimately really going to be beneficial in the long term as it reduces anxiety and boosts self-worth.
Once we have managed our own tendencies, how can we help in a ‘hands-off’ way that doesn’t leave us feeling as though we have completely abandoned our child? The key is to actively listen while they talk about their problem. Simply let them explore the issue while you attentively listen. Add in the odd “Hmm, yes… go on, I’m listening,” to encourage them to unpack and consider what they need to. Better still, try to identify the likely emotion behind what they are saying to help them feel truly seen and heard. Comments such as, “You sound as though you’re feeling misunderstood,” can encourage them to open up further and take a deeper dive into what’s bothering them. At worst, they will feel listened to; at best, they might arrive at a solution to their problem.
Another aspect of moving from protecting to equipping our children as they grow is about giving information. Books and stories can obviously help with this. As a parent though, it can be hard to know what information to give them and at what age, but quite often the things we deem inappropriate are linked to our instinct to protect our children from certain topics, when we might better be equipping them.
Take the ‘birds and the bees’ as an example. Without thinking, we might have a gut reaction that makes us want to shield our children from information relating to this topic. However, they are eventually going to be exposed to similar information from other sources (the internet, peers and wider community) that might not always be accurate or pleasant. Therefore, isn’t it better that we use suitable resources ourselves, giving opportunities to ask questions? In doing so, we equip our children with knowledge rather than simply trying to protect them from ever being exposed to it – which would be extremely difficult.
And we don’t have to stop at factual information. When we discuss topics such as friendships, emotions, worries, differences and consent with our children, it can be a deeply connecting experience and can give us delightful insights into their worlds. Exploring such topics helps them develop the necessary skills and positive values that will enable them to navigate life’s challenges more confidently. So while we might love the idea of our children remaining young and needing our protection forever, if we want them to become capable and self-reliant adults, we need to accept that equipping them to navigate and discern for themselves is fantastic parenting.
Molly Potter is a bestselling author of 35+ books for teachers, parents/carers and children covering a variety of topics under the broad umbrella term of ‘wellbeing’.
For further information please visit www.bloomsbury.com/uk/education
