by Emily Snape
author and mother
Supporting a child’s mental health rarely looks the way we expect it to. There isn’t a clear plan and progress is rarely straightforward. What works at one stage can stop working at another and what helps one child may not help the next. Over time, I’ve learned that supporting mental health is less about having the right answers and more about paying attention, staying connected and learning what your own child needs.
My middle son has ADHD, and our experience has included meltdowns, anxiety, school avoidance, high-energy moods and behaviours that can be difficult to manage. There have been moments when I’ve worried about what these struggles might mean long-term, and times when I’ve felt like I’m getting so much wrong.
One thing that has become very clear is that the relationship between me and my child must come first. Before consequences, before explanations, before trying to move things along. When a child is overwhelmed, what can help most is knowing that the adult in front of them is steady and on their side. That doesn’t mean removing boundaries or avoiding difficult conversations – it means prioritising connection, particularly when things are not going well.
Learning to notice the detail
With time, I’ve become better at noticing the detail behind behaviour. What looks like defiance or refusal is often anxiety, exhaustion or something that has built up quietly. Asking myself what might be driving a reaction, rather than focusing on stopping it, has helped me respond more calmly.
I’ve also learned that timing matters. My children rarely talk when emotions are running high. Some of the most useful conversations have happened in the car, or at bedtime, when the day has slowed down. Those moments can’t be forced, but they can be made possible.
Connection before direction
When emotions are high, instructions tend to land badly. I’ve learned that it usually works better to slow things down first, to sit nearby, acknowledge how difficult something feels, and wait. Once a child feels understood, they are far more able to reflect and take things on board.
Revisiting situations afterwards has also been important. I don’t always respond as well as I’d like in the moment. Going back to talk things through, and apologising, when necessary, has helped maintain trust and repair the relationship.
Remembering that feelings change
One thing I remind myself of regularly is that feelings are temporary. This has helped me keep perspective when my child is distressed, even if I’m feeling anxious myself.
When my eldest son, who is 16 and in the middle of his GCSEs, came back from the hairdresser last week, he was completely distraught. He announced he wouldn’t be leaving the house until it had all grown back. At the time, it genuinely felt like a crisis. I went straight into problem-solving mode, trying to reason with him that it was ‘just hair’, while panicking about school, exams and what Monday morning was going to look like. It took a few careful steps to get him back into school, but once he realised it wasn’t the catastrophe he’d imagined, he was able to move on. A week later, and he’s totally moved on – though at the time, it felt anything but small.
Of course, that isn’t always the case. Anxiety can be persistent, and school avoidance has been an ongoing challenge for us. It’s draining, and there are no quick solutions. But even here, I’ve learned that progress is rarely linear, and that patience and understanding tend to achieve more than pressure.
Opening conversations about ADHD
I wrote my books, My Amazing ADHD Brain and My Amazing Autistic Brain to help open conversations, both for children and for the adults around them. They are intended as a way for children to understand how their brains work, and to see themselves in a balanced and positive light. For many families, books can offer a starting point for conversations.
I’m still learning, and there are still difficult days. But I know now that supporting a child’s mental health isn’t about fixing everything or getting it right all the time. It’s about being consistent, paying attention and always staying by their side.
Emily Snape is a children’s author and illustrator living in London. Her work has appeared online, on television, in shops and even on buses! She has three cheeky children, Leo, Fin and Flo who keep her on her toes. www.emilysnape.co.uk Emily’s newest book ‘My Amazing Autistic Brain’ is published by Summersdale, £6.99
