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Relationships

Challenging gender stereotypes

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by Chloe Webster
Pebbles childcare

As a society, we are becoming significantly more aware of issues, troubles and confusion around the subject of gender for children and within the Early Years Sector. Here we take a look at how we as practitioners and parents can support children in exploring their feelings towards their gender and to ensure that we are not promoting or advocating gender stereotypes within our settings and home routines and environment, thus allowing children the freedom and confidence to be happy and resilient individuals.

BBC 2 aired a fascinating documentary entitled No more boys and girls: can our kids go gender free? piloting an experiment within a school whereby all items/language/practices that could promote traditional gender stereotypes were removed and discussed
and the children were encouraged to be ‘gender free’ with no reference or distinction being made to them as ‘boys’ and ‘girls.’

As society becomes more aware of gender stereotyping and issues; with schools now introducing same-sex toilets, banning skirts and gender typical uniform, and commuter announcements being changed to include and promote equality for the binary community (genderless), this documentary bought these issues to our attention and as a result made us reflect upon our own practice and provision in order to identify whether or not we are indirectly promoting gender stereo-typical play for our children.

As both practitioners and parents we can all be guilty of gender stereotyping children indirectly in even the most discreet of ways, which inadvertently contribute to the overbearing stereotypes that society has now imposed on our children.

As Ros Ball and James Miller investigate in their book The gender agenda: a first-hand account of how girls and boys are treated differently, so many people make the assumption and distinction that there are specific toys designated for boys and girls.

Take this extract from the book where the authors write about a play date with a friend and their child: “11th March 2011 – Yesterday a friend came to play with her three year old boy and a one year old girl. I asked what toys they would like me to get out. I suggested DUPLO, musical instruments, cars or dressing up. My friend was sure her boy would want to play with the cars. He didn’t seem more interested in them than any other toys to me. Later she asked her girl, ‘Wouldn’t you like to try on the fairy wings?’ She said no. I often see blatant directing of children into gendered play like this, yet parents don’t notice their own influence. Isn’t it obvious?”

This sparks the debate; is it us as adults and society who are indirectly forcing these stereotypes onto children? Or are our children genetically designed to show an innate preference for certain types of play and resources?

Whether you are a parent or a practitioner, look around your environments and ask yourself how many of your toys are blue and pink? What types of toys are these? How are both genders represented within your setting and environments that your children access, in terms of images, stories and learning resources? Do these representations fit with society’s stereotypes? Are girls represented as the ‘weaker’ more vulnerable characters whilst the boys are represented as being ‘strong’ and the leaders?

We may not intend to force these stereotypes on our children, and it is exceptionally easy to do indirectly and so we need to be conscious of what our environments and resources are saying to our children and how these factors could be contributing to children adhering to strict gender stereotypes.

For example, even the television programmes children watch and engage with endorse gender stereotypes, for example, Ros Ball, author of The Gender Agenda, reflects on the time her daughter chose a ‘Bob the Builder’ magazine to read on the train, showing a particular interest in the ‘Join Bob’s team’ page with photos of children being sent in and published building and constructing in various ways – all of Bob’s ‘team’ were boys.

What message does this send to our children? Is it any wonder children are developing set ideas of what ‘jobs’ are specific to each gender?

It is not only the environment and resources that we need to be mindful of, similarly the language we use is just as important as the environment and attitudes we provide; for example, the BBC 2 documentary noticed how the teacher referred to the boys using terms of endearment such as ‘mate’ and ‘lad’ whilst he frequently referred to the girls as ‘sweetheart’ and ‘love’, using these terms countless times throughout the day. When the boys were questioned on whether the teacher should refer to them as ‘sweetheart’ and ‘love’ too, the boys were dismayed and said, “That’s not what you call boys! That’s a
girls word!”

Language is powerful and can impact our children and their behaviours more than we realise. Aren’t we all guilty of telling boys, “We don’t hit girls”, “Be nice to the girls” and “Let the girls go first.”

Whilst this is both polite and friendly behaviour, we also need to be mindful of what message this relays to the children. “We don’t hit our friends”, “Be nice to each other” and “Take it in turns” is significantly more useful language to use in order to promote positive relationships and understanding of politeness and manners to everyone.

As Early Years practitioners, we have a responsibility to the children in our care to remain as gender neutral as possible through the language we use, the environment we provide and the resources we provide access to.

And as parents, we are at the front line of influencing children’s understanding of gender and where these stereotypes are initiated and ingrained – within the child’s earliest years. However, we could question whether becoming moderately gender neutral in our settings confuses children. We tend to encourage children to develop a sense of self and make comparisons and distinctions between themselves and others, talking about similarities and differences and the characteristics that make them unique. Yet on the other hand we are trying not to distinguish between their genders and differences.

The Early Years community is only a small part of a much wider society, and so it poses the question is society as a whole ready to be completely gender neutral? For practitioners and parents alike the gender debate is one which is only just beginning. It is vital that we are all mindful and proactive in challenging stereotypes as they occur and ensuring that our children understand that they are not defined by their gender alone and we support them in exploring their gender and being confident and comfortable with who they are as people, not just simply as ‘boys’ and ‘girls’.

Chloe Webster and Bridgit Brown are OFSTED ‘Outstanding’ Childminders From Worthing, West Sussex offering a professional and individual service for children and their families aged 0-8 years. www.pebbleschildcare.co.uk

What you need to know before considering mediation

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by Sarah Brookes
Brookes Family Mediation

The mediator will not tell you what to do or make any decisions for you
The mediator’s role is to support you both towards reaching joint decisions, on the issues that you each identify as needing resolution. Whilst the mediator will help you to reality test any proposed agreements; to ensure that they will work as intended, in meeting and protecting each of your needs; they will not seek to influence the final decisions that you make. You will be supported to jointly take responsibility for the shape of your future. This approach reduces conflict and minimises the need to compete; unfortunately, the exact opposite is true of court proceedings. It is for this reason that mediated arrangements have proved less likely to break down than court ordered arrangements.

Mediation is more likely to be successful if you keep an open mind
Whilst it is helpful to give some thought to what you would like to achieve through mediation; you will also need to be able to consider ideas and proposals put forward by the other person. This approach enables all options to be explored, in order to find the best solutions for you both. Agreement is usually reached quickest when both people feel that they have been fully and equally involved and listened to within the process.

A mediator does not make moral judgements
Mediation is not about raking over the past to decide who was right and who was wrong. It is about dealing with the here and now, and the practical arrangements and decisions that need to be made, to enable you both to move forward in the best way possible. The mediator will remain impartial and committed to helping you both equally, throughout the process. Emotional outbursts are fairly common within mediation, and will not affect the mediator’s ability to remain entirely impartial.

A mediator is not a passive observer
The mediator will take an active part in your discussions, and whilst they will not give advice, they will often make suggestions, flag up points that have not been considered, and give relevant information. Where necessary, the mediator will also refocus the conversations, to ensure that they are constructive and moving forward towards solutions and agreements.

Where there has been domestic abuse, mediation may still be
the best option
It is the mediator’s duty to provide a safe environment where you are able to freely express your views, without fear of harm. If you do have concerns relating to your safety, the mediator will be able to asses and advise as to whether or not mediation is appropriate in your circumstances. If you don’t feel able to sit in the same room as your former partner, mediation can take place on a ‘shuttle’ basis, which is where you will sit in separate rooms, with the mediator moving between you. The mediator will usually also arrange staggered arrival and departure times. There is even the possibility of mediation taking place through Skype, so that you do not have to be in the same building.

Sarah Brookes spent 16 years working as a family lawyer in Eastbourne, before setting up Brookes Family Mediation. Sarah is passionate about the benefits of mediation. If you are uncertain about whether mediation is right for you, or if you have any questions, give Sarah a call on: 01323 411629 or email her: sarah@brookesfamilymediation.co.uk
Or for more information go to: www.brookesfamilymediation.co.uk

Discover how to be a better parent and not feel guilty

By | dance & Art, Education, family, fun for children, Mental health, Relationships | No Comments
Top tips from Justine van de Weg,
The Arts College Worthing

As parents it is very easy to feel that we are not doing it right and we are often asked the same questions; How do I become a better parent? What am I doing wrong? I just want my child to be happy, why can’t I understand them? How do I deal with their outbursts, anger and anxiety? Why are they OK at school all day and then difficult at home? How do I say ‘no’ to my child without feeling guilty?

Here are five top tips to help you keep the balance of parenting (without feeling guilty).

1. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can
It is very easy for us as parents to compare ourselves to others and feel that we are in some way failing. The world bombards us 24/7 via social media with unrealistic images. This can make you feel that you should be able to achieve more. Life is often very hectic and many of us are faced with work and home life balance battles every day.

Ask yourself these questions:
• Do I feel guilty and upset after an argument?
• Do I sometimes feel out of control?
• Do I feel like a broken record; constantly repeating the same instruction?
• Do I feel burnt out and tired?
• Do I feel whatever I try is just not working?

All these questions that you ask yourself reveal the following:
• You care – that is why you often worry
• You are prepared to learn new parenting skills when you don’t feel judged or criticised
• You will naturally look at other parents and compare yourself forgetting they are doing the same with you!

Remember, when you compare yourself to other parents you are only witnessing them with their children on their good day. If you really think about it, you have some good days and some bad days but when you are tired the bad days can feel overwhelming and out
of control.

2. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries
What is a boundary? Factually saying aloud what you do not like somebody to say or do to you without becoming personal. Many parents become confused with the word boundary as they assume they are destructively disciplining. You can set the boundary with a calm approach, whilst being open to listening to your child without taking it personally.

Boundaries are healthy actions that allow you to:
• Say what you do or don’t like
• Explain how an action or situation makes you feel
• Want to resolve, instead of win an argument.

Boundary setting can become unclear when you ask your child to do something and threaten them with a consequence but do not follow it through. This is where the repeating of the instruction can feel like listening to a broken record.

Examples; “Can you please wash the dishes.” “This is the second time I’ve asked you to wash the dishes.” “By the time I ask you for the third time to wash the dishes, there will be a consequence of
not watching the movie with
us tonight.”

How many of you stick to the third request and follow through with the clear consequence?

When you are tired you feel yourself giving in and once again the feeling of being ‘a broken record’ arises. Simple, clear boundary setting helps your child understand what you expect from them and what you want them to do.

3. When you ask, give in return
If you want your child to work with you, help with chores and to work together as a team, show them their effort pays off. We all love to feel appreciated and if they are rewarded with a thank you or praise it will make for a happier household (this reward does not always have to be financial, you will mostly find your child just wants to do an activity with you).

4. Giving the special one hour
Every day switch off your phone and enjoy fully engaging without any interruptions and doing activities led by your child. It sounds obvious but how many times do you reach for the phone whilst your child is talking to you or wants your attention?

5. Have a clear routine or schedule
A routine schedule clearly defines to your child when they are spending time with you. Having a monthly calendar on the wall helps them to understand when you ask them to do chores, they will feel they are being rewarded and appreciated by spending quality time with you. If you have more than one child, they can see when it is their turn to do something special with Mum
or Dad.

In conclusion, start being kind to yourself and realise when you are tired, you can ask for help (this is not a sign of weakness) and don’t be afraid to delegate. Trying to do it all by yourself is something that you will never be able to achieve!

Justine van de Weg is the Founder of The Arts College in Worthing.
Art Psychology is a new area of study – a tool for parents to learn how their children’s brain grows as well as develops emotionally and socially in their home.
Call 01903 529 633
www.justine86.wixsite.com/kidsartclasses

What is a celebrant and what do they do?

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by Alexandra Harrison
Celebrant

You might ask, “A what-a-brant?” A celebrant is someone who writes and leads personalised ceremonies. An example is a naming ceremony, which is a special way to celebrate the birth of a baby or officially welcome your child/children into your family. It is a secular (non-religious) event, and an opportunity to gather friends and family for a beautiful and memorable gathering.

A celebrant can lead a ceremony anywhere, any time. It does not have to be at a licenced venue (but it can be!)

In the 21st century, many people are moving away from traditional christenings or baptisms and are choosing a naming or welcoming ceremony instead – sometimes known as a civil ceremony. These are led by an independent celebrant.

When your child is born you may have already chosen their name, but for some parents it may take a while. The name you choose may have personal meaning but whatever the reason it is one of the first gifts you will give your child – after life itself!

What makes up a ceremony?
Well, it is really up to you and what you want. During a naming ceremony, there is no set script or structure. You can include many different elements or options to make it personal to you and your family. With a celebrant, the ceremony is designed around what is important to your family – and what you want to say to your baby/child/children. You may have different beliefs or faiths and wish to incorporate something from both. A celebrant will guide you through all the different options.

Can I have my own vows or promises?
Yes, of course. A celebrant can help you write these.

Can I include other people in the ceremony?
Definitely. It is a lovely idea to include other people. These could be grandparents, aunts, uncles or other guiding adults (known as guardians or supporting adults). Or it could be brothers and sisters who want to welcome their new sibling. In fact, involving them can play a really important part in giving them their own sense of importance and responsibility for their new sibling. Giving other children a role in the ceremony can even help with jealousy issues.

Can I have symbolic elements or rituals?
Yes definitely! For instance, a ‘sand ceremony’ is a powerful way to represent the joining of
a family, where different coloured grains of sand are poured into a single vase representing the blending of a family never to be separated. The ideas are endless.

Your celebrant will guide you through and help create both an order of service and the ceremony itself, linking together all the different elements you have chosen. A service will normally contain (but not necessarily in this order):
• Introduction and welcome
• Information about the child
• Readings, music, poems
• Words about the importance of parenting
• Parental vows/promises (a celebrant can help with these)
• Words around the importance of wider friends and family
• Appointment of Guide Parents
• Reason for the name(s) and the naming itself
• Concluding words.

But it is important to remember that a naming ceremony is not just for babies. It can happen at any age. It could also be a wonderful way to welcome a child that you are adopting – creating a special bond as you acknowledge and welcome them into your family.

Some celebrants can even help with organising the whole event from finding your ideal location, creating the invitations to organising the catering. This really helps, taking the stress
and strain away – especially when you will have your hands full already!

And did you know a celebrant is not just for naming ceremonies? A qualified celebrant can write a completely tailored wedding or commitment ceremony, renewal of vows or celebration of life ceremony. And, like a naming ceremony, these can be held anywhere – they do not have to be at a licenced venue.

Alexandra Harrison is a qualified independent celebrant.
Contact Alex for a friendly informal chat about your ceremony on 07983 415 784 or visit her website
for more information www.alexandra-harrison.com

Alexandra also runs a baby naming facebook page see www.facebook.com/BabyNamingWithAlexandra/

A guide to spotting loneliness in children

By | children's health, Education, family, Health, Mental health, Relationships | No Comments
by Karen Dolva
CEO and co-founder of
No Isolation

Loneliness, like many psychological distresses, is difficult to spot. Recently, it has been extremely present in the national news and has been labelled an epidemic. The fact that loneliness has been increasing as a topic of discussion is very important, as one of the biggest issues is the taboo that surrounds it.

Loneliness is difficult to describe and verbalise, and children especially can struggle with this. They may understand that something is wrong, but not grasp how to verbalise their feelings, or even if they should. Spotting ‘symptoms’ of loneliness is difficult, as loneliness is a very subjective feeling. It is not possible to give a ‘one size fits all’ diagnosis. To give one could mean that some lonely children are overlooked, or children experiencing depression or anxiety are misdiagnosed.

Parents may often sense that something is wrong, but spotting and understanding the exact trigger can be difficult. Having spent the last two years researching and trying to fully comprehend the depth of the problem, I share below my best suggestions to spotting loneliness in children:

Normalise loneliness
For adults, loneliness is a stigma, which means that often we are not open enough about it with each other, let alone with our children. Creating a taboo around loneliness makes it a subject people can be very self-conscious or shy about.

As a consequence of this taboo, many people are not educated on what loneliness actually is, or what it feels like. In the British news, several people in different newspaper articles admit that they either did not recognise the feeling of loneliness or did not understand that they were lonely. They thought it was something typically experienced by older people, and that they were too young.

In truth, loneliness is a normal, but also very subjective, feeling. Typically, when simplified, the feeling is best described as a discrepancy between desired and actual social contact. Loneliness does not discriminate on age or borders, and at some point in life we all experience it. Big changes in our lives make us particularly vulnerable. Despite loneliness being something many experience, the magnitude varies from person to person.
To understand this, we have to start making loneliness a topic that we feel comfortable discussing.

Big changes make children vulnerable
As children grow older, they become more aware of big changes, and are more acutely aware of the impact that these changes can, and do, have on their environment.

This shift makes them more vulnerable to feeling lonely. This is especially common in children moving from primary to secondary school, or to a different city or country as they experience changes in their environment, their routines and their peer groups. Because this, to an adult, is ‘normal’, it can mean that those suffering from chronic loneliness and isolation during this period of childhood can be overlooked.

When talking with Dr Gerine Lodder, who researches loneliness amongst young people, she shared that “80% of parents underestimate or overestimate the level of loneliness of their child”. This could be for a number of reasons, and could include overlooking a chronically lonely child, or assuming loneliness and social isolation when the problem is quite different. To avoid this, parents should be open with their children about what these changes might mean for them, and receptive to their concerns, apprehensions or fears.

What to do when loneliness has been spotted?
Parents have the role of spotting loneliness, and discussing it
with their child. However, some cases of loneliness and social isolation are chronic, and once this is identified further help should be sought.

3-10% of children experience chronic loneliness, that cannot simply be cured by meeting new people, and may need the help of a professional. It is important that parents try to understand if the feeling is from internal or external factors, if it is new and if it is solvable. That way they can start to work on a solution.

Social isolation can be obvious in some circumstances, for example a child who has no friends or social contact and struggles to fit into their environment. Yet, as mentioned above, many can feel lonely without recognising the emotion or without actually being socially isolated.

My best tip: To spot if your child is lonely, you need to explain the emotion and normalise it. Distinguish the difference between this and other emotions, and figure out the magnitude of your child’s experience. The stigma around loneliness needs to be broken. If children learn that being lonely is a failure by them socially, then they are less likely to admit it is something they are feeling.

Being lonely is a very normal feeling that we all experience from time to time, and opening up the discussion around loneliness will help children verbalise their feeling and, in turn, allow parents to give them the help that they need.

(www.noisolation.com) an Oslo-based start-up founded in 2015, with the goal of reducing involuntary social solitude.

A guide to international child relocation

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If following a relationship breakdown you are thinking about relocating abroad with your children, you will need to be aware of the relevant legal rules. You will need specialist advice from a solicitor to help the relocation to take place smoothly. In the excitement of a move abroad, taking legal advice may not be the first thing that comes to mind. However, making sure the legal boxes have been ticked will mean that there are fewer complications following the move, leaving you and your family to enjoy your new home.

When do situations of child relocation arise?
The desire to relocate with children often occurs in international families where one parent is from another country and wishes to return to their home country following a relationship breakdown. This commonly happens when that parent wants to be closer to their family or maybe they have a new job offer abroad. Sometimes the parent has a new partner who lives aboard or they together decide for lifestyle or other reasons that a relocation is the best thing for their new family.

Can I just leave with my children if I want to relocate abroad?
Relocation to outside of England and Wales requires permission of the other parent and anyone else that has parental responsibility (as indeed does a holiday unless there is a relevant Court Order already). Parental responsibility gives a person rights and responsibilities for the children which includes the right to decide whether a relocation takes place. A mother will automatically have parental responsibility. A father will also have it if he meets certain criteria. Sometimes, others may have parental responsibility too, such as grandparents. Your solicitor will check all this for you.

How do I seek permission to relocate with my children?
You can seek permission directly or with the assistance of a solicitor. Seeking specialist legal advice at the earliest possible stage is sensible as your solicitor will provide you with lots of useful advice about how best to increase your chances of gaining permission. At the beginning, you may not want the other parent to know that you have a solicitor. Therefore your solicitor will guide you on how best to ask for permission yourself. It is always a good idea to get the permission in writing and your solicitor will advise you about this.

Relocating with children without the necessary permission is child abduction and this is why it is really important that you have specialist legal advice early.

What do I do if the other parent refuses their permission to the relocation?
Unless some exceptions apply, you would need to attempt mediation with the other parent. Mediation is an alternative way of resolving a dispute without going to Court. An impartial and professionally qualified mediator will assist you to reach a mutually acceptable settlement after exploring the issues around the relocation. Your solicitor can recommend an appropriate mediator and you can continue to consult with your solicitor in between mediation sessions. If mediation is successful and you reach an agreement with the other parent then it will be possible to make that agreement legally binding so that once you have relocated, you cannot be accused of child abduction. If mediation is not successful, your solicitor will advise you about making a Court application for the Court’s permission for the relocation.

Is my Court application to relocate with my children likely to succeed?
The success of your application will depend on very thorough planning. You will need to show the Court that the relocation is in your children’s best interests. Most parents will only be considering relocating if they truly believe it is best for their children. One of the things your solicitor will do to show this to the Court is to prepare extremely detailed written evidence setting out why your relocation is important to your family, how it is in your children’s best interests and how it can work taking into account the practical factors such as the children’s development, schooling, housing needs and contact with the other parent. This is a very involved part of the legal process and you will need to work closely with your solicitor on this.

What happens when I have successfully relocated with my children?
You may have some things to tie up either just before you relocate or shortly after, depending on what the relocation Order specifies. This might be registering the English Order in the country to which you relocate, this can be helpful for both parents. Your solicitor will help you and put you in touch with a lawyer in the other country if needed.

Permission to relocate will give you peace of mind that you have legally done what is needed and so your move cannot be undone.

Mandeep Gill is a specialist Family Law solicitor at Venters Solicitors in Reigate. Mandeep’s particular expertise is in international children cases.
She can be contacted on 01737 229610 or via email,  mandeep.gill@venters co.uk or visit www.venters co.uk

Five benefits of arts and crafts

By | dance & Art, Education, fun for children, Relationships | No Comments
by Charlotte Baldwin
Operations Manager at IQ Cards

The majority of the time, parents and children do arts and crafts activities together as a fun way of passing the time and producing mementos of the younger years for parents to hold onto in later life. However, much more can be taken in both the short and long-term from regular art sessions, and during this highly developmental period of a child’s life, skills and tendencies can be established that are useful later on.
Parental relationships By taking time to work on enjoyable projects together, parents build upon and strengthen their relationships with their children. Children have fun and take pride in sharing their creations with their near and dear ones, whose opinions they naturally value the most. Meanwhile, parents find watching their children work an insightful experience, offering them a look into their child’s interests, emotions and development.

Confidence
Experimenting with arts and crafts during the early years of a child’s life helps to build confidence. During these developmental years, there are few skills a child can pick up that are open to interpretation, as there is usually a right and wrong way to do them. Art allows a freedom not found in many other subjects that children can explore, which helps them to expand their minds and the ideas they come up with. The lack of boundaries in art is a very positive influence.

Social interaction
The importance of socialisation, especially prior to starting school, is highly underestimated, which can lead to separation anxieties and other troubles when meeting and getting to know new people. Instilling confidence in a child to be away from parents and to interact with others is vital, and can be gradually implemented in group art sessions. There are many such classes run regularly in community centres, which allow children and parents alike to meet new people. This could be especially helpful if your child has no siblings or friends nearby.

Creativity
The prospective merits of creativity are often undervalued and dismissed as fun but ultimately useless in a real-world context. This couldn’t be further from the truth: it is an easily transferrable skill that can be put to good use both in and out of the workplace. All sorts of career choices, from engineering and technology to business management and teaching require creative tendencies that regular art sessions in early years can help to establish. By introducing your child to the joys of arts and crafts, you not only allow them endless fun, but also help them build a
wider skill set that will be useful in adulthood.

Motor skills
In adulthood, it is easy to take for granted the ease with which we do basic things with our bodies, and in particular our hands. Art and crafts can play a vital role in helping to develop these fundamental motor skills at a faster rate, allowing children to progress onto more commonly used skills at a quicker rate and with greater ease. By getting children experimenting with activities like cutting with scissors, beading and stickering, they become more comfortable with using their hands in different ways, and are more confident in moving on to using cutlery, fastening buttons and other such integral skills.

IQ Cards are a fundraising company that provide schools and establishments with the necessary tools to fundraise via selling high-quality and unique gifts designed by pupils. They are a Parentkind Approved Supplier.
For more information please visit www.iqcards.co.uk/

Understanding childhood and separation anxiety as a parent

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by Stacey Turner
author of I’m Going To Nursery

As a professional I have helped many children to overcome separation fears and settle at nursery and during the early years of primary school. It’s much more common than people think, and even in those children who don’t usually suffer; all children have the wobbles at some time! I have undertaken a lot of research and I’ve been through an extreme situation of separation anxiety that was borderline separation anxiety disorder, experiencing first-hand what it is like with my eldest daughter. Having experienced the situation on both sides, as a parent and a teacher, I can offer you the reassurance that we can support our little ones through this difficult time.
I can promise you, it’s not naughty behaviour! Anxiety is an emotion. It’s anxious thoughts creeping in – usually in the expectation that something bad is going to happen – and the anxiety takes over. They manifest in how your child’s body reacts to these anxious thoughts in a fight or flight way. While every child and family are different, the basic patterns of anxious thinking, physical and behavioural symptoms appear in a similar way.

The crux of it is, we want to alleviate and overcome anxiety. It’s not only traumatic for the child, it is for the parent/s and can be for the whole family. It’s like a domino effect that impacts people along a chain, as the family group tries to handle the distress. If we don’t try and overcome anxiety, it can end up having greater effects on children and their families as they get older.

How do we tackle anxiety and stop it becoming all encompassing or a problem in the future?
• By acknowledging this emotion and working to break the thought pattern and/or learning to manage thoughts.
• By offering lots and lots of reassurance and showing our little ones that it’s okay to feel this way, but it doesn’t have to be like this!
• By facing fears and becoming ‘brave’, we teach our children confidence, resilience and to be problem solvers, which is an incredible achievement.

What is separation anxiety?
Anxiety is provoked in a young child by separation, or the threat of separation, from the child’s mother, father, or primary carer. Separation anxiety is often a normal stage of childhood development from approximately eight months (sometimes younger, as was our case for little Molly) to five years, sometimes older. It can reappear at times of change
and stress.

Separation anxiety disorder:
Children with separation anxiety disorder feel constantly worried or fearful about separation. You may be dealing with a child who is constantly refusing to be separated from you, displaying panicked reactions and complaining of physical symptoms that can’t
be soothed.

How do I know if my child has anxiety issues?
Crying, screaming, shouting, throwing a tantrum and clinging to the main carer are healthy and normal reactions and vary in length and intensity between each child. You can ease your child’s separation anxiety by staying patient and consistent, and by gently but firmly setting limits. With the right support, children can usually overcome separation in time. Each child is different and this needs to be taken into consideration.

If your child has separation anxiety they may:
• Be very clingy.
• Retreat to a corner or hide under furniture.
• Have difficulty settling back to a calm state.
• Be reluctant to go to sleep. When a child closes their eyes, you disappear and this can stimulate nightmares, sometimes they are very scary.
• Wetting or soiling the bed.
• Experience lots of toileting accidents.
• Refuse to go to nursery, preschool or school, even if your child likes it there usually and enjoys being with their friends.
• Complain of physical sickness such as a headache or stomach ache just before/at the time of separation.

• Fear something will happen to a loved one.
• Worry that they may be permanently separated from you.
• Have little appetite or pick at and complain about food.

If your child’s separation anxiety seems to appear overnight, there is the possibility it could stem from a traumatic experience and is not separation anxiety. The symptoms may appear the same, but are treated differently.

According to the website
www.mentalhealth.org.uk, anxiety disorders are estimated to affect 3.3% of children and young adults in the UK. Other websites indicate this percentage to be higher.

To stop anxiety manifesting, it is important we face and overcome it together.

Stacey Turner, is a mum, teacher and author of ‘I’m Going To Nursery’ and other books in the My Tiny Book series.
For further information go to
www.mytinybook.com.

Family mediation

By | Finance, Relationships | No Comments
by Sarah Brookes
Brookes Family Mediation

– a better way to resolve the issues arising from a relationship breakdown

The breakdown of a relationship is very often extremely stressful and upsetting, particularly so when children are involved. It can be incredibly difficult not to allow feelings of hurt or anger to influence the important decisions that need to be made for yours and your children’s future. Family mediation helps people who are separating, or have separated, to discuss and agree the future arrangements for children and/or finances. Family mediators are professionally trained to manage and support constructive discussions; and to do so in an entirely impartial and non judgemental way; towards achieving agreed solutions. Mediated agreements are less likely to break down than arrangements ordered by the court. Government studies (2004-2010) indicate that mediation provides more sustainable resolutions than the court process.

Families come in all different shapes and sizes, and all shades of weird and wonderful. All families are unique; they all function in unique ways that work for them. As parents, we constantly make both big and small decisions for our families, taking in to account the quirks and needs of all.

When parents separate they need to find a new way for the family dynamics to work. The need for them to make decisions, based on their knowledge of what works best for the children, does not end with their relationship; they remain parents, with all of the associated responsibilities.

Communication often breaks down, or becomes very difficult, on separation. Trying to reach agreement, so that decisions can be made, on such emotive issues as arrangements for the children, can be very difficult, and can feel overwhelming. In those circumstances, many parents turn to the family courts, and allow a Judge to decide the arrangements for their children. Whilst the Judge will undoubtedly know what is best for his own family, he does not know your children and all their little quirks, and cannot know better than you, what arrangements will work best for your children.

Court Orders tend to deal with the here and now, they cannot provide for, or anticipate, all future events, and they do not replace the need for communication between parents. Sadly, Court proceedings often serve to increase difficulties in communication.

The very adversarial nature of court proceedings brings out our instinctive desire to win; with each party trying to persuade the court that their position should be adopted, it become easy for the ‘winning’ to become the goal. This is no criticism of the parents who find themselves going through the court process; this is the way the system works, and is why court proceedings in family matters are intended to be, and should be, an absolute last resort.

A final court judgement will inevitably create a perceived ‘winner’ and a ‘loser’. The resulting imbalance is not conducive to positive and cooperative future relations, and the parent’s ability to communicate will have been set back considerably.

As parents, there will be an ongoing and most likely long-term need for communication between you; consider such things as school choices, medical attention, teenage issues, graduations, weddings, for example. Whilst communication after separation can be very difficult, there will almost always be some level on which it is able to work.

When parents do not find a way to communicate, children can often end up acting as messengers between them, whether asked to or not. Misunderstandings are almost inevitable and tension and resentment can easily build. Even with the best of intentions, in those circumstances, it can be very difficult not to show, or even verbalise, negative feelings about the other parent in front of the children. It is a heavy burden for a child to act as peacekeeper between their parents. Children, in most cases, love both of their parents, and do not want to have to choose between them, or to hear one of their parents denigrated by the other. When children face having their loyalties divided between their parents, they undoubtedly suffer emotional harm, at a time when they are already facing the difficult changes brought about by the separation of their family.

In family mediation, parents are supported and assisted by a trained mediator, to communicate, and to work together, to make joint decisions for their children; by focusing on the children’s individual needs. Having worked together, rather than battled against each other; and having taken joint responsibility for the shape of their future, rather than having had a decision imposed upon them; the potential for feelings of resentment and future conflict is hugely minimised. A way of communication will have been established, which will live beyond the mediation process. Children will unquestionably benefit from having their future arrangements decided by the people who know and love them best; who have made decisions with their needs at the forefront of their minds.

Sarah Brookes spent 16 years working as a family lawyer in Eastbourne, before setting up Brookes Family Mediation. Sarah is passionate about the benefits of mediation. If you are uncertain about whether mediation is right for you, or if you have any questions, give Sarah a call on:
01323 411629 or email her:
sarah@brookesfamilymediation.co.uk
or for more information go to:
www.brookesfamilymediation.co.uk

How to survive your child’s birthday party – planning, celebrating and beyond

By | parties, Relationships | No Comments
by Lucy Gill
Manager, Gymboree Play & Music Surbiton

The special day has finally arrived after what seems like months and month of planning and preparation. The three tiered ‘Peppa Pig’ cake is in the fridge, the ‘Paw Patrol’ balloons are filled with helium and the entertainer is armed with all three verses of your little one’s favorite ‘Mr. Tumble’ song.

What could possibly go wrong?
Shock, horror, it’s the morning of the party and your darling child tells you that; Peppa Pig is no longer cool, they now hate Paw Patrol and have apparently never even heard of Mr Tumble! In fact, they now want a Superhero party just like Sally had last week!

How do you react?
Full on panic and a crazy dash to the supermarket? A last minute Internet order to try and make sure your little one has everything they could possibly want? Or take a breath, smile and think “actually, none of that really matters”.

Yes, you’ve spent a small fortune to make this party ‘the best one yet’ but remember, with all your friends and family in one place, your child surrounded by presents, cake, food, balloons and a day dedicated just to them; this is definitely more than enough love, fuss and attention they need.

Having worked as a party leader for many years, I am going to give you my top tips on how to survive your child’s birthday party.
• Send out your invitations in plenty of time. The competition for that Saturday afternoon slot can be tough; don’t risk leaving it to late and being disappointed.
• Consider sharing the day with a friend. Birthday parties can be expensive and lots of planning, why not share the load?
• Don’t focus too strongly on one theme. Children tend to change their minds very quickly. Think of a theme that can be easily adapted, examples are jungle safari, football, pirates and princess or under the sea!
• Don’t go overboard on the food. I have often seen more food provided at a children’s party than on offer at a wedding buffet! Think about what your child has for lunch; add a few treats – that’s all you need.
• Provide some nibbles for the adults. This is a nice touch as sometimes a bag of rice cakes and a few grapes might not suffice.
• Dress your little one appropriately for the activities planned. Although you want to put your little one in an amazing outfit for everyone to see, make sure they can still move around and make the most of their party.
• Don’t forget the candles, matches and a knife to cut the cake, these fundamentals can be easily missed!

Lastly, don’t be shocked if your child, screams, cries, completely ignores the entertainer or even falls asleep. We see it all, just relax and remember that everyone goes through it one way or another.

It may sound cheesy but you are doing a great job and the reality is, how much you spend on the party bags or how big the venue is, doesn’t reflect what a fantastic parent you are, and it certainly doesn’t reflect how much you love your child.

Don’t forget, when your child’s birthday is approaching, and you’re looking for somewhere to celebrate their special day, Gymboree Play & Music creates great value, tailor-made parties for under fives. Please get in touch with your local branch, we would love to help you celebrate
and creating lasting memories!